


in the darkness, with you

by Ablissa



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Office, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Co-workers, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Office Sex, Romance, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, Strangers to Lovers, Strangers with benefits, some smut but not a lot of it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-06-27 00:50:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 142,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15674688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ablissa/pseuds/Ablissa
Summary: Phil, 28, video editor.Phil doesn't believe in love at first sight, and that is not about to change anytime soon. But what about lust? Just two short weeks ago, he'd say no, definitely not.Not anymore. Not since he first locked eyes with Dan, the new intern at the company he works for. Not since he first thought,"I want him".Phil's wish does come true, but there's a catch.It doesn't mean anything.





	1. lust

It’s dark in here, so dark that there are mere shadows instead of solid shapes, so dark that they don’t see their way around the place, they feel it as they bump into various pieces of furniture on their way to the back of the room.

It’s quiet, but not as quiet as it should be. Not with their rapid breaths filling the air, breaking the silence, threatening to alert someone of their presence. Not with the chance of someone walking by, almost right outside the door.

Not with the frantic beat of his heart, like a set of drums right next to his ear, wild and deafening.

 

There are two hands, strong and tender all at once, exploring his body inch by inch, tracing patterns over the fabric of his shirt, sneaking underneath it, sending tiny electric shocks throughout his system.

It feels surreal, almost like a dream.

Their lips meet again and again, hurried, insatiable, curious, but then they break apart, not by his choice. Why are they stopping?

"This doesn’t mean anything." The whisper cuts through the silence like a knife. "Alright?"

 

_It doesn’t?_

Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it does. Phil can’t stop to think about it right now. No, not right now, not with these long fingers still unbuttoning his shirt, not pausing despite his lack of response. Not with these lips locked on his once again, as if he, this man, never said anything. Not with the way he tastes, of sugar, coffee and Red Bull, and something else, something unique, something _new_.

No, the whole point of this is _not_ to think. Phil may be no expert, but he knows that much.

He doesn’t answer for a few seconds too long, and suddenly the fingers that were previously working his shirt are now underneath his chin as they lock eyes.

"Right?"

Is that fear he sees in his eyes? Or is it lust?

It could be both. It’s not a mix he’s unfamiliar with, not anymore.

"Right, yeah. It means nothing."

Only then does he light up, and Phil’s heart skips a beat, and it’s not with love; no, it’s only desire.

Love? Ridiculous. He’s known him for two weeks.

Love? Let’s get this straight. He’s known him for _fifteen minutes_.

 

Hungry, insistent lips meet his and nothing else matters, nothing but the pleasure that courses through his body, and maybe it really means nothing, maybe it really means _nothing_. Maybe it’s alright that he can’t resist.

Maybe it’s alright that he doesn’t stop.

 

-

_Two weeks ago_

 

_Washer Swasher for all your wishy washy needs._

_Washer Swasher, the hero we all need AND deserve._

No, no, scratch that, it could probably trigger some form of copyright.

_Washer Swasher will push your washing to the limit and the sky and beyond and all the way up your a_

_Washer Swasher, gasher nasher tasher lasher fishefsdkhfashrwefiuhsadshSHER_

 

Phil grunts and shuts down his work laptop forcefully, drawing the attention of his coworkers.

"Washer Swasher?" Kent smiles with sympathy from behind his own desk.

"Yeah," Phil replies tiredly. He rubs his eyes and then slumps back in the chair. "It’s due tomorrow, and I’m still nowhere near done."

"Sorry mate, wish I could help ya."

Phil nods. If wishing could help anything, he would have been done with the bloody project weeks ago. Instead he’s stuck in the office, amidst all the shades of white and blue furniture, trying and failing to think of something, _anything_.

For weeks now, the only thing on his mind has been this – thinking of a catchy line for a washing detergent. _How exciting and ambitious_ , his brother Martyn teased when Phil last visited. _Are you going to be promoted then, son?_ his father asked in between bites of steak.

 

He sighs heavily. Of course he’d like to get promoted. But again, wishing doesn’t just magically make things happen, he’s learned that much. Worse, wishing is destroying his productivity, and if he will show up in a couple of days with nothing to present at the monthly meeting, his boss will probably turn him into a stew.

Lack of time or not, he needs a break if he is to ever focus.

“I’m going to get some lunch,” he says to no one in particular. Two or three of his coworkers nod at him without looking away from their screens. It’s a relief, he’s not interested in company right now. An epiphany can only happen if he is left in peace, and an epiphany is pretty much the only thing that can save him at this point.

He grabs his phone and wallet, then heads downstairs to the cafeteria. Once his meal is ready, he picks up the tray, finds a table, sits down and starts eating. It’s tasteless and he’s not really all that hungry, but it’s an improvement from sitting at his desk getting increasingly frustrated.

 

Phil works in the video production department of a large corporation. His main tasks involve editing short films, web series and commercials; on a lucky day he may be asked for feedback on a scenario or something like that. Obviously coming up with slogans is not normally his type of thing, but he was told to do it, so he couldn’t say no.

Well, not entirely true. He volunteered to give it a try because his whole team was in a meeting and when his boss asked who would do it, no one else said anything and he felt the silence was getting too awkward.

Story of his life.

 

As he continues to dwell on how done with everything he’s feeling instead of thinking of ideas, his musings are interrupted by the loud, high pitched voice of Susan, the person responsible for new hires from all the departments in the building.

"Here we are then! The cafeteria. Healthy options, vegan options, unhealthy options. Come to me and take your coupon for a free meal. We are meeting back here in _thirty_ minutes. Thirty. That’s 2:33 PM sharp. Is that clear?"

Phil turns around to take a look at what’s going on and finds that Susan is talking to a group of people, most of whom are nodding obediently.

Interns. Right. Johnson Productions always picks up groups of interns over the summer: a miserable bunch of students or fresh graduates who spend their whole days serving coffee, running errands and being yelled at.

It’s not easy. Phil was once there too.

He stares at them shamelessly for a moment too long as they come up to Susan one by one and receive their coupon, then wander off to order something. They’ve all got stickers with their names and departments written on them, and they’re better dressed than Phil is on most days, and certainly a few years younger, for the most part. He spots the odd thirty-something, but most of these people are in their early twenties.

Phil is 28, no longer a young adult, just an _adult_. What a terrifying thought.

Some of the interns glance at him and quickly look away; eventually, he does too. They’ll come and they’ll go; even if some of them are assigned to his department, they won’t stay long enough for him to get to know them properly. Besides, he’s got no time for interns. He has Washer Swasher.

 

He goes back to thinking about all the different slogans he should have come up with but didn’t, when suddenly something, or rather _someone,_ catches his eye.

It’s one of the interns.

Tall, probably as tall as Phil is, with a mess of curly brown hair atop his head, wearing dark skinny jeans, a black dress shirt tucked into his trousers and a red tie. He sighs as he surveys the menu options, then jumps a little when asked what he wants to order. Phil can just barely hear him stutter something in response, then watches as the guy picks up his tray and looks around, presumably trying to find a seat.

Phil puts down his fork and watches unabashedly. No, not watches. He _stares_.

 

Why is it so fascinating, the way this stranger bites his lip while trying to decide where to sit? Why is Phil’s heart racing when he starts heading in his direction? Why does it pause when their eyes meet, ever so briefly, and the stranger furrows his brows in a silent question as he walks past?

Phil observes, notes the curves of his body when their mere second of eye contact is broken; he admires the perfect fit of his clothes, the slender yet well-built form that hides underneath them, the long legs, the broad shoulders.

He doesn’t even register the sticker, doesn’t find out the guy’s name or department, too focused on other things.

The new intern looks back briefly after he walks past, right at Phil, and Phil knows he’s been caught staring, but he is too captivated to feel ashamed. Even from a distance, those brown eyes seem to hold a strange power, a significant weight, one that ensures he won’t be the one to look away first.

 

It doesn’t last long, mere seconds. The guy turns back around and eventually joins the other interns at a table in the corner.

The spell is broken. Phil stops staring. His cheeks feel hot and probably look even hotter; and no, _not_ in a good way.

He’s done nothing wrong, yet somehow, he feels like he has. He leaves the cafeteria in a hurry, not even bothering to return his tray.

 

-  

 

The next few days fly by in a blur of pointless meetings, struggling to meet his deadline, receiving an extension and a scolding from his boss. Oh, and spending way more time than necessary down in the cafeteria. That too.

Is that weird? He supposes it is, but there is only one reason for it.

Phil doesn't believe in love at first sight. No, this is something else. It was an urge to… To what? He doesn't even know. All he knows is that his lunches now take way longer than they have to, but his semi-conscious attempts lead to nothing. Days pass and they don't meet, not for a while.

Once he does see the intern again, it's by mere coincidence and at the worst possible moment.

 

It's Monday, his (second) deadline is a few days away, it's raining which means his hair looks disgusting, and to top it all off, he's running late. Slept in. Stayed up too late trying to figure out what to do with his life once he inevitably gets fired for not being able to come up with a slogan for a bloody washing detergent. It's not even part of his job description, fucks sake.

He stands alone in the lift, hoping that nobody else will join him. Of course, somebody stops it right before the doors close. Just his luck.

Phil quits mentally complaining once he sees the person that caused this mild inconvenience. The very same intern he's been thinking about over the past week.

At first, he doesn't even look at Phil. He presses the button for floor nineteen and then steals a glance at himself in the mirror, fixing a stray wave of hair that's stuck to his forehead. Phil can't bring himself to look away.

Their eyes meet in the reflection. A surge of heat runs through Phil's body, pooling in the pit of his stomach.

The intern, he looks _good_. There's no denying it. This time, his shirt is black and white, made of fabric with intricate swirls. No tie. Dark skinny jeans, still. A pair of sunglasses up on the top of his head, which is completely unnecessary on a day like today, but Phil can't disagree that it does complete the look.

All that said, his clothes are the least of Phil's worries. His mind is focused on something else.

Those eyes. Brown, piercing, watching him with unabashed interest, keeping him staring despite the fact that normally, he'd be feeling awkward.

Odd, unexpected thoughts run through his head. He never used to think that way about people he doesn't know, and he _definitely_ doesn't know this guy. Doesn't even know his name.

Desperately wants to pin him to the wall and kiss him, and not lightly; no, deeply, passionately, with the urgency that seems to be the driving force behind all these unusual, irrational thoughts.

They're some sort of coworkers, for god's sake! They work for the same company, in the _same building_. Phil doesn't know his character, doesn't know whether he's single or taken, he literally knows nothing about the guy.

Nothing aside from how much he wants to stop the lift and rip that shirt off of his body.

It's madness, that's what it is. The wildest thing Phil has ever done, in that sense, was hooking up with someone at a party during his uni days. He woke up the next morning feeling like his whole life was a mistake, blamed the alcohol and even called the guy the wrong name as he was leaving.

Phil doesn't _jump_ people. Doesn't think about it. Doesn't want to do it. It's not his style. Not his thing.

Where's all this coming from?

 

His inner monologue lasts but a few seconds, seconds during which he manages to look away, but only to give the guy a once over. He swallows the lump that is lodged in his throat and gingerly looks up again, finding him still staring back.

The stranger licks his lips absently and then smirks, probably seeing the effect he's having on Phil. Fuck. Phil is an idiot, a gigantic moron, and he needs to get his act together.

The look the guy gives him is almost inviting, which is not helping _at all_. Nevertheless, neither say anything, and Phil, obviously, does not jump him, kiss him or do anything inappropriate, if you disregard staring like a bloody fool.

 

They each do and say nothing but stare at one another up until floor ten, when Phil has to leave.

He turns around just as the lift doors are closing. The stranger is still looking at him.

 

-

_Wednesday_

  

 _I can't believe I'm actually doing this_.

Phil is standing outside the door of Susan's office. Has been standing there for a solid five minutes.

Should have left the moment he came. Can still leave without being seen.

But then he'll never –

No, it's too stupid to even think it. He won't. He should leave, right now, immediately, before he is caught loitering instead of working. What is he supposed to say, anyway? _There's this intern and he's really really reaaally fit, can you give me his number?_

Ridiculous. He should leave, right now.

Or…

Of course, before his mind is all made up, Susan steps out of the office, carrying a large stack of papers; probably contracts waiting to be signed or something else equally exciting.

She frowns upon seeing him, as if trying to place him in her memory. This is his cue to speak up before things get even more awkward.

"Hi, I'm Phil from the video department," he says and extends his hand out for a shake, only to stop himself halfway. Susan has _literally_ got her hands full. Her expression grows a little bit more stern.

"Can I help you?" she asks, skipping the pleasantries. Everyone knows Susan. She doesn't need to introduce herself to Phil.

"A… An intern has lost his… Pen, yeah, pen. And I want to give it back, um, but I – I don't know which department he's in." Phil is stumbling over words much the same way he always stumbles when he's in a hurry to get somewhere quick.

Susan rolls her eyes ever so slightly, then slowly schools her features.

"A pen, really? And you want to return it? I guess they don't give you _a lot_ to do over there." She pauses for a moment long enough to allow Phil to feel guilty. "What did he look like?"

"Pretty much my height, curly brown hair, brown eyes, skinny jeans –"

"Oh, right," she interjects. "I don't remember his name, but I know which one you mean. One of the newest. Wait here, then. I'll drop these off and come back."

She then walks off, the sound of her heels almost as frequent as the beat of Phil's heart.

 

So, if he waits, he'll find out who the intern is. Have an easier time finding him, maybe come up and say hi, perhaps have a little chat. Only does Phil truly _want_ to have a chat? They may have nothing to say to one another. All Phil knows is that the guy is very attractive, that he's got a vibe that just pulls Phil in and his mere presence stirs something within him. But how creepy would it be to just seek him out for no reason? Quite creepy, probably. And completely unusual for Phil.

No, he can't, he can't do this. They might meet again, they might not. But he's not going to be a stalker.

He walks away, quick and strangely ashamed, long before Susan ever makes it back.

 

- 

 

It's a Friday night, most of Phil's coworkers have gone home, and he's still fighting the monster that is known as _Washer Swasher_. He's only got until Wednesday to suddenly come up with something that will blow everyone's minds. Needless to say, it's _not_ going well.

He is alone in the room, finishing his fourth coffee, pondering whether he should stay or go home and work from there. It would be nice to sit in his pjs, put on some music and try to fix this mess he's found himself in. On the other hand, he'll have the entire weekend to sit at home by himself. Might as well stay here and rack up some more overtime.

He puts his headphones on, starts his favorite _90s Kid_ playlist and stares at the screen, waiting for motivation and ideas to kick in. They have to. Eventually.

 

Because of the music, when someone approaches him mere ten minutes later, he doesn't even notice until the person is standing right beside him. He jumps, scared, and immediately removes the headphones.

"Working late?" the stranger asks.

He looks up, even more startled to find the intern, the very object of his pathetic thoughts, standing at his desk with a smirk. Phil makes an effort to sit up straight, only to then decide to stand up, which puts them in an uncomfortable proximity, although neither makes an effort to step away.

He's _gorgeous_ , so gorgeous, still. Obviously. The sheer volume of his hair seems to be defying the laws of gravity, the dimples in his cheeks should probably be illegal, his shirt is a perfect fit and definitely has been ironed, unlike Phil's. Phil hasn't looked at himself in the mirror for a couple of hours, but he'd imagine he looks far, far worse than this guy.

 

What to say? What to do? A feeling of panic begins to overwhelm him. Phil knows for a fact that this guy caught him staring both the times they've seen each other, and both of those times Phil was rather, well, _intense_. It was all quite odd, and this, _this_ is odd too. Even though Phil abandoned his stupid plan and never sought him out, he still might consider him a tad weird.

Then again, if he did, would he be smiling like that?

"Are you – are you lost?" Phil sputters at last, mentally slapping himself for asking such a daft question.

The intern's smile widens, and Phil's heart skips a tiny, frantic beat. This would all be so much easier if not for the urge to pull the guy in for a kiss; something that was there from the beginning, only amplified by their current closeness.

"No, but apparently, I've lost a pen."

Phil freezes, mortified. Has Susan sent him here? Why? Why on earth would she ever do _that_? Think, think, think! What to say?

"Um, yeah, I – I've seen you drop it and wanted to return it, but –" Phil pauses, counts to five in his head, attempts to _chill the fuck out_. "But I had a meeting. So I had to go."

"Right. Thanks."

Phil nods, fidgets slightly, plans to grab a pen off his coworker's desk and claim that's what the stranger dropped. He then forgets it entirely as their eyes meet and he can't bring himself to look away.

Is this what it feels to fall in love at first sight? Surely not. Phil doesn't believe in any of that. He doesn't even want to be in love, doesn't want to date, he hasn't been on a date in months and he wasn't even looking. Not his cup of tea, lately.

Even still, Phil just wants to _kiss_ him. Just wants to give it a try. For no reason at all, and for every reason there ever could be.

Just…

"So where is it, then?" the guy asks him, as if oblivious to the heavy atmosphere that seems to hang in the air. It takes Phil several seconds to remember what they were talking about.

"Oh, yeah!" Phil exclaims and finally moves, trying to make it past the intern and towards his coworker's desk, but he only makes it two steps before he is, very suddenly, stopped.

Stopped is right, because the guy takes hold of arm, pulls him right back where he was and then, when Phil faces him, he still doesn't let go.

"I'm kidding. I haven't lost a pen. I don't even _own_ a pen."

Silence falls as comprehension sets in. Something in his eyes takes Phil's breath away; a feeling of inevitability washes over him, as if whatever is going to happen was meant to happen from the very start.

"Me neither."

A small smile appears on the guy's lips, and Phil knows that he returns it, but it doesn't last long. Mere seconds.

Because all of a sudden, the fingers that were previously grasping his arm are now grabbing his shirt and pulling him close, and while they both pause for a split second with their faces right in front of each other, they finally give in to what they clearly both want.

 

They start kissing.

The first kiss is soft and quick, a small taste of what is yet to come, their lips meeting for the first time, discovering one another before breaking up and then, one breath later, meeting again. It's unlike any first kiss Phil has ever had before. It's charged, electric, near impossible to stop.

 _He tastes just as good as he looks_ , Phil thinks as he deepens the kiss and sneaks his tongue inside his mouth. Vaguely, he feels the fingers in his hair, feels the weight of his chest pressed against his, feels hot breath on his skin, but mostly, he feels _this._ This unnamed, inexplicable lust.

Just as the guy bites Phil's lip, they both freeze upon hearing footsteps outside the office. Phil swiftly moves away and the intern does too, in the opposite direction. Both of them glance nervously at the door.

 _Fuck_. If they get caught… But no. The person, whoever it was, walks on, possibly headed to one of the other rooms.

They both turn to look at each other nearly at the same time, and both struggle to hold back laughter. Phil's stomach is doing flip flops - at the sight and at the very idea of being caught making out at work. He could lose his job.

He _could_. It's perfectly plausible.

Then why doesn't he seem to care at all?

 

Phil is not granted a moment to think things over, because the stranger peeks outside the office, and upon finding the coast clear, calls for Phil to follow him.

Does he do it? Of course he does.

Later on, he'll wonder if he was drunk. Has someone spiked his coffee? Did he overdose on caffeine? Right now, it really does not matter. If there's ever a moment to get lost in, it's this one.

They make their way through the near empty halls, occasionally bumping into someone, until they reach a locked room that Phil has never been in before. Oddly enough, the intern has a key card for it, and before Phil knows it, he's being dragged inside a very dark and very cramped space.

They shut the door, and then, they're alone.

 

In the surrounding darkness, it finally all begins to sink in. What he just did. What he still _wants_ to do. What he should not, but will still do.

They're close, as close as can be, and Phil can barely see in this place, but he sees enough. And he still wants him. Desperately.

As if on cue, they begin kissing again, not stopping even as they begin moving towards the back of the room, bumping into various pieces of furniture. Phil's earlier fantasy is coming to life, because he ends up pinning the intern to the wall, kissing him with wild abandon, pausing only to whisper, "I'm Phil."

"Dan," he hears in reply.

Their hands are roaming, and the intern's – no, _Dan's_ – fingers begin to slide underneath Phil's shirt. The touch is unlike anything he's ever felt before; pure desire in physical form.

Lust. That's what it is. _Lust_.

Not a crush, not infatuation. That would be impossible. Phil's only just now learned his name.

No, it's lust. Only that. But is _only_ really the right word for a feeling so strong?

Despite these thoughts, which are scattered all over his nearly blank mind, he never stops, and neither does Dan. Long minutes pass and their breaths become ragged, although they are both quiet, listening for any sounds of there being someone outside the door.

They're still at work, which is all too easy to forget with a set of willing lips on yours.

Phil nearly forces himself to stop thinking. That's what you're supposed to do, right? Just let go and enjoy the moment, however unusual it might be. He loses himself in the sensation, in the kiss that does not seem to have an end, in the weeks of build-up that finally led to this. It’s wrong in so many ways, and yet it feels right, and Phil doesn’t stop, doesn’t _want_ to stop.

Apparently, Dan has a different idea.

A feeling of deprivation strikes him when Dan suddenly pulls away, and without meeting his eyes, whispers into his ear. "This doesn't mean anything. Right?"

 

_It doesn't?_

_It doesn't._

_It couldn't._

_It doesn't have to._

_It always has before._

_It doesn't have to now._

_I don't want to stop._

"Right, yeah. It means nothing."

A smile. Their lips meet again.

And again.

And again.

And their clothes come off, but not all of them, just the pieces that are necessary.

And they're both insatiable, as if they've both been waiting for this for far too long.

And it feels every bit as good as Phil thought it might, that very first day, seeing Dan in the cafeteria.

 

And it means nothing.

-

 

Monday rolls around much the way it always does. Phil sits in the cafeteria, mulling over his lunch for an eternity, much the way he _lately_ does.

Dan appears after forty-five minutes of Phil sitting there, orders his food, scans the area for a table to sit at.

He sees Phil. Their eyes meet.

Dan nods at him, walks past him and sits in the far corner of the room.

 

_This doesn't mean anything._

_Right?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! After months upon months of writing just for myself and being too scared to post anything (thanks, anxiety), I'm back with a new chaptered fic :)  
> This fic is already **complete** and will be posted regularly. The current schedule is **twice a week, Sundays + Thursdays**.
> 
> A HUGE thank you to my wonderful beta reader [insectbah](https://insectbah.tumblr.com/) for not only editing this and giving me great suggestions but also helping me crawl out of my hole and post this fic. Your help and kindness is what made this happen! :):) Thanks to everyone else that has also encouraged me on tumblr - you're amazing.
> 
> There's a **playlist for this fic** , made by [templeofshame](https://templeofshame.tumblr.com), that you should totally check out because it fits so well! [Click here to give it a listen!](https://open.spotify.com/user/37b3r8jw21uwbv7ly06uhtjpe/playlist/1RKLXXRMf23KApsjRznVYW?si=_1jXTretTc-zbqq8OutAwg)  
> Lastly, let's chat on tumblr - [phanbliss](https://phanbliss.tumblr.com) :)


	2. anger

Phil's gaze follows Dan for a little too long to be proper, but this time, the eye contact that was previously so electric is not even returned. Dan sits down and begins to eat, scrolling on his phone and ignoring the world around him with such persistence, it almost looks a little forced.

Phil frowns, confused, and forces himself to look down at his plate instead of Dan.

 

What did he expect? He's not sure, really, but certainly not _this_.

 

He is not a teenager. While he does have a tendency to overthink things, he knew better than to think that Friday was something meaningful. It wasn't, was it? They both made that perfectly clear. No, it wasn't meaningful, but that doesn't take away from the fact that for Phil, it was _mind-blowing_ , by far exceeding any semi-subconscious thoughts he may have had prior to… well, _that_. And if he said that he felt nothing when seeing Dan just then, he'd be lying. It's all still there, albeit quickly getting buried underneath a mountain of confusion.

 

What did he expect? More than a nod, certainly. But why? They haven't even exchanged numbers. He doesn't even know Dan's last name. He's certainly not experienced when it comes to things like that. Maybe this is the norm. Then again, what they did was so far out of the norm that it's difficult to compare.

 

What did he _want_ to happen? Despite having a whole weekend to think about it, he doesn't know. He figured they'd see each other again, maybe have a chat, maybe it could go somewhere. He definitely wanted a repeat of Friday in a setting that would not put him at risk of losing his job.

 

Apparently, Dan did not.

 

But to not even say hello to him? Kind of strange, really. And kind of bothersome.

Was he bad? Did Dan not enjoy himself? What other explanation could there be?

 

Instead of sitting here, wondering, he could always get up, walk over to Dan and just ask. How awkward would that be, though? Dan's made his feelings clear when, even though they literally _had sex_ _in an office broom closet_ on Friday, come Monday Dan chose to ignore him. Very well. Phil won't be bothering him. He's got just enough dignity for _that_.

 

Torn between anger, embarrassment and disappointment, he picks up his tray, drops it off at the counter and walks out of the cafeteria, determined not to leave his desk for the rest of the day.

 

-

_The next day_

 

"You've got an extension on Washer Swasher," his boss, Vivian, announces upon stepping into the room that Phil works in.

Phil quickly tabs out of Chrome, lest she see that he's been browsing Reddit instead of working. He then turns around in his chair and looks at her.

Vivian is a tall, imposing woman with long blonde hair and piercing eyes, who basically lives at the office – she is always the first one to come in and the last one to leave. Phil has to sneak past her whenever he is leaving work, because if he happens to run into her, she gives him an extra assignment only to keep him late. The same goes for the majority of his coworkers; it's just how Viv operates.

That's why hearing about a second extension on this completely _terrible_ project he's been stuck with for a month is suspicious, to say the least.

"Right… Why?" he asks.

"Why do you think? A better paying client needs something done quickly. It's not like you're done yet, is it? Seriously, Phil…" she rants, looks down at her perfectly manicured nails, sighs and turns back towards Phil. "Five commercials, they need to be done by next week."

Phil's infinitely pale skin must turn white as a sheet upon hearing that, because that is a deadline from hell if he ever saw one.

Viv, entirely unaffected, adds, "Oh, and we've already surpassed our budget for the month, so the overtime is unpaid. You can take some time off for it when you're done with the bloody washer thing."

"Are we all assigned to this?" Vince, Phil's coworker, pitches in.

"Just Phil," she replies curtly, then tells Phil, "I'll email you the particulars."

She then walks out, leaving Phil and his three coworkers in astonishment.

 

"Is she crazy?" Phil's third coworker, Lily, exclaims in a hushed tone.

"That's even worse than Washer Swasher," Kent agrees.

"I'm sorry, Phil," Vince says empathetically. "I was hoping she'd say we're all supposed to do it together."

Phil leans back in his chair, hides his face in his hands and sighs. Video editing is great, but this particular job… Not so much.

He'll definitely be working for around twelve hours per day, and then on the weekend too.

 

Time to order some pizza and prepare for a late night at the office.

 

-

 

By Thursday night, Phil's eyes are almost bleeding from watching the same one or two second frames over and over. His coworkers offer to help him without telling Vivian, but as if she was psychic, she immediately decides to give them more work and they're all suffering together. The difference being, they all have families to come home to, and Phil doesn't. So when they leave around five or six in the afternoon, he stays behind by himself, the office almost eerily quiet after most people have already left.

The upside is that he doesn't have the time to sit in the cafeteria and sulk. He did that on Tuesday, but he saw Dan again, who ignored him, _again._ The nerve on that guy, seriously. Phil never wants to see him again.

 

At seven, knowing that he'll likely have a few more hours to clock in tonight, he orders a pizza - not for the first time this week - and goes downstairs to pick it up from Jim, the delivery guy. He takes it, leaves him a tip, forces a laugh when Jim says something along the lines of _you really love our pizza eh mate_ and starts heading towards the lifts, when of course, he runs into Dan.

 

Dan doesn't even notice him at first, and Phil makes no effort to change that, but as they are passing each other, Dan looks up and spots him. This time, it is Phil who tries not to acknowledge him; he merely looks away, offended by last Monday, confused about last Friday, and let's be real, far too tired to care all that much. He walks on without as much as a nod in Dan's direction.

"Another pizza?" Dan calls after him, forcing him to a stop. How does he even know there's been more than one pizza? Is he stalking Phil?

He turns around and looks at Dan, angry with himself when his heart still skips a beat upon the sight.

Why does this guy have to look so fucking good? Phil wants nothing to do with him: that's what he settled on after hours of fuming and he's sticking to it.

It's honestly infuriating. Why does he have to wear all these shirts that fit him so well and look more expensive than Phil's entire wardrobe? Why is his hair so messy, but messy in a way that suggests he spends thirty minutes fixing it before he leaves the house? Why are his eyes so big and so easy to get lost in? Why does Phil know that his skin is exactly as smooth as it looks and his lips taste better than anything he's ever tasted, and even though he wants to know more, he knows it'll never happen?

 

Most importantly, _why is Dan talking to him?_

 

"It's good pizza," he dismisses.

Dan crosses the distance between them in two long strides, and suddenly he's standing right in front of Phil, meeting his eyes with that same interest from before, as if nothing ever happened. He only breaks eye contact to open Phil's pizza box.

"Pepperoni?"

"Yeah," Phil answers. There's an annoyed undertone to his voice and he gives in to it when he adds, "I never said you could take a look."

Dan closes the box, tilts his head slightly to the side and even has the audacity to smirk at Phil, as if he's just told him a little joke.

"I thought that seeing you naked also allowed me to see your pizza."

Phil flushes, completely caught off-guard. The curtain of anger drops to reveal something much more vulnerable: a deep dislike of having to react on the spot. He snatches the pizza away and takes a step back, but manages not to break eye contact with Dan.

This guy! What on earth is wrong with him? What is this? So he didn't deign him with as much as a _hello_ on Monday and Tuesday, but on Thursday he's all interested in Phil's pizza, of all things? It feels like he's being filmed for some sort of a daft show, and that's one of Phil's biggest fears.

At the same time, he can't deny that the pull is still there – that some part of him still wants to drop everything, grab Dan by the neck and kiss him senseless – but it's currently losing the battle against the part of him that says _the fuck is your problem_.

"I thought that seeing _you_ naked allows me more than a nod when I see you again," Phil spits, fighting to keep his voice level and calm.

Dan's eyes widen upon hearing Phil's rather salty retort. He presses his lips in a thin line and then, like Phil before him, takes a step back.

"I'm sorry," he says, but it almost sounds like a question. "I thought we agreed it didn't mean anything?"

"I didn't know that meant you'd pretend I didn't exist. Like, not even say _hi_."

"Why not?" Dan shrugs, and that annoys Phil more than anything. Insufferable, annoying, stupidly hot _twat_. "I mean, I thought we both wanted this."

" _This_?"

"You know." Dan makes a gesture between the two of them and Phil gets it.

"I _did_ want it," Phil agrees. "I don't now."

Dan, upon hearing this, looks him in the eye and deliberately licks his lips slowly. Vividly, Phil recalls kissing these very lips. Recalls the sounds Dan made when he kissed his neck. Recalls the feeling of having these lips somewhere entirely different –

He breaks eye contact, looks down to the floor. Dan says nothing.

"I'm going back to work."

As Dan makes no effort to stop him, Phil follows through and begins to walk away; Dan does too, in the opposite direction. However, just as Phil is angrily pressing the button for the lift twenty times in a row, he hears Dan's voice.

"Hi!"

With a confused expression, Phil turns around. Many steps away, Dan is standing there, smiling at him.

He'd be lying if he said that has no effect on him whatsoever.

"What?"

"You wanted me to say hi, so yeah, hi!"

Phil rolls his eyes, knowing that if he doesn't leave now, he'll walk up to Dan and either shake him or shag him. Both the options seem wrong. _Are_ wrong.

" _Bye_!" Phil shouts pointedly and enters the lift without waiting for a response.

 

Insufferable, painfully enticing _twat._

 

-

 

Phil goes home around midnight, although in all honesty, he shouldn't have stayed that long. He spent most of his remaining time at work recalling his brief encounter with Dan, trying to make sense of it and finally deciding that he's probably too old for this. Dan has got to be four to six years younger than Phil. Maybe this is what people these days get up to, have sex in weird places and then ghost each other? Phil doesn't care and doesn't want to care.

 

Wanting and doing are two different things, though.

 

As he walks the empty streets, only slightly scared of the dark, he knows that wanting nothing to do with Dan is not likely to win over wanting to see Dan again, even if only for the purpose of delivering a witty retort that he hadn't come up with earlier this night.

 

 

-

_Saturday afternoon_

Phil, entirely too exhausted to function, decides that he needs to leave early today. He's not even supposed to be working on a Saturday, but the deadline is in less than 48 hours. Ideally he'd stay late today too, but he can't. He can't.

 

He leaves the office and goes to the bus stop, sits down, checks his phone and goes on Facebook. He scrolls down through the different posts: friends, coworkers, family. Likes a picture of his nieces – twin little girls that are less than a year old. Likes a picture of his coworker's dog. Shares a fundraiser made by one of the local animal shelters, likes a funny meme and so on.

He freezes when he notices that Facebook is recommending him a new friend. Daniel Howell. Four mutual friends. Gorgeous face and a strange pose on his profile picture.

Great.

Who _are_ these friends? They don't even work on the same floor! _Maybe Dan is more chatty with people that don't suck him off in a broom closet_ , he thinks bitterly and clicks on Dan's profile.

Surprised, he finds that one of their mutual friends is Vince, one of the guys that works in the same room with Phil. How'd that even happen? Maybe he'll ask him on Monday. Or no. That'd be too awkward. What would he even say? _There's this hot intern, why are you his friend on Facebook?_

 

He clicks on Dan's profile, but then his bus arrives. Hurriedly, he puts his phone away, gets on the bus and goes back to cyberstalking Dan.

Most of the information is private, but through his sleuthing, he finds a few pictures, which only further serve to confirm that Dan is stupidly, _stupidly_ hot. He's apparently a law student and his profile says he's single.

Phil doesn't care. He doesn't want to date anyone, he _definitely_ wouldn't want to date Dan. Not that he's ever been given the option.

Of course, Phil is not going to add him as a friend, but his heart is still racing just from finding his profile. It's tempting really, in a way, to seek him out and… And what? Tell him he's a prick? Tell him he's a prick that Phil would _really_ like to –

 

Ugh.

 

For the rest of the ride home, Phil stares out the window and tries not to think.

 

-

 

After getting home, Phil lies face down on the bed and almost immediately falls asleep, only to wake up late into the evening, shattered and fed up.

He heats up a microwave dinner and sits on the sofa, jumping channels on tv all the while scrolling down tumblr on his laptop. If not for the prolonged nap, all this would make for a pretty good night in Phil's book, but too much sleep just made him feel groggy.

 

After about an hour of this, once Phil is more awake, he receives a message on Facebook that makes his blood boil.

 

Why is Dan writing to him? They're not even friends on Facebook. He sighs, tells himself it all doesn't matter and after some deliberation opens up the message.

 

**Daniel**

hi

 

**Phil**

What do you want?

 

**Daniel**

i thought you liked it when people said hi to you

 

Phil rolls his eyes, exasperated.

 

**Phil**

I hate it when people say hi to me

 

**Daniel**

that sounds rough

im sorry for u

 

**Phil**

Bye

 

Just as Phil is about to angrily shut his laptop, he receives another message.

 

**Daniel**

do you want to come over?

 

What?

_What?_

His throat suddenly feels dry. He puts away the laptop, pads to the kitchen for a glass of water, comes back and ponders what to say.

Should he be snarky? Rude? Or just ignore Dan, let him have a taste of his own medicine?

All of those options are valid, but there's another one that Phil doesn't quite admit to, and it's exactly that one that has got his heart racing at a hundred miles per hour.

It's the one where Phil, unfortunately, remembers every fucking detail from last Friday and knows more than well that a repeat of it would be, well, _nice_.

He can't give Dan the satisfaction. What is this guy even thinking? Phil is not a toy to be played with whenever Dan wants to. No way.

 

**Phil**

Is this why you're writing to me at ten pm on a saturday?

 

**Daniel**

come on phil

dont play coy

you know why i wrote to you

 

**Phil**

Not really

I'm not an expert like you

 

**Daniel**

i wouldnt have guessed

 

Phil blushes against his will, pleased that he's alone with no one around to see it.

 

**Daniel**

come over

 

He then gives him an address in downtown London and Phil stares at it, mouth agape, wondering what to even do.

 

Obviously, he should not go. Why should he want to see Dan? He sees enough of him at work, and as the week has proven, each encounter is just a complete disaster.

On the other hand…

Phil could go. He could go, but then, then he could – he could turn Dan down, because Phil is not experienced, but he's not stupid, he knows a booty call when he sees one. It would be petty revenge, of course, but maybe that's just what Dan needs. It's clear he's immature and weird and just overall infuriating. Phil could be doing him a favour, actually. He certainly needs a reality check.

 

One thing is for sure. He will definitely, most definitely, not allow anything to happen tonight. It's a downward spiral of confusion and anger, and Phil needs none of that in his life. Nope. No thank you. Nope. He'll go and frustrate Dan the way he has frustrated him and then leave, satisfied, and forget he ever existed.

 

Sound plan.

 

**Phil**

My uber gets here in five minutes

 

**Daniel**

k

 

 

-

 

On the way to Dan's, Phil's decision changes about twenty times. The one thought that remains steady is the thought of how irrational Phil is being. He blames it on the tiredness, and maybe, just maybe, a lack of action in his life. Dan, as a person and as a prospect, would be far less exciting if Phil hadn’t been single for a little too long now.

 

He says bye to his driver, a rather pleasant fellow, finds the right block, and rings the intercom. Dan lets him in without a word and three minutes later, Phil is standing at his door, quite resolved to either tell him off or play a game with him and then leave.

 

Dan opens the door almost as soon as Phil knocks, and it takes about twenty seconds for Phil's resolve to melt away.

 

Why? _Because_. Because Dan.

 

It's weird, really. It can't be normal, certainly not outside of rom-coms and other silly things like that. It can't be normal for two people to look each other in the eyes and completely lose all common sense, but it seems that when it comes to Phil, where Dan is involved, it's very much possible.

 

Dan is in nothing but a tank top and pants, his hair mussed and far less done up than it ever is at work. He offers Phil a smile that is bordering on self-satisfied, and it's so, so annoying.

Their eyes meet and Phil hasn't even come in, but he already wants to rip Dan's clothes off. It's that simple. He has to remind himself that he's angry with him, really angry, and he came here on a mission.

"Hi," Dan says with an overly friendly smile, nearly making it sound like an insult.

Somewhat against his will, Phil responds in a manner that could be considered a joke.

"Bye," he deadpans, not moving an inch.

For the first time in their short acquaintance, Dan gives him a full smile, teeth and all. Phil's heart drops somewhere to his knees. It's impossible to be so fucking attracted to a complete stranger.

But he is.

 

Dan steps away from the door and heads inside the flat, not even checking if Phil is following him.

 

Phil does follow after a moment's pause and finds himself in what must be the living room, which he takes the time to survey, if only to distract himself from his real thoughts.

Dan's flat is rather modest, filled with IKEA furniture. Phil would know; his is much the same, but Dan's lacks some colour – there's too much black and white for Phil to ever consider it cozy. The room has little else but a huge black sofa, a black coffee table, a flat screen tv, two bookshelves and a white fluffy rug. Somehow, it seems to fit his image of Dan perfectly.

He spots a Nintendo Switch somewhere on the floor, the box for Crash Bandicoot laying next to it. That, he didn't expect. That he'd have something in common with this impossibly annoying and captivating intern.

Dan allows him another moment to look around, but finally interrupts him.

"You want a drink?"

"You like Crash Bandicoot?"

Dan shoots him a slightly amused glance and responds, "You _do_ know why I asked you here, right?"

Phil swallows down the lump in his throat. "Yeah, but that's not why I came."

Dan's expression gives Phil at least a little of the satisfaction he was hoping to get.

"Why then?"

"To talk."

"About what?"

"You go to find me in my office, you – you take me to some weird _cupboard_ , you – me – well, _we_ … And then you won't even say hello, and that's supposed to be _normal_?" Phil erupts, pushing his desires to the side. "And what, now I'm supposed to just come here and – and _what_? I don't get it, Dan, I really don't."

Dan takes a deep breath and releases it in a tired manner. "Look, I don't want to be friends. Or like, _date_. I just –" Dan pauses, runs his fingers through his hair, then looks up to meet Phil's eyes. When he speaks again, his voice sounds deeper, somewhat raspy. "When I look at you, I just fucking _want_ you."

 

_I just fucking want you._

 

The words have an instant effect on Phil. Combined with… with _everything_ really, with that voice, with Dan's slender, barely clothed body, with that strange hint of weariness in his eyes – the response is instantaneous.

 

Phil told himself that he came here with a mission, but did he really? Somehow, much like the first time, this feels almost inevitable. Phil can fool himself all he wishes, but he can't deny the effect Dan has on him. Not anymore, not when he is looking at him like that. Not when he bites his lip like that. Not when he starts moving towards him, crossing the room to get to Phil.

 

Phil doesn't even realize it when his own legs begin to carry him too, until he and Dan meet right in the middle, nearly tripping over Dan's sofa.

 

Their first kisses, back on Friday, were heated. Today, they are more than that. There's anger and desire and confusion and pure lust all mixed together to create something strong enough to make Phil's head swim.

Or is it the fresh scent of body wash that he can smell upon kissing Dan just below the ear? Or is it the soft moan that escapes Dan's lips when Phil bites his earlobe?

 

Phil doesn't even notice when they make it to the bedroom. Oblivious to his surroundings, he lets Dan lead him to the bed and flops down on it, lies down on his back. Dan pulls away to take off his tank top and even that short a moment feels like too long.

 

The thing is, watching Dan, it's almost magnetic. It's difficult to resist. Angry and displeased as he may be, there's still something pulling him in, and the urge to touch him, explore his body, taste him, is too strong to surrender to mere anger.

Phil can hardly recognise himself. What happened to him? It's only been a few weeks since he saw Dan for the first time.

 

Somewhere in the midst of these thoughts, he finds them both naked, as close as can be. Dan is straddling him, his dark eyes boring intensely into Phil's, his expression impossible to read. It's as if he is waiting for Phil to say something.

Phil knows. He doesn't know why, he just _knows_.

"It doesn't mean anything," he whispers. "I know."

Dan lets out a deep breath.

 

Not even two seconds pass before their lips meet again, and Phil stops thinking.

For now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU to my beta [insectbah](https://insectbah.tumblr.com), your support is priceless! <3  
> And of course, thank you to all of you that read this and commented - you're doing wonders for my anxiety :) Please leave me a comment and let me know if you like this!


	3. distraction

"You wanna go again?"

The question pulls Phil right out of his half-awake state. He turns his head to the side lazily and finds Dan staring at him.

Phil is laid on his back while Dan is on the side, head propped on his arm, a side grin on his face. He absently admires how there seem to be little sparkles dancing in Dan's brown eyes – tiny reflections of the fairy lights that he keeps above his bed.

"Again? As in, a _third_ time?" Phil asks incredulously. "No, thanks."

"Weak."

"We're not close enough for you to make fun of me, Dan," Phil deadpans, but it's clearly a tease.

"We're pretty close right now," Dan responds in that same tone.

"Yeah, but we've spoken like…" Phil pauses, counts in his head. "Four times? And two of those we weren't really _talking_."

"Was it really four?"

"In my office, downstairs with the pizza, today on Facebook and now," Phil recounts quickly, then adds to save face: "I mean, I haven't really been keeping track."

Dan raises his brows and ponders Phil's words for a few seconds.

"Don't exactly have to talk to know someone." Dan breaks eye contact, falls onto his back and closes his eyes. "Not that I know you…" he trails off.

"That's what I meant," Phil agrees, and they both fall silent.

Tiredness washes over him, envelops him like a warm, fuzzy blanket. All he wants to do is sleep. In the back of his head, he remembers that he's got a full Sunday at work, and he should be there in about five hours. It's already three in the morning.

 

He ought to go home. He can't possibly stay the night at Dan's. Doesn't even want to, really.

 

Counting to ten in his head, he sits up, stretches and rubs his tired eyes, only now fully noticing his surroundings.

Dan's bedroom is much more cozy than his living room, although it is quite messy, much like Phil's. There are pieces of clothing all over the floor that Phil can't identify as either his own or Dan's from earlier, which means that Dan just keeps a lot of his clothes down on the ground. The colour theme from the living room prevails in the bedroom, with black and white sheets, a black bed, a white desk and a huge silver mirror propped against the wall.

Not all that cozy, really. Must be the mess that makes it look so lived in.

Phil leans out of bed, grabs his jeans off the floor and takes his phone to order an Uber. He can feel Dan watching him without a word, but he doesn't turn to meet his eyes.

Isn't that what Dan wants? If it's all meaningless, he doesn't even have to excuse himself, does he?

 

He tries, and fails, to locate his shirt in all the clothing down on the floor. Dan finds it on his side of the bed and hands it to Phil.

"Are you busy tomorrow?" Dan asks, his voice strangely small.

Phil turns his eyes towards Dan and tilts his head slightly, surprised at the question.

"Why?"

"You know why."

Of course he knows why. Why else?

"I'm working all day," he admits, somewhat thankful for the plausible excuse.

"I meant Sunday," Dan explains, as if Phil is daft.

"Me too."

Dan shoots him a horrified look and opens his mouth to say something, but then Phil’s Uber driver rings him to say he's waiting downstairs. Phil is all dressed and good to go.

"See you at work?" he means to state, but it comes out as more of a question.

"Yeah."

Phil walks out of the bedroom and leaves Dan's apartment without Dan seeing him out.

 

-

 

Once Phil gets home, to his own cheap, tiny, but colourful flat, he feels like he can finally breathe again. He immediately heads towards the bathroom, undressing as he walks, and jumps straight into the shower.

Surrounded by the sound of the running water, he has nothing left to block out his own thoughts and feelings. He quickly comes to the conclusion that the way he feels right now is _odd_.

Strangely alone, of little worth. It surprises him all the more because, even though that was not the initial plan, he's had an amazing night; unsurprisingly even better than it was the first time, in that closed off room at work. Having more time, more privacy and just as much desire all led to an experience that Phil, in all honesty, had never had before.

Of course, he's had partners, and he had as much interest in the matter as your average person, but there was never this… This… He can't even describe it in his own mind. It's a _need_ , a need that he is left helpless against. Dan affects him like no one else before.

All that said, Phil wouldn't call it a fancy, a crush, nothing of the sort. It's all physical, a physical need like hunger or thirst.

Then why does he feel this way, like he is but a means to an end? And even if so, is that not mutual?

 

Some sort of disappointment makes perfect sense. He went over to Dan's to prove a point and all he did was to prove _Dan's_. Twice. And while it was enjoyable, which is the understatement of the century, it was still all on Dan's terms. The only choice Phil made on his own, unprompted, was to leave.

He really shouldn't be so weak again. He shouldn't see Dan, not until it all starts to make sense. He can't be at his every beck and call. Phil is not like that.

 

With a heavy sigh, he steps out of the shower, grabs three different towels, and wraps himself up. He doesn't think he'll be getting much sleep tonight. If he is to meet the deadline, he should get to work within three to four hours.

Tired out of his mind and still in his towels, he collapses on top of his unmade bed and falls asleep before his thoughts catch up to him.

 

-

 

"This one is no good."

A strange sensation in Phil's chest quickens the beat of his heart. He frowns, eyes repeatedly flitting between the screen of his laptop and the face of his boss, Vivian.

She sighs theatrically and clicks through the commercial he spent half the night finishing up. "Sometimes I wonder what I'm even paying you for. What _is_ this? It's so slow, Phil! It's boring! There's no _wow effect_ , no conclusion! I cannot possibly show this to our client!"

Phil is speechless. He showed all the commercials to his coworkers before he went to meet Viv in her office. They liked them well enough, they gave him no feedback. And now _this_?

"Well?" she prompts, looking at him sternly. "What am I supposed to do? I can't very well send them four commercials and say _oh sorry, the fifth is a mess because our editor is an idiot, can we just forget about it_?"

A flush creeps up on the back of his neck, his hands now in fists. She is not being fair. He may not be the best editor out there, but he's far overqualified for the position by now. And the deadline! She gave him an impossible deadline, with unpaid overtime. What did she even expect?

Once Phil does speak, his voice does not match the emotions brewing inside him. It's rather small and quiet.

"I showed it to the others and they liked it," he explains. "And the deadline was –"

"The _deadline_ is something you should be used to by now!" she interjects, raising her voice.

"You should have given me more time. I stayed at the office until three in the morning last night," he tries, but even as he speaks he can tell that his words have the opposite effect.

"Then you should learn to manage your time better."

Vivian shakes her head and then rubs her temples tiredly.

"I will _beg_ them for an extension for you," she says coldly, "But you can forget your bonus."

"What?" Phil utters, almost without meaning to say it out loud.

"Well, don't you realise what you're putting me through, Phil?" She pauses. Phil doesn't regain his composure in time before she speaks again. "If you fix this mess, _and_ do extremely well with Washer Swasher, you might get half of it. Maybe."

She takes Phil’s lack of response as an agreement, tells him he's got until Wednesday night and asks him to leave, which he does without a word.

 

Once again, he was too stunned to defend himself from her. Fuming, he stomps towards the room he works in, sits at his desk, and ignores the curious glances of his coworkers.

A part of him wants to quit on the spot. Another part of him argues that he can't; he needs the money. Yet another part says that this isn't the first time, that he shouldn't care anymore.

And _every_ part of him screams for a break, an escape from the office, from this whole day, but that in itself is a ridiculous notion. Break? What break? Viv made herself clear. He's got to _fix this mess_ , whatever that might mean, or he won't get even a piece of the bonus he had hoped for.

He needs some fresh air. Might call Martyn just to rant. He grabs his phone and storms out of the room, but by the time he makes it to the lifts, he's already got a different idea forming in his head.

 

A distraction. He doesn't need to vent, he needs a _distraction_.

Instead of going down, he presses the button for floor nineteen.

 

-

 

He doesn't know his way around the floor, nor does he know where to look, but at least on that matter, luck seems to be on his side. After walking past less than ten rooms, he finds Dan standing around the corner, talking to some girl and laughing at something she just said.

Clearly, he's having a far better day than Phil is.

He picks up pace and makes his way towards Dan, who notices him once he's a few steps away.

Dan stares at him, visibly shocked, and mouths _what_ while Phil continues to approach him and finally stops close enough for it to be slightly inappropriate. The girl that Dan is stood with, a short blonde around Phil's age, takes a step back and shoots confused looks between the two of them.

"Dan," Phil says with some urgency, "Can we talk?"

"Talk?" Dan echoes.

"Somewhere else."

"I'll see you later," Dan's colleague says, smiles at them both and walks away.

Dan turns around, looks after her for a moment, then turns back towards Phil.

"Jesus, Phil! That was my boss," Dan hisses.

"Where's the maintenance closet?" Phil asks, ignoring Dan. He watches as comprehension sets in and the reason for his appearance seems to dawn on Dan.

"You could've sent me a message," Dan complains.

"I don't have your phone number," Phil dismisses impatiently. "Can we…" he drifts off in the middle of that sentence, because somebody walks by them, glancing at them curiously.

Dan says nothing and eventually starts walking without a word.

The idea, while against his previous decisions, is a sound one. He's already not thinking about Viv, not as much. And if Dan can call him whenever he wants, then surely…

"Here," Dan whispers, opens the door and hands Phil the key card. "I'll go in first, wait like, I don't know, three minutes?"

"No," Phil protests and walks right in after Dan, closing the door behind the pair of them.

 

The moment the doors close, their eyes meet in the now familiar darkness.

They study one another for an instant, or more accurately, Dan seems to be studying Phil. His eyes are silently asking questions that Phil doesn't want to answer.

When Phil breaks eye contact, Dan walks towards him, places his hands on the sides of Phil's face and kisses him right on the lips. Phil remains still even while Dan's lips move down towards his jaw, his neck, his collarbones. He lets out a deep breath when Dan begins to unbutton his shirt, little by little, slowly.

This wasn't what he wanted. He wanted something quick and charged, a swift release, a moment of bliss to block out his thoughts. He doesn't want to feel Dan's lips on his, strangely tender and slow. He wants something else.

Phil grabs Dan by the wrists, surprising him, and pushes him away just enough to regain higher ground. He makes quick work of Dan's perfectly ironed shirt and carelessly tosses it on the floor. His lips then find Dan's, but only for a moment; soon afterwards Phil is biting Dan's earlobe, then moving down his neck and leaving a hickey at just the right spot for it to not be seen.

Without pause, he pulls down Dan's jeans and boxers. Desire fills him to the brim, temporarily flushing out every other feeling, granting him some of the escape he had hoped to find.

He returns the gaze that he can feel is transfixed on him. Dan's mouth is slightly open, but in his expression, anticipation seems to be mixed with something else.

"Is this alright?" Phil whispers.

"'course," Dan replies, voice quiet and husky. "But…"

"But?"

"You alright, Phil?"

No, maybe this is not the thing he was after. Because why now, of all times, does Dan choose to ask him if he's alright? Now, when the last thing Phil wants to do is to talk?

They don't know each other, they can't possibly be in tune, but why would Dan ask that _now,_ with his pants down? Is it only alright when Dan seeks Phil out, does it always have to be the way that _Dan_ wants it?

 

The thing about Dan is, he is _frustrating_ , but also so, so _appealing_ , and now that Phil wants to ignore the former in favour of the latter, he's being asked things that remind him just why Dan is so annoying.

"Do you care?" Phil shoots back, but he doesn't wait for a reply.

He kisses Dan deeply and reaches down, takes him in his hand, distracts him from the fact that he never gave a proper answer. But when their eyes meet somewhere in between one kiss and the next, it strikes Phil that he now has one more thing to distract _himself_ from.

 

The look that Dan gave him just then. The look after _do you care_.

It almost felt like disappointment.

 

-

_One week later_

 

Phil hasn't spoken to Dan since that day, and in a way, he is glad. You can only break your own resolve so many times before it's time for a change.

Dan is far too confusing, selfish, annoying and dangerous for Phil to still keep having meaningless encounters with him.

To Phil, most people have some sort of meaning. He's clearly not good at _this_ – this friends with benefits thing they've had going on, only they're all the benefits and none of the friends.

 

Viv accepted the _improved_ commercial and gave Phil another scolding, told him to get back to work on Washer Swasher. Needless to say, it wasn't going well. A few days had passed with little to no progress and no contact with Dan, although Phil had seen him in the cafeteria once or twice. Okay, he counted. It was three times.

Phil still doesn't have his phone number, and obviously, they're not Facebook friends.

So what? What would they even talk about? Nothing, probably. Or perhaps they'd talk about how nothing means anything to anyone, which is all very well and cheerful, but not Phil's cup of tea.

 _Dan is ridiculous_ , Phil thinks, making his way downstairs for lunch. Silently fuming is as good a pastime as any, even if a tad out of character for Phil. Then again, so is having sex with a stranger while at work, _twice_. And twice more in said stranger's apartments.

 

He orders his food, sits down, forces himself not to look around, lest he find Dan hiding from him somewhere. It works for about five, six minutes, after which he looks up and finds Dan, taking his seat three tables over.

_Of course._

What even is the problem with the two of them speaking to each other? The guy makes no sense. Phil makes no sense either, because why does he even _want_ to speak to him?

 

Fed up with his inner monologue, he acts on impulse. He stands up, grabs his tray and marches towards Dan's table, startling him as he sits down across from him with a defiant expression. Dan, on the other hand, looks as though Phil is wearing a clown suit to work.

"Hi," Phil says, mimicking Dan from nearly two weeks ago.

There's a pause during which Dan's frown transforms into something akin to resignation.

"What are you doing here?" Dan asks, glancing around as if to make sure no one is watching them.

"What do you think?"

"I think that we agreed –"

"That it means nothing, yeah," Phil interjects. "But seriously, Dan, why can't we even _talk_?"

Dan rolls his eyes, takes a bite of his pasta, then explains slowly: "I said I don't want to be friends. Or date."

"So everyone that you speak to is automatically your friend?" Phil presses, smiling a little at the stupid argument.

"Fuck no. God, that would _suck_."

"Then you're either lying or making no sense," Phil concludes, pleased with himself.

Dan sets down his fork, takes a deep breath and launches on a tirade.

"Okay, fine, I'll explain it to you. Why can't we just, you know – just like, _meet up for sex_? Without all the friend, boyfriend bullshit? Why does it have to be so complicated? It's just sex. It's like food for your hormones. You don't talk to your food, do you? Well, _you_ might, you seem a bit weird." Phil tries to interrupt him and defend himself, but Dan continues to talk over him. "But it's like I said. For whatever reason, whenever I see you, it’s like… It’s like I can’t control myself, honestly. So why can’t we just focus on that?”

 _Actually, the last time you said it, it sounded much better_.

Despite the fact that this was the most Dan had ever talked to him during their acquaintance, it feels as though Phil learned very little. The base facts remain the same. No friends, no talking, just sex, it means nothing.

Why? Phil can't possibly imagine.

"What are you trying to say?" Phil finally asks, unable to decide on something smarter.

"What I'm saying is," Dan pauses. Phil assumes it's mostly for effect. "If this is not okay with you, then that's totally fine. But if you're okay with something casual, then sign me the fuck up."

Their eyes remain locked and Phil loses himself in Dan's gaze, if only for a few seconds. Beneath the aloof exterior, Phil can almost see something more, but he doesn't – and likely will not – know Dan enough to tell.  Maybe to Dan, it truly is just a way to relieve a physical need that he has. The only question is, will Phil ever be alright with that? Being all over each other in uncomfortable, secret places one day and then ignoring each other the next?

 

If they're meant to be… strangers with benefits, he supposes, then never speaking is probably alright. But does it suit his personality? No, not in the least.

But could he deny himself the intense sensations that he has only just begun to explore?

He already tried. He succumbed every time.

There has to be a way to make this work for them _both_.

 

"If we try this," Phil begins with more confidence than what he truly feels, "It can't all be on your terms. You can't just call me up whenever. It goes both ways. I'm not an escort."

To Phil's surprise, Dan actually laughs at that, and something soft stirs in the depths of Phil's chest.

"I don't think that _anyone_ could ever assume you're an escort, Phil."

"Hey!"

"But yeah, that's fine by me. No friends, no talking, just sex."

Phil takes a deep breath, ignores the tiny voice in the back of his head that is screaming _what are you doing_ , and nods.

"Deal."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you all for reading this and commenting. Please keep letting me know your thoughts, it means a whole lot to me! <3
> 
> Of course, another massive thank you goes to my amazing beta [insectbah](https://insectbah.tumblr.com)!!! :):):)


	4. resignation

_Two weeks later_

"I don't have much time."

"We don't _need_ much time."

Phil lets out a soft chuckle, quickly muffled by Dan's lips once again occupying his. When they break apart and Dan slowly starts kissing his way down Phil's jaw, Phil tilts his head backwards, allowing him more space.

"Is that really something to be proud of, Dan?" he teases, but it comes out weak; he is far too preoccupied to deliver a good joke.

Dan pauses, grins at him, and goes back to what he was doing: unbuttoning Phil's shirt. "Fuck you."

"You're so polite," Phil remarks.

"Thanks."

Dan pulls off Phil's shirt, carelessly tossing it onto the carpeted floor. Phil pays it no mind at first, but then remembers that he's got to look presentable today.

"Careful!" he hisses, "I have a meeting in an hour."

Dan, instead of allowing Phil to pick up his shirt, pushes him further onto the desk and kisses him deeply. Phil grabs the back of his neck and brings him closer, forgetting all about the shirt he actually took the time to iron this morning.

 

Over the past two weeks, Phil has been careless far too often, but now is not the right time to think about that. When it comes to Dan, Phil has already learned to focus on the _now_ , and now means the maintenance room filled with discarded pieces of furniture, people right outside, risking his job for a little bit of thrill, and the warmth and pleasure that seemingly radiate from their every touch.

Surely it's alright if his shirt is not that crisp. Surely it hardly matters.

Surely there is nothing wrong in _this_. At least not until they get caught.

 

Not for the first time, he wills himself not to think.

 

-

 

"Same time on Friday?" Dan asks, but he’s not looking at Phil, he’s searching for something. Phil hands him the tie before Dan gets to ask about it.

"I don't know yet," Phil dismisses. "Maybe after work?"

"Can’t after work." Pause. Dan is having some trouble with the tie. Phil helps him, resists the urge to lay another kiss on his neck. "We'll see then, I guess."

"Yeah."

Dan studies him for an instant, his eyes quite used to the darkness by now, and finally asks him, "What's that meeting you mentioned earlier?"

Phil frowns, surprised by the question. It's been a little over a month of their acquaintance and they've never once discussed their jobs. Phil still has no idea what Dan is actually doing on this internship, other than what they are both doing in this maintenance closet.

"It's like a marketing thing. I was meant to come up with a tagline for an, um, washing detergent. Washer Swasher."

" _What?_ "

Phil grins. Most people react that way.

"Yeah, that's what it's called."

"Christ, they don't need a _tagline_ , they need a new name," Dan says, nose scrunched in mock disgust.

"I wish," Phil agrees with a sigh, and Dan doesn't follow up. When the silence grows uncomfortable, Phil adds, "Text me about Friday?"

"Yeah." There’s a small smile playing on Dan’s lips, Phil notes, but he doesn’t allow his gaze to linger for too long. He’s seen Dan naked so many times by now, and yet simply staring at his happy face feels out of the norm.

"You go first," Phil utters at last, once more breaking the silence. "We can’t both leave here at the same time."

"Right, yeah.” Dan lingers a little, tucks his shirt in, and needlessly fixes his hair. "See you around, Lester."

"See you," Phil whispers as Dan shuts the door.

He’ll wait five minutes and then leave, pretending he only went in to take a phone call. A rather _long_ phone call.

 

He stands around, checking the time repeatedly, recalling the first time they ended up here in this ridiculously tiny room during a late night in the office.

Phil still can't decide whether it was the right choice.

 

-

 

Ten minutes prior to the meeting, he enters Viv's office as requested and finds her talking on the phone. She motions for him to sit and wait while she finishes up her call.

He looks around, admiring the general splendor of her office in comparison to the room he shares with three other people. Why does she get the fancy computer chair? Phil's chair has got to be at least ten years old. It's falling apart. There is no justice in the corporate world.

 

After weeks of torture, his Washer Swasher adventure should be coming to an end today. He came up with some ideas, presented them to Viv, and although she insulted him a fair amount, she accepted them as the best thing _Phil_ might ever come up with and decided to settle on that.

 

Viv, once done with her call, looks at Phil and purses her lips.

"I have bad news." She pauses for effect, and with an affected voice, she explains, "Marcus decided to move the Washer Swasher project over to marketing."

A silent _what_ echoes in Phil's mind twenty times over before he manages to speak.

"But we're meeting them today?" he asks, dumbfounded.

"No, Charlie from marketing is meeting them today. You can go back to your usual work."

"I spent a over month on this project…"

"Now you'll spend a month on _another_ project! I'll email you some clips to edit." She gives him a pointed look. Phil gets it. He's dismissed. "Oh, and Phil, Marcus said that all of your suggestions weren't up to standards… He said that there was no, how do I put it…"

" _Wow effect_. Yeah. I know."

Phil steps out of her office without another word, Vivian's agreement following him out the door.

 

-

 

His initial response is to call Martyn, but he is not picking up. He'd call Mum, but he's a bit too old for that.

By the time he's gone through three or four people to call, his annoyance has subsided into resignation. So he worked on something for no reason, only to be berated by his boss yet again. Nothing new. Nothing to get upset over.

But it _would_ be nice to talk to someone.

 

He goes back to his office, grabs his things and says he's leaving early today. His coworkers stare at him as though he just grew a second head, but he still goes through with it. He deserves it, or so he'd like to think.

Phil orders a pizza on the way home, and it arrives about ten minutes after he does. Once he knows for sure that he'll be alone for the rest of the night, he strips to his shirt and pants, takes the pizza, and sits on his well-loved sofa.

He then does some channel surfing, pausing briefly here and there, only to finally end up watching a re-run of Friends. It's not a bad way to spend the night, really. Pizza, sitting in his pants on the most comfortable sofa in existence, Friends on the telly. It's good. It's nice.

But then, why does it feel like constantly, there's something biting at him from the depths of his subconscious?

  

When the evening fades into night, Phil receives a text from Dan.

 

**Dan**

i know its not friday

i mean its still tuesday

and i saw you like literally 8 hours ago

but

you wanna come over?

 

Phil tosses the phone at the other end of the sofa. He doesn't check it again until the morning.

 

-

_Friday_

**Dan**

so

hi

just in case you complain that i dont say hi

 

**Phil**

Is this where I say 'bye'?

 

**Dan**

no

this is where you say youll meet me you know where in 30 mins

 

**Phil**

Can't

I'm sat in a meeting

Have been for the past two hours

 

**Dan**

why are you texting in a meeting

 

**Phil**

Because you're texting me

 

**Dan**

after your meeting then?

 

**Phil**

I'm going straight to the next one

won't even eat lunch

 

**Dan**

monday then i guess

 

Phil stops himself from reminding Dan that he's free after work. It's not that he doesn't want to. It's just that seeing Dan, despite all the pleasure, also makes Phil confused; unsurprisingly, after a week such as this one, _confused_ is the last thing Phil wants.

 

**Phil**

Yeah

-

Phil sees Dan in passing just as he is about to exit the building and go home, and sadly, Dan looks as irresistible as ever; it serves to remind Phil of the fact that over the past weeks, they've met up so often that going three days without it feels like a long time.

He is wearing yet another tight pair of jeans and a jumper of sorts. Their office has a casual Friday rule, meaning they're allowed to dress like normal people. Phil chose a simple plaid shirt today, but Dan went all out with his Star Wars themed jumper.

Yet another thing they seemingly have in common, but will likely never talk about.

 

Phil is not surprised to see that Dan doesn't walk over to him, but at least he does get a nod from afar. Once they're out of the building, they both walk their separate ways – Phil towards the bus stop, Dan in the direction of the tube.

 

He can't help but wonder what kind of plans Dan has today. Phil himself has none, unless binge watching anime counts as a proper plan.

 

Sometimes, even without wanting to, Phil also wonders what even happened to his life over the past few years. He used to have more friends, hang out, do all sorts of things. He even liked to make his own videos from time to time, short films and so on. These days he barely has the time or energy for anything after work.

Is this the price of being an adult?

 

With a sigh, he heads home, finding solace in the fact that he won't have to work for two days in a row.

 

-

 

The evening goes by uneventfully. He eats; he watches anime; he scrolls down reddit for over an hour. It's relaxing, but also feels quite pointless. He could be doing things that he enjoys more. At the same time, he feels far too tired to do so. Such are his Friday nights these days.

 

He thinks of Dan, no matter how much he likes to tell himself that he doesn't. Dan is a great distraction, and even when Phil doesn’t particularly need one, he is still difficult to resist. Phil has to applaud himself on a job well done, though. Even though he and Dan meet up often, Phil rarely initiates it. And he doesn't always say yes, despite wanting to.

Could Dan still be using him if Phil is aware of it? And what does it even mean, _using_? They have an agreement, so there is nothing wrong here. It's Phil that must not be up to date on how things work. He's getting old.

He manages to drift off on the sofa to the sound of rain outside and an old episode of Game of Thrones on the telly.

 

He definitely does not expect to be woken up by the doorbell.

He scrambles from underneath the blanket, runs a hand through his hair to make it a little more tame, checks to see if his jeans are still buttoned up, and looks outside through the viewfinder.

 

Why does his heart drop a fraction upon seeing Dan?

 

He opens the door, and the fraction becomes _a whole lot_. Dan is stood before him, shifting awkwardly from foot to foot, soaked and probably cold.

"Hi," Dan mumbles with a small smile. "I was in the area –"

"Oh my god Dan, you're soaked!" Phil interjects, pulling him inside. "You'll get sick!"

"Naah," Dan dismisses. Phil's hand still lingers on his arm. Once Phil realizes it, he immediately lets go. "I never get sick."

"Until you _do_."

Dan rolls his eyes and briefly looks around the apartment. He had been in Phil's apartment before, but only twice. They mostly meet up at Dan's. Eventually, their eyes meet. Phil's are asking silent questions; Dan's are somewhat shy.

"I was in the area and I remembered you'd be home," Dan explains without being asked.

"I thought we agreed on Monday."

"Well, yeah. But we first talked about Friday," Dan says quietly, then quickly adds, "I mean, I can leave if you like?"

Phil shakes his head and shuts the door behind Dan, then motions for him to take off his coat. "No way, you need to get some dry clothes."

Dan raises his brows and pulls a face at him, as if trying to indicate that clothes are the last thing on his mind. Obviously, they both know why he came to visit Phil; although for whatever reason, Phil doesn't want to get straight down to business.

He leads Dan inside and goes to the bedroom, rummaging through his closet in search of something fancy enough for Dan not to scrunch his nose at. They're around the same size, but have a vastly different sense of style; Phil can see that without even knowing Dan properly.

"Do you want to shower?" he yells, startled when he finds that Dan is stood in the doorway.

"With you, yeah."

They both stand there, a few steps apart, eyes locked, as it slowly dawns on Phil that whatever his plans were, they are now in ruins. Dan is _here_ , in his bedroom, and he came here for one reason and one reason only, but Phil is still the person he came for, and maybe that's all he can hope for, maybe that's all he can want.

 

The air between them is heavy as Dan approaches Phil and stops right in front of him. They don't break eye contact, not until their lips meet without further ado. Phil finds that the more they do this, the more in sync they are. He anticipates Dan's moves just as Dan anticipates his. He knows by now which places to touch, kiss or bite to elicit the sounds that Dan always makes when overwhelmed by pleasure.

It's by no means boring, but Phil doesn't like to think of the intimacy that inevitably comes from seeing someone, regularly, at their most vulnerable. From learning their likes and dislikes. From actively trying to bring pleasure, not just receive it.

No, there's no intimacy. There is an agreement and Phil has almost come to terms with it.

 

In the midst of these thoughts, they make their way towards the shower, losing their clothes on the way. They trip here and there, only focused on not breaking the connection of their lips, their bodies.

Once they're stood underneath the warm stream of water, soapy hands roaming all over, Phil once again thinks of intimacy, of wanting Dan to feel as good as possible, even despite the fact that in his daily life, he usually feels annoyed with the guy. But here? Here, doing this? It's a separate bubble. It's a whole different world.

 

They get out of the shower and Phil takes over, pushing Dan on the bed, trying out the knowledge he had already gathered. Dan allows him to take the lead, shuts his eyes, bites his lip, moans softly now and then.

Not many words are exchanged between the two of them, not for long, not until Dan breathes right in his ear, "Don't stop."

Phil doesn't. He cannot. Not just in this situation.

 

-

 

 

Phil wakes up at nine in the morning, relatively rested, and for the first few seconds, blissfully ignorant. It doesn't take long until reality catches up to him, though.

Dan was here. They had sex. Twice. Phil fell asleep, but Dan can't possibly still be here.

Right?

 

Phil, upon hearing a light snore, rolls over and sees Dan at the very edge of the bed, some distance from him. This, he did not expect. They must have both fallen asleep, exhausted, and now it's morning and Dan is _still_ here.

 

What should Phil do?

 

Very much awake now, he sneaks out of bed, constantly turning back to check whether Dan is still asleep. He pads towards the bathroom, brushes his teeth, and makes his way to the kitchen for a pot of coffee.

Dan may wake up at any time, and will likely turn down coffee and breakfast, but it'd still be rude not to offer. Phil scoffs to himself. As if being rude would even matter in this situation.

It's so hard to perceive Dan as a relative stranger. To Phil, physical intimacy always followed after a mutual bond had formed. With Dan, it's all upside down.

 

The harder Phil tries not to make any noise, the more noise he ends up making. He drops a cup, he drops a fork, he cuts himself with a knife. It's no wonder that Dan wakes up and appears in the kitchen a mere fifteen minutes after Phil.

Phil schools himself and glances at Dan with an indifferent, albeit friendly, expression. He hardly wants to let Dan know that just seeing him in this barely awake state has Phil considering going right back to bed with him. Can't do it too much, not when he is still not entirely okay with the whole concept.

"Hey," Dan rasps and rubs at his tired eyes. "'m sorry I stayed over. I'll get an Uber in a mo'. Can I use the bathroom?"

"Of course! I'm making breakfast," Phil replies with more cheer than feels appropriate. Dan shoots him a weird look.

"Don't worry, I'll be out before you're done," Dan assures him, then leaves the kitchen before Phil gets to come up with something to say.

 

By the time Dan comes back, only slightly disheveled but still worse for wear, Phil is all done with the scrambled eggs he was making. He hands Dan a plate without a word, which he somewhat reluctantly accepts.

"You sure? I mean, we did say _no talking_ ," Dan asks.

"It's you that doesn't want to talk," Phil retorts, sitting at the breakfast table across from Dan.

"Yeah, because I don't want to be friends."

It's tiresome really, how Dan says all these weird things and offers no explanation. It's during moments like these that Phil remembers just how annoying he finds the guy when they're not busy doing _things_.

"Right. Am I not good enough for you?" Phil tries to joke, but it comes out weak.

"No, but if we become friends _and_ still have sex, it's basically like dating. And I don't want to date. You or anyone, really," Dan says in between bites of food.

"I don't want to date either. You can _talk_ to a person without becoming their boyfriend, you know."

"I don't think it ever works out. It's either friends or having sex." Dan looks up from his plate, meets Phil's eyes and smirks. "And I like the latter too much."

Phil's cheeks grow red, he knows, but he can hardly help it.

"I like _both_ ," he remarks after a pause.

"Not with me you don't. I'm a shit friend and an even shittier boyfriend."

Without knowing the particulars, it's hard for Phil to judge whether Dan is right or not. It's possible, though, considering their entire acquaintance.

"Still don't have to act like I have the measles whenever I'm around and we're not currently uh, doing it."

" _Doing it_? Wow, Phil, I thought you were older than me," Dan mocks him with a smile that tells Phil he's not going to achieve anything today.

"I'm 28. You?"

"24."

"You look younger," Phil comments. He's finished his breakfast and is just sitting, looking at Dan now.

"You don't," Dan deadpans.

"Oi!"

Phil kicks Dan in the ankle underneath the table, pleased when he hisses in pain, a muffled _fuck you_ on his lips.

"Yeah, it's definitely better when I don't talk to you. We should stick to that," Dan says lightly.

Phil chuckles, happy to find that Dan is grinning at him. He'll try his luck a few more times.

"Are you still at uni?" Phil asks.

Dan sighs in response. "No, I graduated this year. Law. Boring as hell."

"If it's boring, why'd you choose it?" Phil presses, frowning. He chose his course for one reason only – love of films, editing and all that. He can't imagine studying something he didn't like.

"I wanted to be rich," Dan says pointedly, as if challenging Phil to argue against it. Phil doesn't take the bait.

"Sound idea."

Dan, after studying Phil's expression, decides to add: "No, I mean, yeah I wanna be rich, but that's not why I chose it. I want to work in human rights. You know, help people."

Phil's eyes widen upon hearing that. Considering their encounters, Phil wouldn't take Dan for a guy with the highest level of empathy. This is a surprise.

"Well, now I feel bad. I chose my course based on what I thought was fun to do."

"So you like the job?" Dan inquires, somewhat doubtful.

Phil glances at him, sighs, and looks away. "I hate the job. But it's the workplace, not the actual tasks."

"No shit. There's more drama in the office than in Game of Thrones."

He can't disagree there. He's not even surprised to hear Dan mention Game of Thrones. Everybody likes it.

But still…

"That's three," Phil mumbles, almost to himself.

"Three what?"

"Three things we've got in common!"

Dan sits back in the chair, waiting for an explanation. Phil doesn't disappoint.

"You like Crash Bandicoot, I like Crash Bandicoot. You like Star Wars, I like Star Wars. You like Game –"

"I get it, I get it," Dan interjects. "You're forgetting the most important one."

"What?"

"I like having sex with you, and you probably also like having sex with you."

"But that –" Phil pauses and figures out Dan's meaning. "Dan! You're horrible, really."

Dan lights up as if he was told a compliment. He starts absently stirring his coffee with a spoon. Phil looks down at the table, unable to keep the smile off his face.

When he feels Dan's hand on his, he looks back up.

"No talking, yeah?"

And then Dan is leaning over the table, and his lips are on Phil's, and he may have lost the battle, but he made some progress in the war.

Only did he really _want_ to?

"No talking," Phil whispers back between kisses.

 

-

 

Dan ends up spending the whole day at Phil's, but as Phil goes to bed alone that night, the last thing on his mind is that he still knows nothing about Dan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You are all so amazing. I love you for reading this and commenting. It may seem like nothing, but after months of depression reading your comments is so fantastic to me. <3 Please do let me know if you like this! I'm aiming to post the next chapter on Sunday :) 
> 
> Thank you to the person that makes this all happen - my wonderful beta [insectbah](https://insectbah.tumblr.com)! I seriously can't thank you enough for all your work with this fic!


	5. caution

Phil sneaks back into his office, hoping and praying his colleagues did not notice that his _phone call break_ took over 40 minutes. His hopes don't last long, because not only are they all there, they're all looking at him weirdly.

Or perhaps he's just being paranoid? Then again, _can_ you be paranoid in a situation such as this? Sometimes, when he allows himself a moment to think, he can't believe his own carelessness. It's been almost two months since he first saw Dan, so a month and a half of _this_.

"Where have you been, Phil?" Vince asks him from behind his own desk. "Viv was here. We had to cover for you."

"What did she want?" Phil shoots back, avoiding the question.

"She says that _our team's productivity has gone down by 20% in the last quarter_ , _and we need to step it up, because Marcus is upset!_ " Lily responds, mimicking Vivian's affected, posh voice. "Oh no, _Marcus is upset_! We're all sat here on our arse all day and she's moaning about it? What the _fuck_ is her problem? I'd like to see _her_ edit one of these bullshit corporate videos she's had me doing for the past month! She's _such_ a --"

"Lil, swear jar," Kent reminds her, handing her the jar they deposit money into whenever they swear. It's filled up a quite fair amount. Phil doesn't have to contribute to it much, but he still gets to participate when they spend it all on cake on Fridays.

"I know, I know. _Arse_ doesn't count, does it?"

"It totally does," says Vince.

She rolls her eyes, picks a few coins out of her wallet, and throws them in. "Bloody bitch." She then tosses another few pennies inside and puts the jar away.

Phil smiles, clicking through the new emails he received while on his _phone call break_ , silently grateful for Lily's mouth of a sailor. Maybe they'll all drop it and forget to interrogate him further.

After a moment of silence, Vince repeats himself, "So where have you been?"

Phil is not the best kind of liar, so he does not make eye contact and instead chooses to keep looking at his screen with an expression he hopes is very casual.

"I had a phone call."

"Yeah, that's not gonna work, mate," Vince informs him with a sly grin. "You've left your phone on your desk."

Phil looks up slowly, a feeling of dread washing over him. His eyes then flit downwards. He inspects the desk and surely enough, his phone is right there, even though he expected it to be inside his pocket.

This is not good.

Before Phil comes up with something to say, his other coworkers all begin throwing ideas at him.

"We've been speculating," Kent divulges.

"I thought you might be looking for another job, because who'd want to work with that b… _bewitching woman_ …" Lily catches herself just in time. "But then I thought, surely you're not interviewing while wearing _green plaid_?"

"My thought was that you're in the break room, watching the telly," Kent weighs in, "but I've never seen you there, so it can't be that, can it?"

Vince shakes his head impatiently. "You lot have rubbish ideas. Phil, admit it. I _know_ what you've been doing."

Phil swallows down the lump of nerves that is lodged in his throat. How could Vince possibly know? Then again, he _is_ Dan's Facebook friend, wherever that came from. But surely Dan would not go around telling people? He'd be risking his internship too!

"What?"

"You've been napping in meeting room five! Admit it. Everyone does it. I go there like, at least once a week. No one ever uses it, it's _amazing_!"

Phil's eyes widen in disbelief and his mouth falls ever so slightly open. People are sleeping at work? Routinely? Then again, that's still better than what he's been doing.

Relieved that his secret had not been found out, he laughs them off, not confirming any theory but also promising not to take so many breaks anymore. They don't seem very convinced, but they kind of drop it. They probably don't care all that much.

Just as he thinks he's safe, Vince speaks up yet again.

"Phil, one more thing. Viv said she'd be monitoring our breaks now. So…" he trails off, leaving Phil to figure it out.

 

Phil doesn't need to hear more. If his breaks are being monitored, chances are that his boss or her minions will be keeping a closer eye on where Phil goes and for how long. And to be caught sneaking into the never-used maintenance closet with Dan would be disastrous.

They can't meet at work anymore. At least not for _that_.

 

-

_Two days later_

 

Phil hasn't heard from Dan, but that's not outside the norm at all. They only talk when they want to meet up for obvious reasons, and Phil, cautious now, decided not to bring it up until Dan himself did.

He thought that Dan would just text him. He prepared a whole explanation as to why they have to either stop the entire thing or just stick to meeting up at their respective flats. Via text, without Dan in close proximity, this would be so much easier to express. Of course, Dan is the last person who would ever make anything easy for Phil, so Phil never receives a text.

Instead, while Phil is in the printer room, which is a tiny space containing a few printers, Dan seeks him out. He has a confident, telling smile on his face.

"I've got a break," Dan says in lieu of hello. He leans against the doorway, watching Phil intently. "You coming?"

Phil jumps a little, startled, then rolls his eyes to cover for the nerves. This conversation was meant to be had through texts. Not with Dan right next to him, stupidly hot in one of his tight shirts, looking at Phil as though he knows that Phil will agree. In all honesty, he wants to. Seeing Dan makes him want to drop everything and just _go_ , but that is exactly why he shouldn't.

Phil was never meant to give Dan that kind of confidence. Seeing that expression is enough to annoy Phil slightly and help him stay true to his decision.

"Dan, we can’t, it's not safe," he says, pleased with how reasonable he sounds. "We can… we can maybe meet up after work."

Dan frowns, steps inside the room and shuts the door, walking up to Phil. Phil, in turn, shoves his hands in the pockets of his jeans. Can't be too careful. He meets Dan's questioning look with a defiant one of his own.

"We've been going at it for like, a month and a half, and _now_ you say it's not safe?" Dan asks incredulously.

Phil clears his throat. "Well, my boss is a bit…" He pauses, unsure of what to say. _A bit insane? A bit of a psychotic bitch? A bit right, because I shouldn't be doing any of this in the first place?_ "She's going to monitor our breaks and such. You don't want to get caught, do you?"

Dan shrugs in response.

"I don't really care either way. I'm just an intern, they're not gonna keep me here."

Dan's reply comes as a surprise to Phil.

"Right," he mutters doubtfully. "And why is that?"

"I'm slacking off like, all day long. I couldn't work here for real, it's the worst place _ever_."

Phil crosses his arms and tries to be serious. "Well, I _have_ to work here. Bills don't pay themselves, Dan. How do you even support yourself? The internships are so underpaid –"

Phil only manages to catch a glimpse of Dan rolling his eyes at him, smirking for a split second, and then leaning in quickly, kissing him, interrupting his question.

 

They must have kissed hundreds of times by now, yet it still makes Phil lose his composure. He doesn't want to return the kiss, but he does, on instinct alone.

It's that same instinct that tells him to push Dan against the door and tangle his fingers in his hair. It's some other kind of instinct, perhaps something to do with self-preservation, that tells him to _stop right the fuck now_ and nearly leap away from Dan moments later.

"We can't, not here," Phil insists, trying – and failing – to calm his breathing. "You could come up to mine after work."

"Stop being boring. Come on." And then, Dan grabs Phil's hand, but Phil refuses to move.

Boring? Trying to be responsible about this whole thing is _boring_? God, it's all too easy to forget how infuriating Dan is when he's lived the past few weeks in a haze. A haze of good sex and nothing else, as far as his acquaintance with Dan goes.

"I can't lose my job over this, Dan."

"Boooring," Dan teases, clearly seeing the effect it has on Phil, and enjoying it.

"I'm not boring!"

"You are _so_ boring, Phil Lester."

"I'm not!"

Dan opens his mouth to reply, but then, the door to the printer room opens to reveal Vince. Dan and Phil break apart immediately; Dan lets go of Phil's hand; Phil takes a big step backwards.

"Phil? Is the printer stuck again?" Vince asks, oblivious to the whole thing. He then notices Dan and visibly lights up. "Oh! Hey Dan! What's up, mate? What are you doing here?"

Dan mouths a _be quiet_ to Phil and turns towards Vince with a perfect grin on his face.

"Hey! My boss told me to go and check the printers on every floor," Dan lies so convincingly that Phil is almost willing to believe it.

"Really? Aren't you up in the law department? They really abuse you lot, what's your internship got to do with our printer?" Vince laughs, Dan follows. Phil doesn't. Phil just stands there, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot.

Dan eventually shrugs. "No clue."

"Well," Phil finally pitches in once the initial shock wears off, "This printer works, so you can go. Right?"

Dan raises an eyebrow in Phil's direction, but does not argue. He salutes them both and excuses himself, leaving Phil alone to deal with Vince.

"Such a nice chap," Vince says cheerfully, starting up the printer. "How do you know him?"

"Just in passing," Phil replies quietly. This is all too exhausting for him. What has he gotten himself into? "How do _you_ know him?"

"He came by like two months ago asking about you. You were having one of your long lunches, I think." Vince glances at Phil pointedly. "He's such a nice guy. He fixed my phone without me even asking for it! And he refused the bottle of whisky I tried to give him in return. Said it's no problem. Remember that intern from last year? The one that tried to report me for harassment because I told him to stop playing music while working? And Dan? Practically perfect! We never get the _good_ interns!"

Phil sort of tunes out as Vince continues to ramble, because he cannot believe his ears.

_Such a nice chap. Such a nice guy. Practically perfect._

What, Dan? _Nice? Perfect?_

Phil hadn't even considered him in those categories, upon Dan's own request. They did say they wouldn't even _talk_ , and while Phil has a great deal of curiosity about Dan, Dan himself wants none of it.

He came by, asking for Phil? Two months ago? That must have been before they even started this whole thing. Could it be that Dan too wanted to meet him, after their first wordless encounter down in the cafeteria?

Phil sighs, strangely tired, as Vince keeps on talking. Vince requires very little input, luckily, and doesn't seem to understand what he had almost witnessed. They go back to work together, but in all truth, Phil does very little for the rest of the day.

 

His mind is otherwise occupied, and all of those thoughts are thoughts he should not be having at all.

 

-

 

When they meet again at Phil's apartment, he's got far more tension bottled up than he would have liked.

Dan makes no sense, that is a fact. Dan is very certain that he doesn't want to date Phil, which is fair enough; Phil doesn't want to date Dan either. But is Phil really okay with this arrangement?

Obviously.

He has to be, otherwise he wouldn't start undressing Dan the moment he walks in the door. There is a moment of stunned surprise, but Dan follows almost immediately. They don't even talk to each other. What is there to say?

So much, so little. They fit perfectly in one way, but they don't fit at all in so many others.

Or do they? How could Phil even begin to know?

Their lips meet, again and again. Phil doesn't think, he feels. He feels the way Dan's chest vibrates with stifled laughter when Phil bites his ear, something that he knows by now makes Dan both ticklish and aroused. He feels the way Dan's quick breath heats his skin as Dan burrows his face in Phil's shoulder, even biting it at some point; a result of pleasure, he knows.

It's quick. A quick release after a whole day spent longing for it, followed by both of them collapsing on the bed, exhausted. They clean up, put on their pants, then each say nothing at all for several long minutes.

"Am I boring?" Phil finally speaks up, staring at the ceiling instead of at Dan.

Dan chuckles softly. His knee hits Phil's playfully, but he makes no effort to look at him either.

"You weren't _now_."

"Ugh." Phil does what Dan just did: kicks him, but a little harder. "You're so annoying, Dan," he says in earnest.

"So are you, to be honest."

Phil props himself up on his elbows and sits up abruptly upon hearing that.

"What? _Me_? _I'm_ annoying? Have you seen yourself?" Phil sputters. Dan doesn't get up, but does turn his head to look at Phil. His expression is almost mellow, a small grin playing on his face.

"Yeah, with your reasonable preaching and asking to be friends and all that."

"Someone's got to be reasonable," Phil objects, "And I still don't see the problem with being friends."

"Told you. You're annoying."

"Says _you_."

There is laughter in Dan's eyes, and seeing that makes Phil panic. He shouldn't dwell on those meaningless hidden looks. He shouldn't be dwelling on anything at all, as this is clearly going nowhere. As such, he needs to cut this moment short, so he does the only thing he can think of doing.

He grabs his pillow off the floor and smacks Dan in the face.

 

A muffled sound of shock and indignation can be heard, and then Dan sits up immediately, throwing that same pillow right in Phil's face. Seconds later they're both on the bed, on their knees, hitting each other repeatedly, both laughing out loud. This goes on for some time, until Dan falls out of bed, straight on his bum.

"I win!" Phil exclaims triumphantly, throwing himself on the bed so that Dan can't easily get back up. "I'm Balrog and you're Gandalf! You shall not pass!"

Dan sits on the floor, staring at Phil with that same expression that Phil chose to ignore earlier, a side grin combined with contentment in his eyes.

"Okay, one, you're annoying _and_ a nerd," Dan states matter-of-factly. "Two, you're a shitty nerd, because if I'm Gandalf and you're Balrog, that means _I kill you_ , Lester. And it was Gandalf that said _you shall not pass_. It doesn’t add up."

Phil frowns, falling silent. "Oh. Yeah. Right."

"Sucks to be you." Dan stands up with a groan, stretches, and looks down at Phil. "I'm gonna get going."

 _You could stay the night,_ Phil wants to suggest, but ultimately doesn't. There's no point.

If that's the case, why does he say something entirely different?

"I think that you and I could make good friends." Phil's voice is small, but his and Dan's eyes remain locked up until the point that Dan closes his, sighing heavily.

"Look, _maybe_. Okay? I mean, we could be friends, but then we’d have to stop all _this_. No more of it. That just doesn't work."

Just as Phil starts to think he is being given a choice, Dan continues. "And I don't want that. I've got friends. I don't have anyone to have mind-blowing sex with though."

Phil is not sure whether the blush that creeps up on his face is a result of anger or desire. When it comes to Dan, it's usually a bit of both.

"What if we could do both?" he asks instead of getting offended. “It works out for people.”

"No," Dan immediately protests, "We can't. Having sex and being friends all at once is basically dating. And I don't want to date because –"

"Because you're a shitty boyfriend, yeah, yeah," Phil interjects. "I don't want to date you either. I think I'd turn grey in a week."

"Sounds about right, you're kinda old," Dan teases. He begins to get dressed and jumps out of Phil's reach when Phil tries to hit him. "What is the problem, anyway?"

Phil finally breaks eye contact and looks down at his tangled sheets.

What does he say? He doesn't even know what the problem is. Is there a problem? Or is it just his old-fashioned, stupid subconscious?

"Nothing," he dismisses.

Dan seems doubtful, but does not press the issue. Once he's dressed, he looks at Phil expectantly, and Phil simply gets up, then shows him to the door.

"You free on Saturday?" Dan asks, putting on his jacket. It's late at night, it’ll be cold, even in the summer.

Phil stares at him, only slightly out of it, fighting a war inside his head. He wants to kiss Dan, it feels strangely natural to do so, but what would be the point? Dan's leaving, that kiss would lead to nowhere. He holds back and gives Dan an inconsequential _maybe_.

"I'll text you, then."

"Yeah. See you at work, Dan."

Dan lingers in the doorway for an instant, but eventually steps outside.

"See you, Phil."

 

Of course Phil is free on Saturday. He will just have to decide whether he is free _for Dan_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this one is a few hours late, I'll keep a better schedule now! I still want to update twice a week, ideally. :)  
> Thanks so much for your feedback, you guys are the best! Please leave me a comment if you liked it! <3
> 
> As always, a massive thank you to my beta [insectbah](https://insectbah.tumblr.com)!!!!


	6. fatigue

As Friday approaches, Phil's week gets progressively worse and worse, and most of it has to do with work.

Meetings where he had to make up excuses for things he had nothing to do with. A fight with Lily over an assignment. Vivian complaining about his so-called lack of vision.

The fact that his work days feel longer now that they don't include Dan, or rather the things they were doing in strange hidden places.

The final cherry on top comes on Friday, when Vivian says that his previously approved vacation time is no more, because they'll be short-staffed in August. Saying he's already got plans doesn't help, she still refuses to budge.

Phil wasn't lying. He _did_ have plans. He wanted to visit his parents on the Isle of Man.

 

He should stand up for himself more, he knows. He used to. But you can only fight in your own corner so many times before you either surrender or need someone to help you. The thing with Johnson Productions is that not many people are brave enough to help one another.

His coworkers show him a lot of sympathy. Kent even offers to give up his vacation time for Phil, but ten minutes later he too is called in and told that he won't have time off until late September.

 

Come Friday afternoon, Phil leaves work in really low spirits, without having seen Dan since Tuesday. They would most likely have seen each other if not for Phil's firm decision not to meet up at work anymore. They don’t meet at their respective flats that often - it’s more difficult to schedule.

Well, they _could_ meet up at work. For lunch or for a chat. But that's not something Dan is the least interested in.

Phil goes about his usual Friday chores: he does the grocery shopping, he cooks himself something nice (he nearly sets the kitchen on fire, but the meal is only slightly burnt), he calls his Mum and moans about his job for half an hour, promises to come visit for a weekend instead.

In his gloomy thoughts, he forgets that he and Dan had tentative plans to meet up the next day, but it seems that Dan hasn't forgotten, because Phil receives a text.

 

**Dan**

sooo tomorrow

you free?

 

Truth is, he _would_ like to see Dan, but at the same time, he's not sure if the pleasure is worth the frustration after a week such as this. Regardless, after a moment's consideration, he texts back:

 

**Phil**

Yeah

Come to mine?

 

**Dan**

around 8?

 

**Phil**

Okay

 

Phil has almost stopped being bothered by how impersonal their texts are. Maybe Dan is right. Maybe this is the best way.

 

- 

On Saturday, Phil wakes up tired.

It's not a regular thing for him. He used to be such a positive person. He was one of those freaks who was actually _excited_ to go to work. _Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life_ , that kind of person.

But this job? It's like a heavy weight, attached to his foot, and he's being told to swim. It drains him of all of his energy, even on his days off.

After an hour of mindlessly browsing the internet in bed, he gets up and goes about his day, knowing in the back of his mind that in the evening, Dan will come around and distract him. But is that such a great solution? For the past two months, he's been using the whole Dan thing as an excuse not to think about anything else, all the while telling himself not to think about Dan at all. Perhaps Phil should just stop thinking altogether. The worst part of it is, even when he _does_ think about Dan, it offers him little clarity. He can't make out his own feelings on the subject, let alone Dan's.

Despite his inner conflict, he does make an effort. He cleans the flat and puts on a shirt that is not plaid, lest Dan and his superior fashion sense be offended. He doesn't make dinner, of course, because Dan is not visiting him to eat. He heats up last night's meal and eats by himself over an episode of Buffy. Afterwards, without planning on it, he manages to doze off.

 

It's the doorbell that wakes him up.

He only has just enough time to quickly glance in the mirror in the hall, which for the sake of sanity he should _not_ be doing. His hair is a mess, his shirt looks like he pulled it straight out of the dryer, and there are dark circles underneath his eyes. How attractive.

He opens the door, finding Dan looking as good as ever, smiling at him expectantly.

It would be so easy. Just get it started, forget the tiredness and how fed up with so many things he has been. Lose himself in this thing he is still not entirely sold on and take the lead, if only to make himself feel better.

"Hey," Phil greets Dan, his voice a little sleepy.

A slight frown comes and goes as Dan responds, "Hi."

Phil moves aside so that Dan can enter the flat, shuts the door, and takes a deep breath.

They both stand there motionless. Phil can sense Dan's eyes on him, but he doesn't have the power to meet them.

What's the matter? Wasn't this just what he wanted? To run away from reality?

He's being daft. He has come to terms with this whole thing, sort of. As for whether he wants it, obviously, he _does_. It's almost a reflex by now – to reach out and touch Dan as soon as he is able to.

Then why does he not follow the reflex, why does he stray from their usual pattern?

Phil, at long last, looks up and allows the eye contact. It's no good, the way it makes him feel.

"Nice shirt," Dan comments after a moment of silence.

"I fell asleep," Phil rushes to explain, instantly assuming that Dan is poking fun. "That's why it's so crumpled."

"No, I meant it. I like the um, the corgis."

Phil remembers the way Vince spoke about Dan, while Phil himself usually seems to jump to the worst of conclusions. Yet it is Phil that is sleeping with him. Life makes no sense.

"I thought you were being sarcastic," Phil admits. Dan purses his lips and shoots him a playful grin that looks somewhat rehearsed.

"I mean, if you need an iron I can bring you one the next time I come 'round."

Phil's smile transforms from forced to somewhat sincere. This is more like the Dan that he knows.

"There you go, then," Phil says in a voice barely above a whisper.

Normally, they'd already be kissing. Why aren't they now?

"That shirt will look better off, though," Dan jokes. He then bites his lip, staring at Phil questioningly. Clearly the change must be easy to sense.

Phil nods, and almost as soon as he does, Dan's long fingers are already unbuttoning his shirt. Gently this time, more so than usual, probably not to damage it. He then allows Dan to remove it, allows him to kiss his neck and wrap his arms around his waist. Step by step, they make their way to the bedroom, and Phil does reciprocate, but it all lacks their usual heat. He's too distracted, too tired. It's just one of those days.

Dan takes the lead, straddling Phil, removing his own shirt when Phil doesn't assist, kissing his lips with more fervor than he receives in return.

Phil does want Dan. Desperately. But sometimes, there are other things that he wants more. It's just one of those days.

 

When Dan kisses his lips yet again as he lies on top of him, Phil opens his eyes. He is not surprised to find that Dan's are half-open too, that he is studying him, trying to figure out what's wrong.

The kiss is broken. Dan props himself up on his elbows to allow a few inches between them.

"We don't have to," Dan whispers simply.

"I want to," Phil replies. He's not lying.

"Yeah, but – but we don't _have_ to, Phil."

Phil frowns and looks away, unable to handle the way Dan seems to see right through him. This is definitely way out of their shared comfort zone; they're not meant to be talking, they're meant to be _fucking_. As it is now, Phil is up to neither.

Dan rolls off and lies down next to him, on his side.

 

Many emotions course through Phil, the chief of them being disappointment. Disappointment in himself, because he agreed to this arrangement, yet seems unable to fully go through with it. Disappointment, because he really _does_ want to, if only to forget for a while.

If he and Dan are less than friends with benefits, what is the point of Dan coming over if they don't end up having sex? Won't Dan feel like his time has gone to waste? There's no way of knowing if Phil doesn't check.

With a degree of trepidation, Phil turns his head and their eyes immediately find each other.

Dan doesn't look angry, disappointed, upset. His countenance is calm, but his gaze is unusually serious. Phil knows what he is about to ask.

"I'm okay," he assures. "Sorry if I've – I don't know, wasted your time I guess."

Dan knits his brows, but he's smiling. His whole expression says _you're being daft_.

"Stop being stupid. It's fine, Phil."

A brief thought runs through Phil's mind, quickly chased away by other, more rational ones.

 _I like the way you say my name_.

"I've just had… a week." Phil sighs, then goes back to staring at the ceiling. It's better that way.

After a pause, Dan quietly asks, "D'you want me to leave?"

"No," Phil rushes to protest, then catches himself. "I mean, not unless you _want_ to."

The seconds that follow feel like forever. Phil counts them in his head. One, two, thirteen, fifty-six…

"You got anything to eat?"

Phil's eyes widen in surprise. He glances at Dan just in time to see him sit up, stretch, and get out of bed. He puts on his shirt, and then looks over his shoulder, down at Phil.

A sense of warmth spreads throughout Phil's body. He should have cooked, after all.

He too sits up before responding.

"Not really…"

"Wanna order some Domino's? I'm fucking starving."

He shrugs in response to Dan’s question; he wouldn't want to appear too enthusiastic. However, by the time they are arguing over the menu, he gradually begins to relax.

It's a little bit awkward, at first, and not because they don't get along. It's mostly Phil, really. Dan is giving him a bit of whiplash and he finds that he doesn't know how to react right off the bat.

Isn't this what he wanted, though? What he felt was lacking?

If it's all meaningless, there is no reason to get all worked up about it, right?

 

They place their order and sit down in the lounge, both on the same sofa, but far enough apart that they don't touch. Fleetingly, Phil takes note of how he's seen Dan at his most intimate, and yet something like hugging, cuddling or holding hands feels like an impossibility. It's weird, all of it, and while Phil handles _weird_ pretty well, he prefers when things make more sense to him. For tonight, he chooses to embrace it.

 

He sits comfortably, his feet up on the coffee table. Dan, upon seeing the way Phil is sitting, does the same thing. And they're silent. And at first it's alright, but then it's starting to quicken Phil's heartbeat. It's starting to make him scour his brain for things to talk about. Because they are not _meant_ to be talking, but surely in this situation they're _supposed_ to be talking?

Dan is the one that saves Phil from his own mind by speaking first.

"You're not from London, are you?" he asks, sounding only mildly interested.

Phil grins. "What, do I still sound Northern?"

"A bit," Dan admits.

"I'm from Rawtenstall. It's a bit north of Manchester." He pauses, counts the years in his head. "But I've lived here for… six years, now."

"And you've still got the accent," Dan remarks playfully. "Why'd you move?"

"Got a job offer here." Phil sighs heavily. Just thinking about work is enough to remind him why he and Dan are not currently in bed, doing something more fun than this awkward kind of small talk.

Dan rests his head on the back of the sofa, but tilts it towards Phil so that he can look at his face. "Was it worth it? To move, I mean?"

Was it? Phil has no idea. If you weigh it all in, probably not.

What had he achieved during those six years in London? One failed relationship, a few shorter flings, a job he has grown to hate, a flat that he is paying a mortgage on…

"Sorry," Dan says quietly, pulling Phil out of his downward spiral. "Have I accidentally sent you into an existential crisis?"

Phil frowns, confused. "What?"

"It's your face. You've got that – that look on your face, like… Like when you're upset, you look so different," Dan explains. His voice falters at the end.

"I wasn't aware that you care about the look on my face, Dan," Phil retorts, unable to resist.

"Why wouldn't I? I'm not trying to hate you, you know. I just don't want to _like_ you."

Phil almost audibly groans at hearing this; often he'd like to punch Dan just as much as he wants to snog him. Luckily for him, the doorbell rings and he goes to pick up their pizza.

Once he comes back to the room, he finds that Dan has already turned on the telly and also accessed Netflix.

"I was going to say make yourself at home, but I guess I didn't have to," Phil remarks, setting the food down and sitting back on the sofa.

"Come on, who would eat pizza without simultaneously watching something?" Dan grabs one of the biggest slices and moans upon tasting it. It doesn't sound that different from what Phil is almost accustomed to hearing by now. He chooses not to remark on it and focuses on his own pizza; after all, he turned down that _different_ kind of moaning less than an hour ago.

Why did he do that again?

"Jesus, Phil. The Notebook in recently watched? _Really_?"

Phil almost chokes on his food, then proceeds to snatch the remote from Dan.

"I – I share the account with my mum!" he cries.

"Mhmmm, yeah, right. Give it here, I wanna see what else you've been watching!"

"What for?"

"For shits and giggles, obvs," Dan says, then steals the remote back while Phil is still flustered. He clicks through all sorts of films and shows, up until he reaches the anime section.

"We could watch Death Note?" Phil suggests on a whim. He hasn't seen that one in years. Also, the sooner they decide the smaller the chance that Dan will continue browsing the things Phil has been watching.

"You like anime?" Dan asks at first, then adds with a grin, "Why am I not surprised."

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?" Phil mutters.

Dan shrugs in reply. "You just seem like the type."

"But you like anime too," Phil guesses, because Dan did start up Death Note after all.

"Yeah." There's a pause. Dan looks at the screen while Phil looks at Dan. "Are you going to say that makes four?"

"Four what?"

"Four things we have in common, you idiot. You're the one that started counting."

"That's five now. You think I'm an idiot, I think _you're_ an idiot," Phil fires back, stuffing his face full of pizza.

Dan snorts inelegantly. Phil mentally scolds himself for the feeling of pride he feels at having made Dan laugh.

 

They sit in relative silence for a while, remarking on the show now and then, but mostly just eating pizza. When the first episode ends, Dan speaks up, changing the subject completely.

"You know," he says quietly, eyes glued to the screen. "If I hate something, I usually try to change it."

Whiplash. Whiplash is right. What is Dan on about this time?

"What do you –" Phil begins, only to be interrupted.

"Your job?"

"Oh. Yeah." Phil glances at Dan, who eventually meets his eyes. "Easier said than done."

"Seems pretty simple to me."

"So there is nothing you'd change in _your_ life, then? Nothing that you hate?" Phil asks, his voice incredulous.

Dan blinks, bites his lip, ponders the response. "There is, yeah. But I'm _trying_ to change it."

Phil's mind is racing a mile a minute now. He desperately wants to know, of course. Both out of sheer curiosity and wanting to figure out at least _one_ thing about Dan that is not related to his physical traits. Somehow, he feels it’s wrong to ask more.

"Hope it works out," he utters in reply.

Dan nods out of courtesy. They shift their focus back to the show.

 

Phil wonders if there was a chance to change something when it comes to Dan. If there was, he must have wasted it.

 

-

 

When the clock strikes two in the morning, Dan proposes Mario Kart. Phil fights to conceal his shock at this whole evening and agrees, then loses the majority of the races.

The thing is, he finds it hard to focus when he has Dan next to him. What he didn't want hours ago, he wants now, but he'd never break this spell that Dan must be under.

One thing is for sure. Dan managed to distract him yet again.

It's difficult to sit there, next to him, playing a game it turns out they both love, and not just… Just up and kiss him, just because. Just touch him for any reason, and for no reason. Just drop the game and move to the bedroom.

Phil is starting to see the point Dan is trying to make. They can't possibly be friends, these thoughts would only get worse. As it is now, Phil conveniently writes them off as confusion and tiredness, both of which are very real problems of his. His brain doesn't know what to think anymore.

 

They end up playing until a little past four. Phil doesn't know why Dan had stayed this long. He doesn't dare to ask. What surprises him even more is Dan choosing to go home. Pizza, Death Note and Mario Kart are not the things he came here for today; and yet, here Dan is, standing at his doorstep, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly. Suddenly, the whole evening seems to dawn on them both and neither says anything.

Phil's thoughts travel back to several hours ago. Dan was stood at his door, much like he is now. Dan came here for one reason, but stayed for another. Dan, the guy who pretty much wants nothing to do with Phil that does not involve some form of sexual activity, spent several hours at his place, and after that first attempt, they haven't even touched.

And now, Phil is to stay here alone, with all these thoughts and more to bother him endlessly.

 

He doesn't want to be alone tonight.

Dan swallows thickly when their eyes meet. He must be seeing it in Phil's; surely he senses what is about to happen.

He does nothing to stop it.

Phil leans in, kisses him. It's slow, it's not filled with any kind of urgency. It’s different. Phil doesn't want to think about it.

Wordlessly, Dan steps back inside and shuts the door.

 

-

 

 _It doesn’t mean anything,_ they both agree somewhere between one kiss and the next. Only this time, Phil knows for a fact that he, at least, is lying.

There’s much more to Dan Howell than meets the eye, and if this arrangement was difficult before, it’s only gotten worse now.

It’s a truth he hadn’t been aware of before. It strikes him long after Dan has fallen asleep.

 

Phil may want a lover, if Dan can be called that, a warm, willing body to take him away from reality... but what he really _needs_ is a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it, please let me know down in the comments. It's super motivating! <3 I'd also appreciate it if you consider reblogging this on tumblr: [click here](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/177594553910/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-6-fatigue)
> 
> A million thanks goes to my amazing beta reader - [insectbah](https://insectbah.tumblr.com) <3


	7. anticipation

Phil slowly drifts back to reality sometime past noon. He opens his eyes lazily, then immediately closes them, blinded by the sunlight that slips through the curtains. Eyes shut, he rolls onto his stomach and feels around for his glasses.

He doesn't have to look to know that the bed is empty.

Has Dan gone home?

Still in bed, Phil checks his phone, finding two missed calls from Martyn, followed by a few texts.

 

**Martyn**

Get up you lazy bum

I need to go to the shops tomorrow and I'm meant to take the girls

Come help?

 

Phil yawns. The last thing he wants is to go shopping, but he hasn't seen Martyn in a couple of weeks, his nieces even longer than that. It's probably best if he joins them.

 

**Phil**

I'm not lazy!

I'll go, just text me the time

 

He tosses the phone aside, lays his head back on the pillow, and glances at the side of the bed that Dan slept in. Memories from the previous night come flooding in, all the way up until the moment when Phil suggested Dan just stays the night. They both fell asleep mere minutes later, exhausted.

It was a good night. Perhaps, for the sake of them both, it'd be better if it wasn't.

 

Phil sighs, gets out of bed and pulls on the first pair of boxers he finds in his drawer. It's then that he hears the sound of running water, coming from the bathroom.

The initial thought of _oh my god I'm getting robbed I'm gonna die_ is quickly replaced by the only logical conclusion: Dan must still be in the flat. However, to be safe, before heading towards the bathroom Phil stops by the kitchen, and grabs a rolling pin.

Outside the door, he calls, "Hello? Dan?"

About half a minute later, the water stops running. Phil holds on to the rolling pin a little tighter, waiting.

With no warning, Dan peeks out of the bathroom; Phil nearly hits him on reflex.

"What the – _Phil!_ " Dan exclaims, taking an unsteady step backwards.

Phil immediately sets the almost-weapon down on the floor and rushes towards Dan.

"Sorry! I thought you were a burglar!" he explains, as though that is a logical assumption to make. "Are you okay, Dan?"

Dan rolls his eyes, then says, "Yeah I'm fine, you idiot. You didn't _actually_ hit me."

Phil releases the breath he had been holding in one relieved sigh. “I’m sorry, I’ve lived alone for so long, I...”

He trails off, distracted. As he takes a good look at Dan, his breathing stops again, for another reason entirely.

Dan is naked, wet from the shower, and… and if Phil ever had a type, Dan would be the epitome of it. He looks just about as good as a human being can look, at least by Phil's standards.

As Phil's gaze slowly moves upwards and finally reaches Dan's face, he is met by a smirk. Why is Phil so transparent, so easy to read? Dan obviously knows the effect he has on him, the lust that never seems to go away.

 

Phil's clearly affected by the sight and it shows, meanwhile, Dan's smug expression only intensifies. Phil shouldn't give in right now – he should walk right out of the bathroom, shut the door in Dan's face and go make some coffee. Then take a cold, cold, cold shower as soon as possible.

Phil gets his _should_ and _need_ mixed up a lot when it comes to Dan.

"Good morning," Dan says with that stupid, stupid grin. He raises his brows and casts a telling glance downwards, as if Phil didn't know that he knows.

Phil looks down too. Dan is in a similar situation. Now, it is Phil's turn to feel smug, and that little bit of control is what gives him the power to turn right around and walk away, leaving Dan dumbfounded.

 

Phil isn't naïve enough to assume that last night will change things. If Phil relinquishes the bits of control he's got in this arrangement, it's all going to come crashing down on him.

He will preserve _some_ of his dignity, if nothing else.

" _Really?_ " Dan calls after him, his voice dipping into whiny territory. Phil couldn't feel more pleased with himself as he walks towards the kitchen, still hard and willing, but having resisted.

"I need coffee," Phil shouts back. As if coffee is that important. As if his heart isn't racing a million miles an hour right now as it is.

Dan, two steps behind Phil, comes to a stop when he does. Phil is standing at the counter, acting oblivious up until the moment Dan wraps his arms around him from behind, pulling him flush against his body.

"You can't look at me like that and then do nothing," Dan rasps somewhere close to Phil's ear. A shiver runs down his spine, his nerves on edge with anticipation.

"I can," he protests weakly.

"Fine, you _can_ , but why?"

Phil turns around, Dan's arms still wrapped around him. It's not a good idea. The added visual of Dan's eyes, so dark and intense, is making this thing more difficult. And he's meant to be proving something to himself.

Something important. That despite last night, nothing has to change. Phil doesn’t think that Dan would allow much room for change, and losing this is starting to become the far worse alternative.

 

Dan bucks his hips into Phil's without breaking eye contact. Phil swallows, wanting nothing more than to run towards the bedroom, push Dan down on the bed and just…

"You can't always have what you want," Phil replies.

He puts both of his hands on Dan's hips, pulls him even closer. Dan leans forward, wanting to kiss him, but Phil purposely avoids it. He allows his hands to roam; he touches Dan everywhere, except where Dan wants it the most. He kisses his neck, but not his lips. He grabs Dan's wrists and stops him when he tries to touch him.

It's different than last night, and different from before. It's hasty and charged, but there's something more right underneath the surface that Phil does not intend to explore.

"Please," Dan pants into his ear after long, excruciating minutes of teasing.

Phil's eyes widen in surprise. Dan takes advantage of the situation and finally kisses him, long and deep and filled with need.

Phil thinks that his point had been sufficiently proven as he surrenders completely, stumbling as he does exactly what he wanted to do – take Dan back to bed and push him down, secretly enjoying the way Dan gives him what he currently needs, if only this one time.

 

-

 

Dan leaves soon after. He doesn't stay for lunch.

As Phil shows him to the door, he has to resist the urge to pull him back in. He can’t keep doing that.

"See you at work," Phil says quietly.

"See you, Phil."

Why does he want to kiss his lips so desperately, if he last kissed them a mere thirty minutes ago?

Phil shuts the door before his recklessness gets the best of him.

 

As he goes to sleep later that night, once again alone in his bed, he still feels tired. He still feels like about eight out of ten things in his life are not the way he’d want them to be.

Yet no matter how much he tries not to, he has to admit that this whole thing with Dan, however flawed, annoying, nonsensical it may be, has given him one thing that he’s been missing for a while now.

 

Something to look forward to.

 

-

 

Phil tries hard not to think about Saturday, but he fails. He also fails to focus on any of his projects on Monday, and he fails to stop overanalyzing everything. Failure is starting to feel familiar; he’s had a lot of it in the past few months.

 

Of one thing he remains sure. He doesn't want to date Dan, but…

But seeing him the way he did over the weekend, he can't help but want more from this arrangement. Surely they could find a way to keep it harmless while still enjoying each other on more than one level, or at least that's what he wants to think.

The problem is, no matter what Phil might fancy, enjoy or wish for, there are two sides to every coin. In the case of this particular _coin_ , the side that has Dan on it is completely impossible.

There is no good solution, and he's not even sure that it can be called a problem.

 

He opens up his texts several times throughout the day, but Dan does not send him a message.

 

-

"Why are there like, _twenty thousand people_ here?"

Phil merely shrugs in response. Martyn, his slightly older (and shorter, which is a constant source of Phil's happiness) brother is not wrong. Going to any kind of mall in the late afternoon, even on a Monday, equals standing in queues, bumping into people, tripping over their carts or their children, so on, so on. His brother should have expected this when he invited Phil to help him out with the shopping.

Helping out means that Phil gets to push around the stroller with his two nieces, and Martyn goes in and out of shops, buys things, then comes back out complaining. All in all, Phil has got the better deal this time.

"Right, what else…" Martyn checks the shopping list and then whines, "Oh, god. Specialty dog food. Where's the pet shop?"

Phil shrugs again. He hasn't been very chatty today.

"I'm going to assume you're stretching and not just shrugging at me repeatedly," Martyn says lightly.

"You're very generous today, Mar," Phil remarks. He lets out a deep breath and eventually manages a smile. "I'm just tired. It's been a long couple of weeks."

"They're really working you to the bone over there, aren't they?"

Phil purses his lips and sighs yet again. "Yeah…"

"Told you to come run the business with me," Martyn reminds him with a grin, which diminishes the _I told you so_ effect. "You still could."

Phil gives Martyn a slight bump on the shoulder, thanks him and then proceeds to pay attention to his nieces, who are starting to get fussy.

 

Once their errands are done, they decide to head to the food court to eat. Phil takes the girls, makes his way through hordes of people, and secures a table for them while Martyn goes to order.

"Look at that! It's a zebra!" Phil exclaims cheerfully, showing the girls a photo of a zebra on his phone. "Isn't it cute? It's like a really big dog. Well, I'm not sure if you could keep one as a pet, but they look… No, Soph, don't take the phone –"

Through the cacophony of voices that surround them, he suddenly hears one that sounds strangely familiar. It's coming from behind him. Is he hallucinating?

"Phil? What -- are they _yours_?"

Phil turns around, surprised to find Dan standing there, Dan’s eyes rapidly flitting between him and the girls. He is carrying a tray with some food from McDonald's.

Phil immediately stands up, looks down at his nieces, back at Dan and then bursts into laughter.

"What? _No_! Oh my god Dan, do I _look_ like a dad?" Dan is about to say something, but Phil doesn't necessarily want to hear the response. "No, these are my nieces. Sophie and Lizzie."

"Oh. Oh, alright." Dan temporarily sets his tray down on the table, crouches to be on the same level as the girls, and waves at them with a smile. "Hi there! I'm Dan. Are you two okay? I may not know your uncle that well, but I don't think he is capable of keeping two tiny little children alive for too long –"

"Dan!" Phil cries, indignation and mirth mixed together in the tone of his voice. Dan's eyes turn back towards him.

"Oh, come on, I can't be wrong. I've known you for like two months, and I've already seen you trip like, _five_ times. You're not a very steady person."

"Hard not to trip at the place we mostly saw each other," he says quietly, lest his nieces hear. Not that they could make any sense of it. "It's better now."

Dan actually flushes ever so slightly, stands up and replies, " _I_ managed not to trip at all. It's not that hard."

If sitting together on the sofa on Saturday night at first felt odd, then this is on a whole new level. Phil almost has flashbacks of how they spent the early Sunday afternoon - a most inconvenient thing to have in this time and place.

Just as Phil is about to respond, Martyn approaches them with their food.

"The lines were fucking _enormous_ ," Martyn announces, then notices Dan. "Oh, I didn't see you had company!"

"You can't use bad words in front of the girls!" Phil chastises him immediately.

He observes Dan through the corner of his eye, unsurprised to find him fidgeting uncomfortably.

"They don't know their hands from their bums yet, Philip. They're fine." He smiles affectionately at his daughters. "So, who's your friend?"

"This is Dan, my uh, my coworker," Phil introduces, pondering on that last word for a few seconds too long. Martyn's attention immediately shifts from Dan to Phil, then back to Dan.

"Cool! Hey, I'm Martyn, Phil's unfortunate brother." Martyn extends his hand out for a shake, which Dan reluctantly accepts.

"Nice to meet you," Dan says politely, then adds, "Well, I'm gonna leave you to it."

"Why don't you come sit with us?" Martyn suggests. Phil has to fight the urge to kick him.

Dan's expression closely resembles that of a deer in the headlights, and while it's all quite awkward, Phil finds some satisfaction in it. If only Dan wasn't so difficult about being friends and talking and all that, he may have felt less out of place now.

"I was going to sit over there." Dan points with his head to some far corner of the food court. Phil has to stifle a laugh; it's almost as if they were at work.

"Oh, come on, I never get to meet Phil's coworkers! He says they're all awful." Martyn pauses, thinks for a moment and hastily adds, "I mean, he hasn't said that about _you_ specifically. I've never heard of you."

"Thanks, Mar," Phil pitches in. "Dan, you can – you don't _have_ to sit with us. I'll just see you at work, yeah?"

"It's really alright, you don't have to sit by yourself! Here, hand me your tray." And just like that, Martyn takes the tray from Dan, and thirty seconds later, they're all sitting at the same table.

 

Martyn feeds the girls and eats in between. Phil avoids looking at Dan and focuses on his meal while also trying to keep his nieces entertained with a picture book. As for Dan, after a moment of stunned silence, he eventually sighs and starts eating too.

"So Dan, what do you do? Are you two in the same department?" Martyn asks conversationally in between bites of food.

"Dan is in the law department," Phil rushes to answer before Dan even gets to swallow down the next bite. Dan shoots him a dirty look.

"Oh, so you're a lawyer! How exciting!" Martyn takes a big bite out of his burger and makes a thoughtful sort of noise. "You know what, Dan, you should come to our game night this weekend! Phil always comes alone and sits by himself like a los—" At that, Martyn pauses, because Phil finally _does_ kick him in the ankle.

Phil doesn't know why Martyn chose today of all days to be the insufferable elder brother, but it's really, really bad. Just sitting in Dan's company, with Phil’s family, is not good. Dan and the rest of the people that Phil knows are two different worlds, two words that do not mix _at all_.

"No, no way. Just ignore him," Phil says to Dan. "He doesn't know what he's talking about."

"Phil, you're being rude. You can't invite or uninvite people! You're a guest!"

Dan, previously somewhere between misery and weariness, suddenly grins. For a fleeting second, Phil thinks that he sees a hint of mischief in his eyes.

"You know what, that sounds _lovely_. Thanks."

Phil's mouth falls slightly open, a fact quickly remedied, when he sees the way Martyn is looking at him. Out of lack of something to say, he focuses entirely on his nieces, all the while feeling two pairs of eyes on him.

"Awesome! Give me your number, I'll text you the address."

Phil listens as they exchange numbers and begin to chat amicably about the upcoming game night that Martyn and his wife Cornelia organize every year since they came to London.

All the while, he remembers two things. One, if he were to invite Dan to such a thing, he'd get laughed at.

Two, Saturday and Sunday. Had something changed after all? Is Dan warming up to the idea of the two of them becoming friends?

Phil glances at Dan; Dan smiles, breaks eye contact, pulls out his phone.

Moments later, Phil receives a text.

 

**Dan**

you don’t always get what you want phil

 

When their eyes meet again, it's with a degree of understanding. Phil doesn't really allow himself to think that anything has changed, not for Dan.

But if this is a game they are both playing, then that game involves more than Phil initially thought.

 

-

 

They part ways with Dan at the parking lot. Unwittingly, Phil's eyes follow him until he disappears.

"He's nice," Martyn remarks inconsequentially, strapping the girls in the car.

"Is he?" Phil replies. He's not sure, but after Saturday, he is more inclined to believe that.

"Is he your boyfriend?"

"What?" Phil sputters. "No! He's my coworker."

Martyn shoots him a knowing side grin and gets in the car.

"Is that some sort of a new name for _boyfriend_?"

"Don’t be ridiculous. He's not even my _friend_." Fortunate or not, that remains true.

"I'm surprised. You two have done nothing but some major eye-fucking during the last hour."

Phil shuts his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. He checks the backseat. Luckily, both the girls are asleep.

"You have an overactive imagination."

"And you're withholding some juicy details. C'mon, Phil, I'm old, married, with two children! Give the old man some fun!"

Phil can't help but laugh at that. "You're _two years older_. You're right. You're practically ancient."

Phil chooses to ignore the way Martyn keeps pulling faces at him. Being the younger brother does not always mean being less mature.

 

-

 

After Phil gets home, he begins to process the last three days. Saturday, Sunday. Today too - an oddity really, for them to bump into each other, for Martyn to behave the way he did, for Dan to eventually go along with it. His brother may not know it, but he really should not be getting involved in this particular well, _situation_ of Phil’s. He can hardly call it a relationship.

He can’t really imagine meeting Dan at the game night, with several other people around, all of whom Phil has known for a few years. He can’t imagine meeting Dan prior to the game night either, despite clearly wanting to. He also can’t imagine _not_ seeing him, even though admitting that to himself takes far more courage than he feels comfortable with.

 

Later on, as he lies in bed, he decides to text Dan.

 

**Phil**

Have you changed your mind?

 

Phil doesn't even realize that his heart begins to race. Nervous, he keeps staring at his phone until Dan finally replies.

 

**Dan**

about?

 

**Phil**

Us being friends

 

**Dan**

no why

i told you phil

it wont work out

it never does

its never friends + sex

its one or the other

 

Phil rolls his eyes. The man is impossible. Why does he even bother?

 

**Phil**

Right

 

Is this still better than being alone? Is less than half of something better than none?

Even as he sends the next message, he still doesn't know.

 

**Phil**

Want to come over?

 

-

 

Phil is not surprised when Dan doesn't stay the night. It fits this twisted sort of pattern they have fallen into over the last two months.

What surprises him is the gentle kiss Dan lays on his cheek as they part. What surprises him even more is the way he feels a little less lonely, falling asleep in his empty bed, his mind filled with thoughts of the upcoming days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you all for your response to the previous chapter! I hope this one won't disappoint too. Let me know your thoughts, I really appreciate it! :) [Reblogs on tumblr](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/177663225980/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-7) are also great if you feel like it!
> 
> As per usual **thank you** to my beta reader [insectbah](https://insectbah.tumblr.com) who improves this fic by 1000%! <3


	8. courage

The next day, Phil is given an assignment that once again requires some major overtime. He sits in the office until late into the evening. The pleasant, albeit confusing weekend slowly dissolves into memories that remain somewhere in the back of his head, taunting him.

His colleagues are just as grumpy as he is, because Viv popped into their room, remarked that she heard them laughing and asked them if they'd got nothing else to do. They do. They each have _lots_ to do, and apparently, they have to do it in silence. So they sit, quiet as mice, each focused on their own task, counting down the minutes until they're free to go.

Out of the entire team, Phil is probably the one with the least pressure to go home. He's the only one that lives alone. Vivian tends to abuse it by giving him the most urgent assignments, knowing that he will take the overtime and do what needs to be done.

Often he finds himself wishing he had something to come home to.

Perhaps he should get a dog.

Once all of his coworkers are gone, he starts planning on leaving as well. It's closing on 8 PM on a Thursday night. He'd like to go home and get some sleep.

He slumps back in the chair and rubs his eyes tiredly. As he begins to hear footsteps approaching, he is fully ready to expect the worst. Maybe Viv is still at work, ready to yell at him for closing his eyes for twenty seconds. He wouldn’t put it past her.

But no. It's not Viv. It's Dan.

 

Dan peeks through the half-open door to Phil’s office. Upon finding him, he grins.

"I knew you'd still be here," he claims as he comes in and shuts the door.

Phil conceals his surprise at Dan's sudden arrival. He'll take it. He hasn't seen him since Monday.

 _That's not that long_ , he reminds himself, but the giddiness stubbornly remains.

Dan is wearing a shirt that looks like expensive pyjamas combined with a carpet, made of silky black fabric, covered in some intricate golden drawings. The first two buttons are left undone, and the shirt itself is tucked into his skinny jeans.

It's honestly annoying, how Dan can wear the most ridiculous piece of clothing Phil has ever seen and still look like a model.

"Why are _you_ still here?" Phil asks.

Dan, without asking permission, moves all of Phil's things to the side and sits on his desk. Phil is too tired to even reprimand him.

"I was supposed to do something by tomorrow, but I forgot about it. Spent the whole day fucking around on Reddit." Phil pulls his best unamused face. Their experience with working at this company couldn't be more different. As if to amend for his previous words, Dan adds, "That, and I ran into Vince. He said you're working late today."

Phil nods tiredly, then the words begin to sink in.

"You stayed late for me?" he concludes, fully prepared to be ridiculed.

"Don't flatter yourself, Lester. But okay, maybe partially."

It's obvious why Dan would stay, why Dan sought him out, but warmth washes over Phil anyway. He stayed for him.

"I told you, not at work," Phil says in what he hopes to be a serious kind of tone.

Dan, of course, immediately tries to argue, but Phil places his palm over Dan's mouth.

"Not at work," he repeats, keeping his hand right where it was.

Dan's response is to roll his eyes theatrically, but he does nothing to pull Phil's hand away. Instead, Dan kisses Phil's palm, all the while looking into his eyes. He then takes hold of Phil's wrist and continues kissing his hand, finger after finger, never once breaking eye contact.

Phil sits there, quite overwhelmed, unable to put an end to it, and unsure if he'd even want to.

"We can't _here_ ," he whispers.

Dan flashes him the key card in response, saying nothing.

He shouldn't.

He needs this.

He _wants_ this.

 

Wordlessly, Phil takes the card from Dan and leaves the room, Dan following him with a small smile on his face.

 

-

 

"You're not _really_ coming on Saturday, are you?" Phil asks sometime later, as they're both sorting themselves out, still in the maintenance closet.

"Coming where? Oh, right. That thing with your brother."

"You really don't have to. Don't mind Martyn, he's… he's very _social_." Phil's voice sounds far less relaxed than he would want it to, and he knows that Dan will notice.

"Why don't you want me to go? You're the one that's always all like _friends, friends, friends_ ," Dan retorts. At first, this makes Phil grow defensive, but then he catches that playful gleam in Dan's eyes.

"Why would you _want_ to go? You don't want to talk to me, much less my family."

"To spite you, really. Besides, your brother seems cool."

Punching Dan, snogging Dan, yeah. The former is winning. Again.

"We're coworkers and nothing more, then," Phil demands. "Martyn thinks we're dating."

This seems to have some sort of an effect on Dan, because all hints of playfulness are immediately wiped from his expression.

After some thought, Dan speaks. Phil immediately wishes that he hadn't.

"Yeah, 'course we're coworkers. Isn't that what we are?"

Dan leaves work soon after they part. Phil stays a little longer.

 

-

_Saturday_

 

"Phil! Hi, sweetie! Come on in!"

Phil smiles from ear to ear as he is greeted by Cornelia, his brother's wife of three years. He's always happy to see her - she's one of his favourite people, almost like a sister. Martyn got well lucky with her. She gives him a hug that he is more than happy to return.

"It's great to see you," he says, handing her the cookies and the wine that he had brought today.

"And you! Come, your friend is already here." She winks at Phil and he immediately knows that Martyn must have told her things that are very, very untrue. "He's cute, I'll give you that."

"He is _not_ my friend," he mutters, following her into the lounge. He'll have a talk with Martyn. Most definitely. A serious talk about boundaries and not making stupid assumptions every single time Phil is seen with any sort of a human being. Yeah. A _serious_ talk. He'll do it right now, pull him into a different room and have it out with him. Yeah.

 

Only he won't, because he finds Dan sitting at the table, and his grumpy mindset flies right out the window.

Obviously, Dan looks great in a white t-shirt with a longer, unbuttoned dark shirt on top of it, but that's not what makes Phil pull to an immediate stop. It's that smile, earnest and unabashed, that stands out to him the most.

Dan is chatting with Martyn and doesn't even notice Phil at first. Once he does, that smile changes direction and Phil is now the sole recipient. He quickly forgets that he was supposed to be mad.

"There you are! Phil, how come Dan made it all the way from downtown faster than you? You live fifteen minutes away, man!" Martyn walks over to him and pats his back. He is quickly distracted by the wine his wife is carrying, though, and doesn't continue to interrogate Phil further.

Alright, so Phil may have left a little later than planned. Picking out the right outfit took a fair amount of time.

He makes his excuses, gives Dan a little nod and goes to greet the other people in the room – all friends of either his brother or Cornelia. Phil knows these people, but he never meets up with them without his brother and his wife.

He then tries to take a seat next to Cornelia, but she directs him to sit next to Dan. The utter delight that he spots on Martyn's face tells him that he's had something to do with that too.

"Hey," Phil greets Dan quietly. He moves his chair to avoid any risk of touching Dan on accident.

"You weren’t kidding. Your brother _really_ thinks we're dating," Dan informs him in a hushed voice instead of saying hi back.

Dread pulls Phil into an icy grip. What on earth has Martyn been saying to Dan? It’s one thing if he talks to Phil, but Dan is a whole different story.

"What did he say?"

"He said it's been ages since he last saw you with someone…"

"Oh my god…" Phil hides his face in his hands. Sure, it _has_ been ages, but Dan doesn't really have to know that. On the other hand, what does it even matter?

"…and that I seem to be a tad out of your league." Dan takes a sip of his wine, visibly pleased with Phil's distress.

"I'm going to kill him," he states loudly, drawing Martyn's attention. His brother smiles brightly and proceeds to completely ignore him.

"I told him I barely know you. Not sure he believes me."

It sounds odd to refer to them as barely knowing each other, but it's true. Phil knows Dan's body, but almost nothing of his soul.

"Barely know me," Phil echoes, "Sounds so nice."

"Well, what do I know about you?" Dan asks quietly, but it's almost more of a statement.

"What will you be drinking?" Cornelia asks, unknowingly interrupting something.

Or was she? Probably not. Dan is right, he _doesn't_ know Phil, but it's definitely not by Phil's choice.

 

-

 

Two hours later they're both five drinks in, and Phil is taking it better than Dan is.

Dan is everything he is not when they are alone – he's chatty, he's laughing, he responds to questions. Phil doesn't take advantage of it, though. If Dan is a puzzle, he'll solve it in his own time. If Dan is nothing important, he'll come to terms with that eventually. Maybe.

Dan and Phil end up arguing over a game of Monopoly, Dan steals Phil's drink and threatens to spit into it, then proceeds to make some sort of a speech about revenge and how it is healthy to follow your instincts. To Phil, it sounds so pretentious that he's holding back laughter, but most of the others are already tipsy enough to find it deep and interesting.

"You kinda sounded fourteen just then, Dan," Phil remarks quietly, eyes on Dan instead of the game.

"No I don't. It's all real, Phil. Revenge? Revenge is _healthy_. Me stealing your drink, that's not revenge, that's just you know, me being funny. But say I spilled it down your shirt, then that's – that's revenge, revenge for you winning at Scrabble earlier, and…" Dan trails off, momentarily distracted by someone pouring him another glass of wine. "Cheers! Yeah, what was I saying?"

"I don't even know." Phil is not the type of drunk that gets chatty the way Dan seems to do. He just has a hard time focusing on anything, and Dan's babble is difficult to properly listen to when he's been busy staring at his lips.

"Jesus, you don't listen to me, do you?" Dan elbows him under the rib. Phil hisses in pain, but luckily, everyone is engrossed in the game or their drinks. "Revenge! Yeah. Revenge because you're always so – so fucking _annoying_ , Phil. Honestly."

Dan should probably stop drinking now and Phil should not take the bait, but alas, he is not a man of steel willpower.

"How am I annoying?"

Dan shoots a glance around the room, surveying the inebriated faces of Martyn, Cornelia and their friends. "I'll tell you. Someday. Not here."

"Phil, you're out!" Martyn shouts happily as he wins the game, then pours himself another drink. "Cheers for me, the only awesome Lester in the room!"

Cornelia pouts at this. She's definitely the only one in the room that is fully sober. Martyn catches himself, gives her a big, sloppy kiss and exclaims, "Of course, my beautiful wife is the best Lester!”

His brother is being a stupid, drunk arse, but Phil can't help the feeling of endearment when Cornelia lights up, wraps both her arms around Martyn and whispers something in his ear.

This kind of happiness, that certainty that comes with complete, mutual trust, is something Phil hadn't really experienced before. Seeing it in his brother never fails to leave him feeling bittersweet.

He downs the last of his wine, knowing that Dan's eyes are on him, but stubbornly averting his gaze.

 

-

 

As the night continues, Phil gradually relaxes. He stops thinking so much. He talks to Dan just as much as he does to others, but he remains hyper aware of his presence next to him.

Dan, to Phil's surprise, makes a really good impression. He endures Martyn's stupid questions, jokes around with Martyn's best friend, and has a rather long conversation with Cornelia. During the entirety of his acquaintance with Dan, Phil hasn't heard half as many words from him as today. Perhaps alcohol makes him more willing to talk. Perhaps a bottle of wine is all it takes.

Or maybe it's Phil that is the problem. That's possible too.

"You're from Sweden? That's amazing," Dan says cheerfully, his speech ever so slightly slurred. "You like ABBA?"

Cornelia laughs at this and Phil does too, because he's heard that question before.

"A bit, yeah. But there's more to Sweden than just ABBA, you know."

"Saunas?" Phil pitches in.

"That's Finland, you idiot," Dan responds before Cornelia. "You should know that stuff, she's your sister-in-law!"

"Sweden, Finland, same thing," Phil jokes.

"Oi, Phil! We're family, but I might hit you if you keep that up!" Cornelia tries to sound stern, but she's far too sweet to be able to pull it off.

"Hit him!" Martyn shouts from across the table. "You have my permission. I don't know what he did, but hit him."

"That's not fair!" Phil whines loudly. "You're teaming up on me!"

He shoots Dan a telling look, but Dan just shrugs.

"Don't look at me, I'm not the one that confused Sweden with Finland. Should have studied geography a bit more, Phil."

"I like this one," Cornelia remarks with a grin, referring to Dan. She doesn't address anyone in particular, but Phil knows she's talking to him. "He can stay."

"I can help you hit him if you like," Dan offers, smiling sweetly, which pleases Cornelia a great deal. She leans over the table to give Dan a high-five; he misses it by an inch or two. He really must have drank a bit too much.

"You're all horrible!" Phil exclaims, pulling his best _betrayed_ face.

Dan smiles at him, a full, wide smile complete with crinkles in his eyes and dimples in his cheeks. "Says you."

"Says _you_."

"I didn't say anything."

Phil kicks Dan underneath the table. "Yeah, but you're horrible, so you may as well have!"

"Oi, lovebirds! It's Phil's turn!" Martyn shouts, clearly amused with his little joke.

" _I_ will hit _you_ soon, Mar," Phil promises once he's done rolling his eyes. Unsurprisingly, Martyn is not the least bit scared.

With a degree of trepidation, Phil risks a look at Dan to see his reaction to Martyn's teasing. He doesn’t seem bothered by it; so much so that he begins to make fun of the idea of Phil hitting anyone, happily joined by Martyn.

Phil doesn't mind it in the least. He can’t even pretend that he does.

 

-

 

When the night begins to wind down and people are starting to leave, Dan lays his hand on Phil's thigh. Nobody can see it, but Phil can definitely _feel_ it. A telling glance later, he knows the meaning of it. The game night may be coming to an end, but his night with Dan doesn't have to.

He doesn't want it to, really. Being with Dan still usually beats being alone.

Unsurprisingly, when Phil decides to say it's time to go, Dan quickly announces he'll be leaving too.

 

"Let's go to mine," he whispers to Dan when nobody's looking, as if it mattered. Martyn will still jump to conclusions, and on one account, he won't be wrong. Phil and Dan are very likely to end up in bed tonight. There'll just be no meaning to it, which is what Martyn seems to be so sure of.

"Alright," Dan responds, then walks over to Martyn and Cornelia. "I've had a lovely night, thanks so much for having me!"

And he's all charm and smiles, and Phil hates him so much, but he also doesn't, and he should, but he can't.

They both say their goodbyes, Phil explaining that they live close and will split an Uber, and begin to head out. Surely no one's figured it out. They're only leaving together for convenience, it makes perfect sense.

"Have fun!" Martyn calls after them, his voice filled with double meaning. Phil doesn't flip him off, but he totally _should_.

 

-

 

Phil fumbles with the keys while Dan laughs at him much too loudly. It's four in the morning, they should really be quiet, but apparently, in Dan's inebriated state, most things are extremely funny.

"Give it here," Dan insists, takes the keys and immediately drops them on the ground as he sways on his feet. "Oh. Oops."

Phil shakes his head, wraps an arm around him to keep him steady, and finally unlocks the door. The moment they're inside, Dan immediately takes charge, somewhat shakily pinning Phil to the wall.

Dan's movements are slightly slower, less deliberate than usual, but he also does not hold back in the least. He looks Phil in the eye for too long – they don't normally do that – and then kisses him without further ado.

"D’you know why you’re annoying?" Dan breathes, his lips still almost right on Phil’s.

"Why?"

"Because I can’t fucking resist you, Phil. I hate it. I can’t -- I just want you all the fucking time."

Phil’s mouth falls open. They hardly ever say things like that; all of their desire is communicated through actions. It’s no wonder that he finds himself at a loss for words.

He doesn’t need to speak, though. Dan is not looking for a response.

Soon they start kissing with something akin to wild abandon, or at least as close as it can get after a few glasses of wine. Clothes come off as they make their way towards the bedroom - a well-known ritual by now. Once they get to bed, Phil is on top with Dan underneath him.

Dan's eyes are shining in the dim light of Phil's bedside lamp. He bites his lip, staring at Phil in a way that leaves no doubt as to what he wants right now. Even so, Phil still decides to ask.

"Are you sure? You're drunk," Phil mumbles, fully prepared to stop.

"Not _that_ drunk. I’m tipsy, ‘s all."

Dan wraps his arms around Phil's neck, making it clear just how much he doesn't want to stop. He then begins to lightly run his fingers across Phil's back, which should surely be taken as a form of caress, but it doesn’t work out. Phil, as if on cue, begins to laugh and squirm.

Dan appears to be taken aback. "What?"

"Stop! I'm ticklish there!" Phil cries, red with embarrassment.

The desire in Dan's eyes quickly gives way to something else. He grins devilishly, pulls Phil closer with his legs, and begins to tickle him on purpose.

"No! No! Stop!" Phil's laughing, and Dan is too, their faces close together the whole time. Phil struggles to escape Dan's grip, but it's no use. He finally resorts to kissing him in order to distract him, fits of laughter interrupting the kiss. Luckily for Phil, it works for a moment long enough to allow him to roll off Dan and lie on his back, safe from Dan Howell's stupid ideas. Dan sits up in bed, facing him with an amused expression.

"You're an idiot," Phil summarises after a pause, during which they both calm down, if only a tad. "And an evil one too! I should've never told you!"

"Seriously? Any given person would have tickled you in that situation, Phil. It's your own fault."

"You suck."

With a mischievous grin, Dan responds, "I could if you like."

Phil blushes, buries his face in the pillow briefly. When he peeks out, Dan is still staring at him.

Phil wants him. Could get on with it right now, actually. But…

 

Maybe it's the alcohol, or maybe it's the two months' worth of trying – and failing – to make sense of all this. Maybe it's last Saturday. Maybe it's today, when he spent the evening watching Dan get on with his friends and family with such ease, listening to his humor, so alike his own. Maybe it's the way Dan looks at him, not only with desire, but also with kindness.

He doesn't sit up, he still lays in bed, head tilted towards Dan. Nerves get the best of him right as he is about to say it, but he still goes through with it.

"Dan?"

"What?"

"Come on, give it a shot. We could pull it off, this whole friends thing."

Dan does not seem surprised. It must have been visible in Phil's eyes.

"Phil, I told you. It's either friends or sex."

"We could try both. What's the worst thing that could happen?" Phil reasons.

"Worst thing is we end up dating and it all goes to hell," Dan says decidedly.

Phil sits up, resting his back against the headboard. "Is that really the worst thing you can imagine? Dating me?"

"In this context, yeah."

Phil tries, and fails, not to take this personally. He can’t figure out what Dan means, but it shouldn’t matter. This rejection is probably not even aimed at Phil himself.

"I should feel offended."

"You shouldn’t. It’s not personal."

"Come on. It's worked for people! We could give it a try. Meet up for – I don't know, games, movies, anything really. We could even _talk_ sometimes. Maybe you'd stop being so uptight about _that_."

"We'd still end up having sex. You know that."

"At least I'd be allowed to speak to you, then," Phil jokes, not losing his enthusiasm.

"You do realise that if we’re friends and we sleep together, that’s basically dating," Dan states.

"No it’s not! It’s totally different."

"How so?"

Phil thinks hard for a moment. In all fairness, none of his relationships involved a deep friendship. He never got to the point where he could say that his partner was also his best friend.

"Well, I mean… there’s more to being in a relationship than just hanging out and sleeping together." Phil looks at Dan, trying to figure out if he needs to continue or not. By the look on Dan’s face, he’s not convinced. "No dates, no anniversaries, flowers, I don’t know what else. It’s just different, I think. Always was for me."

Dan breaks their eye contact and looks down at Phil's crumpled sheets, begins tracing little patterns across his pillow. He is clearly pondering Phil's idea.

"Why are you so bent on being friends with me?" he asks, his voice small.

Phil didn't expect that question and as such, he does not have an answer ready. He tries to come up with something good on the spot, but in the end, he ends up saying the first thing that came to his mind.

"Because I… I like this, this, you know." Phil gestures between them, Dan nods. "But it's not all I want. I want someone to talk to, to hang out with, and I think we'd – I _really_ think we'd make good friends."

"So you'd rather be friends than keep on doing this?" Dan clarifies.

"I didn't say that."

Dan's expression grows intense when he asks Phil the next question. "What if I gave you a choice? What would you choose?"

Phil swallows and blurts out, "I'd still want to give it a try."

Dan sighs, studies the ceiling for a moment, then turns his gaze back to Phil.

Phil expects it, can feel it coming, the rejection – perhaps even the end of this whole thing. Was it worth it? Probably not. He really _did_ prefer this over nothing, and it dawns on him fully now as he waits for Dan to say no.

"I don’t know, Phil. I told you from the beginning --"

"That it doesn’t mean anything, yeah," Phil interjects. "It still won’t. All I’m asking is we hang out sometimes, we could… I don’t know, like I said, games, movies -- there’s lots to do! And I don’t have to literally pretend I don’t know you when we’re at work. I reckon that’d be nice too."

The way Phil looks at Dan is not a good idea - it does nothing to help him preserve the last of his dignity. He knows that he can’t help the plea that must be visible in his eyes.

He knows he wants this. He knows it could be good. He doesn’t get why they can’t at least _try_. It’s not like he’s asking Dan to marry him, for fuck’s sake.

Dan lets out another heavy sigh, eyes cast down, stubbornly staring at the sheets. Phil doesn’t push him, but as the seconds go by, he grows increasingly antsy.

It’s not going to happen. Not with Dan reacting the way he does.

 

Not for the first time, Dan surprises him. His eyes, previously fixed on the bed, are now just as fixed on Phil. His expression and his voice are both serious, but not without a trace of nervousness.

"Just friends. And sex. No dating. Yeah? I don't want to date you. Or anyone, really," Dan whispers, with a strain in his voice and uncertainty in his eyes. "I don’t want to like… I don’t want you to have expectations. We’ll just hang out and that’s all."

There are butterflies in the pit of Phil's stomach, which is weird, because butterflies are associated with infatuation, and they're not in love with each other. They will not be dating. But isn't this a victory of sorts? Could Dan be willing to relent?

"Yeah, no, of course. Friends, just friends."

The moment that follows – Dan's eyes boring into his – seems to last an eternity. He feels nervous, worse than before his first date back when he was a teenager. He scolds himself for the comparison.

After a long pause, Dan speaks up.

"We're gonna have to set some ground rules, Phil."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally something happens! Let me know if you liked this chapter, I was a bit on the fence about this one :) Comments are super appreciated! If you also feel like it, please reblog this on tumblr: [click here](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/177783469995/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-8-courage)
> 
> HUGE thank you to my beta [insectbah](https://insectbah.tumblr.com) for the help with this whole fic and this chapter in particular! You're the best :)


	9. boundaries

_"We're gonna have to set some ground rules, Phil."_

-

 

Phil knows that Dan is watching him as it begins to sink in.

Thoughts are flying through his mind at the speed of light, so fast that he barely gets to register them. He wills himself to calm down, tells himself it's nothing, being friends with someone is not that big a deal, but – but it _is_. It's such a big deal, and he doesn't know what it will bring, but he wants to find out. He can't wait to find out.

In the span of those twenty, thirty seconds, a lot of possible ways to respond come and go. In the end, he settles on the first one that comes to his mind.

"Wait – you mean like, friendship rules?" he asks. He sits cross-legged, facing Dan now. This feels like a rather serious conversation for two guys wearing just their pants, but whatever. It's not like they haven't seen each other like this before.

Dan mirrors his position. Their knees are brushing, but there's no other touching involved. Dan's brows are drawn together, lips slightly pursed. He doesn't appear to be mad, just… unconvinced? Maybe. Phil pretty much expected that.

"Yeah. Friendship _with benefits_ rules."

Dan's tone is so serious that Phil can't help it; laughter escapes his lips, throwing Dan off completely.

"What?" Dan demands. "What?"

"Dan, that's like – this is like every single rom-com I've ever seen, you know that, right?" Phil says in between chuckles, wiping a tear from his eye. It's not really all that funny, but there are far too many emotions coursing through him right now. Laughing brings him a sense of relief, a way to conceal what really hides underneath the surface.

"No it's not!" Dan protests, voice high-pitched and determined. "It's not. It's just to help us keep some boundaries. Which, by the way, we need a lot of. I'm still convinced this isn't gonna work."

Phil mouths a silent _really?,_ at which point the corners of Dan's mouth begin to form a smile, but he's fighting it.

"We'll fuck it up and hate each other, I think," Dan continues.

"You're such an optimist, Dan," Phil says, forcing a nonchalant tone. He often thought that he hated Dan just as much as he wanted him, so this could hardly get a lot worse. However, the idea, once planted, definitely sticks. "Fine, we can have rules if you want."

Dan makes a show of sighing heavily, then bites on his lip and says absently, "Okay, rule one…" He trails off, as if in deep in thought. He then looks at Phil, immediately noticing his changed expression, and shouts, "Don't say it!"

"Rule one: don't fall in love," Phil declares. "We can't break the script, Dan. This is like a new edition of that Ashton Kutcher film!"

Dan punches his arm lightly. He tries to appear done with it all, but it's very easy to see through.

"How many romantic films do you even watch? Seriously, Phil. And don't say it's your mum."

"Not many," he lies, then to change the subject, he continues. "Rule two?"

"No kissing and shit like that," Dan states, "Aside from sex, I mean."

"Obviously not," Phil agrees, his voice a tad more quiet than before.

"Rule three?"

 _Fuck the rules,_ Phil wants to say. _I want to kiss you whenever._

"No sex if I lose at Mario Kart," he blurts out instead.

"Okay, so we're never playing Mario Kart again, got it."

Phil hits Dan this time. "I only lost because you cheated!"

"'course you did, Phil." Dan's got a smile that lights up the entire room, and Phil begins to wonder whether he really managed to convince him to be on board with the whole _friends_ thing, or Dan is just a good liar.

"Rule four?" Phil asks.

"We don't tell anyone about this. Like, we're coworkers. Kinda-friends at most. Nothing else."

"You really think I go around telling everyone I'm sleeping with you?"

"Well, I don't know what you get up to in your spare time," Dan says lightly.

"Not a lot," Phil admits.

For a moment, they are silent.

Dan speaks up first. "Rule five?"

"How many rules do we need to have?" Phil shoots back.

"As many as it takes for this thing not to blow up in our fucking faces," Dan replies. "I'm determined. I don't want to –"

"Date me, yeah, yeah," Phil interjects. He begins to wonder whether _he_ is the problem, or Dan is. "Rule five. You stop saying you don't want to date me. I get it, I don't want to date you either. It'd ruin my life!"

There's amusement in his tone that Dan picks up on.

"Rule six, I get to say whatever the fuck I want."

"Rule seven, you stop saying _fuck_."

"That goes against rule six, Phil. You're already breaking the rules."

Phil lights up, struck by an idea. "Oh, I haven't thought of that. What if we _break_ the rules?"

Dan looks at him as though he is being daft.

"We _don't_. That's the whole point."

"Well, yeah, but it could happen. You'll probably break rule five within ten minutes," Phil says. Dan makes a sort of _hmm_ noise in agreement.

"I guess it depends on the rule," Dan says after a moment of consideration. "Let's finish the rules first."

"Rule seven…"

"Rule eight, you spork," Dan corrects him.

Phil shakes his head at him, remaining silent as he tries to think of something fun to say. The whole concept of rules seems pretty useless to him, so he's not going to help Dan make a lengthy list.

But then… He thinks of something he hadn't actually considered before, and it makes him sober up quite quickly.

"What if you meet someone?" he asks quietly, watching as a frown works its' way back on Dan's face.

"Meet someone?" Dan echoes, confused.

"A girlfriend, boyfriend, a – a _datefriend_."

"That's not going to happen," Dan dismisses immediately.

"It could. You could fall for someone. You never know, Dan."

Dan sighs and looks away. Phil mentally scolds himself for spoiling the fun with such a question.

"It won't. But, anyway, if it's meant to be a rule then I guess – I guess it's, we can date anyone except each other?"

Yeah, Dan is _still_ annoying. That much is certain. Phil has heard this too many times to really feel hurt, though. He just doesn't want to hear it anymore right now.

"Rule five! You just suggested you don't want to date me!"

"Well, I _don't_ –"

Dan doesn't get to finish, because Phil tackles him, making him fall back onto the bed. There are giggles as they try to fit into this position; Phil gets hit in the knee, Dan in the ribs, but eventually, it ends with Phil on top of Dan, their faces inches apart.

"So what happens if we break the rules?" Phil whispers, eyes locked on Dan's.

Mirth quickly fades into something that runs far deeper, but neither wants to acknowledge it.

"Rule nine," Dan says after a pause. " _Don't_ break the rules."

"Wow, _that's_ your solution?" Phil mocks him. Dan smiles, unoffended.

"For now."

"You're a genius, Dan."

"Obviously."

After a prolonged moment of uninterrupted eye contact, they begin kissing lazily. Phil is not sure which one of them initiates it, but suddenly, he's tasting Dan's lips – a mixture of alcohol, sweetness and something unique to Dan. It feels familiar by now, but also, in some small way, completely brand new.

As Phil settles into what they are doing now, Dan breaks the kiss and speaks.

"Rule ten. No expectations."

Their lips meet again, again, again. Phil hums into the kiss.

"Rule eleven. You never tickle me again."

Dan giggles as Phil keeps on peppering kisses across his skin.

"Rule twelve. Your rules suck and I don't care," Dan says quickly, before Phil's lips cover his again.

"Rule thirteen, I hate you." It's meant to sound like a joke, but it comes out far too soft.

"Rule fourteen…" Dan trails off, brown eyes focused on Phil's. "…we'll finish these later."

Phil smiles, grateful for the opportunity to briefly close his eyes when Dan kisses him.

 

Gradually, they pick up pace, and whatever odd sensation was there is quickly replaced with lust as they put the conversation aside. Impatient hands begin to roam. Phil decidedly moves away from Dan's lips and begins kissing his way down his body, admiring every inch of it. He may not be in love with the guy, but he can't deny being impossibly attracted to him.

Phil turns off his brain. With Dan, he always works best on instinct.

 

-

 

Phil is exhausted, spent, still slightly tipsy, definitely drunk on the events of the night. He's falling asleep. Dan is staying without as much as a word said between them. It's just more convenient that way.

He lies on his side, facing Dan, a fair distance away from him. Dan is lying flat on his back, his breathing slowly settling into a steady rhythm.

What a day it has been. Phil's tired mind can't even begin to process it right now. Through half-closed eyes, he watches Dan's sleeping, serene form until he too drifts to sleep.

 

-

 

Phil steps out of the shower, grabs all three of his towels and wanders into the kitchen for a cup of coffee.

When he woke up, Dan was still asleep. Phil chose not to wake him, but he wasn't particularly trying to be quiet either. It was already past noon. Now, he's had his shower, he's having his coffee, and he's simultaneously dreading and looking forward to seeing Dan.

They're meant to be giving _friends_ a shot, but despite all the stupid rules they made up, Phil still has no idea what their friendship is meant to entail.

 

After over half an hour of being sat in the kitchen, drying off and playing a game on his phone, he hears that Dan has woken up. Minutes later he appears, wearing just his pants, his hair a wonderfully disheveled mess.

"Morning," Phil greets him, voice cheerful, if only to cover for the slight awkwardness.

Dan freezes, staring at him with tired eyes, somewhat perplexed.

" _Three_ towels? Seriously, Phil?"

He then walks up to the counter and helps himself to a cup of coffee.

"I get cold," Phil explains.

"It's the middle of summer!" Dan argues, sitting across from Phil.

"Don't towel shame me, Howell."

"Fuck you, Lester."

They both have grins on their faces, although Dan's is downplayed. Phil noticed that he often does that: pretends not to be smiling when his whole face is so apparently all lit up.

Maybe it won't be so weird. Maybe it won't be so bad.

 

Phil has never had a friends with benefits type of relationship before, but then again, he's never had a less-than-friend-with-benefits thing either. This could surely only be an improvement. He feels giddy at the prospect of finally getting to know Dan better, so he doesn't think twice before suggesting something.

"Do you want to, um, hang out? Today?" Phil knows his voice sounds a little nervous, but he can't really help it. Dan is anything but predictable.

"Hang out?" Dan repeats.

Phil eyes him skeptically. "You do remember last night, right?"

"Oh, yeah, I just thought you meant sex."

"We could do both," Phil offers, because in all fairness, he'd hate to miss out on either.

"I can't today." Just as Phil begins to think that's all he will get to hear, Dan adds, "I've got to meet my parents. They're in London for the weekend."

This is the first mention of Dan's family, and however insignificant, it piques Phil's curiosity. It's only natural, he's a rather curious person. A bit of a gossip, really. That's all there is to it.

"You've never mentioned them before," Phil says in what he thinks is a sneaky manner.

Dan stares him down, again like he's an idiot.

"No, Phil, I don't normally talk about my parents when I'm being fucked by a coworker, or by anyone really," Dan says slowly, clearly taking pleasure in torturing Phil.

Phil flushes and briefly hides his face in his hands. When he peeks out, Dan is staring at him with a smirk.

"Stop using that word!" Phil cries.

"What word? Fucking?"

" _Dan_!"

"What are you, a school girl?"

"I'm just a polite person!"

"I've heard you curse before," Dan comments offhandedly. It only causes Phil to blush even more.

He often lets go when he's about to –

"That doesn't count," Phil says quickly, then gets up and opens the fridge. "You want some cereal?"

"Expert subject change, Phil. And yeah, please."

  

Soon, they're eating, falling into some sort of a conversation. It's stupid, but Phil is a bit out of his element. He and Dan had assigned roles, and now he's gone and twisted it all around. It seems like Dan has an easier time adjusting to the change, because he is teasing Phil relentlessly. Phil tries to keep up and not let him off too easy.

Once they've eaten, Dan goes to shower and Phil lends him a clean shirt. The whole process of finding one that Dan might be willing to wear is a tad time consuming, because apparently, Phil's whole wardrobe is too bright. Dan finally settles on a black striped jumper – a garment completely unfitting for the current weather.

After Dan gets dressed, they both sort of linger, the awkwardness making another appearance. Phil eventually walks Dan to the door.

"I'll see you at work?" Dan says, voice quieter than usual.

"Can I actually talk to you during lunch now?" Phil asks, not about to miss any chances.

Dan offers him a tired grin. "That will count as us _hanging out_. The rest of the week is for sex."

"We only get to hang out once per week? That's not fair!" Phil protests. One of his neighbours is currently climbing the stairs and sends an unpleasant look in his direction.

"I guess we'll… figure it out, sometime," Dan mumbles, as if to himself. "Fine, you can come watch me eat. Tomorrow at two."

"Deal!"

As always, whenever they part, the urge to give Dan a kiss grows. He's not sure where it comes from. Probably wanting to stop him so they can have another round.

Phil doesn't follow that urge.

"Bye then, Phil," Dan says as he steps out.

"See you tomorrow!"

 

Phil watches Dan make his way downstairs. Dan doesn't look up to meet his eyes.

 

-

 

Phil goes about his day as normal. He calls Mum, he calls Martyn, he has a one-way phone conversation with his nieces, which makes one of them cry and the other one gurgle and coo happily. Once Martyn takes the phone back, he makes sure to tell Phil how great Dan is and ask if they've made it official yet.

Phil brushes him off, too content to be annoyed today.

He did it. It's a success, isn't it? He'll be friends with Dan, whatever that means. Despite all the rules, the boundaries feel quite hazy right now. In all fairness, most of the rules are meaningless thanks to Phil himself.

Most, but not all.

He also can't help but wonder if perhaps Dan only agreed to be friends to get him out of his hair, and they'll still only meet up for the obvious purpose. Only time can really show.

 

He doesn't text Dan that night, and Dan doesn't text him, but perhaps that's alright. They're meant to meet up tomorrow.

 

-

 

Phil is already at the table at quarter to two, looking around the cafeteria nervously. Dan had promised to meet him, but Phil still doesn't consider Dan the most virtuous, trustworthy person in the world.

When Dan shows up at five past two, Phil schools himself for being so doubtful.

It's easy to tell that Dan's initial instincts tell him to ignore Phil, because he walks a few steps past him. He then catches himself, though, and with a theatrical sigh, he sits down across from Phil, greeting him quietly.

The first few questions feel uncomfortable. How are you, how did it go with the parents, did you sleep well. Dan answers and asks back, but doesn't come up with things to talk about on his own.

Again, Phil wonders what he can expect from this redefined relationship with Dan.

"Why do you normally sit by yourself?" Phil eventually asks, breaking the silence before it gets too awkward.

Dan points to his phone. "I like to watch something when I'm eating. Keeps me distracted."

 _Distracted_. There's a word Phil has used a lot in the past weeks.

"What have you been watching?"

"Black Mirror, obvs," Dan replies.

"Black Mirror is amazing!" Phil exclaims. "I haven't gotten started on the new season yet."

If he hopes that Dan might suggest they watch it together, he doesn’t admit to it.

"Too busy watching The Notebook and No Strings Attached?" Dan mocks him instead.

"That was my mum!"

"Sure it was."

"You're so mean to me, Dan," Phil whines, stuffing his face with what's left of his – already cold - lunch.

"You're the one that wanted to be friends. I told you I'm a pretty shit friend," Dan explains, seemingly unmoved. Phil does catch a hint of _something_ in his eyes though, and he hangs on to it.

"Why are you such a shit friend, then?" Phil inquires, knowing he'll likely not receive an answer.

"Aren't I?"

"I don't know, Dan. We only just agreed to try and be friends."

Dan gives him a look that Phil can't quite decipher.

"What's it like being your friend, then?" Dan asks, and it's such a strange question, but Phil takes it in stride.

"I think it's pretty great! My friends never have to see me, most of them are back in Manchester. I'm the perfect friend for an introvert," he jokes. He breaks eye contact just in case Dan can see through the cracks in the joke.

Because yeah, that's adulthood. Everyone builds their own lives and old friendships drift and fade. If he hadn't been working his arse off for the past six years, he may have made some good friends here, in London. As it is now, he has friends, but none quite as close as those back home.

Dan ponders his words for a moment. "I'm an introvert. Like a huge introvert."

Phil's only slightly surprised by this. "Is that a hint that I should bugger off?"

"Nah. The sex is too good," Dan retorts with a self-satisfied grin.

Phil looks around to make sure no one's heard him. Only then does he respond.

"Probably the nicest thing you've ever said to me."

"You're welcome."

 

They part ways after a lunch that takes them over an hour. Phil gets yelled at later, but he cares slightly less today.

 

-

 

They go home together after work, this time to Dan's. Dan spends half the way there insisting that it's not for the _friends_ stuff, it's for the _benefits_. He's not wrong.

Phil wonders how long it will take for this kind of passion to wear off. As it is, it has only gotten worse over the past two months.

 

It's quick, because their entire commute was spent on verbal foreplay, but they go again not long after. By the end of it, Phil's head is pleasantly empty and he just wants to go to sleep. He does, however, feel Dan staring at him, and that forces him to keep his eyes open.

"You want me to leave?" Phil asks, because what else could Dan want?

"You wanna watch some Black Mirror?"

Phil doesn't move, but his heart begins to race. It jolts him awake.

Maybe Dan really _did_ mean it. Maybe he'll really give it a try.

With an honest smile, he nods. Dan beams at him, gets out of bed, grabs his pants, and starts walking towards the lounge, still naked.

"Put your pants on, I don't want any naked butts on my sofa!" Dan calls.

Phil hears him turn on the telly. He gets up, stretches and does as he's told, then joins Dan in the lounge.

 

He doesn't sit as far away as he did before, but they don't touch. Rule number… _something_.

As Dan is rambling about the episode, making it entirely impossible for Phil to hear the dialogue properly, he tunes out for a moment, thinking back to the rules they have agreed on. No kissing, no expectations, they're free to date whomever, whenever. Phil is no expert, but it does sound like a reasonable list. Dan may have more experience in the matter than he does.

Will all these rules be easy to follow? Phil knows that developing feelings for each other won't happen, but he does want to kiss Dan just because it feels good. He does want to have some expectations in regards to their friendship, eventually. He really thinks that they _could_ make good friends.

He doesn't think he'd be able to date someone while he's still doing this with Dan. If either of them meets another person, that's it, it's pretty much over.

This whole arrangement is kind of set to end at some point, he realizes. There's a finite amount of time that this will continue to work out for. Dan will meet someone one day, and he'll drop his _I don't date_ act, and that's that.

Can they at least stay friends? It's too early to say. They should be able to, right? Isn't that how it works?

Phil knows he's thinking too far ahead. He had spent so much time thinking about Dan and this whole situation that in his mind, they're already better friends than they are in reality. It's weird, a bit creepy, a bit pathetic. He shakes his head slightly, if only to dispose of those thoughts.

 

Phil hadn't noticed right away, but Dan is not looking at the screen, he's looking at him. Once Phil does finally return his gaze, Dan pauses the episode.

"You don't want to watch this?" Dan asks him, tilting his head towards the television.

"I do!" Phil immediately protests. "Sorry, just got a bit lost in thought."

Dan wordlessly rewinds the episode until the very beginning, but he doesn't play it just yet.

"What are you thinking about?"

 _You_ , Phil wants to say, but ultimately doesn't.

"Work," he lies.

Dan doesn't seem to believe him, but chooses to play along. "Stop being boring, Phil. Work's over for today, thank fuck." With that, Dan hands him the bag of crisps he'd been hogging up until now, and Phil gratefully accepts it, a plan forming in his head.

"I'm not boring!" Phil argues. He eats a mouthful of crisps, and what's left in his hand, he unceremoniously throws at Dan's face.

Dan stares at him for an extended period of time, clearly struggling to appear mad. He then begins to pick up the scattered crisps from the sofa, scoots over, and proceeds to try and force feed them to Phil.

"Dan, stop!"

"C'mon, Phil, you wasted them, you eat them! I ain't eating no sofa crisps!" Dan shouts, ignoring Phil's loud protests.

Phil ends up backed into the corner of the couch, with Dan hovering above him. There are crisps everywhere, and they're both laughing while Phil tries to dodge Dan's attempts to feed him. In the end, they're both unsuccessful – Phil does end up with some crisps in his mouth, and Dan ends up with a sofa and a rug full of the stuff.

Once their giggles die down, they both fully realize the position they've found themselves in. The habits they have already developed over the past months begin to kick in, and as if on cue, Dan closes his eyes and locks his lips with Phil's. Beginning with soft, quick little kisses, they then start to make out lazily, tasting each other without a hurry.

It feels great, but it doesn't lead anywhere. They kiss again and again, Phil's fingers tangled in Dan's hair, until Dan suddenly puts an end to it.

"Wait, hold on," he pants, breaking apart from Phil. "Rule two!"

"Rule two?" Phil repeats, confused and flustered.

"No kissing." Dan moves off Phil, sits on the other end of the sofa. "Sorry."

"No kissing aside from when it leads to something," Phil reminds him. He didn't really want to stop. No, he didn't at all.

"Yeah, but – but, I mean, we're watching this, aren't we?" Dan points at the long-forgotten telly. Phil gets the hint.

"Right, yeah, 'course."

 

Dan starts the episode, and they sit in silence amongst a ton of scattered crisps. That is, until something interesting happens; it gets them talking, and they move past the broken rule. They start arguing about the meaning of the scene they're watching, and smiles work their way back onto their faces.

 

It's all a bit up and down with Dan, but Phil can't deny he's enjoying himself. He stays until three in the morning, at which point he calls an Uber and starts to head home. Work tomorrow. He’ll be tired.

He steps out the door, they do their usual pleasantries of _I'll see you tomorrow,_ then there's that moment of uncertainty where they both seem unsure of what to do next. It's pretty standard by now.

Only this time, when Phil turns around and starts making his way down the stairs, Dan calls after him.

"Phil?"

Phil stops, turns back to face him. It's too dark for him to see Dan well from a few steps away.

"Yeah?"

"I think… I want to add one more rule."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you all for reading this :) Please let me know your thoughts on this chapter and [reblog this on tumblr](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/177907269630/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-9-boundaries) if you feel like it!
> 
> As always, MAJOR thank you to my wonderful beta [insectbah](https://insectbah.tumblr.com), your help is priceless! <3  
> Lastly - [templeofshame](https://templeofshame.tumblr.com) made a fantastic playlist for this fic! [Check it out, it fits so well!](https://open.spotify.com/user/37b3r8jw21uwbv7ly06uhtjpe/playlist/1RKLXXRMf23KApsjRznVYW?si=_1jXTretTc-zbqq8OutAwg) Thanks so much!!


	10. control

_Two days later_

 

"Are you here on purpose?"

Phil looks up from his plate, already smiling. In the back of his head, he knows he should keep it cool, but Dan actually approaching him is still very new.

"Yes, Dan. On the purpose of eating lunch."

Dan shakes his head at him, sits down, and shoves Phil's tray away to make room for his own. Phil tries to conceal his surprise at Dan choosing to sit with him on his own accord.

They haven't seen each other since Monday night. Phil had been stuck in the office all day long. He hadn't even been eating lunch, instead choosing to snack on Haribo at his desk.

Today, him being down in the cafeteria at the same time as Dan is of course not quite as coincidental as it should be, but… Well. He _was_ hungry.

 

"What? You're always whining about me ignoring you," Dan says easily, then takes a sip of his Ribena.

"I was, back when you wouldn't even say hi to me," Phil agrees. "I don't expect you to sit with me every time."

Dan looks up from his plate with a frown. "You want me to leave?"

"No!" Phil protests hastily. "No, 'course not. It's just, you said you prefer to sit by yourself! I don't want to spoil your lunch."

"Well, since you're here," Dan says casually, "I might as well."

Phil brightens visibly. "Is this you trying to be friends with me?"

"No, this is me being your mortal enemy," Dan retorts with a smirk. "Yes, Phil. I am trying to comply and be your friend. I have no choice, if that is what it takes for me to keep getting laid."

Phil knows that Dan is saying it all in jest, but he's got just enough insecurity about their whole arrangement that his smile falls momentarily. He gathers his bearings and forces it to return mere seconds later, but Dan has already noticed. His expression changes into something resembling worry.

"Sorry. You know I was kidding, right?" Phil nods, but Dan continues. "Not that—I mean, it being a joke doesn't, um, doesn't mean it was alright…"

"It's fine, Dan. I mean, it _was_ my idea, you were clear with—"

"I always say the wrong thing and fuck things up," Dan interrupts him. "Sorry, really. I mean—yeah, I wasn't planning on, y'know, actually like… _talking_ to you, but it's not like I'm… I don't know, forcing myself… Fuck, I'm not making sense." Frustrated, Dan's gaze drops down to his food. He absently digs through it with his fork without actually eating any of it.

Phil could make him suffer longer, but he's not the type of person to do that. If they weren't in public, he'd do something stupid, such as reach out and place his hand over Dan's. It's a good thing they're in the cafeteria. They've got rules to follow, after all.

His mood sours again upon remembering _all_ the rules, but he pushes that aside.

"Dan, it's fine, really. I mean…" He pauses. Dan looks up and meets his eyes the moment Phil allows it.

"You mean?" Dan prompts.

Phil's plan is to say something along the lines of _it's really nothing_ , but what comes out is something entirely different.

"If you don't want to give it a shot, it's alright," Phil says quietly. "We were both drunk when we agreed to it—"

"Yeah, but we hung out since then," Dan reminds him with a hint of urgency in his tone.

"Yeah, once."

"Twice. We had lunch together too."

"Okay, twice. My point is, I don't want to force you. I never said it's—I never said you have to, you know, _talk_ to me for us to… keep doing what we were doing." Not for the first time, Phil looks around to make sure nobody else is listening to their conversation.

Dan frowns and chews on his bottom lip for a split second. This is not exactly the kind of lunch Phil imagines Dan wants to have. He doesn't know why he's making things so serious. In truth, they still barely know each other. Phil is being overdramatic.

"Look, Phil," Dan stammers after a pause, "I wouldn't have said yes if I wasn't willing to give it a try. I just don't think it'll work, but… but we can try, yeah?"

Phil studies him, takes in the almost pained expression, the strain in his voice.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why won't it work?"

Dan sighs heavily and rubs the back of his neck for a second. "I don't think it ever does. You're gonna hate me eventually, I promise."

Phil doesn't know why he breaks out into a warm smile. Maybe it's the way Dan is so clearly struggling to say the right things. Maybe it's that Dan immediately noticed he previously said the _wrong_ thing, without Phil ever bringing it up.

Maybe it's because it's clear as day that beneath the exterior lies something that Dan doesn't want to talk about.

"Is that a challenge?" Phil asks; Dan shoots him a surprised look. "I hated you more when you were ignoring me, Dan. I mean it, I think we have a chance to be good friends."

Dan shakes his head at Phil, but there's a bit of a grin sprouting on his face.

"I guess we'll see." There's a pause, during which Phil begins to eat, if only to stop staring at Dan. "I'm sorry, Phil, I really didn't mean to make it sound like that."

"It's alright," Phil repeats for what feels like the hundredth time. "It's a compliment. You just can't resist me!"

Dan snorts inelegantly, relieved. Phil smiles at him in return. If they're meant to be friends, Phil _has_ to figure out a way for it to not be so bleeping awkward.

It was fine the last time they hung out, but not right away. Maybe it's just something they have to get used to.

They each begin eating. Phil's food has already gone cold; he supposes Dan's is getting there too.

Dan doesn't say anything. Phil would have to be stupid not to assume that their conversation was the cause of Dan going quiet.

He doesn't like it. If being friends while maintaining their physical relationship is a challenge, then Phil had accepted it the moment he proposed they try it.

What could go wrong? If they're both so set on not falling for each other, there's no way that could ever happen. What else could go wrong? As he thought, it will end one day, but hopefully they will have built a solid friendship by then.

He's thinking too far ahead again. He needs to stop. Dan is looking at him, having noticed that he stopped eating.

"You want some of mine?" Dan offers, incorrectly assuming that Phil's not eating because it's not tasty. Which it isn't, but that's beside the point.

Phil shakes his head. He drops his gaze down to the table, looking at Dan's phone.

His mum always used to say that compromise is the key to any relationship. If talking is not working out today, then…

"Do you have Netflix on that?" he asks, catching Dan off-guard.

"Yeah?"

With a grin, he suggests, "Black Mirror? One earbud each?"

If Phil's heart does a little flip at seeing the surprised smile on Dan's face, well, it's not that odd. The guy is immensely attractive, of course he looks even better when he's smiling.

"Sure, yeah, that'd be cool."

"I'm taking the right earbud. That's my superior ear!"

Dan laughs, then stands up and moves so that he and Phil are now sitting next to each other. He hands Phil the earbud he demanded, and starts up the show.

 

Forty minutes later, Phil still hasn't eaten his lunch, but he can't bring himself to regret it. They have been talking throughout. They're sat very close, shoulders brushing, and although it's a little hard to focus with Dan so close, Phil is not going to sabotage this moment in any way.

When the episode ends, Dan clears his throat and turns to face Phil.

"Thanks, and I'm sorry," he whispers in earnest. Phil bumps his knee into Dan's with a smirk.

"Quit apologizing! This is not normal for me, Dan. I'm usually the one that says sorry a million times." After a pause, he adds, "And _then_ says sorry for saying sorry too much."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?"

Phil silently admires the dimples in Dan's cheeks. It feels like they made some progress, but it's probably just Phil being a weirdo again. Eventually, he decides to suggest something.

"Let's have like, a proper hang out. No… you know." Phil looks up to the ceiling, as if lost in thought, then back at Dan. "Okay, maybe _some_. But hang out first!"

Dan ponders his idea while Phil tries not to appear too fussed about the response.

"What do you want to do?" Dan finally asks.

"Get to know you," he blurts out without thinking. Dan raises his brows while heat creeps up the back of Phil's neck.

Dan's eyes flit to the side, averting Phil's gaze. He mumbles, "Jeez, you don't want much, do you?"

Phil's initial instinct is to withdraw, but then he notes that Dan is not being serious. He waits him out, saying nothing.

"Fine," Dan says at last, voice overly casual. "Friday night?"

Like it or not, Phil is taken aback by this. Friday is the day after tomorrow. "Yeah—I mean, yeah, sounds good to me!"

They both look away around the same time. Phil doesn't get why all this has to be so difficult; it never was with his other friends. Then again, he never had to suggest friendship to anyone. It just happened naturally.

 

They part their ways in the lift. Phil's colleagues all look at him weirdly, but they had covered for him when Viv came around.

He'll have to bring them some cake. Aside from Dan, they're the only good thing about this failure of a job.

 

-

 

They discuss the details of Friday over text messages, agreeing to just meet up at Phil's and see what they feel like doing.

Phil doesn't know about Dan, but he knows what they _usually_ feel like doing, and making plans like that feels risky. He does want Dan, more than he should, but they agreed to do something else this one time.

 

As he's waiting for Dan to arrive, he decides he's going to try and stick to the plan. Just two friends, hanging out. No sex. He pictures those two words written out on a piece of paper, and mentally adds five exclamation marks after them.

To further stick to his plan, Phil makes no effort to look even half-decent. He opts to wear some old t-shirt and baggy sweatpants. In terms of food, he hopes that they'll order so much Domino's that they will be unable to move, let alone do anything that requires taking their clothes off.

 

Of course, Phil's plan starts to crumble the moment Dan arrives, in his stupid fucking tight shirt and ripped jeans, a bottle of rosé in his hand. Phil is not sure what this is all supposed to mean; in the end, he decides it must be a peace offering of sorts. Maybe Dan is still feeling guilty about that one comment from two days ago.

He doesn't have to. Phil doesn't hold grudges.

Dan stands in the doorway, a shy grin on his face, holding out the wine.

"Hey Phil." Dan gives him a once over, taking note of the way he is dressed. "You didn't say it was a pyjama party we were having?"

Phil flushes slightly, but covers it up with laughter. "Sorry, I—I haven't had time to change."

Dan steps inside, shuts the door, hands Phil the rosé.

"I don't mind."

Their eyes meet, and as if on instinct, Phil's thoughts immediately jump in the direction they always do. He can already see himself kissing Dan's lips, exploring their softness, slipping his tongue inside his mouth—

Phil turns away and moves towards the kitchen, motioning for Dan to follow him. As he is looking for wine glasses and only finds coffee mugs, Dan comes after him and peeks over his shoulder.

"You have a Hello Kitty mug? _Seriously_?" Dan takes the mug out of the cupboard and examines it with amusement. "Fuck glasses, I wanna drink from this! Ooh, and this one's for you!"

Dan hands him the One Direction mug that he got from his brother a few years ago. Phil shoots him an unamused look, but ultimately takes it and pours them both some wine.

"I've got crisps," Phil announces, taking two whole bags.

"Are you going to eat them this time?"

Obviously, Phil instantly remembers Monday night, crisps, and the snogging that followed. It's almost as if he is the one making his own plan harder, and they've only just gotten started. He needs to shift the focus on something else.

"Actually, I have an idea!"

 

-

 

"Let me get this straight: you want to ask me questions, and then guess the answers, and if you're right you get to eat some crisps? And what do _I_ do?"

"You tell me if I'm right or wrong!"

They're sitting on the sofa, facing each other. They've already finished their first drinks.

Dan rolls his eyes at Phil, opens up a bag of crisps and grabs a mouthful. Phil stares at him in disapproval.

"We're adults, Phil. You don't need a bloody excuse to eat some crisps."

 _But I do need an excuse to get to know you_ , Phil thinks. He snatches the bag from Dan.

"It's more fun this way! If I'm wrong, _you_ get to eat some!"

"What if I don't want to answer?" Phil's smile widens upon hearing the question. It takes Dan two seconds to understand his meaning. "Right. _You_ get some."

"I'll be keeping score!" Phil grabs his phone and opens up the notes app.

"What for?"

"Well, there has to be a winner," Phil states matter-of-factly.

Dan scoots over a little closer. "What does the winner get?"

The way his voice suddenly dips into something just a tad louder than a whisper leaves little room for imagination. Phil swallows thickly and plays oblivious.

"I've got a bag of marshmallows in the cupboard," he replies. Dan stares at him blankly, then sighs.

"You're a proper weirdo sometimes, Phil."

"Oi! I'm deducting points from you for insulting the judge!" Phil exclaims with mock-indignation. "There! You've got _minus_ five points now."

"Oh god. Fine, just get on with it already. I'm hungry." Dan's voice is whiny now, and Phil can't help but grin at the sound of it.

The game itself is not a bad idea. Phil only wishes he had thought of some questions beforehand. After a little struggle, he comes up with the first one.

"Where are you from?" As Dan goes to respond, Phil screams at him, "No! I'm supposed to guess!"

"Jesus, chill, you proper scared me just then," Dan whines. The way he pouts a little is making Phil's thoughts stray again, to the point that he just throws a wild guess in response.

"I think you're froooom… Newcastle!"

Dan bursts into laughter. "Are you actually kidding me? Do I sound Geordie to you? No! I'm from Reading, you spork."

"Oh, right. I got confused," Phil mumbles and gives Dan a point, then hands him the bag of crisps. Dan eats some with a smug expression, amusement twinkling in his eyes.

"Confused? Really, Phil?"

"Second question!" Phil announces, ignoring Dan's jabs. "Do you have any siblings? I think you don't. You seem well spoiled."

Dan snatches the phone away from Phil and gives himself a point. "I'm not spoiled! I have a younger brother. You suck at this game, Lester."

Phil purses his lips and tries to think of something he would already know the answer to. However, the questions he really wants to explore are questions he knows he won't be asking.

"Do you have children?" Dan's shock makes Phil laugh and tells him the correct response, so triumphantly, he states, "You don't!"

"Thank fuck I don't. Eat the crisps, just don't choke on them."

Phil does just that, and adds a point to his score.

"Do you _want_ children?" Dan looks at him weirdly, and Phil knows it's a stupid question to ask, but it felt like such a good follow-up to the previous one. "I think you do! Someday?"

With a theatrical sigh, Dan replies, "I dunno. Maybe when I'm less of a mess. Go on, you can have that."

 

For the next few minutes, they go through Phil's questions rather quickly. He tries all the basics such as favourite game, movie, food, colour and all that. The score is tilting in Dan's favour, and the more rosé they drink, the worse Phil is doing at the game.

Dan's warmth, closeness and easy manners, something so unusual around Phil, are enough to make Phil's head swim with all sorts of daft questions. Ones he knows Dan wouldn't answer.

He doesn’t know why he tries.

"Biggest dream? Um… Winning the lottery?"

Dan seems to ponder it for a bit. "I don't really know. I don't think about things like that."

"Things like what? Dreams?"

"Yeah. What's the point? I've got enough to deal with now, don't need to think of the future," Dan says quietly, and Phil knows he's found a sore spot.

"I've got lots of dreams," Phil admits, "Wouldn't mind winning the lottery! I'd quit my job the same day."

"What other dreams, then?" Dan asks, much to Phil's surprise.

What other dreams? Saying any of them out loud will make him seem like a loser. Having a best friend again? What sort of a dream is that? Having a job that means something? An outlet for his creativity? Someone to come home to?

"A rollercoaster instead of stairs," he blurts out after the wait becomes too long.

Dan chuckles and rubs his forehead tiredly. Phil doesn't know if he's seen through him, but he does pour them the last of the wine.

"You could have that if you won the lottery," Dan muses, downing the entire mug in one go. Phil follows, if only to get some more courage.

"I need to start buying tickets," Phil agrees quietly.

They sit in silence for a moment, looking at one another. Phil doesn't think long enough before asking the next question.

"Why don't you want to date anyone?" Dan's mouth falls slightly open, a warning of sorts written across his face. "I don't know. Are you—scared?"

For a moment, it looks as though Dan is pondering what Phil just said. He looks affected by it, and immediately, Phil wishes he could take it all back. At last, Dan's expression changes into something less open, something colder.

He scoffs. "I'm not _scared_. Just don't want to date. I'm 24, I don't want to like, get married and shit. Not _now_."

Phil can't help but feel a pang of disappointment. Wordlessly, he hands Dan the crisps.

"Is it just me, then?"

Dan takes a deep breath. The look in his eyes grows softer.

"No, I told you. It's not you."

After a prolonged moment of eye contact, Phil is the one that breaks first. "Sorry," he mumbles, and tries to come up with something fun to ask Dan. He should know better, really. He should be keeping it fun and light instead of really trying to make sense of Dan.

"Phil?"

Phil looks up, finds Dan staring right at him. There's an intensity in his eyes. A shiver runs down Phil's spine when their eyes meet.

"It's my turn to ask questions," Dan whispers, scooting over closer, never once breaking eye contact.

Once they're close enough to touch, Phil freezes, unsure of what Dan is trying to do. It becomes clear when Dan begins to lean in, his face inches away from Phil's.

Phil's lost this battle. He doesn't want to resist. Can't even imagine it.

Maybe it's really better this way. He was starting to pry. He has to remind himself that their _friendship_ is new, and trust is not built overnight.

"Do you like it when I do… this?" Dan breathes near Phil's ear, and then kisses him just behind it. A small gasp escapes Phil's lips.

"Or this?" Dan continues, moving to kiss Phil's neck, his hands already sneaking underneath Phil's shirt. He moves back up and their lips meet, and it's slow, it's too slow, it's too close.

"How about this?" Dan pulls Phil's shirt off and moves his lips downwards, towards the nipples.

Of course Phil likes it, but he doesn't say anything. It's… it's too slow, it's not like them. Combined with wine, with the closeness, with… with everything, he…

Phil _needs_ to be in control here. It's the only way.

"No."

Dan stops immediately, looks up at Phil, his eyes filled to the brim with questions. Phil doesn't give them both the time to ponder.

"No, I prefer—"

Phil swiftly pushes into Dan's space, unbuttoning his shirt as Dan continues to stare at him, surprised. He latches onto his neck immediately; he knows by now that this is a soft spot for Dan. He leaves a hickey in a place that will be easy to cover by a shirt and moves on, kissing his way down as Dan falls back onto the sofa, giving in to Phil's ministrations.

"I prefer _this_."

Phil truly _does_ prefer it. The sight of Dan, coming undone before his eyes. The sounds that he makes. The way that he tastes.

As long as Phil is the one calling the shots, he will not be at risk. Won't be in danger.

 

-

 

Dan stays the night. They're both spent, and they don't talk too much.

 

While Dan drifts off almost immediately, Phil can’t fall asleep. Something is bothering him.

He realises that today, he was the one to withdraw. Today, he was the one to abandon his own plans. Of course, Dan initiated it, but it was Phil that changed the course of action instead of giving in to what Dan had in mind. Was that a good thing? Wasn’t his goal different, wasn’t he trying to achieve something else?

 

Dan is the one that never made sense to Phil, but for the first time, Phil thinks that his own actions no longer make much sense to him as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Thank you for reading this and leaving me feedback. You all seriously improve my life so much. <3 A bit curious/scared to hear your thoughts on this one, please let me know! [Reblogs on tumblr](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/178022103055/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-10-boundaries) are super appreciated too!  
> * **ANNOUNCEMENT** : for scheduling reasons and to avoid any delays, the update schedule is from now on **Sundays and Thursdays**. Hope that's okay with you!
> 
> * Last but not least, thank you to the best beta anyone could ever wish for - [insectbah](https://insectbah.tumblr.com)! <3


	11. reflection

When Phil wakes up, Dan is still asleep.

This is pretty much the norm whenever one of them spends the night. Phil is always kind of tired thanks to his job, but Dan seems to require a whole new level of nightly rest. Not that Phil minds it. Maybe it's for the best.

If Dan woke up first, Phil wouldn't put it past him to just sneak out of his apartment, and while it would make perfect sense, it's something Phil would prefer to avoid.

 

Normally, Phil would sneak out of bed, take a shower, and start the kettle, but he doesn't want to get up just yet. It's been a tiresome week followed by a rather strange Friday night. He already knows he won't fall back asleep.

For a while, he simply lies in bed in silence, eyes still closed, listening to the steady sound of Dan's breathing. His thoughts quickly come to focus on the man laid next to him. It's not even surprising anymore. He thinks about Dan much too often.

No, it's not love, it's not a crush. Dan is just messing with his head in strange ways. Still, Phil would be lying if he said he wasn't attached to the guy in some weird masochistic way. He really wants that friends with benefits thing to work out for them.

Will it? Can it? Phil was dead set on focusing strictly on friendship the previous night, but his plan went to hell, of course. No surprise.

And yet, it was different.

 

Last night, he… He withdrew when Dan didn't insist on withdrawing, he avoided kissing his lips, avoided eye contact. It was purely physical.

Was this the first time Phil adhered to Dan's wishes, the first time when it didn't mean anything? He tried not to think too much. Instead, he set out to make Dan feel as good as possible, because that in turn gave him pleasure, and making Dan feel good does not necessarily require being gentle, Phil has found.

Dan's loud, unrestrained moans that were undoubtedly heard by the neighbours are still fresh in Phil's mind. He can still remember Dan's expression as he came, completely under Phil's control.

Phil couldn't fall asleep afterwards, much like now. His thoughts are more coherent in the morning light, despite the tiredness, but he still has a hard time naming the emotions that led him last night. All he knows is that the boundaries Dan had chosen for them are not the only boundaries in place. He's surprised, really. He's normally an open sort of person, easy to read, easy to befriend.

Then again, with Dan _everything_ is different.

 

Phil sighs. He's sporting a bit of a confused boner, because while his thoughts aren't too cheerful, as long as he continues to think of the previous night, it's not likely to go away. He hates Dan sometimes, really. Confused boners were a thing when he was fourteen, not now.

It would be easy to get rid of it too, either by himself, or with Dan's help. In all of their acquaintance, Dan had never turned him down. At least that was one constant in their entire relationship.

It _would_ be easy. Just wake him, get right to it, lose himself in the way Dan feels. But Phil knows and remembers that this was not the plan, and failing yesterday does not mean he should keep on failing now.

He wants to get to know Dan, and it won't be too easy to do if they spend the majority of their time going at it.

 

He blinks his eyes open and slowly looks to the side, at Dan. He looks so serene when asleep, younger and, well, _honest_. There are no barriers, boundaries, rules or restrictions. This is just Dan, the guy that Phil knows but ultimately doesn't, the reason for his confusion and the distraction from his day to day life.

Dan is laying on his stomach, his cheek pressed into the pillow, arms splayed across it, one of them extended in Phil's direction. His mouth is slightly open, a small wet spot underneath it. Phil doesn't care. Who doesn't sometimes drool in their sleep?

He doesn't want to keep on staring at Dan, but once he's started, he finds that he cannot stop. Carefully, he turns to lay on his side, his gaze flitting between Dan's face and Dan's hand, so close to his own. He slowly reaches out and allows his fingers to brush the back of Dan's hand, the warmth underneath his fingertips almost electric to the touch.

It feels forbidden; it actually _is_ , if Phil was to follow their rules. He bites his lip, but he doesn't stop. He takes Dan's hand in his, lightly, without squeezing it, and keeps on staring.

If Dan were to wake up right now, he'd probably mock Phil. Phil knows him well enough to have an easy time picturing it. " _My dick is down there, Phil_." " _C'mon Phil, what is this sappy shit?"_ At best he'll just pull away and things will inevitably get awkward.

Yet despite the thoughts that are racing through Phil's mind, Dan is still asleep, and Phil is still confused.

What is it that Phil wants? It's much too early in the morning to be thinking of these things.

He closes his eyes, if only to put some distance between himself and Dan, but their hands remain loosely joined. As his thoughts drift away from the previous night and onto broader subjects, he is left with a strange mixture of emptiness and warmth.

It's confusing, all of this. It's clearly only confusing for Phil, though. Dan knows what he wants. Dan compromised to give friendship a try, but his main focus is, and always will be, sex. Phil knows that.

 

Another sigh slips past his lips, but it's caught in his throat as he hears Dan begin to wake up. Phil's eyes immediately fly open, but it's too late to pull away, because Dan's gaze immediately lands on their hands.

Dan closes his eyes again and frowns, either annoyed or blinded by the sunlight that is streaming through the curtains. He then blinks twice and his eyes focus on Phil, who watches in panic as Dan seemingly starts to make sense of their current situation.

Phil wants to say something, but it's lodged in his throat. On reflex, he squeezes Dan's hand, only further drawing attention to the broken rule. Dan sends another deliberate, prolonged look in that direction, then makes eye contact with Phil.

"Morning," Dan says simply, not moving an inch.

"Morning," Phil stammers in reply. "I was just…" He runs out of things to say. He was just what? Holding his hand, for what reason? Even Phil doesn't know that.

"Yeah," Dan responds simply, as if Phil actually made any sense.

Dan then turns his palm facing up, entwining their fingers, effectively returning Phil's gesture, and traces small circles on Phil's skin with his thumb. Phil stares, mesmerized, at the pointless caress that leads to nothing and does not fall under either _friendship_ or _sex_.

"Rule two?" Phil whispers. That's one of the three rules he remembers the numbers for. _No kissing or touching unless it leads somewhere_.

"You started it," Dan breathes in reply.

"I suppose…" Phil trails off, distracted by the contented look in Dan's eye, a rare sight.

Without thinking much of it, Phil takes proper hold of Dan's hand, and brings it to his lips for a gentle kiss. Dan's brows shoot up in surprise, but he does nothing to stop Phil.

"You did it again."

"Sorry."

"Are you though?" Before Phil starts to worry, Dan offers him a side grin. There's a long moment of silence, during which Phil doesn't let go of Dan's hand. "You wanna go get some breakfast?"

So the moment is over. Disappointment washes over Phil, and he knows that Dan can see it, but it is quickly replaced by something more joyful. Dan is essentially suggesting they spend more time together. That is not a bad thing. It exceeds Phil's expectations. He's still shocked at Dan not making a big deal out of the whole hand holding thing.

Reluctantly, he lets go, the lack of warmth sudden and unwelcome.

"Sure."

-

 

They both shower – separately – and Phil lends Dan some of his clothes again. Phil actually takes the time to dry his hair, while Dan says he's ready to go when his hair is still damp, even more curly than usual.

They leave the flat, walking side by side. Phil is feeling slightly weird to be headed somewhere with Dan, just for the sake of getting some breakfast. He tries to make conversation, but he's grasping at straws. Dan seems a little lost in thought.

Phil goes to order while Dan finds them a table, and ten minutes later, they're both sat down with some pastries and huge coffees to start their day with. The first two minutes pass in silence.

"How's your pastry?" Phil asks out of lack of something to say.

"Too sugary," Dan replies, but keeps on eating.

"There's no such thing as _too sugary_ in my vocabulary."

"Noted." Dan points to Phil's coffee: three sugars, extra milk.

"We all need some sweetness in our life!"

" _S_ _ome_ is different from the abomination of a coffee that you drink, Phil. But hey, this is a no-shaming zone. I ain't shaming. I'm just judging you."

"Isn't that the same thing?" Phil asks, some of the nerves melting underneath Dan's amused expression.

"No, I'm not saying anything, I'm just like, _silently_ judging."

"I don't think that's really working out for you, Dan."

"I could be much worse. Trust me."

"I do," Phil replies without missing a beat, then adds, "I mean, I can—I can easily believe that, yeah."

Dan takes another sip of his own coffee, a smirk on his lips. He says nothing, leaving Phil to maintain the conversation.

"You wanna try my coffee?"

"I'll taste it later when we're snogging, 's alright."

Phil immediately flushes, as always caught off-guard by how easily Dan says things like that. Compared to Dan, he's a prude everywhere outside the bedroom.

It suddenly hits him what Dan is implying.

"Later? As in, _today_?"

"Yeah? Why, you got plans?"

Phil should probably say yes, he's got plans, if only to not seem so very boring. But the truth is, the closest plans he's got are in two weeks. It's pretty sad.

"I just thought you'd probably want to leave after breakfast," Phil explains without truly answering the question.

Dan shoots him a look, seemingly uncertain. "I can, if you like."

"You know I don't," Phil states, and Dan doesn't protest. It must be really obvious.

"I mean yeah, I know. You can't resist me, Lester." Dan looks so smug, Phil wants to hit him.

"Want to bet?" Phil says instead, a hint of challenge in his voice. The gleam that immediately appears in Dan's eyes tells him the idea was a good one.

"I mean, you're going to lose, so that's up to you really," Dan says easily.

"Let's spend the day together. If we, um—if we _do it_ , I lose. If we don't, I win," he proposes.

"That sounds like the most rubbish idea _ever_. My idea was more like, we go back to yours and fuck for an hour, then—"

"Then you go home," Phil pitches in. Dan nods. "So you're too scared to accept my challenge? I see how it is!"

"You're a weirdo. And an idiot. A _weird_ idiot."

Phil smiles as though he had just received a string of compliments.

"Is that a yes?"

 

-

 

"Dan! Stop! I can't see the game!"

Phil stands up, forcing Dan off his lap, and tries to see the television over Dan's shoulder.

"What do you expect me to do? We made a bet!"

Dan, ever so subtle, gets straight to the point and begins to touch Phil through his pants, sending a jolt down his spine.

He's had to put up with this for _three hours._ He conceded on the clothing front, which means they're both sat in their pants, but he's _not_ conceding on the main front: he refuses to surrender to Dan's attempts at seduction.

While Phil is enforcing Mario Kart, Dan is simultaneously interrupting his races and winning his own. It's bullshit, really, the whole thing, but Phil doesn't even realise how the time flies.

Phil loses, of course, coming in last, and groans in frustration, while Dan begins to cheer.

"I'm the absolute fucking best at this bet, seriously," Dan brags, then proceeds to shove Phil back on the sofa and straddle him again.

"You're the best at _cheating_ ," Phil says, trying to remain entirely unaffected as Dan attempts to distract him.

"How am _I_ cheating? This is all fair play. Frankly, I'm offended that I haven't won yet."

Phil tries, tries _hard_ , not to focus on the fact that there's but a thin layer of fabric between his crotch and Dan's. Dan notices, of course. Phil unceremoniously presses his hand into Dan's face, pushing him away. He then takes advantage of the moment of recuperation on Dan's part and suggests, "I say you stop abusing me and we order some pizza. I'm hungry!"

Dan ponders it for a moment, not moving from his spot in Phil's lap.

"Temporary truce?"

Phil breathes a sigh of relief. "Yeah!"

 

They sit down, pick out a pizza to order, and then have a fight about who should get dressed and pick it up from the pizza man. Phil is the loser this time, and he gladly puts on his jeans, planning to keep them on for as long as possible.

If he wanted friendship, then they're off to a good start, based on today alone. Although it could just be Dan being really determined to sleep with him.

It's hard to understand what Dan is about; he’s so open one minute only to shut down the next. Today, he is nothing but smiles and jokes at Phil's expense. This entire morning feels like an elephant in the room, but neither of them mentions it, of course.

"I'm still going to win, you know," Dan says while they're playing another game to kill the time until their food arrives. "Plenty of time until midnight."

"You don't have anything else to do?"

"Not today."

A muffled curse word escapes Phil's lips when he loses the game, _again_.

"You're—you're breaking some rule! The Mario Kart one!" he exclaims out of desperation. "You can't win the bet now, or you'll break the rules!"

"That's one of _your_ rules, and they suck," Dan dismisses with a grin. "We only have to follow my rules."

"You're the absolute worst person!"

The doorbell rings, making them both jump slightly.

"Already?" Dan says, dubious. "That was quick."

Phil shrugs and walks towards the door, leaving Dan lounging on the sofa.

He opens the door, expecting to see his favourite pizza guy, but instead dies a little on the inside upon finding Martyn, a six pack of beer in his hand and a grin on his face.

"I knew you'd be home!" Martyn exclaims upon seeing Phil. "I said to Cornelia, _Phil's gonna be in, he never goes out on Saturday_!"

Phil stands there, speechless. Had he forgotten a previous conversation with his brother? Have they agreed to meet today? One way or another, Martyn barges in as if he owns the place, and while Phil begins to stop him, it's all too late. His brother enters the lounge, immediately finding Dan on the sofa, wearing nothing but his pants, mortified.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck fuck fuck._

Martyn immediately turns around, stares at Phil with wide eyes, his hand covering his mouth. Meanwhile, Dan is flipping the hell out as he jumps up from the sofa and grabs the nearest blanket to cover himself with.

For a moment, everything is silent, like the eye of a hurricane. And then, as if on cue, they all begin to speak all at once.

"Phil, I had no idea—"

"What the— _Martyn_! Why didn't you call me? _Why_ didn't you just call me? This isn't the 90s!"

"We're just coworkers!" Dan shouts at them both, although it seems pretty pointless at this stage.

"Yes, we're—we're coworkers, like Dan said. He's just—he was just in the area!"

Martyn's frantic gaze flits between the two of them, clearly trying to make sense of it.

"Look, I'll just… I'll just go get dressed," Dan mumbles, leaving the two of them alone. Phil fights the urge to follow him.

Yes, Martyn has done this before. He likes to pop in on Phil at random times. But surely he could at least _call_?

The moment Dan leaves, Martyn's expression changes from mortification to delight. He sets the beers down and walks up to Phil, placing his hands on his shoulders.

"Why didn't you tell me I was bloody right? I've got a bet going with Cornelia! That's 20 quid for me!"

"We're _not_ dating," Phil insists, rubbing his eyes tiredly until he can see tiny little stars. Trust his big, loving brother to come in at the absolutely worst possible time.

"Yeah, 'm afraid that's not gonna pass, Philip. You've got the guy almost naked on your sofa."

"Be quiet!" Phil chastises. When Dan leaves, which will undoubtedly be soon, he will have to try and teach Martyn when it is time to stop. "It's not like that at all."

"Then what is it—"

Martyn is interrupted by Dan, walking back in fully clothed, wearing his own clothes instead of the stuff Phil had loaned him.

"I had a little bit of a laundry mishap," Dan announces, as if nothing ever happened. "I got these out of the dryer, they're great. Thanks, mate." The last few words are directed at Phil. It's unsettling – the change in his tone, the casual expression. It does not give away anything at all.

 

The contrast is stark. Phil hates it. He loves his brother, he's always been his best friend, but right now he'd happily poke his eyes out.

Martyn observes them as Phil plays along. "No problem," he says, all too quiet.

"Was nice to see you again, Martyn. Sorry to pretty much flash you," Dan says in Martyn's direction, extending his hand out for a shake. Once Martyn accepts, Dan is right out the door, bumping into the pizza man on his way out, but not stopping to even say sorry.

Miserable, Phil accepts the bloody pizza that is way too big for him alone, and ushers Martyn back inside.

"What were you thinking?" Phil rants the moment the doors close. "You can't just barge in here whenever!"

"Okay, one, _barge in_? I have a key! And I still waited for you to let me in!"

"You have a cellphone, Mar, use it!"

Martyn looks upset at first, but the expression swiftly dissolves into amusement.

"You're whining a lot for a coworker," Martyn states. "It's no problem, Phil, I'm happy you've finally got someone—"

"It's not like that!" Phil exclaims yet again, if only to stop hearing about how misguided his brother is.

Martyn sits down on the sofa, puzzled.

"Then what is it like? You can't tell me you two aren't shagging. I'm not stupid."

Phil rolls his eyes and counts to ten, pinching the bridge of his nose. Martyn is one of the few people Phil knows how to argue with. They've had their fair share of fights when they were growing up, even if most of the time they were the best of friends.

"Dan is my… I don't know. Friend, I guess."

"Like a fuck buddy?" Martyn presses. Phil does _not_ want to talk about this.

"No, coworker and—"

"Do _all_ your coworkers come and sit in your flat half-naked, then?" Martyn asks, clearly certain that he's won.

Well, he is not wrong.

"What does it matter?" Phil says tiredly. "Why'd you even come?"

Martyn sobers up slightly. "I've got a cold and Cornelia told me to go away or the girls will catch it. I'm staying the night."

Great. Phil only now notices that aside from the beers, Martyn is carrying a whole backpack of his things. Of course he'd hate for his nieces to be ill, but knowing his luck, he will catch whatever plague Martyn is carrying and be miserable for a week. He has every reason to be grumpy.

No, not really. He's not grumpy because of Martyn and his cold. He's grumpy because of Martyn and being deprived of some extra time with Dan.

His brother seemingly studies him while Phil is thinking about texting Dan to apologise for the whole thing.  Martyn interrupts his thoughts, his voice now serious.

"Phil, you've always told me about the new people in your life," he says in his best _older brother_ voice. "What's different now?"

With a sigh, Phil responds, "He's not really... _in my life_ in that sense. I told you, he is mostly my coworker."

"Mostly?"

"Mostly."

Martyn frowns, fully facing Phil now.

"So I was right? You're dating?"

"No, and we won't be," Phil snaps. "We just… We meet up for… You _know_. Sometimes."

He is downplaying it, but that's all for the best.

Martyn's expression, previously somewhat confused, transforms into worry.

"But that's not like you," his brother comments simply.

Sighing, Phil agrees, "Maybe not."

"So you're just…” Martyn trails off, pauses. “...and nothing else?"

"We're trying to be friends. It was going kind of alright until _you_ showed up."

Phil looks away, unable to handle his brother's gaze anymore. All the cheer from before seems to have faded, and he is once again reminded of how unusual this whole situation is. If nothing else, he can see it in his brother's eyes. He's not wrong. This type of arrangement is not something Phil would have ever considered before.

At least not until Dan.

"How's that meant to work, though? I mean—"

"I don't really want to talk about it," Phil dismisses. He stands up, grabs two plates, and brings the pizza over. He then says with a forced ease, "If you're staying, we're going half on the pizza."

Martyn continues to stare at him, seemingly weighing his options. When Phil softly shakes his head, his brother knows to just drop it.

 

They put on a movie, eat their pizza, and drink the beers. Martyn leaves him alone about Dan, but Phil knows that it is all his brother can think about. Martyn is nothing if not a gossip, and Phil's (lack of) love life was always his favourite subject.

When the movie ends, Martyn crashes on the sofa, while Phil crawls into bed, exhausted, mortified, disappointed, confused.

The sheets still smell like Dan. He texts him a quick _sorry_ that Dan does not reply to.

Sometimes, it feels as though everything in the universe is united to prevent Phil from getting to know Dan any better than he does now.

 

As he falls asleep somewhere around four AM, his mind is still swimming with missed opportunities and questions left unanswered. Martyn had always been a mirror of Phil’s most avoided thoughts. Today was no exception.

It's really rather unfortunate that the last thing he thinks of before he falls asleep is the feeling of Dan's hand in his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **This fic is now complete - all I have to do is post it :)** so you can feel safe despite it being a WIP haha. We are sticking to the twice per week posting schedule!  
>  Thank you for reading this! I love reading your feedback, so if you have any thoughts, please share! :) If you like, you can also [reblog this on tumblr](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/178151139780/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-11-reflection)!
> 
> Gigantic thank you to my wonderful beta reader - [insectbah](https://insectbah.tumblr.com)!


	12. comfort

_Wednesday_

"Phil, for the love of god, _please_ go home," Lily whines. "If I get sick, then my daughter gets sick, and if Molly gets ill again, I will need to stay in... and then, Viv will murder me."

"I'm sorry!" he rasps, hastily wiping his nose with a tissue. "I _can't_ go home. She said I need to finish this today."

Lily rolls her eyes. "Fuckin' slavery, this work, innit? Can't even bloody go home when you're sneezing your nose off! What the—"

Vince hands her the swear jar with a huge grin. It's Wednesday, and they've already got a fair amount of money in there. Mondays tend to have that effect on them.

"Why are you even sick? It's August, mate," Kent pipes up from behind his desk.

"My brother. I caught it from my brother."

"So you _are_ contagious!" Lily exclaims in horror. "You said you weren't!"

Phil falls back in the chair, rubbing his temples. His head feels like it's about to burst.

"Martyn is contagious," he finally mumbles, "Maybe I'm not?"

Lily throws her arms up in the air, sits as far away from Phil as possible, and mumbles something about going home early.

He can't blame her. He'd really like to go home too.

He had been feeling poorly ever since Sunday. By Monday, he was just as bad as Martyn, whose confinement at Phil's flat continues to this day. The difference between the two of them is that Phil's boss does not approve of sick days, and Martyn is his own boss, reporting to no one. So now, Martyn is sitting on his arse and watching the telly at Phil's, while Phil has to suffer at the office.

Phil reminds himself that at least his nieces and Cornelia are avoiding illness. That's the one upside of putting up with Martyn, who is horrid when sick. But honestly, when feeling like this, all Phil wants to do is wrap up in a blanket and go to sleep.

 

He hadn't heard from Dan for three days, other than a quick _it's okay_ text sent on Sunday morning. Nevertheless, Phil spent an unhealthy amount of time worrying over what happened thanks to his brother's idiocy on Saturday. Martyn is a lovable guy, of course, but the whole situation was mortifying for Phil. It can't have been much better for Dan. No, it would only be worse. Dan is the one more fussed about this kind of thing.

He sighs, which quickly dissolves into a coughing fit.

 

He tries to ignore Lily's glares, and attempts to focus on the video he's meant to edit today. It's just not happening. A five second clip takes him an hour because he keeps losing focus. This is pointless. He stands up abruptly, startling his colleagues.

"I'm going to Viv's. I feel miserable," he announces. They all happily nod in agreement. Of course they'd rather be rid of him, no one wants to feel this way and at this rate they will _all_ be ill by tomorrow.

 

He knocks on the door to her office, acutely aware of the heavy weight in his chest. If there's anything that annoys Vivian more than missed deadlines, it's this – someone taking sick days. Phil likes to think it's her kryptonite, only she's not Superman, she's the direct result of Cruella De Vil and Maleficent having a baby.

"Come in," she calls, and he timidly steps inside, hand lingering on the doorknob even once he's shut the door.

Vivian looks up from her laptop, frowning when she sees Phil. He should be used to it by now. He can't remember the last time he had seen the woman smile in his direction. The one time she did, he smiled back, but he'd only made an idiot out of himself - she was smiling at the CEO, who was stood behind Phil.

"Sit." It's an order, not a request, and Phil obeys.

The AC in Vivian's office is turned down to the coldest setting, and it's irritating Phil's already sore throat. He coughs, despite trying hard not to, and she scrunches her nose at him in disgust.

"What is it? Are you done with your assignment?" Vivian asks impatiently when Phil is still choking on air twenty seconds later.

"I'm… No, I'm not," he says quietly, tiny little pins stabbing him as he speaks. "I'm feeling very poorly. I really need to go home and take a sick day or two."

The effect is instantaneous, and not really unexpected, but it still makes Phil shiver slightly.

"Are you _serious_?" She pauses for effect. Phil knows this trick by now. "No… No, you _can't_ be serious. Philip, this is our busiest season! You have a very important assignment! Who will finish it when you're home? Sick days are not vacation days, you know. You don't even _look_ ill."

It's _always_ their busiest season, at least it always is whenever Phil needs something. He regrets ever coming here. He regrets ever taking this job.

He regrets ever being _born_ , although he does realise he's being dramatic.

"I am ill," he opposes. "My—our team can vouch for it… I don't want them to catch it too—"

"Heavens, of course not! Knowing you lot, you'll _all_ take sick days! Do you know what, Philip? I still come in to work, even with a 40 degree fever. That is _dedication_. Without dedication, you might as well not work at this company. We don't exist to pay people who don't care about their jobs."

Fucking hell, he only asked to leave two hours early, and for two days off to recover. What the fuck is her problem? He is fuming on the inside, but on the outside, he sits there feeling small and defeated. This is Phil's problem. He was always a good child. Always respected authority. Hardly ever stood up for himself.

He _hates_ this job. This fucking place. The only good thing that ever came of it is, of course, Dan. But that's too complicated to even think of right now.

"I feel very poorly," he reiterates. "I—I can't concentrate. I'm not efficient. I can… I can finish this from home? Would that be alright?"

She stares at him, pursing her lips and shaking her head slightly, as if too disappointed for words.

"Fine. Have your sick days, go home now. But you _will_ finish the assignment, and you will have to work back the hours. You won't get paid for them."

 _Argue, fucking argue with her,_ a little voice inside his head screams. But he can't, and he doesn't.

"Thank you," he mutters, stands up, goes to leave her office without another word.

"I hope you realise that I am doing you a favour right now. I always expect my favours to be returned."

He says nothing else, even though he really wants to. He leaves her office, grabs his things, and goes home.

 

-

 

When Phil gets back to the flat, he finds a sniffling Martyn packing his things.

"Hey Phil!" Martyn greets him. He looks like hell, and Phil does too. "The girls caught it, whatever it is, so I'm going home to help out Cornelia, since it's a fuckin' disaster in there."

Phil's stomach drops a little. He may have been annoyed with Martyn, but today of all days, after such a day, he didn't want to be alone. He thought they could at least sit and be miserable together. Also, the only reason he's sick now was to prevent his nieces from getting sick too, so knowing they are _all_ sick is honestly a bit of a bummer.

"Oh… right," is all he says.

Martyn takes note of the tone of his voice.

"You okay? D'you want me to stay?"

Phil smiles at his brother and pats his back. "Go, before Cornelia divorces you."

Martyn snorts, grabs his backpack, and heads towards the door. Phil follows him.

"Perhaps you should invite that Dan guy over," Martyn muses. "I reckon he could keep you cheerful."

Right, yeah, maybe Martyn leaving is not such a bad thing after all.

"Bye Martyn, it was nice to see you!" Phil exclaims as he all but pushes his brother out the door.

"Thanks for having me!" Martyn says earnestly, then turns around to give Phil a quick hug. Phil relaxes into it, lingers for a moment, and sends him off.

As his brother starts making his way down the stairs, Phil calls after him, "Text me next time before you come over!"

He hears Martyn sniggering until he leaves the building.

 

-

 

Phil should be working, but he is too busy wallowing in his misery. He grabs all the blankets he has, which is an exceptionally bad idea in August, and wraps himself up in a tight cocoon. He sits on the sofa, watching yet another rerun of Friends, dozing off now and then.

He is definitely the type of person who likes to be taken care of and spoilt when ill, but well. At least he has some popcorn.

In all honesty, the illness does not matter near as much as the confrontation with Viv earlier in the day. Such things have a tendency to affect Phil's mood for days on end.

 

Why can he never stand up for himself properly? What is really the problem? Surely being polite does not mean that you have to be a doormat, and while Phil doesn't like to admit it, he _is_ a doormat. At least when it comes to his boss.

Phil knows that he should quit his job, find a new place in the world. He may not be a master, but he is certain that he is a good editor, and with years of experience, he _will_ find a different job. Sooner or later.

Then what is the problem? Why does he stay there if it makes him so unhappy?

How would he have lasted the summer if not for Dan being there, distracting him?

Dan. He'd like to see Dan. Not for a distraction, but just to see him, to make sure things are okay despite the weirdness Martyn had brought.

Thanks to a sudden surge of frustrated bravery, he dials Dan's number without thinking twice. On the fourth ring, Dan answers.

"Phil?"

"Hi, Dan."

"Wow, are you sick? You sound _really_ bad."

Phil tries to chuckle, but it comes out as more of a pathetic croak. "I'm—I'm ill, yeah, I had to go home early."

"That sucks for you." There is a pause. Dan breaks the silence just as it begins to get awkward. "Is there any reason why you're calling me?"

"I guess… I guess, um, to apologise. For my brother." That's not the only reason, or even the _main_ reason, but Phil doesn't have to acknowledge that.

"It's fine. I was only slightly traumatised."

"But you—well, you haven't texted me, so I thought…" Phil trails off, realising how clingy he's sounding. "I thought you must be upset."

There is silence on the other end of the line again. Phil hears Dan sigh.

"I wasn't… _Upset_. I just—I had some stuff on my mind. 's alright now."

Phil knows better than to ask. "Okay."

"Well, you feel better then. See you soon, yeah?"

 _Come over_ , Phil wants to say. But what does he have to offer? Friendship, of course, but even that he'll be rubbish at right now. Sex? Laughable concept. He's the least attractive person on the planet today. He seriously doubts that Dan's list of kinks includes fucking a guy that can barely breathe through his congested nose.

"Yeah, thanks Dan, um, thanks. Bye."

 

The phone call did not serve its purpose. He only feels more lonely than he did just five minutes ago. Such things always remind him of the contrast between the friendship he _thinks_ he has with Dan, and the friendship he actually does have. Miles and miles apart, really. He could ring one of his friends from back home, PJ or Ian, but he doesn't want to call them and find them too busy for a proper chat.

He goes to make himself some tea with honey, calls his mum to whine about Martyn spreading disease, and gets to work. It's going a little bit better now he's at home, but he still has a difficult time concentrating. He shouldn't even be doing this, he thinks. He really is a weakling.

His eyes are teary, but maybe, just maybe, it's not entirely thanks to the cold.

 

-

 

The doorbell startles him, makes him nearly drop his laptop down on the floor, and brings on a coughing fit. He trudges towards the door, still wrapped in two of his blankets, coughing as he goes. He opens up without even looking through the viewfinder.

Once he sees who came to visit, his jaw drops.

 

It's Dan, standing there in a t-shirt and shorts, carrying what looks like a bag of groceries in one hand and a bag of takeout in the other. He smiles at Phil sheepishly, seemingly somewhat amused by Phil's shocked expression.

"You look like a Kakuna," Dan says, pushing past a confused Phil and inside the apartment.

He immediately sets about putting everything down on the kitchen counter without waiting for Phil to even recover and shut the front door. Phil does, eventually, and hurries after Dan. A quick glance in the hall mirror on the way to the kitchen tells him he looks absolutely _awful._ He has to fight the urge to wrap a blanket around his face too, to make sure Dan can't see his red nose and puffy eyes.

"I brought you some Nando's. And some crisps, and um, marshmallows. You said you like those?"

Phil is speechless, because this honestly makes _no sense_. It doesn't _fit_. Dan coming over when Phil is poorly? With things he thought Phil might want to eat? Why? Phil doesn't get it at all.

Dan at last turns around, facing Phil, a little flustered once he fully feels the intensity of Phil's stare.

"What? You don't like Nando's?" Dan guesses at last, somewhat bashfully.

Phil shakes himself out of his silent reverie and protests immediately. "No, I do! I do, I just—Dan, what are you _doing_ here?"

"You sounded a bit down on the phone," Dan explains, puzzled. "I had nothing to do, so I figured I could come over."

"But you know we're not going to—"

"Yeah," Dan interjects. "I know."

Phil's eyes open wide, boring right into Dan's. So Dan came to visit him just as a friend?

"Go sit," Dan demands eventually. "I'll bring the food."

Too surprised to argue, Phil does as he's told and comes back to his blanket sofa cave. Upon seeing his work laptop, it hits him that he won't even be able to hang out with Dan for that long. The assignment is due tomorrow, and then another one on Friday. Phil just has no time for pleasure, or even recovery.

He sighs. He figures he can allow himself a little time with Dan before telling him he has to get back to work. Dan shouldn't really be around him anyway, not when Phil is probably contagious, and most definitely gross. He doesn't really want Dan to see him like this. He begins to consider taking a shower, but the thought of it makes him shiver. He feels far too cold right now.

After some rummaging in the kitchen, Dan appears with two mugs of tea, their food, and their snacks for later. Phil watches, perplexed, as Dan sets everything down on the coffee table and sits next to him.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I'm surprised, that's all," Phil admits.

"I told you I'm willing to try. I just don't think it'll work," Dan says.

Their hands brush as they both reach for the same mug. Phil is the one to shy away from the touch, but their eyes do meet again.

"Well…" Phil pauses, the word hanging in the air for too long. "Thanks, Dan."

Dan shrugs. "Eat while it's hot, you sentimental dork."

They eat in companionable silence for a while, but when Dan remarks on Phil's work laptop, he owns up to the fact that he doesn't have a lot of time.

"I have to finish this assignment today," he says sadly. His voice sounds weak, his throat still filled with metaphorical pins and nails. "My boss wouldn't let me have a sick day if I didn't promise I'd do it."

Just thinking of Viv, the office, the job, is enough to pull him back down. He releases yet another deep sigh, which devolves into yet another coughing fit, and begins feeling sorry for himself. Even with Dan right there, it's not easy to just stop thinking about stuff like that. It eats away at Phil, piece by piece, re-appearing in his thoughts the moment he manages to stop thinking about it.

Dan looks at him as though he just said something absolutely preposterous.

"Are you actually kidding me? Phil, that shit's not legal. I should know, I had to re-sit company law twice."

"Probably," Phil immediately concedes, "but what was I supposed to do? I really needed to go home, Viv wouldn't let me."

"Argue like fuck? Seriously, your boss should be _fired_. I guess. At the very least." Dan pauses to think, then asks, "D'you have like, any recordings of stuff like that?"

Phil purses his lips. "'course not. I'm not—I don't usually try to get in trouble."

"I can tell," Dan comments, and for some reason, it rubs Phil the wrong way.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"That you're a stupidly nice person? I guess. I mean, you say _have a nice day_ to the pizza man, you help a random old lady with her bags, you smile at dogs on the street. It's no wonder you're…" Dan trails off.

"No wonder I'm what?" Phil insists. There's a little lump in his throat that wasn't there before. He honestly hadn't even thought that Dan paid him that much attention when they were walking somewhere together, at least not enough to remember it so well.

"Easy to take advantage of," Dan replies, eyes trained on his food.

Phil wants to disagree, but he has no grounds for it. Of course he gets taken advantage of, very often.

"I just don't like to argue," he says weakly. "Mum always taught me never to go to sleep on an argument."

"Yeah, but that's like—that's _relationship_ advice, Phil. Doesn't apply when your boss is treating you like a fucking slave."

Phil sets his fork down, having eaten only half the meal. He feels too poorly to have a proper appetite, and this subject is not helping at all. Dan, without knowing him all that well, already sees him as the pushover that he is. While Phil appreciates the apparent indignation on his behalf, he doesn't want to be seen as weak. Not by Dan.

"That's just life, Dan," he dismisses.

Dan stops eating too and observes Phil, clearly pondering what to say. Phil avoids eye contact, pretending to be focused on the hem of his blanket.

"I don't know you that well, but…" Still feeling Dan's eyes on him, Phil finally looks up to meet them. "I don't know, guess I think you deserve better."

Dan's eyes are dark. There's a tiny crease between his brows that Phil has seen before, but not enough for him to fully know the meaning of it. Dan's attention remains on Phil, and he does not shy away from it.

 _I think you deserve better_.

Why does Phil begin to wonder if the only thing Dan means is his job?

 

He takes a quick breath and releases it in one sharp exhale. The corners of his lips are tipped downwards. Second by second, he is starting to feel overwhelmed, and he doesn't want that. Not in front of Dan. He really ought to look away, put an end to this before it even properly started. He doesn't want Dan to see him with these piercing eyes, to look into places Phil doesn't like to put on show.

Despite Dan being right here with him, Phil had never felt so lonely before. They're so close, and still so far.

Dan's expression softens for seemingly no reason. There's a certain kind of familiarity in the way that he smiles that wasn't there before. It's pulling at something deep within Phil's chest.

"Oh, whatever," Dan whispers, and before Phil gets to ask what he means, he is being pulled in by a pair of long arms.

Phil freezes, stunned, as Dan pulls him close. Phil's face ends up somewhere near the crook of Dan's neck, and before he knows it, Dan's arms are wrapped tightly around him, keeping him in a warm, comforting embrace.

Phil's heart skips a beat. And then another one. And then one more.

 

He's had these exact arms wrapped around him on so many occasions. Occasions which allowed for even closer touch, for bare skin against bare skin.

They are fully clothed. Then why does _this_ feel infinitely more intimate?

Phil shuts his eyes, and slowly sneaks his own arms around Dan's form, hugging him just as tightly. He burrows his nose in Dan's shoulder, careful not to mess up his shirt, and inhales deeply, thanking the universe for not making him cough right at this very moment. He's lost all sense of smell, but it doesn't matter - he knows Dan's scent by heart.

He expects Dan to let go any second, but he just doesn't, and as seconds pass, Phil begins to relax. Breath after breath, he succumbs to this seemingly insignificant gesture, and they remain like this in silence, suspended in what feels like an alternate dimension.

 

Minutes pass. Phil shifts slightly and Dan adjusts to it. Without meaning to, they both gradually shift from sitting up to laying down.

Dan falls back onto the sofa, stretching his legs out. Phil, quite naturally, ends up half-laid on top of him, with Dan's arms still wrapped tightly around his body. He closes his eyes.

Phil always has to fight himself not to think too much around Dan. Right now, it's all quite simple. Phil loses himself in the sensation, in the steady beat of Dan's heart, in the feeling of Dan's hands rubbing comforting patterns across his back.

When was the last time someone held him like this? Never, maybe? Phil was always the strong one, the comforting presence in every relationship and friendship he has ever had. Hugs were given and not received.

 

He can feel Dan looking at him. He opens up his eyes and turns his head upwards in order to make eye contact.

"Thank you," he whispers, quite stumped by the events of the night.

Dan bites his lip, and Phil fully expects him to withdraw right about now. But he doesn't, he stays put. He merely says, "You know this still—"

"Doesn't mean anything, yeah, I know."

Dan shrugs slightly with just one shoulder, the other one occupied by Phil.

"It means _something_. We agreed to be friends. But, you know, it's not like… You know what I mean."

"I think of you as a friend, Dan," Phil admits. He's not sure if these words would have been entirely true prior to this moment, but he is certain of them now. "It means nothing else."

Dan smiles, less with his lips, more with his eyes. Phil likes the expression.

"Cool."

On any other day, Phil may have felt offended by such an inadequate response. But this, coming from Dan, still feels like a lot.

 

Phil doesn't even register feeling drowsy. He falls asleep, held by Dan, more at peace than he had been in a long time.

 

-

 

He wakes up in the morning to a coughing fit. He remains on the sofa, covered by blankets, but Dan is nowhere to be found.

Disappointment hits him like a truck. He doesn't know what else he expected; this _does_ make perfect sense. But on some small level, he would have liked to wake up in that same alternate dimension that he had managed to fall asleep in.

Has Dan _really_ left without a word?

He looks around the room, scanning the messy surroundings, until he finds a little note left on the coffee table.

He dives for it so quick, he nearly falls off the sofa.

 

_i had to go to work_

_ill pop back in the evening_

_p.s i took some clothes from your drawer_

With a grin on his face, he checks his phone. The grin quickly fades into a scowl when he finds that he has 14 missed calls from Vivian.

Right. He missed his assignment last night.

Phil's initial response is to call her back immediately, apologise, stuff himself full of meds, and get to work. But…

Dan's words echo somewhere inside his head.

_You deserve better._

Dan is just an intern. He doesn't know a thing about real work, at least within this company.

But then again, is he not right? Everyone gets sick sometimes. Phil can't imagine spending the whole day poring over short clips, smoothing out every detail, not when his eyes are so teary. On the other hand, if he doesn't finish the assignment, Vivian will be furious.

 

The least he should do is check his email. His eyes flit back down towards the coffee table, where he left the laptop last night, but it's nowhere to be found.

Dread fills him head to toe. _Where is it_? Missing an assignment is one thing, but losing the company laptop is a whole new level of fuck up. Frantically, he searches the entire room, the bedroom, even the kitchen and the bathroom. Nothing.

As he begins to search the hall, he finds a post-it note stuck to the mirror.

 

_yes i took your laptop_

_get some rest_

He's stunned at first, much like last night. Then he is a bit angry. This will undoubtedly get him in trouble. Why is Dan so reckless? What does it even matter to him?

Thinking that way makes him stumble upon the one train of thought that ultimately feels right.

He finds himself feeling _grateful_.

Dan cared enough to come over. Dan cared enough to _hold_ him. Dan cared enough to make sure that Phil will be resting today, as opposed to working all day.

Dan…

 

Coughing and sneezing as he walks, he goes back to the lounge, grabs his phone, and types out a text.

 

**Phil**

I'm sorry, I cannot complete my assignment. I am far too ill. I will return to work next week. Best, Phil Lester

 

After a little consideration, he changes conversations and types out another message.

 

**Phil**

You're insufferable

 

**Dan**

thanks mate

 

**Phil**

I owe you one

 

**Dan**

i think you know what i like

 

With a genuine smile, he puts down his phone.

It's a small step, but it is definitely a step in the right direction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're confused, a Kakuna is a Pokémon that resembles a cocoon and it looks [like this](https://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Kakuna_\(Pok%C3%A9mon\)).  
> Thank you so much for reading this and please let me know what you think about this chapter! [Reblogs on tumblr](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/178283500705/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-12-comfort) are super appreciated too :)
> 
> A thousand thanks to the person that makes this all happen, my beta reader: [insectbah](https://insectbah.tumblr.com)! <3


	13. friendship

Phil is on his fourth episode of Buffy when Dan shows up again.

 

Phil wasn't exactly counting on it, but for some reason he wasn't doubting it as much as he normally would have. That sense of serenity from last night lasted him throughout the day, even though the day itself wasn't great. He meets Dan with a genuine smile, and a spark in his heart that he doesn't wish to examine closely.

"Hey, plague-bearer," Dan greets him cheerfully when Phil answers the door. There is another bag in his hand – takeout again, Phil guesses. He's still wearing Phil's clothes: a maroon button-up and a pair of dark jeans. It should come as no surprise that Dan looks bloody amazing, but Phil is far too sick to consider doing anything but sitting idly on the sofa.

"Hey Dan," Phil responds in a similar, although much quieter, tone. His throat is even worse than it was this morning.

Once inside, Dan stands right in front of Phil, examining him. Phil's breath is briefly caught in his throat when Dan kisses his forehead, testing for temperature. He remains very close afterwards, their faces mere inches away from each other.

"You're burning up, I think. Not that I'm an expert." Dan pauses, frowning at Phil. "You take any meds? You kind of look—well, you don't look _great_."

It takes Phil a full moment to realise what Dan is even saying to him. He is looking at Dan’s lips instead of his eyes. Phil is far too poorly to do anything right now, but he'd still like those lips to be on his own, not on his forehead.

"Wow, thanks for that," he replies, tone light. Dan grins at him in reply, and starts heading towards the lounge.

"You _should_ be thanking me. I could've said something far worse."

"Oi!" Phil shouts as he follows Dan. "I don't look _that_ bad!"

He made an effort, just in case Dan would come over as promised. He showered despite it being the last thing he wanted to do, he tidied the room, and tossed all the used tissues. He may have left several empty mugs on the coffee table, and there may be six blankets on his sofa, but that's not too bad, is it?

"Whatever you say," Dan teases. He sets the bag down on the coffee table and sits on one of Phil's blankets, not bothering to move it. "I got McDonald's today. Couldn't be arsed to walk and get something better."

Phil watches in silence as Dan unpacks all the food. Dan asks him what he wants to eat, claiming he's not fussed about his own meal. Phil doesn't respond, honestly quite stumped.

What's happened to Dan? That Dan that barely wanted to speak to Phil? Where's all this kindness coming from? Was it always there, and Phil just willfully overlooked it? Was Phil purposefully blind to the fact that there are more sides to Dan than he lets on?

"Dan," he calls and pauses, still standing up while Dan is sitting down. When Dan looks up to meet his gaze, he continues. "What's all this?"

"What d'you mean? It's food. I haven't eaten all day, I'm hungry."

Dan knows full well what Phil means, he's just choosing to ignore it. Phil doesn't back down.

"It's just—not too long ago I had to practically force you to come hang out, and now…" he trails off, searching for the right words. "Now you come here on your own, when I'm too sick to _sleep_ with you, and you—you bring me food, and you ask me if I've taken my meds, it's just… Did something happen?"

Dan chews on his bottom lip for a few seconds, clearly trying to think of what to say.

"Do we really have to discuss this? I mean, I'm here, and I'd wager you don't want me to leave, do you," Dan states more than he asks.

"No, I'm… I'm glad you're here, Dan."

Dan's eyes widen when Phil speaks those words. He breaks eye contact, going back to sorting their food, while Phil finally gives in and sits down next to him.

"Yesterday, on the phone," Dan says at last without further prompt. "You sounded really upset."

"I was."

"I'm a shit friend, but that doesn't mean I want you to, I don't know, be miserable? Figured I'd come hang out until you feel better, that's all."

Dan is still refusing to look Phil in the eye, but perhaps it's for the best. Phil is not entirely sure what he would see in Dan's eyes, or even worse, what Dan would see in his.

"You're not a shit friend," Phil whispers.

He lays a hand on Dan's thigh and gives him a squeeze. Dan stops what he was doing, and simply stares down at his hands, laid in his lap.

"You don't know me yet."

"I want to."

At last, Dan glances in his direction. "I know."

 

The next few words that pass between them are focused on deciding who eats what, and then they begin to eat. They start up Buffy, and Dan is not as big a fan as Phil is, but he likes it well enough to comment on it and immerse himself.

Phil’s seen these episodes about a thousand times before, so he focuses mostly on Dan, his reactions, and the things he says. It’s nice to see someone appreciate something Phil loves so much, and Phil finds that his mood is quickly improving, something he had not thought possible after the day that he had.

No, Phil hasn't had a good day. Viv called to yell at him after he sent her the text saying he'd be staying in, Kent got upset because he was the one forced to finish Phil's assignment, and most of all, he spent the entire day feeling like he was run over by a truck, _twice_. Martyn deserves a kick in the face for giving him this cold.

Despite all that, Phil can’t deny feeling so much better now that Dan is here.

 

Once they're done eating, they keep on watching Buffy. Dan gets up and makes Phil some tea, mocking him for the three spoonfuls of sugar that he always has. When he comes back, he intentionally sits closer to Phil than he has before. Phil's all wrapped up while Dan rests his feet on the coffee table, arms splayed across the backrest. His left hand slides down towards Phil's shoulder and stays there.

If Phil wasn't almost literally coughing his lungs out, he would have been kissing Dan by now. Of course it would be for the sole purpose of it escalating, no other reason.

Phil tries to focus on the show, telling himself that the amount of closeness they have right now is more than sufficient.

 

It's nearing midnight when Phil yawns for the first time, capturing Dan's attention.

"You should sleep," Dan remarks, "in bed this time. You're old, you're gonna have back pain all day if you keep sleeping on the sofa."

There's a playful gleam in Dan's eyes, but it doesn't soften the blow. Phil isn't _old_ , but he's most definitely an adult. Old enough to have his life in order. Old enough to not rely on just one, not-too-attached person to carry him through the day.

"I don't have back pain!" he protests, then adds timidly, "Well, not _usually_."

Dan triumphs. "Old man!"

"I hate you," Phil mutters without an ounce of irritation.

Dan looks Phil right in the eye, and says with a smile, "I hate you too."

Phil's heart stutters in his rib cage, heating him up from the inside. He shuts his eyes briefly, which Dan takes as yet another sign of his tiredness.

He's not that tired. Fine, he's _very_ tired. But he doesn't want Dan to leave.

Dan drags himself off the sofa and stretches, his shirt rolling up slightly. Phil pretends not to notice and stands up too.

A thought occurs to him. How could he not ask about this sooner?

"Hey, where’s my work laptop?"

Dan shoots him a self-satisfied grin and responds, "At my place. You're coughing as if you have a choking kink, Phil. No work for you today."

Phil flushes, but before he gets to protest, he starts coughing again. Dan's grin turns from self-satisfied to downright smug.

"Just don't lose it," Phil rasps as soon as he is able to, "or I'll get fired, and then Viv will murder me, and then set me on fire, and then—and then she'll probably like, make a protein shake from my remains."

Dan's expression is now horrified instead of smug, which means that Phil's plan worked perfectly well.

"Jesus fuck, Phil. You've got some morbid imagination hiding behind all the puppies and sugar."

"I just know my boss."

"Quit that job, you loser." Dan rubs the back of his neck, pursing his lips. "Right, I'm gonna get going."

Phil's heart sinks, if only a little. Of course there is no reason for him to ask Dan to stay. What would even be the point?

"Yeah…"

"I'll… I'll bring you your clothes tomorrow?"

"Oh, sure, anytime."

"Okay."

Dan heads towards the hall. Phil follows him, and once they're both there, they stop and simply stare.

The urge to kiss Dan is quite overwhelming. Phil wants to do it for the sensation alone, but also to say thank you, because Dan didn't _have to_ , and yet he was here. Second night in a row.

It's Dan that eventually leans in, one hand on Phil's shoulder, and kisses Phil on the cheek, lips lingering for a little too long.

"Night, Phil," Dan whispers close to Phil's ear.

"Night," he manages to reply.

 

Dan's eyes don't leave Phil's until the very moment he shuts the door.

 

-

 

"D'you want me to bring you some groceries?"

Phil shakes his head. Then he remembers that he's talking on the phone and Martyn can't actually see him.

"I'm good, thanks."

"I feel rubbish for getting you ill," Martyn says for the tenth time. "The girls are still sick too. Cornelia's caught it as well, it's a complete disaster."

"I'd come over and help out, but I'm too busy suffering," Phil says lightly. Martyn chuckles in response.

"You sure you don't need anything?"

"Yeah, I mean, Dan's been helping me out a bit."

 _Why_ did he even say that? Why would he say that? Of course, Martyn immediately perks up.

"Your _coworker_ Dan? Or _friend_ Dan?"

Phil rolls his eyes, wishing his brother were here to see it.

" _Yes_ , my coworker Dan. Seriously, Mar, there's nothing to get so excited about."

"Sounds plenty exciting to me. Come on, Phil. You've never kept things from me before."

Phil starts coughing, and for once, he is pleased about it. Unfortunately, that doesn't stop Martyn from talking.

"I mean, clearly you've got a thing for the guy—"

"No," Phil protests once he can actually breathe. "No, no, and no. You're just assuming things now."

"It's nice of him to help you out when you're feeling poorly, though." Phil doesn't take the bait and stays silent. "He's a very nice lad. Cornelia loved him."

"Great," Phil replies, as disinterestedly as possible.

"I quite like him too."

"Yeah."

"Especially after I've seen him stripped down to his pants."

"Yeah—wait, what?"

Martyn's laughing, and Phil realises he's making fun of him.

"Hey, you could invite him to come with us when we go visit mum and dad. Get yourself someone to talk to, other than the girls."

"Don't be ridiculous," Phil shoots back, but the idea has already been planted.

It _would_ be kind of fun. Well, of course hanging out with Dan for three full days around his family might be disastrous, yet he can't deny that on some level, he would love for it to happen.

"Think on it," Martyn advises. "Right, call me if you need anything. I have to go give the girls their cough syrup."

 

Phil hangs up shortly after. He really ought to stop mentioning Dan to Martyn, because it always ends in such discussions. However, on some level, it's kind of nice to have at least one person that knows about this weird arrangement.

Their trip to Isle of Man is next weekend. Should he really ask Dan?

 

-

 

Dan stays true to his promise this time too, and comes over in the evening. He brings back Phil's clothes.

"Thanks," Phil says, as Dan hands him the bag.

Dan nods, and kind of lingers in the hall, unsure. "Should I go now?"

Phil frowns, just barely holding back from shouting _no_.

"Do you _want_ to?"

"Don't you want some rest?"

Phil can't quite figure out if Dan is looking for an excuse to leave or stay. He knows what _he_ wants, though, and he follows it.

"I've rested during the day. But if you have plans—"

"I don't."

"Oh."

Phil takes a good look at Dan. He looks visibly tired, with dark circles underneath his eyes, and an uncertain expression on his face. Phil can't tell if Dan wants to hang out or not, but…

Dan was always clear about what he did or did not want. Dan is the type of guy who will just leave if he doesn't feel like doing something, or so Phil thinks. The fact that he's undecided tells Phil it's worth a shot.

On a whim, he grabs Dan's hand. Dan's gaze immediately drops down, stunned, but he does not attempt to escape Phil's grip.

"I know, I know. Rule two," Phil mutters. They keep breaking the bloody rule like every single time they meet up. "Stay? We can—we can watch Buffy, or play something, or just… Anything, really?"

"You _want_ me to stay?" Dan asks, his voice small. Phil can't believe that is a question Dan actually feels the need to ask him.

"Yeah." Their eyes meet as they exchange cautious looks. "Very much."

Dan actually lights up upon hearing this. Perhaps Phil was right in his analysis. Maybe Dan really _did_ want to stay.

He lets go of Dan's hand a few seconds too late.

 

-

 

It's strange, but it almost feels like a pattern by now: them sitting on the sofa, close but barely touching, watching something on the telly. Their conversation flows easily, there's plenty of banter, and Dan doesn't withdraw when Phil keeps on talking. They only discuss superficial subjects, but it still feels like a major improvement from a few short weeks ago.

Slowly but surely, Phil allows himself to think that this might yet work out. They might become friends, without sacrificing the thing that initially got them together. Maybe.

 

They move to bed at some point, and continue watching Buffy on Phil's laptop while eating pizza. If not for the stubborn cold, Phil would probably call this the perfect Friday night – Buffy, pizza, sitting in bed in his pjs, with a person that he likes - in a friendly way, of course.

While Phil is ranting about a particular scene, he notes that Dan gives him no feedback whatsoever, even though he's been talking for a solid minute. He glances at Dan, finding him fast asleep with his head propped against the headboard.

The sight disarms Phil completely. He turns off the episode, sets his laptop aside, and removes one of his own blankets to cover Dan. A shiver goes down his spine, but he prefers the cold over waking Dan in this moment.

 

Quietly, he slips out of the bedroom, goes to brush his teeth, and comes back hoping that Dan will still be asleep.

He's not. He lays there, underneath Phil's blanket, eyes glowing in the dim light of Phil's bedside lamp.

"Sorry, I didn't wanna wake you," Phil mumbles, still standing a few steps away from the bed.

"I should go anyway…"

Why does it feel like Dan is waiting for Phil to protest? If that is true, then Phil does not disappoint.

"Stay?" It's a question, not an order. Maybe, on some level, a plea. "It's late."

"But we haven't… You know. We've just hung out."

"We don't have a rule for staying over," Phil reminds him in jest. Dan rewards him with a small smile.

"Just because I'm tired," Dan says.

Phil hates how some of the things Dan says to him tend to have a physical effect on him, both good and bad. It's not supposed to be that way. He's not supposed to feel his heartbeat quicken in anticipation. He's not even supposed to care.

 

Without further ado, Dan slips out of bed, takes off his jeans, and slips back in, this time underneath the covers. He holds out the other end for Phil, who joins him after a few seconds of silence.

They lay there, next to each other, not even trying to touch, but Dan's presence is more than enough for Phil to almost feel his body hum with electricity. He's still too ill to try something, though – not for his sake, for Dan's. He feels like the least sexy person in the world right now, what with his runny nose and constricted throat.

Despite being keenly aware of what he is missing out on, he chooses to focus on Dan. Staying the night. For no reason.

It's nice. Phil can't remember the last time when he felt so… Not lonely? Is there a word for that? He can't remember. He doesn't really care.

 

As they remain silent, Phil recalls his conversation with Martyn. Should he really ask Dan? Is there any point? He might just go and make things awkward. He'd hate for Dan to change his mind now.

"Phil?" Dan whispers, pulling him out of his reverie.

"Yeah?"

"Do you really think this can work out?"

Phil turns his head on the pillow in order to look at Dan. He is not surprised to find that Dan has already done the same thing.

Of course, he doesn't have to ask what Dan is referring to.

"I want it to," he whispers back.

Dan's expression looks almost pained, and it pulls at all the strings Phil has ever had. He doesn't know the meaning of it; he doesn't know why on earth it would be so hard for Dan to just be friends with him. It can't be all that bad.

For a split second, he wonders how things would have turned out if they never had sex. If they met as two people with zero attraction to each other. If this magnetic pull between them never existed.

Would they ever talk? Ever become friends? Would Dan really want that?

Probably not, he thinks.

"I still don't get why," Dan says quietly, unknowingly confirming Phil's assumptions. "There are loads of people. Why would you want to be friends with _me_?"

Phil frowns. He turns on his side and scoots over closer, close enough so that their faces are mere inches away from each other. Dan's gaze keeps flitting between Phil's eyes and lips.

"You're great, Dan, that's why." Dan says nothing, allowing Phil to continue. "You say you're a rubbish friend, but I don't believe you. You sat with me for three nights straight whilst I was sick. You're still here now."

Dan blinks, once, twice. His eyes seem to glimmer, and it almost looks like tears. But why would that be true?

Dan now lays on his side, mirroring Phil's position, and moving even closer. If either of them moved an inch, their lips would inevitably meet.

All that Phil can hear is Dan's breath, and his own racing heartbeat.

"I'm gonna break rule two," Dan breathes. "Again."

Phil almost expects Dan to kiss him. His whole body is aching, begging for the feeling of Dan's lips on his. But that is not what Dan does.

 

Dan pulls him in, much the way he did on Wednesday, and burrows his face in the crook of Phil's neck.

Phil lays there, shocked, while Dan adjusts their position, pressing their bodies flush against each other, keeping Phil close with his arms while he swings one leg over Phil's.

"This was nice," Dan whispers close to Phil's ear. "On Wednesday."

"Yeah," Phil stammers. He doesn't know what else to say. Dan continues without any encouragement.

"Hugging's alright, isn't it? That's—that's normal friendship behaviour, I think."

 _No_ , Phil wants to say. _Not like this, never like this_.

"Yeah. Yeah, that's—completely alright, yeah."

"Okay."

Phil hates that he can't meet Dan's eyes in this position, but he would be a complete moron if he moved right now. Despite the illness, he finds himself breathing deeply, relaxing into the embrace. He also feels Dan do the same, as his muscles grow less tense and his grip on Phil grows a little more slack. Phil's hand slides up Dan's back, towards his neck, and he begins running his fingers through Dan's hair. Dan hums contentedly.

 

Phil really wanted to stay in control here, to be indifferent to whether Dan stays or leaves, but that is clearly not happening. He wants Dan to stay. He wants their friendship to grow. He wants to spend more time with him, more than Dan usually allows them to.

He wants…

"Turn around," Phil pleads, whispering in Dan's ear. He is surprised when Dan does as he's told without question.

This… This is new. This is…

Phil's arm is loosely draped across Dan's waist, his hand resting somewhere near Dan's stomach. Phil's leg is entangled with Dan's. Phil's nose is somewhere near Dan's hair. He can even smell his shampoo.

No, this is definitely _not_ alright. They're definitely breaking a rule. But it's just one rule, and Dan was okay with it, so surely…

"Let's sleep?" Dan whispers amidst Phil's stubborn thoughts. His voice does not sound the least bit groggy.

"Yeah. Let's sleep."

The last thing he remembers is lightly kissing Dan's shoulder blade, absently pulling him closer.

 

-

 

They wake up around the same time, both painfully aware of the fact that they stayed cuddled up throughout the night.

In the light of the morning, everything feels different. More out in the open. More _wrong_. What felt right just a few hours ago suddenly feels like a violation of the rules they agreed to keep. Cuddling is not a thing he’d ever done with friends. As he looks at Dan, it’s easy to see that Dan is thinking of similar things.

Phil doesn't pull away, but he sees the exact moment when Dan decides to. There's a hint of panic in his eyes, and it hurts Phil to see it, but he can't say he didn't expect it.

He doesn't want Dan to go.

"Dan," he says.

Dan stops trying to extract himself from their embrace, and looks at Phil in a manner that is both questioning and scared.

"Yeah?"

 _Stay,_ he wants to say. He wants to place both his hands on the sides of Dan's face and kiss him deeply, until they both forget everything.

First and foremost, he wants more time with Dan.

 

He doesn't think twice, he doesn't even think _once_. He just says the first thing that comes to mind.

"Come with me to Isle of Man."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, I have the best beta reader ever. Thank you for being so supportive, [insectbah](https://insectbah.tumblr.com). <3 
> 
> Thanks so much for all your comments, you are doing wonders for my (non-existent) self-esteem. Please let me know if you liked this chapter, and [give it a reblog](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/178387202775/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-13-friendship) if you find it worthy! :)


	14. bravery

_"Come with me to Isle of Man."_

Phil is laid on his back, with Dan half on top of him, his head resting somewhere near Phil's chest. Dan was in the process of removing himself from the embrace, but the request pulls him to a stop. Phil can't believe he actually _did_ say it – he wasn't fully aware of how much he wanted Dan to come with him until he suddenly blurted out the words.

Dan stares at him with confusion in his eyes. Clearly, this was the last thing he expected Phil to say too.

"What?" Dan mumbles, voice still thick with sleep.

"Come with me to Isle of Man," Phil repeats without further clarification.

"But—but when? For how long?"

He expected a _why_ , not a _when_ , so he needs a little time to collect his thoughts before answering. "Err, next weekend plus Friday."

Dan ponders for a moment, and then asks the obvious, "Why? Why are _you_ even going there?"

Phil's heart sinks. He can certainly anticipate Dan's reaction before even answering the question.

"I'm going to see my parents. Martyn and Cornelia are coming too," Phil says so quickly that the words almost blend into one another.

He wasn't wrong in his assumptions - the moment he says it, Dan pulls away a tad more, his mouth falling agape as he knits his brows in confusion.

" _Phil_. Did you just ask me to come meet your parents? I told you we're—"

"It's not like that!" Phil interjects. They're both lying in bed, Dan is still somewhat in his embrace, and this is getting really awkward really fast. He's not sure why he goes on. "It's just… you could come as my friend, keep me company? Do some… hiking?"

Phil clearly hadn't thought this through. What did he expect to happen? What would they even do there? Hang out with his family, play board games, and listen to Martyn make jokes at their expense?

"Hiking? Me? _Really_?"

"You're quite fit, don't you like hiking?"

"The last time I went hiking I nearly passed out."

"Oh…" Phil pauses, scrambling his brain for ideas. "Well, we could just sit and watch something, or I don’t know, we could do anything really."

"We can do that here. I mean, _I_ can do that. At my flat. Without your parents around."

"They're nice people!"

Dan rolls his eyes and finally slips out of Phil's arms. He pulls himself up into a sitting position, back against the headboard.

Phil feels the loss keenly. He chastises himself for overreacting when he notes that without Dan, he suddenly feels cold. He then sits up too, choosing to cross his legs and face Dan.

"I'm sure they are, but Phil… I mean… What will they even think? Do you always bring random people when you go visit?"

Phil's eyes widen. His gaze then drops down, focusing on the mess of blankets they're still somewhat wrapped in. No, he's never brought anyone else over to his parents' house when visiting them.

"I could just use the company, that's all. My parents…" He pauses, again trying to find the right words. "Combined with Martyn… I mean, they all want the best for me, but it's a little exhausting. Sometimes."

Admitting to his own family being somewhat exhausting is quite taxing on Phil, and it sends him into a small spiral of guilt. Lost in his thoughts, he doesn't realise how long they're both silent for until Dan finally interrupts the quiet.

"I get that. I kinda hate meeting my parents, to be honest. Not always, just—just like, _lately_."

Phil looks up with a start. They pretty much never discuss personal matters, and it doesn’t seem like they will start now, because Dan says nothing else.

"I don't _hate_ meeting them," Phil clarifies, because he hates being unfair. "I miss them a lot. I'm just—I don't know how to answer all their questions, I guess? I don’t know, I think I’m not making sense."

Dan merely nods, as if he understands. He's chewing on his bottom lip, absently running his fingers through the folds in the blanket they're sat on.

If he does meet Phil's eyes, it's only for a few seconds at a time. It doesn't take long for Phil to figure out that Dan won't say anything else until he does.

"Dan…" he finally prompts, capturing his attention. "Just as a friend? It would be—I really think it'd be fun to have you there! You'll have your own room and all, no one will—no one will _assume_. I mean, other than my brother, but you can kick him in the face if you like. I'm already planning on it."

His voice is light and tender, but when Dan finally stops averting his gaze, Phil has to school his features, because he appears really serious. Dan stares at him, clearly on the fence on the matter. Phil is fresh out of arguments, and he doesn't have anything up his sleeve to help him win Dan over. It's all up to Dan.

"You wouldn't rather bring anyone else? I mean, you barely know me."

 _Do I?_ he thinks, but does not say it out loud.

"No," Phil replies simply. That much he knows is true.

With a long sigh that ends in a tired smile, Dan finally says, "Fine. I don't really get why, but fine. I've got nothing else to do anyway. But you have to make bloody sure they know we're not dating."

It's not a very enthusiastic response, but Phil will take it, especially when combined with a tentative sort of happiness visible in Dan's eyes.

 

-

_Thursday_

Phil rings the doorbell, and he doesn't have to wait long for Dan to appear. He smiles, a response that he finds is the norm now when he sees Dan, and receives a smile in return.

They haven't seen each other since Tuesday. Why does it feel like a long time?

"Hey," Dan says, a light expression on his face.

"Hi."

Dan greets him wearing nothing but a simple, baggy jumper and Sonic the Hedgehog themed pants that Phil had seen him wear before. Phil follows him inside, walking towards the lounge, stupidly captivated by the sight of Dan wearing something so casual. At work, he always looks so smart in all these button-ups. Now, in Phil's eyes, he is a whole different Dan.

It's the contrast, he thinks. Much like when Dan wore his clothes.

Tuesday. _Definitely_ a long time.

Phil stops in his tracks and drops his bag on the floor, which makes Dan turn around to face him, and the response is immediate. He doesn't know who starts it. It merely takes two seconds for their lips to collide, and once they start, they cannot seem to stop.

Phil's hands are wrapped around Dan's waist as he starts walking, or rather stumbling backwards, all the while unbuttoning Phil's shirt. Meanwhile, Phil struggles to simultaneously guide Dan towards the lounge and keep their lips locked. Trusting Phil with something like that is not a good idea, however, and Dan falls backwards onto the sofa before Phil even realises how close it is. Dan simultaneously hisses from pain and laughs at the situation. Seeing that he's okay, Phil follows him onto the sofa, propping himself with his arms so that he can hover above Dan.

 

Once they are aligned, they smile at each other, and Phil's heart skips a beat. It's only natural. Dan _is_ very attractive, Phil had never denied him that, not even in the days when he didn't like him as a person all that much.

He loses himself in the brown eyes that look at him with a mixture of desire and playfulness. Deliberately, he takes Dan's bottom lip in between both of his and bites lightly, all without breaking eye contact. Dan swallows thickly, but he can't help smiling into the kiss that follows.

"Hello," Dan repeats nonsensically, his breath hot against Phil's lips.

"Hey," Phil echoes.

Phil continues to gaze into Dan's eyes, somewhat surprised when Dan doesn't look away. It's Phil that eventually backs down. There's no point in staring at each other when they could be doing something else.

He kisses Dan deeply, slipping his tongue past the zip of Dan's mouth, reveling in the sound that escapes his throat. Dan pulls him down, arms wrapped around Phil's neck, and tugs on his hair as Phil begins to kiss his way down Dan's neck, adding suction in a spot near his collarbones.

He likes to leave Dan hickeys in hidden places, although he can't really say why.

 

They don't talk. Phil gets rid of Dan's jumper while Dan helps him out of his shirt. When Dan begins to grind into him, Phil hastily removes his own jeans. There is a smirk on his face when he continues to kiss his way down Dan's body, eventually tugging at his pants with his teeth. He's unsuccessful, of course. This kind of thing sounds sexy, but rarely works out, especially for someone as uncoordinated as Phil. Impatient, he removes Dan's underwear and looks up, taking in the sight before him.

Warmth spills all over his body when their eyes meet again. Dan is biting his lip, watching  Phil with dark, hooded eyes.

Phil doesn't want to look anymore. He focuses on what they both do best and stops thinking too much.

 

-

 

They are both sitting in Dan's bed, in just their pants, eating popcorn and occasionally chucking pieces of it at each other. They're far too tired for another round. Phil staying the night was agreed on beforehand, so at least _that_ doesn't need to be discussed. Dan, however, brings up their trip yet again.

"I'm still not sure about tomorrow," Dan says tentatively.

"Come on, what about your plane ticket?" Phil reasons. He tries not to let on just how much he _doesn't_ want Dan to back out of their plan to go to Isle of Man together.

"Yeah, but I mean… It's risky, Phil. We're—we're kind of like, walking a thin line here, you know?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," Dan retorts, "I spend most of my time with you, and if we're not fucking, we're actually hanging out. And now you invite me to see your parents? This isn't what we agreed on."

Phil winces at the word _fucking_ , but doesn't comment on it.

"I told you like a hundred times, it's meaningless, Dan. We'll just… we'll just hang out as two mates, yeah? So I don't have to constantly talk about work, and _you_ can talk about it instead."

Dan rolls his eyes, but clearly without irritation. "Walking a thin line, really. Right now, I can't think of a thing that I used to do with my ex that I don't already do with you."

Phil blinks twice, semi-floored by the mention of an ex that he had never heard of before. He both wants to hear more, and doesn't.

"I can think of loads!" he protests, too much of a coward to ask Dan to say more.

"Oh yeah? Name some."

Phil tries to remember something worth mentioning. He was never the type of person to hang out with his partner every single day, and Dan is right, they spend a lot of time together now. Isn't that fine, though? Back in Manchester, he would hang out with his mates on most days. Of course, _those_ mates he never slept with, but still.

Dan's expression changes into triumphant as Phil fails to come up with a response, so he has to hurry.

"Well, we have no feelings for each other, for one." Dan reluctantly nods. "We rarely go anywhere together, we just watch shows, play games, and…"

"And fuck, you can say it," Dan says with amusement.

"And _enjoy PG-18 activities_."

Dan snorts, shaking his head at Phil. "Yeah, well, _maybe_. Do your parents know we're not dating?"

"Yes, Dan. I already told them the first twenty times you told me to."

"Just don't want them to like, have expectations," Dan mutters, but Phil gets it. Dan mainly doesn't want _Phil_ to have expectations, which is alright, because he completely doesn't. He's already come a long way with Dan, to a point where them being friends doesn't seem like a fever dream anymore.

"You're so annoying," Phil says, stuffing his mouth with popcorn.

"You're _more_ annoying. Seriously, Phil."

"You're most annoying!"

"Yeah well, this is my flat, so you're the most annoying, fuck you, and be quiet."

Phil pretends to gasp in shock, then on impulse, proceeds to dump the remaining popcorn on Dan's head.

For a moment, Dan merely sits there, stunned. He looks dead behind the eyes for all of two seconds, then he is just fighting laughter. Phil is less successful – he starts laughing right off the bat, picking a popcorn kernel out of Dan's curly hair.

Dan, unable to resist, joins Phil in his laughter, hitting his arm. He makes no attempt to clean up the bed.

"I think you're the weirdest person I've ever met." It sounds like a compliment.

"Thanks, Dan."

Dan, shaking his head, stands up and starts pushing Phil to do the same.

"Get off, you weirdo. You're changing the sheets."

 

-

 

Phil stays the night. They agreed on that a few days ago, deciding to just go to the airport together, as Dan lives closer to it.

Hours later when they turn off the light and go to sleep, Phil can't find the courage to pull Dan close the way he did over the weekend. He was sick then; Dan felt sorry for him. It's different now. The rules are still in place.

However, when Dan falls asleep and Phil still can't, he allows himself the pleasure of simply looking at him, admiring the way he looks when asleep.

And Phil is thinking. About tomorrow, the weekend, and that thing Dan said earlier. That thing about the ex.

 

-

 

"We're going to be late!"

Phil is panicking. At this rate, they are really going to miss their plane.

"I can't find my charger!"

"Why didn't you just pack _yesterday?_ "

Dan rolls his eyes, and continues digging through his drawers.

"Dan, I really don't think your charger will be in _there_ ," Phil reasons. He checks the time. They should've left about fifteen minutes ago.

"Just help me look," Dan orders more than requests, but as Phil is already panicking, he does it without a word.

Five more minutes feel like ten hours. Dan's apartment is a complete mess now, with clothes thrown all over the place, cupboards left open (courtesy of Phil), sheets tossed on the floor. No charger to be found.

"Where the fuck is it? I can't go without my charger…"

Phil presses his palms into his eyes. He already suggested that Dan just use his charger, but apparently, Phil's older model of iPhone takes a different one. Great.

"We've literally looked everywhere. Have you double checked your suitcase?" he suggests tiredly. He begins to consider checking if there will be a later flight they could get on if they miss this one.

"Of course I've—wait…" Dan runs up to his suitcase, tosses everything out on the floor, and at the very bottom of it, finds his bloody charger. "Right."

Phil counts to ten in his head, and says nothing. Wordlessly, he joins Dan by the bed, and starts helping him pack everything back up.

"Sorry," Dan whispers when Phil hands him the last piece of clothing.

Exhaling, Phil replies, "Dan, it’s fine. Come on, we have to go."

 

-

 

"There you bloody are! I almost thought you weren't coming!" Martyn shouts above the noise in the airport as Phil approaches them, Dan in tow.

"We've had, um, a little packing problem," Phil explains.

Martyn immediately brightens. "Ooh, a _packing_ problem. Is that the same thing as your _laundry_ problem?"

"Martyn! Leave him alone!" Cornelia yells at her husband, pushing past him to give Phil a hug. "Hi Phil! And Dan! Come here, you!"

Dan seems a little stunned to receive a hug as well, but returns it willingly. Meanwhile, Phil looks down at the twin stroller, smiling big as he sees his nieces.

"Hey, you two! I think you've grown!" Phil exclaims happily. He grabs Sophie's hand, gives it a little shake, then does the same with Lizzie. To his surprise, Dan also greets the girls, having already said hi to Martyn. Phil watches Dan interact with his nieces, trying not to find it as endearing as it really is.

"Right, we've all said hi, we have to move right the fu—" Martyn stops, glancing at Cornelia, who is glaring at him. "Right the… right the _now_."

 

Once they're all safely on the plane, Phil finally manages to catch his breath. He'd never thought it could be so stressful to travel back home. Apparently, Dan makes everything difficult.

Phil can't even find the strength to be mad at him. He'll think about it later.

 

Phil ends up sat next to Cornelia and the girls, while Martyn and Dan sit in the next row. Phil's patience continues to be tested as his nieces really don't seem to enjoy flying, and he occasionally hears Martyn say something idiotic. He does, however, also hear Dan's laughter, so maybe it's not so bad.

Thirty minutes into their flight, the girls have calmed down thanks to Cornelia's attempts and Phil's help. Phil's help amounts to telling them funny stories and pretending to be a giraffe, but apparently it kind of works.

"You're so good with them," Cornelia remarks with a smile.

"I'm a little scared of them, to be honest," Phil admits. "I could, I don't know, drop them, or hurt their feelings, or forget to feed them—"

Cornelia laughs quietly. "Wow, remind me never to ask you to babysit them again!"

"But I'm always very careful around them!"

"You're fine, Phil. They adore you."

Phil smiles at her. He does like children well enough, but that doesn't make him any less terrified.

"It's mutual, I promise."

Cornelia grins, but her expression grows tender as she glances downwards. Phil's gaze follows hers, and he takes note of the fact that she seems to have a bump that definitely wasn't there before.

He looks up, surprised, and he doesn't even have to ask. She beams at him, nodding wordlessly.

"Are you…?" She nods. "That's—that's _amazing_!" he exclaims, then schools himself when he finds Dan and Martyn turning around in their seats.

"You told him? Oh, good. I was waiting for it," Martyn says with a smile. Dan stares at him in confusion.

"Why haven't you told me sooner?" Phil demands. His gaze is flitting excitedly between Cornelia and what little he can see of Martyn.

"We only had the first scan yesterday," she explains. "We want to tell your parents tonight."

"Amazing!" Phil repeats, then leans over so that he can give Cornelia a little hug, careful not to squish her too hard.

"What'd I miss?" Dan asks.

"Cornelia is pregnant!" Phil announces a little too loudly. A few other passengers turn in their direction. He flushes, sending Cornelia an apologetic look, but she clearly doesn't mind.

"Oh, um, congratulations!" Dan says timidly.

Phil turns back to Cornelia. "What if it's twins again?"

"Then you'll move in and become our full-time nanny," Martyn suggests.

"Yeah, I'm not sure that's such a good idea," Dan pitches in.

Phil is about to respond, when a lady from the row behind them stands up and demands, "Excuse me, could you please be quiet? I'm _trying_ to sleep."

Dan rolls his eyes around the same time as Phil does, but they all keep it down from then on. Their flight is landing soon, anyway. Phil spends the rest of it in a quiet conversation with Cornelia, thrilled at the prospect of having yet another family member.

Happiness is not all that he feels, even though he'd deny it if asked. In the back of his head, he can't help thinking that despite being only two years apart in age, Martyn's got his life perfectly sorted, while his is still going nowhere.

 

-

 

Phil doesn't get to talk to Dan much while they're on their way to his parents' house, so he can't make sure that Martyn hadn't told him any horrid things, the way Martyn likes to do. However, the subtle looks Phil casts his way tell him that he seems quite content.

They all take great care of Cornelia, making sure she carries nothing at all despite her protests. Dan helps out with the girls, keeping them entertained throughout the car ride by talking about music and humming little bits of songs, which means nothing to them, but a lot to Phil.

When they arrive and step outside the car, Phil takes in the familiar sight, and finally breathes freely. London is his home by now, but he hates how rarely he gets to see his parents.

 

His parents' house is beautifully situated next to a little lake. It's white, with huge windows and grey roof tiles, big enough to house their entire party. He briefly glances at Dan, who seems a little uncomfortable as he takes in the surroundings. As Martyn and Cornelia make their way towards the house, Phil joins Dan, walking beside him.

"You alright?" Phil asks him quietly.

"I'm really not sure I should be here… I mean, this is clearly a family thing," Dan mutters, looking down as he walks.

"My parents love all my friends," he assures him, despite the fact that his parents hadn't seen his friends in years. "Mum was happy there'll be someone else to talk to. She's a real chatterbox."

Dan smiles softly, but doesn't look up to meet Phil's eyes.

They're already at the door when Phil decides to say, "Thanks for coming with me, Dan."

Phil takes advantage of not being seen and grabs Dan’s hand, softly squeezing it for a few seconds before letting go.

"’s alright," Dan mumbles softly. He bumps Phil’s shoulder with his as they make their way to the door.

"Oh, my children!" his mum exclaims the moment Martyn knocks on the door. "Martyn! Cornelia! Phil! My little girls! Oh, you never visit your old mother, do you! Come here, come here!"

Phil's dad is right behind her, beaming at them, helping them with their suitcases while she hugs them all to death. When it's Dan's turn, Phil proceeds to introduce him.

"Mum, dad, this is Dan, my coworker. My parents, Kath and Nigel," he says, stuttering a little.

"Hello, it's so nice to meet you both!" Dan exclaims with the most polite smile Phil had ever seen on his face.

"Finally, Phil never brings his friends here! It's lovely to meet you!" Kath hugs him too, then begins ushering them all inside. "Right, so, dinner's almost ready. Leave your things in the hall, you can take care of all that later. Oh, it's so good to see you!"

With a smile, Phil follows his mum, who wraps an arm around him and starts saying things like _my little boy_ , which are horrid to listen to with Dan around. He searches for Dan's eyes, and obviously, finds them twinkling with amusement as he quietly sniggers at Phil.

 

-

 

Martyn and Cornelia break out the good news at dinner, which ensures that Phil doesn't get questioned about anything. His parents mean well, but they do often ask about his job, his future, and other things Phil prefers not to think about. Thankfully, all that matters today is Cornelia and the upcoming addition to the Lester clan.

 

Phil is not even sat next to Dan, despite wanting to be. His mum makes Dan sit between herself and Martyn. If you ask Phil, there's no worse place for Dan to be, but at least they're sitting across from each other. This allows Phil to observe Dan easily.

Once all the possible questions regarding the baby have been exhausted, Kath turns her attention to Dan, while Nigel talks to Cornelia.

"So, Daniel…" Kath begins, surveying him with a curious smile.

"Dan," Phil corrects her automatically. He then ignores Martyn's pointed looks.

"Oh, sorry, Dan. It's really nice to finally meet an actual friend of my youngest child. I swear I haven't seen a single one since we moved away."

Phil tilts his head back, shuts his eyes and sighs. His mum is lovely, but just like Martyn, she loves embarrassing him. Unlike his brother, she doesn't mean to, so Phil can't even be annoyed.

Phil doesn't miss the playful gleam in Dan's eyes, but when Dan responds, he's the very picture of politeness. His voice is articulate and respectful, as are the words he chooses. It sounds so unnatural when you compare it to the Dan that Phil knows – the one that laughs at Phil for not wanting to say _fuck_.

"Thank you for having me, Mrs. Lester. You have a beautiful home."

Phil pretends to cough and covers his mouth, because he's about to burst into laughter.

"Why, thank you, I'm quite fond of it myself," she agrees with a grin. "But please, do call me Kath. I may be a nan, but I don't want to feel like one."

"You don't look like one at all," Dan says charmingly.

"Oh! Phil, where have you been hiding this one? He's nicer to me than my own husband!" Kath exclaims, catching Nigel's attention.

"Please, do not flatter her too much, Dan. She'll use it against me later," Phil's dad says, clearly joking. Dan raises his eyebrows at first, but his lips soon stretch into a smile.

"I'm only stating what I see," Dan replies easily. So far he gets along with Phil's parents better than Phil himself does.

Martyn pitches in, "Dan, for real, you need to stop. Cornelia is supposed to be the favourite spouse in this family."

Dan is caught off-guard, but Phil, having spent many years with Martyn, is quicker to react.

"She's the _only_ spouse in this family, Mar."

"Yeah, but—"

Cornelia joins Phil in preventing disaster and requests, "Martyn, darling, could you go fetch some baby wipes from the girls' bag? Soph's got oatmeal all over her."

Martyn doesn't argue, although his expression tells Phil he's seen right through her. On his way out of the room, he leans down and kisses her forehead, whispering something in her ear. She giggles, shakes her head, and nudges Phil.

"Right, Dan, so you work with my son?" Nigel asks him.

"Well, we work at the same company," Dan clarifies. "But I'm in the law department."

Nigel lights up when he hears this. "Oh, a lawyer? That's a very good career choice."

Phil's career had never been a _good career choice_ , but it wouldn't be fair to complain. His parents always accepted him and his decisions; they just had bigger plans for him, he supposes.

Dan glances at Phil, then back to Nigel. "I'm still an intern, it's really nothing."

"You're a modest one, aren't you," Kath comments. "Fine, Nigel, stop making him uncomfortable. I say after dinner we drink some wine and I show Dan the albums."

Oh, _no_. The albums are photo albums filled with baby pictures of Phil and Martyn. Phil is about to protest, but his mum knows him too well.

"Phil, no arguing at the dinner table, child!" she shouts before he even gets to speak. She then turns back to Dan. "I love showing old photos to our guests. I bet you will love seeing Phil when he was just a wee little baby."

Dan's smile grows impossibly wide, stretching his cheeks. "Oh, that would be _lovely_ , thank you," he says in that strange posh accent of his.

It's a lost cause. Phil doesn't bother arguing, because his mum does show the albums to anyone that cares to look, and there's nothing he can do.

Dan continues to win over the crowd, especially Phil's mum. He does it by asking questions, replying when asked, and complimenting each and every dish. Phil wonders if this is just how Dan normally behaves around people – he tries to compare this version of Dan to the one he knows from work, but it's impossible. It's like they're two different people sharing the same body.

 

Once they've eaten, Cornelia leaves for a bit to put the girls to bed, and the rest of the family plays Scrabble. Dan joins them too, this time sitting next to Phil, mocking his choices of words good-naturedly along with the others.

It's easy, all this. Easier than Phil thought. Sitting next to Dan, in Phil's family home, watching Dan charm his parents in record time. Watching Dan talk with Martyn and brush off all the teasing that Phil should seriously kick him in the crotch for. Just watching Dan being Dan with other people that mean a lot to Phil.

He doesn't get it, he doesn't. Which Dan is the real Dan? The one that almost didn't go, or the one that went and seems to greatly enjoy it?

 

The night progresses with some wine (or in Cornelia’s case, water) and board games, his mum and dad telling stories that everyone except Dan has already heard before, but they humour them anyway. Luckily, the album is left for the next day, so at least there’s that.

Around midnight, Phil's parents announce that they'll be heading to bed.

"Phil, love, you'll show Dan to the guest room?" Kath asks him, standing on her tiptoes and ruffling his hair as if he was still a little boy.

Phil can't deny being happy with such a turn of events. He'll be alone with Dan, maybe talk to him, and see how he feels about this entire day. That is, if Dan tells him. It's not like Dan is all that open with Phil.

Or is he? Phil is still thinking of what he said last night, about his ex. It's not a conscious decision for Phil to keep being curious. It's just… There are so many pieces missing from this puzzle, and this one is in his sight, but still out of reach. It's frustrating.

  

They say their good nights, and Dan wordlessly follows Phil up the stairs to the guest room.

Once they're inside, Phil shuts the door. Dan sets his bag down and sits on the bed, looking around the room before at last turning to Phil.

For a moment, they regard each other in silence. Dan seems a little worse for wear, but the tired smile that blooms on his face seems to be genuine as ever.

"You've got awesome parents, Phil," Dan says earnestly.

"They'll probably say the same thing about you," Phil replies. He then realises how that sounds, so he adds, "That _you_ are awesome, I mean, not that your parents are."

"Do they think we're—"

" _No_ , definitely not."

"But that thing your brother said earlier? Won’t they think anything of it?"

"I don’t think they really noticed."

In truth, Phil hadn't spoken to his mum, but it's fairly obvious that there is nothing between him and Dan, no matter what Martyn says. He trusts her not to jump to silly conclusions based on a joke. His dad, on the other hand, won't even care to ponder it at all.

Was he right to bring Dan here? Is this really okay?

"Do you hate it here?" Phil blurts out the first thing that comes to mind.

Dan frowns at him. "No, 'course not. I told you, you've got a cool family."

Phil walks over to the bed and sits down next to Dan.

They're silent for a moment. Phil finds himself torn between far too many conflicting emotions to be able to name even one. He's just tired at this point. It's been a long day.

On the other hand, it's nice to be here, with Dan. He'll have to go to his own room soon, but for now, he will stay a few minutes longer.

Dan falls back onto the bed, his legs still on the floor, and tilts his head towards Phil. Phil mirrors his position, so that they are both laid on their backs, with faces turned towards each other.

It would be so easy to just kiss Dan right now.

Dan's eyes seek out Phil's, locking the moment they meet. He licks his lips absentmindedly.

"I think I prefer being alone with you, though," Dan whispers eventually.

Phil's got a lump in his throat that makes it difficult for him to speak. All that he manages to say is a quiet _yeah_. Silence falls again, as Phil tries to gather his thoughts.

"You never lived in this house?" Dan asks him quietly, changing subjects.

"No, they got it after I moved out."

Dan breaks eye contact. He reaches out and grabs Phil's hand, holding it in his, rubbing little circles with his thumb. Phil doesn't stop him, but he also doesn't do anything to escalate this seemingly insignificant caress.

Dan seems lost in thought as he mutters, "Your parents are so different from mine."

"What are yours like?" Phil whispers.

"Just different."

Phil, previously passive, now squeezes Dan's hand. He brings it up to his lips and begins kissing it, digit after digit, while Dan watches him, entranced.

Dan sighs. "Rule two, Phil."

"Sorry."

"We've broken it so many times. It's a lost cause."

"Does that mean we can just drop it?" Phil asks hopefully. Dan grins at him in response.

"No, it means we should stop what we're doing right now."

Phil stops, but does not let go of Dan's hand, and Dan does nothing to pull it away. On the contrary, he turns to lie on the side, scoots over closer, and looks Phil right in the eye.

Phil doesn't know what it is that Dan wants to do, but it’s not difficult to figure out. He nods.

Seeing that, Dan slowly leans in, locking his lips with Phil's. They both keep their eyes open until the very last second.

 

Dan tastes of wine, sugar, coffee and something that feels like home by now. Every muscle in Phil's body slowly relaxes as their lips meet over and over, slowly kissing without much purpose.

Phil allows himself to forget that they're not alone in the house and loses himself in this. His hands begin to roam, but he is in no hurry to make things progress. This time, he just wants to kiss Dan, to keep on doing this until they both can't anymore.

 

It doesn't last all that long.

They're both startled when they hear some noise in the hall. Apparently, the others are not yet asleep.

With a long sigh, Dan puts an end to what they are doing and falls back onto the bed, his breaths quickened and uneven.

"Like I said, Phil," he says, his voice hoarse. "Thin line. We—we need to do better."

 _Do we?_ Phil thinks, but he says nothing. It's not a thin line, is it? They're fine. However, it reminds him of the conversation from last night, of that thing Dan said about his ex.

He _does_ want to know more, but asking Dan questions is often pretty pointless. Dan just doesn't respond, or he responds in a way that only serves to confuse Phil. But now, after this day…

After a few glasses of wine… Phil is a little braver, and a little more daft.

Dan's lips are just as intoxicating as the alcohol he had been drinking throughout the evening. Dan's eyes are two pools of mystery to Phil, and his curiosity begins to get the best of him. He wants to know more about this ex. He wants to know how Dan feels right now.

He breaks the prolonged silence and asks the question before he changes his mind.

"Dan, what happened with you and your ex?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for commenting on the previous chapter. I love you all for reading this! Comments are still super appreciated, and [reblogs on tumblr](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/178519522820/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-14-bravery) are too, if you feel like it! :)
> 
> A massive thank you to my beta [insectbah](https://insectbah.tumblr.com), who seriously improved this chapter so much. Your encouragement means the world to me <3


	15. denial

The tension that sets in once Phil's asked the question is immediate, and it's definitely _not_ the good kind of tension.

The room falls silent; the only thing Phil hears is the soft rustle of sheets beneath Dan's body as he pushes himself fully onto the bed. Phil does the same thing without a word.

He regrets ever asking. He doesn't even have to look at Dan in order to know that he doesn't want to talk about this. He can feel it in the air, in the way Dan doesn't say anything for a moment that seems to last forever, in the way he inhales sharply.

But wasn't Dan the one to mention it first? And even if that is true, does that give Phil permission to overstep boundaries? Watching shows and having sex is something different than the kind of conversation this question could start. Then again, why is that so bad? Phil doesn't know. It's hard to tell what's wrong or right when it comes to Dan.

Something in the back of Phil's head tells him that this _is_ wrong for another reason, but he hadn't fully realised it up until now. Boundaries, rules, all that stuff – it doesn't matter. What matters is Dan feeling comfortable, at ease. Without as much as a word between them, Phil knows that Dan is not okay with this. Maybe not directly because of Phil, but still not okay.

 

Dan makes a point out of sighing heavily, bringing his forearm up to cover his eyes. Phil keeps his gaze glued to the ceiling, for once not wanting to look at Dan.

Why did it even bother him so much, that remark about Dan's ex? Dan is far more complex than Phil first imagined, and answering one stupid question will not change that. It's not some great mystery for Phil to solve; it's Dan's life.

This is not on the same level as inviting Dan here, he realises. It's digging through his past for no reason other than to sate Phil's curiosity. Because why else would he care?

Phil doesn't prompt Dan to respond, even though he is really taking his time. After a minute or so passes, Phil starts to prepare a little apologetic speech.

Things were never meant to be serious between them. Even as friends, it was clear they both strived to keep it fun. Talking about your ex is usually the very _opposite_ of fun.

 

But still…

Is Dan still in love with the ex? Could that be the reason why he doesn't…

 

When Dan eventually speaks, it's not what Phil expected to hear. "I knew you'd ask me about this. I'm surprised you lasted this long."

"We don't have to talk about this," Phil rushes to say. "I'm sorry, Dan." Suddenly, he doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't want to know. Not knowing is easy, familiar by now, but knowing means that there is no going back, and he doesn't like that.

"What do you even mean, ' _what happened'_?" Dan asks, ignoring Phil. "What could possibly have happened? We were together, and then we broke up."

Phil ponders whether he should be curious or cautious. "It's just…" He pauses, still unsure as to the best course of action. "I guess I'm trying to understand you better."

Phil takes a risk and tilts his head towards Dan, finding him with eyes trained on the ceiling. Dan surely feels that Phil is watching him, but he doesn't acknowledge it.

"What is there to understand?"

"A lot? Anything, really? I mean—I mean, Dan, it's not like—it's not like you give me much to go on."

Dan looks to the side, studying Phil for a few seconds, then sighs heavily.

"I really don't, do I," Dan mumbles, but it sounds as if he's talking to himself rather than Phil.

Phil does want to know, but he doesn't. He does want to push, but he doesn't. He has one more question he _really_ wants to ask, but he…

"I don't know why I even mentioned him, really," Dan mutters after a long stretch of silence. "You're nothing like him."

Dan's voice is rough around the edges, strained. He doesn't sound annoyed, just tired.

Phil, on the other hand, is rendered speechless.

Is this what this is?

Is this why…

Is this why Dan won't date him? Because he's nothing like Dan's ex?

Of course, Phil is aware of the rules. He never wanted to date Dan, but—but the point is, he wasn't the one that was opposed to it _first_ , and he never fully understood, did he? But now—now, it's all starting to make sense.

Is this a rebound, then? Is that what Phil is to Dan? Is he still not over the guy?

No, no. He's overreacting, his thoughts are racing one after another in a frantic rush. But that's on the inside. On the outside, they're still laid right by each other, both their arms and legs touching, and he… he feels _something_. He doesn't know what, but he feels it. And it makes him feel alone.

 

Why is he so certain of this, of Dan finding him inadequate? And more importantly, why does it even matter?

"I can hear you thinking," Dan intercepts his train of thought. Phil blinks, pulled back to reality. "Why does it matter, Phil? Why did you even ask me?"

Phil abruptly pulls himself up and sits with his back against the headboard, knees drawn to his chest. Dan too props himself up on his elbows and sits up with a nearly inaudible groan, turning so that he can face Phil. Phil's gaze finds Dan's and holds it.

"Do you still love him?" Phil blurts out, words falling from his lips so quickly that they nearly blend into one another.

Fuck. _Fuck_. Why does it even matter? Why is he pushing Dan? He shouldn't be! If Dan still loves the guy and has a history with him, then Phil might be hurting Dan by doing this. It's reckless and senseless and… and he should stop.

Why does he, despite all that, still want to know? Or _does_ he want to?

What if Dan still—

"No," is all Dan says.

Phil's got himself worked up into such a state, he doesn't even control his mouth as it continues to form the next question.

"Am I hurting you?"

Dan juts his chin forward as he sits in a similar position to Phil: knees drawn to his chest, hugging them.

"I just don't get what you're trying to achieve," Dan admits.

"I—I guess I'm wondering if—" Holy fuck, is he really going to say this? He's not even properly thinking it. He's certainly not _supposed_ to be thinking it. "Is this why you don't want to date… anyone? Because of your ex?"

"Why are we even having this conversation?" Dan finally snaps. His head falls backwards as he rocks back and forth a few times. "We meet up for sex. We're friends. We don't—we don't have to discuss the past, do we?"

"I'm just trying to understand, Dan." Phil tries to keep his voice indifferent, but he knows he's failed when he feels himself trembling slightly.

Why is he so affected by this?

Dan's voice is several levels quieter when he asks the next question. "I thought you were on board with this… this whole concept?"

Phil doesn't answer. He asks something else.

"Is this why you won't try to… Be with me? Because I'm not like your ex?"

 

If he thought the room felt quiet when this conversation had started, he has to stand corrected now, because he can't even hear his own breathing. It's as if this one question knocked the wind out of them both.

Dan's expression changes rapidly a few times. He almost starts to say something, then pauses immediately. Phil, on the other hand, is too stunned to even take the question back. Then again, can he? He can't. He's already said it.

But why? Why did he even…

"Do you _want_ to date me?" Dan asks at last. Phil's heart skips a singular, lonely beat; but the way this is spoken tells him that it's certainly not an offer. Dan sounds dubious, maybe a little annoyed.

"I just want to know why you don't want to date _me_."

"I already told you. Several times."

Phil sighs. His resolve is melting. Was there even a resolve to begin with? He doesn't want to hurt Dan, doesn't want to push him. Doesn't want to sabotage their friendship just for the sake of knowing what the fuck is wrong with him that makes him so undateable in Dan's eyes.

"Dan, I…" Phil stops, juggling several different responses. In the end, the one he settles for is undoubtedly the right one, if he doesn't want to keep pushing Dan for his own selfish reasons. "I don't want to hurt you."

Dan releases a long breath. His face visibly relaxes, but he still looks tired.

"I know."

Phil gives up. "Let's just—let's just drop this."

Phil allows himself to finally focus his gaze on his own hands. He is tapping a nervous rhythm on the covers of the bed.

He hears Dan shift closer, but he stubbornly doesn't look up. Until Phil himself knows what is hiding behind all these questions, he certainly doesn't want Dan to examine him too closely. Just in case.

"Phil."

"I'm sorry…"

"Phil…" Dan stops, exhales, and speaks again. "I didn't mean it like—I didn't mean you were _worse_ than my ex. You're better, Phil. You're so much better."

Phil's head was previously tipped downwards, but he sits up straight now, blinking in surprise.

Why is his heart racing so? What is this pull in the pit of his stomach? He almost feels like he's going to be sick, but that's not it. He's thinking too much, driving himself up the wall. He's got to stop.

He peers into Dan's eyes, and Dan doesn't shy away from it.

"Then why don't you…" he trails off, knowing he doesn't need to finish.

"We both said we don't want to."

"I know."

"I told you, Phil. I'm a shit boyfriend. It's got nothing to do with you."

Phil chews on his bottom lip. Nothing makes sense. Not his own thoughts, not Dan, not this whole thing.

He doesn't want to be with Dan. He really _doesn't_.

"Why do you say that?" he asks without truly expecting a response.

"Because it's true."

"Did you cheat on him?"

Dan snorts, rolling his eyes and shaking his head. It all looks quite forced. "Fucking hell, Phil. Quit watching all these stupid films. No, I didn't cheat, okay? Anyway, it's been two years, I don't see the point in talking about this."

Two years? _Two_?

"You haven't—you've been single for two years?" Phil repeats in shock.

"Why is that so weird?"

"And you still don't want anyone?"

Dan seems taken aback. He shuts his eyes for a few seconds, and when he opens them, Phil could swear that he is able to see right into his soul. Phil is certainly not keeping it as guarded as he should be right now. Dan, despite the tiredness, looks at him as though he is important, precious even. Phil can't stand it.

Phil wants to kiss him, and it doesn't have to lead anywhere, and that in itself is scary.

But as seconds pass, Dan's expression hardens, and Phil knows what he is about to hear.

"I don't."

Oh.

Why did he even ask?

This is tiring, exhausting, for them both. Dan is less of an open book than Phil is, but Phil knows him enough to see the subtle changes. Phil is overstaying his welcome, so to speak, pushing boundaries and breaking rules they never even set in the first place.

"I want you," Dan adds, and that moment of pause is just enough for Phil to be upset when he continues. "I want you the way I wanted you since the start, like… like what we have now."

Phil sounds weary as he replies, "Yeah."

He pretends to be studying the pattern of the carpet in the room. He pretends to be twiddling his thumbs. He pretends to be okay.

He pretends not to care when Dan's fingers brush his shoulder, only to be placed underneath his chin. The touch is… electric. Always. Even now. Dan forces Phil to look up and face him.

"Do _you_ want something else?"

Dan's voice is gentle and kind. If Phil didn't know better, he might have even called it affectionate.

They had an agreement.

They had rules. By now, off the top of his head, he only remembers three of them.

One, don't fall in love.

Two, no kissing or touching. Yeah. That's working out well for them.

And then, there's the last one.

 

He doesn't want to be with Dan. He really doesn't.

 _You're so much better_.

He _doesn't_.

"No."

Dan once again inhales sharply. A shade of hurt twists his features, but it only lasts a second. "Okay."

Dan's fingers, still under Phil's chin, move to his cheek. Dan slides his other hand upwards from Phil's shoulder until he is cupping Phil's face.

Phil can't handle looking Dan in the eyes right now.

 

He sighs with relief when Dan pulls him closer and their lips meet.

At first, it's Dan doing all the work. He kisses Phil with fervor that Phil is a bit too stunned to reciprocate. But when Dan lets go of his face and stops it all, it is Phil that chases his lips, it is Phil that pulls Dan by the shirt, closer, closer still.

This is what they do best, and this is what they _should_ do. It always helps Phil stop thinking, after all.

Phil remains sat with his back propped against the headboard. He spreads his legs, which gives Dan the space he needs to straddle him. Without asking permission, Phil pulls off Dan's shirt, and Dan does the same with his. When they're shirtless, Phil wraps his arms around Dan's middle, and breaks apart from him, trailing little kisses all the way down to the base of Dan's neck, where he sucks on the tender skin.

Dan gasps quietly, startling Phil. They're not alone. This room is rather secluded as far as the house goes, with no one directly next to them, but they still can't risk it.

Phil covers Dan's mouth with one hand, stifling the sounds that are threatening to escape it. His other hand slides down to the small of Dan's back and downwards, cupping his bum.

His jeans are already tight when Dan purposefully grinds into him and bites on his finger, which is still covering Dan's mouth.

"Take off your jeans," Phil whispers. He doesn't want to take it slow. Not today. Definitely not today.

With one final movement of his hips, Dan leaves Phil's lap and pulls off both his tight jeans and his pants, while Phil does the same with his own. They're both naked. They're both hard.

Dan's gaze immediately breaks away from Phil's eyes, finding something else to focus on.

 

Dan gets back into bed, and he doesn't even kiss Phil's lips now. He doesn't work his way down his body. Dan simply spreads Phil's legs, settles between them, and takes him into his mouth.

Pleasure shoots through Phil's body, temporarily eradicating other thoughts. It allows him to forget that perhaps this is not what he wants right now. That there are still things left unsaid, or worse yet, things he hadn't yet faced. But no, this always works. This strange feeling in his belly. This magnetic pull that existed since day one.

Dan knows what he's doing. By now, they both know what they like, which buttons to push. Dan doesn't hold back, doesn't attempt to drag it out for Phil. Phil tangles his fingers in Dan's hair, tugging forcefully. He bites his lip so hard it hurts. They can't make any noise.

Phil's close, and he still hadn't touched Dan at all.

"Stop," he breathes. "Not yet."

Dan looks up, pausing but not stopping. He waits.

"Lube?"

Dan's eyes widen. He bounces off the bed, shuffles through the contents of his bag, finding the blue bottle of lube Phil has seen many times before. The moment Dan comes back to bed, he climbs onto Phil's lap, their naked bodies pressed against one another.

When Dan's eyes lock on Phil's, Phil reaches between them to touch him. It works. Dan throws his head back, focusing on the pleasure.

Phil begins to work him while Dan leans back into him, biting his shoulder, muffling each and every sound.

"Fuck me," Dan pants, barely above a whisper. "Fuck me. Now."

Phil opens the bottle of lube, squeezing some onto his fingers, preparing Dan. It doesn't take long for him to grow impatient, to start asking Phil for more.

All that Phil sees is Dan's face, wrecked, filled with pleasure, _beautiful_.

 _No_.

He grabs Dan by the shoulder and surprises him when he forces them to change position. He all but throws Dan on the bed, settling himself between his legs, which he lifts up.

Their eyes meet again, but Phil doesn’t want to look.

"Ready?" he whispers.

Dan nods.

Phil covers Dan's mouth just in time before the first moan escapes it.

He's quick. He finds the right spot, over and over, and picks up pace. He feels Dan's eyes on him, but he keeps his own closed. It's better that way.

When he feels himself getting close, he guides Dan's hand between them, while Phil's hand remains on his mouth. He moves faster, and faster, and faster.

Dan comes first, with Phil falling over the edge almost right after.

 

Phil collapses on top of Dan, forcing his breathing down to a volume that won't wake up the rest of the house. He can't believe they just did that. In his family home. At the same time, he knows why they did it, and perhaps—perhaps they needed this.

Dan does what he did just before they started this. He cups Phil's face, fingers gently stroking his cheeks. Dan is seeking eye contact. Phil doesn't want to. Not today, not right now. And yet, he gives in, the same way he always does. Their eyes meet.

He always seems to give in when it comes to Dan.

 

There are beads of sweat traveling down both their foreheads. Dan's hair is damp, curly, while Phil's probably just a mess. Dan kisses him deliberately in that way that Phil both loves and hates.

In that way that _means something_.

Phil pulls away, falls onto the bed next to Dan.

 

He falls asleep a few minutes later, finding relief in slumber.

 

-

 

"You're up late."

Oh. Oh no. No. No. No.

It's Martyn. Finding Phil leaving the guest room. The guest room that Dan is no longer in.

 

Phil only just woke up. It's been literally two minutes. He woke up, pinched himself to make sure that he hadn't dreamt the entirety of last night, put on the same clothes he wore yesterday, and snuck out of the room in search of Dan. What for? He can't even say.

"I was tired, yeah," Phil says distractedly. He tries to look past Martyn, down the hall, to check if Dan is anywhere to be seen.

"Everyone's on the patio. It's past noon."

Phil hadn't even checked the time.

"Right, sorry. Is mum upset?"

"No, not _mum_. Everyone's fine. Your boyfriend is all sunshine and bloody rainbows today."

"He's not—"

"That's why you slept in the same room as him?"

Phil's gaze hardens. He doesn't want to talk about this, not to Dan, not to Martyn. He can hardly believe the words that fall from his mouth, but it's a good defense mechanism.

"And? We're _fuck buddies_ , Martyn. I've slept in the same bed as Dan lots of times."

"I don't believe you, and I don't see why you're hiding your relationship from _me_. I wouldn't tell mum or dad, you know that."

Martyn looks stern, but beneath all of that, Phil sees the exact thing he doesn't want right now. _Worry_.

"You can choose not to believe me, it doesn't change a thing."

"Phil, for fuck's sake. I'm not trying to like—" Martyn pauses, running his fingers through his hair. He squeezes his eyes shut, then opens them and focuses back on Phil. "I'm not being a gossip. I'm just worried about you!"

"Why would you worry about me?" Phil asks. It takes all of his strength not to just walk away from this conversation.

"You're either lying to me or you're blind."

"What are you on about?" Phil snaps.

"You spend the entire day looking at this guy like he's the one who put all the stars up in the sky, you sleep in the same bed, and then you tell me you're _friends_?" Martyn's voice dips into irritation.

The entirety of last night is far too much for Phil to process right now, and Martyn interrogating him really doesn't help. He left the room with one goal – to see Dan – and that's what he wants to do.

Perhaps he should shower and change first, though. Ideally, no one except Martyn should know where he'd spent the night.

"Why does it even matter?" Phil asks. His own behaviour reminds him a bit too much of Dan's. "Just ask Dan. He'll tell you the same thing. He's not—he's not up for like, a relationship."

"And you say there's nothing to worry about," Martyn says with a tired sigh. "He'd better not mess you up, Phil. I don't know. This—this isn't like you, I told you."

Martyn's words have a strong effect on Phil; one that he immediately chooses to bury far, far underneath his common sense.

"Martyn, it's fine. I—I mean it, I mean, this _is_ a weird arrangement, but it works. I don't have any feelings for Dan. Honestly."

Martyn crosses his arms and studies Phil for a moment too long. It ends in yet another heavy sigh.

"Yeah." Martyn walks past Phil and starts heading downstairs. While already on the steps, he says, "Go shower and change. We're waiting for you."

 

-

 

Phil rushes through his morning routine. He needs to see Dan.

Why? Haven't they gotten it all sorted the previous night? He knows they won't talk about this again. He sure as hell doesn't intend to mention any of it.

But how is Dan feeling?

Dan can say what he likes, but it's clear as day that there's more to it than meets the eye.

But why does that even bother Phil?

Will things be different between them now?

 

He all but runs downstairs and steps out onto the patio, but Dan is not there. Gone to the kitchen, his mum says.

Phil turns back swiftly and finds Dan. Dan is fetching drinks for everyone, glancing at his phone occasionally. He turns around upon hearing Phil enter the kitchen.

They look each other in the eyes.

What happened last night?

Nothing, nothing happened last night. Nothing out of the norm. So they slept together, big deal. It happens.

Dan doesn't want to be with Phil, which is fine. It's fine.

It's fine.

 

Dan seems strangely timid. He fidgets nervously under Phil’s intense stare.

"It didn't mean anything," Phil says in lieu of hello. Dan looks up with a start.

Dan stops and starts to say something, then starts again, until he finally manages to say the words; it’s like when you send someone a message and see them typing, deleting something, and then typing again.

Phil didn't know he dreaded this moment until it happened.

"I know."

And then, after a short look around to see if they’re alone, Dan crosses the kitchen and kisses him. It’s soft and quick and doesn’t last long, but it lasts just long enough for Phil to feel _something_. When they break apart, their faces remain close for a prolonged moment.

“Help me out with the drinks?” Dan whispers, and Phil knows what this means. They’re done with last night, and they’re back to what was before.

 

Wordlessly, he nods and grabs a few of the glasses, then follows Dan out onto the patio to join his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for all your comments on the previous chapter. I'm really curious what you think of this one - leave me a comment and tell me? It means the world to me :) [Reblogs on tumblr](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/178608977630/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-15-denial) are also appreciated, if you think this fic is worth sharing!
> 
> As always, a massive thank you goes to my wonderful, amazing, superawesome beta reader - [insectbah](https://insectbah.tumblr.com)! <3


	16. meaning

The next few hours aren't easy for Phil.

He sits next to Dan, but he doesn't dare look his way. He hears laughter and jokes, but he only pretends to laugh along. He wants to be alone in order to process things, but he should be with his family.

What does he even need to process? Obviously, there is nothing.

Right?

If there's nothing, then why is there such a dull ache in his heart, a feeling that tells him something is very much amiss?

Phil can't deny that he's got a lot to think about. He tells himself he knows the end result of all this thinking, but he doesn't, not really. There's more to it than he first allowed himself to admit, that much he knows.

 

Regardless, he really just needs a moment on his own, and he decides to make up an excuse. Around lunchtime, he excuses himself, saying he's got a migraine and needs to go lie down in the dark for an hour. He just barely manages to escape his mum's fussing, and leaves them all in the dining room.

Dan's insistent, questioning gaze follows him all the way up the stairs.

 

He throws himself on the bed in his room, head first, and lies face down on the pillow. The bed feels soft beneath his body, but his muscles remain tight. He feels a headache starting to form somewhere near his temples. Maybe his lie about a migraine won't be that far off.

 

The thoughts come flowing the moment he allows them to.

Last night was not good. Last night they both went and made a proper mess. Especially Phil, of course. Dan was always clear on what he wanted.

Phil wants to say that he was too, but he was not. He said one thing and thought of another, or he said too much out loud. Of course, this doesn't have to mean anything.

For one, this situation is unusual for him; Martyn is right. This thing with Dan – it never felt completely right, at least not at the beginning.

Now, it feels… No, he's not going there.

Two, it could just be his bruised ego. Dan only really wants him for his body - which is a little odd to begin with, as he's no Chris Hemsworth – but Phil wants to be…

His mind first supplies the word _loved_. Even his own thoughts are traitorous. It's a hopeless cause.

Phil wants to be admired, yeah, _admired_ , for more than just the things he can do in bed. This strange dissatisfaction probably stems from Dan not caring for him the way he wants him to.

Three, Phil is quite lonely. There's no way around this. He's known for a while, but it's not his favourite subject to think about, so it sits there buried, along with other unpleasant thoughts.

Four, this is all Martyn's fault. His brother has been ridiculous since the moment he first met Dan, and all his teasing is just beginning to get to Phil. Today was the pinnacle of his meddling. Phil is still silently fuming, because fuming is safe; it keeps him from properly thinking about his brother's words.

 

He rolls onto his back and stares at the ceiling, much the way he did last night with Dan.

It was Phil that wanted them to become friends, and he can't say that they didn't. They spend a lot of time together these days, and while most of the time they also end up in bed, it's not always the _main_ focus of the night.

Over the few short months that passed since he first met Dan down in the cafeteria, Phil has learned a lot about Dan’s boundaries. He has carefully navigated all the walls Dan had built around himself and their growing friendship. He thought he'd come to terms with the fact that he may never know more than he does right now.

If that is true, then why does he still keep pushing?

He stretches his arms, crossing them above his head, and spreads his legs out, feet dangling off the edge of the bed. He takes a deep breath and releases it in one long sigh. He's stuck in a downward spiral. He can't stop himself from thinking about Dan.

 

Dan…

Dan, with his fancy shirts, tight jeans, his posh accent, his varying moods. His curly hair, his big brown eyes, his dimples and his wide smiles. His walls, taller than the both of them put together, the questions he refuses to answer, the rules he insisted on creating.

Flipping back onto his stomach, Phil burrows his face into the pillow with a groan. He'd spend the whole day here if he could. He'd likely still be clueless about his feelings, but at least he wouldn't have to endure Martyn's watchful stare and Dan's silent questions.

Surely he doesn't have to let Martyn talk him into this ridiculous notion. It's all fine, and will continue being fine, as long as he stops acting weird around Dan. It was clear in the kitchen – they both want it to mean nothing, and it will continue to mean nothing.

Yeah. It means _nothing_. That's the best he can come up with for now.

 

A few more minutes pass, during which he tries to untangle the messy knots that reside inside his brain, when a knock on the door startles him.

"Mum, I'll come down in a sec," he calls, thinking it must be her. She always did worry about his migraines.

"Can I come in?"

He jumps up so quickly that he nearly hits his head against the headboard, then awkwardly sits properly, his feet on the carpet.

It's Dan. Possibly the last person he wants to see right now.

"Yeah," he shouts, because what else can he say?

Dan steps in seconds later and shuts the door behind him. He doesn’t move at all, he just stands there with his hand still on the door handle, completely still. Before he speaks, he bites down on his bottom lip.

"Came to check if you're okay. Your mum's worried."

Of course she is. He feels guilty for pretending to be sick and worrying her. Then again, he _does_ have a headache by now.

"I'm alright. I get migraines sometimes," he mutters. He looks down to the carpet, unwilling to meet Dan's eyes.

"Do you?"

Phil hears Dan take three soft steps, and then he feels the bed beside him dip when Dan sits next to him.

Fuck.

Dan doesn't say anything, he just sits there, but his very presence almost has a physical effect on Phil. Of course it does. It always did. It's lust.

Only… only the last thing Phil wants right now is to have sex with Dan.

"Have you decided what we're doing today?" Phil asks, if only to chase other thoughts away.

"Your mum says we should all go down to the pub while your parents stay with the girls. A live band's playing, apparently," Dan responds.

"Oh."

"Are you well enough to go?"

Phil sighs, knowing perfectly well that Dan will hear it.

"I can just go with them and leave you alone, if you like," Dan suggests when Phil doesn't reply in any other way.

Phil's being unfair. Dan doesn't even properly know Martyn or Cornelia, much less his parents. He's leaving him to his own devices, and Dan didn't even want to come here in the first place. Phil needs to quit sulking and just go. Tomorrow night they'll both be in their respective flats, and then Phil can sulk as much as he wishes.

"No, okay, let's go," he says at last, pulling himself up.

Dan stops him, grabbing his arm. Phil is taken by surprise and sits back down. On reflex, he looks at Dan instead of avoiding him, and their eyes meet.

There's a flutter that starts in his stomach and blooms across his whole body. If he said he'd never felt it before, he'd be lying. It's just that he never had the guts to acknowledge it before.

It's alright. Nothing's changed.

Dan lets go of Phil's arm. "Are we alright?"

 _Nothing's_ changed.

"Let's just—let's just forget about all that, Dan," Phil says in a strained voice. "I didn't want things to get all serious. I didn't want to hurt you."

Dan's eyes seem to darken. He looks paler than usual, weary, much like last night. He knits his brows and swallows, his adam's apple bobbing in his throat.

"Did I hurt _you_?"

Phil has to look away before he responds. "Don't be daft."

"Can I…" Dan trails off. Perhaps he's hoping that Phil might look at him, but he doesn't. He keeps his eyes trained on his lap. "Can I still kiss you?"

Fuck.

It's a physical sensation, an ache that grips him and doesn't let go. He finds it hard to breathe, much harder to think straight.

 

What would his life be like if he said no to Dan when he was first given the choice?

Empty. Calm, but still empty.

Fuck.

He shuts his eyes, feeling Dan's gaze burning into his skin.

"What about rule two?" Phil asks, buying himself some time.

"We've broken it loads of times. Literally this morning. One more won't hurt."

Phil lifts his head abruptly, startling Dan with the eye contact he clearly wanted but did not expect.

"What about the _other_ rules, Dan?"

Dan's frown becomes more prominent, but Phil thinks it resembles a mask. Dan is trying to seem cross, but there's something brewing underneath the surface that he doesn't quite manage to hide.

"We're keeping _all_ the other rules." Dan's gaze jumps between Phil's eyes and Phil's lips for a few seconds. "Can I?"

Phil wants to, desperately, but is that smart? Should they keep breaking one rule while attempting to keep all the other ones? What did Dan call it? A thin line, yeah. They're walking a thin line.

He wants to say no, he wants to stand up, join his family, put some distance between them.

"Kiss me," is all he says.

A thin line is still a line. Phil can still navigate it.

Nothing's changed.

 

Dan begins to lean in, painfully slow. His shoulder bumps into Phil's, and without a thought, they both move to accommodate the other. Dan sneaks his hand around the small of Phil's back, fingers digging into Phil's skin, while Phil wraps both his arms around Dan's neck.

Dan keeps his eyes open, blinking slowly as he presses his forehead against Phil's. Phil can feel Dan's breath ghosting over his lips, so close, yet so far.

Looking into his eyes while sitting so close is excruciating. It makes Phil wish for impossible, impossible things. Reading Dan's mind is not the least of those things. Phil wishes he could know - what happened, why did it happen, and what is still yet to happen?

"We're rubbish at this, Phil," Dan whispers into his mouth. He then takes Phil's bottom lip between both of his, suckles on it, and lets go. "We're rubbish."

"We'll stop," Phil replies.

"Yeah."

Their lips meet and break apart after two seconds, then meet again, again, again. Each time, it lasts longer, as they seem to be in no hurry to put an end to it.

Normally, one of them would fall backwards onto the bed by now. One of them would be on top, perhaps they'd be hastily removing their clothes. Not today.

Kissing Dan feels better than anything else he ever does, Phil finds, and that thought should startle him, but it doesn't. He finds peace in the taste of Dan's lips, finds familiarity in the comfort of Dan's arms.

Nothing makes sense, especially not _this_.

 

He spent the whole day feeling uneasy. Should he be worried that his first moment of serenity comes from the feeling of Dan's lips on his?

 

-

 

They're all sat at the local pub. It's a loud, busy place with wooden furnishings, plenty of alcohol, and a band that shows up an hour late, only to begin playing music that Phil doesn't like.

They have a table to themselves, with Dan and Phil sitting on one side, Martyn and Cornelia across from them.

It's not easy at first, but the more time they spend around Phil's brother and Phil’s sister-in-law, the more Phil manages to calm down. He just doesn't have the time to think, really. He listens to Dan talking to them, listens to his laughter, and doesn't say much himself other than the occasional remark or jibe in Martyn's direction. Dan falls into a pleasant conversation about music with Cornelia, and Phil can't help the warmth that he feels when Dan asks her questions with eager interest.

 

His thoughts from earlier remain somewhere in the back of his head, but the soft buzz of the sugary drink he's having helps him pretend they're not there.

It's been a messy day, and prior to that, a messy night. Phil is tired, and he just wants to relax.

He keeps on stealing secret little glances at Dan, admiring his animated way of speaking as he and Cornelia discuss the latest album of a band that Phil had never even heard of, while Martyn pitches in now and then.

"You look like you're having fun," Martyn says to him sarcastically during a lull in the conversation.

Phil frowns, looking away from Dan and at his brother, only just now realising that he'd been staring at Dan this whole time. He holds back a groan at the thought of Martyn lecturing him yet again.

"You know my music tastes aren't that, um, sophisticated. I have no idea what you're talking about."

Dan snorts beside him.

"What do you like then, Phil?" Dan asks, and it's the first direct question since they left the house. Phil shouldn't turn in his seat to fully face Dan, but he still does.

Dan looks gorgeous tonight, with a hint of a flush across his face, a small smile playing on his lips. It seems that their silent agreement to pretend nothing had ever happened is now starting to work.

"I—I listen to a lot of the music that was popular when I was younger," he admits, opening himself up to ridicule.

"So like, The Beatles?" Dan chides.

Both Martyn and Cornelia laugh at that, but Phil blushes, hitting Dan's shoulder with his fist.

" _You're_ a beetle."

"That's not the same thing."

"You're still a beetle, Dan."

"Then I'm living my best beetle life, drinking at the pub, talking to y—" Dan pauses, clearly catching himself before he says something that he shouldn't. "—you fine people." At this, he points to Martyn and Cornelia. "And _you_ , I guess."

"You're right, I'm not just fine, I'm _great_ ," he jokes. Maybe this is what they'd been missing: some friendly banter. Too much drama over the past twenty four hours; no wonder Phil started sulking for seemingly no reason.

"Yeah, you're amazing, Phil." Dan's voice is laced with a teasing undertone. Phil scolds himself for feeling like it's an actual compliment.

 _You're amazing, Phil_.

Wait.

Amazing Phil.

He chuckles, and a quick glance at Martyn tells him that he remembers this particular phase of Phil's.

"What's so funny?" Dan asks, noting the exchange.

"When Phil was younger, like way younger, he'd always pretend to be a magician. Amazing Phil. It was well annoying, to be honest." Phil holds up his hand, trying to make Martyn stop, but Martyn only grins devilishly. "One time he ran into our room in just his pants and a cape made out of a blanket—"

"Right, yeah, that's enough of that, Mar."

"—and he kept waving his wand at me, screaming weird shit until mum came in shouting at us. Of course she blamed me for it."

Phil covers his face with both of his hands. He's mortified. He needs to remember to keep his entire family, except Cornelia, away from Dan. And all other people that know him, really. Just to be safe.

He peeks at Dan through his fingers, expecting to be pointed at and laughed. Instead, he is met with a warm expression that puts him at ease just enough for him to put his hands down.

"That's actually fucking cute. I always did say you're a weirdo."

Phil hates Dan for calling him cute in front of his brother. He completely hates it. With a passion. The more he says that to himself, the more true it'll become.

Martyn makes a show out of clutching his chest with a touched expression. " _Thank_ you! Finally someone that agrees with me."

"Quit being horrid to your brother," Cornelia chastises. "I swear, you're like a big child."

"Being honest is not being horrid."

"Should we tell Dan about the thing Kath told me about, when you were too scared to—" Cornelia begins, but Martyn doesn't let her finish.

"Dan doesn't care to know about me, do you? D'you know what Dan, why don't we go get us some refills? You want some more pepsi, Corny?"

Dan stands up obediently, but before he does, he leans closer to Phil's ear and whispers.

"Tell me later."

 

Martyn sees it. Phil knows that he does. Even still, he doesn't control himself. With a huge grin and a gleam in his eyes, he says back, "Promise."

 

-

 

They don't stay late at the pub, wanting to spend more time with his mum and dad before they have to depart tomorrow.

Phil's had a pleasant two strong drinks and one beer. He hasn't kept track of Dan's alcohol intake, but Martyn is definitely more than a little tipsy. Cornelia guides him to bed not long after they get home, making apologies for the both of them, and leaving Dan and Phil to watch a film with just Phil's parents, as the girls are already asleep.

It's not ideal, Phil thinks. He's given more space to ponder things again now, and it's not a good thing in this case.

 

He sits on the sofa next to Dan, acutely aware of his presence, and like at the pub, he  takes a more passive role while Dan keeps Phil’s parents entertained. Phil can hardly believe it, _still_. Dan has known his parents for twenty-four hours, but Phil knows them much better, he knows how they work. Right now, it's easy to spot how much they already like Dan.

Phil allows himself to be more open in the way he looks at Dan now. His parents won't notice or care, and with Martyn gone, only Dan himself should be stopping him.

He doesn't. Unfortunately, maybe.

 

All of his thoughts from today and the previous night are once again beginning to pile up by the end of the movie they were supposedly watching. In truth, Phil doesn't even know what it was. He'd seen the movie through Dan's reactions alone, through his nervous glances around the room during what must have been a scarier scene, or during that one scene at the end when his eyes glistened with tears.

It's… It's nothing. It's definitely nothing.

No, honestly, it's nothing. Phil may have to be a little more strict about the rules from now on, considering Dan breaks rule two whenever he pleases, but Phil can do better. He can also pretend that he didn't have a miniature breakdown earlier today. And yesterday. And who even knows how many more times.

He can, and he will.

 

The moment the movie ends, Phil's parents begin chatting properly, muting the commercials on the telly. Phil suggests that they leave for the night, but his mum insists on them staying a little longer. She entertains them with tales of the garden, the cakes she'd been making for their local neighbourhood meeting, and what they did today while babysitting the girls. Phil listens, but mostly nods along, content in the knowledge that Dan seems okay with carrying them through this entire conversation.

What Phil doesn't expect is his dad asking the dreaded question, on a Saturday night no less. He had been lulled into a false sense of security, and it seems it was all too soon.

"Son, Martyn said they've been working you really hard at that job of yours."

Oh god, no. Phil is not lucid enough for this. Not after a night at the pub, and two days spent agonizing over the guy currently sat right next to him.

"Yeah, um, got lots of work," he agrees, hoping not to incite any further conversation. He glances at Dan, who catches his eye, an uncertain expression on his face.

Nigel doesn't drop the subject, which comes as no surprise to Phil. "Any luck with that promotion? You know, if you're given all this extra work, they ought to be paying you more."

Phil regrets ever mentioning a possible promotion all those months ago. That was before Viv got transferred to their department and made it her life goal to ruin his life. He's never going to be promoted as long as she has any say in it, but he doesn't have the guts or the heart to say that to his parents. He tries to come up with an excuse to fend them off for a couple more weeks.

He steals a look in Dan's direction, not surprised to find him looking right back. Discreetly, Dan bumps Phil's knee with his. His lips form a barely visible smile that is surprisingly comforting.

 

Despite this gesture of solidarity, Phil doesn't expect what comes next.

"I think that if anyone gets promoted, it'll definitely be Phil. I—I know one of his colleagues, he said that Phil's doing enough work for like, three people."

Wait, what?

"Really?" Nigel asks, and Phil should be offended, but he's busy staring at Dan right now.

"Yes, I'm—I'm quite sure, yeah. I mean, I'm just an intern, but people talk."

Nigel ponders Dan's words for a moment, then grins.

"Well, Phil, you always did work hard, didn't you? Just don't let them use you. I know business, you know. Tough world out there, and your field… Well… Not the _easiest_ , I think."

"Yeah, he's always working late," Dan agrees. "He doesn't rest near enough."

Why does Dan say such things? Why does he even _think_ them? Why does he defend Phil from the nagging questions of his parents? He just protected Phil from a subject he really didn't wish to discuss, but now he shrugs at him discreetly, like it's nothing.

It's not nothing. It's unexpected. It's _something_.

"Speaking of, I'm going to do the washing and head to sleep. The girls really know how to wear you out," Kath announces, standing up and stretching.

"Go to sleep, I'll do the washing," Dan says, bouncing off the sofa immediately.

Kath shoots him a surprised look that is soon transferred to Phil. "Phil, d'you mind if I adopt your friend? Seems like a good egg." Phil winces slightly at the thought. 

Phil's parents say their good nights. Dan politely says the same, wishing them a good night, while Phil only manages a quick _night mum, night dad_. He's too confused.

 

One day with his family, and Dan already seems to be a part of it. It's a huge contrast if you compare this one day to their few months of acquaintance. It took a long time for Dan to sneak his way into Phil's life. It's taking even longer for Phil to be able to safely say he is a part of Dan's.

With Dan, every little step takes ages, but slowly, they came to this. The point where Dan understands him enough to wordlessly sense the discomfort and step in. Fucking hell, his dad even complimented him. It's not an everyday occurrence.

He and Dan haven't exactly had rules for _this_ , but maybe they should have.

 

The force of all his earlier musings hits him like a freight train.

How much longer can Phil pore over every single interaction, and still believe it's all meaningless?

How much longer can he deny that he—

Dan gathers their plates and glasses, then glances at Phil over his shoulder.

"Move it, Lester. Don't need to keep scoring brownie points when it's just you. You're helping."

And then, Dan smiles. Just like that. It's genuine and not the least bit subdued, and it feels—it feels like a punch in the gut. It’s as if all of his thoughts suddenly come to a stop, hitting the wall Phil knew was there but wouldn’t acknowledge.

Dan shakes his head lightly while Phil keeps on staring without a word, then walks towards the kitchen, not checking back to see if Phil is following him. He isn't.

 

Fuck.

Dan is…

Dan is… Not meaningless. Dan is _important_. Dan is so much more than he should be.

Dan is scary, and he makes no sense, and he makes him feel bad sometimes, and he—he gives Phil a reason to get up in the morning, and he makes him question every single thing they ever do. And he kisses him like there are no rules, and then pushes him away when they get even remotely close to breaking one of the other ones.

Phil hadn’t thought it would come to this, but now that he’s already here, he knows that he had already known for a while. He just wouldn’t admit to it. As it is now, he finds himself right in the middle of it, surrounded by clues long ignored and things long left unsaid.

 

Denying it is pointless now. Dan pushed him over the edge without meaning to, with something as stupid as doing the washing and a warm smile. No one could ever accuse Phil of being high maintenance.

 

But what now? What about the rules?

What will Phil do now?

What will he do now that he knows he broke the one rule he should have never broken?

 

Because he did.

He broke the first rule.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaa I love you all so much for commenting on the last chapter. It sounds generic, but it truly _does_ make my day. Thank you! Please comment on this one too if you liked it? And [reblog it on tumblr](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/178734015955/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-16-meaning) if you feel like it + find it worthy :)
> 
> My beta reader [insectbah](https://insectbah.tumblr.com) is seriously priceless. I appreciate you so much, thank you for all your help! You're the best <3


	17. decision

_Sunday_

 

Everything feels so small when you're flying.

Below them are cities, towns, villages, in which there are houses, blocks, schools, coffee shops, and offices. Filled with people, all of whom lead their own lives, filled with their own experiences, their worries and their joys.

Phil likes to think of these things. It's an abstract thought, but it's true. Everyone leads their own lives. Just because Phil is distressed doesn't mean it's the end of the world.

In a way, it's kind of funny. The thought, the realization, it was nipping at his ankles for weeks now. Now that he's finally let it through, he doesn't fight it anymore.

It's true. He has feelings for Dan. That's just how it is now.

He's had a whole sleepless night to come to terms with it all, and through the haze of no sleep combined with one coffee too many, he finds something small, tentative, and shaky that resembles peace. He has a hunch that this is the closest to peace he will feel in the upcoming days.

 

They will be landing soon.

He's sat next to Dan this time, but their conversation is at a minimum. Phil pretended to be asleep earlier, and now Dan actually is.

Phil wants to reach out, lay his hand on Dan's, entangle their fingers and bask in the warmth, but they're in public, and he knows better.

In a way, he regrets coming to this realisation whilst on a trip to see his mum and dad, because he enjoyed it much less than he otherwise might have done. His mum even remarked on him seeming tired as he was helping her do the washing after breakfast. _Are you alright, love?_ she asked him, and he didn't know what to answer.

He's not _not_ alright. He hates his job and the thing with Dan is a mess, but he can't bring himself to regret it. It's far better than the nothingness he had before.

He sighs heavily, absentmindedly staring out the window, down at the world below.

Phil likes flying. It makes him feel anxious, but it also makes him feel so small, in a good way.

Perspective. He needs to gain some perspective.

 

- 

 

"Thanks so much for having me. I had a great time."

Phil glances at Dan, surprised to see him just as polite with Cornelia and Martyn as he was with his parents. Dan then crouches to be on the same eye level as Sophie and Lizzie. He gives them each a tiny handshake, their hands smaller than his index finger.

It's sweet, endearing, uncharacteristic. Then again, Phil knows by now that Dan seems to be good with children.

Phil inhales sharply and turns his gaze elsewhere, as pins and needles are filling his tight lungs with a sensation he doesn't want to feel.

"Be nice, ladies, let your mum get some sleep!" Dan tells Phil's nieces. Out of the corner of his eye, Phil sees Cornelia smile warmly at Dan.

"Oh, Dan, I hope we'll see you again soon!" she exclaims, hugging him.

Martyn nods along, smiling amiably, but the moment he turns to his brother, he appears strangely alert.

"Phil, you wanna grab a beer on Friday?" Martyn's expression, although pleasant, makes Phil feel like an object of study. Martyn then checks with Cornelia, "'s okay if we do, right love?"

"Totally okay."

"Yeah, um, sure," Phil says weakly, unable to come up with a convincing excuse.

"I'll text you." Martyn pulls him in for a quick hug, patting his back as they move apart.

 

They part their ways at the airport, with Martyn, Cornelia and their daughters going back home, and Dan and Phil left to decide what to do now.

Phil should go home too. It's been a difficult two days, and he can't really think about much when he is around Dan, especially not if he wants to keep it all secret. Reluctantly, he faces Dan.

Dan's got a small smile playing on his lips. He is squinting because of the sun shining in his face. His curls are bouncing slightly due to the wind; it makes Phil want to reach out and correct a stubborn strand, but he keeps himself in check.

"So…" Dan says, letting the word hang in the air for a moment. "Split an uber and go to mine?"

It's a tempting suggestion: to lose himself in Dan and pretend nothing ever happened. Phil can almost visualize its tendrils as they wrap themselves around him, pull him in with the sweetness of distraction. But should he really do that, considering he doesn't know how to behave around Dan right now? Because he _doesn't_. Should he be casual, distant, aloof? Should he be affectionate, friendly, horny? Horny always helps when it comes to Dan. It keeps other thoughts away.

"I mean, unless you're sick of me by now." The corners of Dan's lips drop slightly, but it still resembles a smile.

"I'm never sick of you," Phil blurts out. He then mentally slaps himself for how out of character that was. Dan hates that kind of sappy thing. He needs to do better. "I mean, we can—let's just go to yours, yeah?"

Dan surveys him for a moment, then finally shrugs and pulls out his phone to get them a ride.

 

- 

"You want a drink?"

Phil doesn't even bother to move, doesn't lift his head up from where it's resting against the back of the sofa. He can't recall when, but he reached some sort of a level of comfort with Dan, a point where he doesn't feel the need to always be on his best behaviour.

"Yeah," he mutters. Dan leaves the lounge and goes to fetch their drinks.

When they weren't alone, it was easier to pretend nothing had changed. The worst part is that it's only changed for Phil.

 

He remembers last night, the way it all just hit him square in the face.

Last night, Dan came back from the kitchen, urging Phil to hurry up and help him. Phil  looked at him then with what felt like a whole new pair of eyes.

The image is etched in his memory. Dan's shirt with a floral pattern worn over a black t-shirt, his skinny jeans, his black and white socks. His face in the dim light of Phil's parents’ lounge lamp.

Of course, Phil always knew Dan was really fit, but he didn't know how beautiful he truly was until that moment.

_You okay, Phil?_

That's what Dan asked him when all he did was to stare blankly, overwhelmed by the weight of just how much he managed to fuck up.

_You okay, Phil?_

 

Oh. Dan is back, a bottle of Malibu in hand, and looking down at Phil with concern.

"Phil? You okay?"

No.

"I'm just…" How does he even do this? What does he even do? "I just don't want to go back to work tomorrow." It's a lie, but when he says it, he realises it's really not. He doesn't want to go back there, but he hadn't thought of it up until now.

Dan pours their drinks and sits down. He quickly makes himself comfortable, with his back against the armrest, feet up on the sofa. If he'd stretch his legs, they would end up in Phil's lap.

"I know. I don't want to go either, but obviously… obviously, it's not near as shit for me as it is for you."

Phil is not looking at Dan, and yet, he can practically see him right there, beneath his closed eyelids. He can see the expression without actually looking at it: the small pout, the wary brown eyes, brows drawn tight.

Phil's chest heaves with a sigh. He drags himself up and takes his glass from the coffee table, then takes a long sip, the alcohol burning sweetly inside his mouth.

"Yeah, it is." He doesn't plan on it, but he keeps on talking. "Viv threatened to fire me last week."

"What?"

"For being sick, you know, for my sick days."

"What the _fuck_ , Phil."

Yeah. Phil can see _that_ expression too, even with his eyes firmly trained on the glass. When had he come to know Dan so well, without knowing him at all?

"That's ridiculous, you had a bloody fever!" Dan sounds indignant. It's… it's sweet, but pointless. Months upon months ago Phil may have had the will to fight, but he doesn't now. He's just tired.

"I know."

"What'd she say to you?"

The sofa cushions dip beneath them as Dan sits up, slouching a little and crossing his legs as he still faces Phil.

"Just yelled at me, basically. Told me I was taking a vacation instead of being sick."

"Why haven't you said anything sooner?" Dan mutters after a pause.

Phil makes the mistake of allowing his gaze to transfer from his now empty glass to Dan.

"I just... I didn't want to think about it." Again, it's true. Just not entirely.

"And now you do?" Dan sounds incredulous, but not unkind.

"No." _But it still beats thinking of you_.

Phil leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees, his head hanging down. He can't stand the eye contact right now.

When did this happen? When did he start feeling like Dan can see right through him?

Phil doesn't usually have much to hide. He never used to mind. But now, he has a secret that he himself doesn't know how to deal with yet. Dan cannot know.

He hears Dan set down his glass and scoot over closer.

That dull ache in his chest, it's been there for the entire day, and now it spills all over his body, inch by inch. What is he hurting for? For Dan to touch him, or for Dan to leave him alone?

 

Phil is not given any time to ponder that further.

Wordlessly, Dan loops his arms around Phil's neck, his body pressed against his side. He rests his head at the top of Phil's back, his curls brushing his skin. Phil sucks in a breath, stunned as Dan all but wraps himself around him.

Rule one. Phil broke the most important rule.

And he is breaking one more…

He swallows, the taste of Malibu still strong on his tongue, and exhales. There is no point in fighting it. He doesn't want to stay away from Dan, even if… Even if…

Phil grabs Dan's left forearm, and holds on to it while Dan doesn't let him go. He leans his head to the side, resting it on Dan's arm, and he breathes deeply. He'll allow himself this, if only for a moment. When he is alone, he will figure it out. He _will_.

"You should record it next time, Phil," Dan mumbles somewhere close to his neck.

"What?"

"When she's yelling at you."

Oh. Phil had already forgotten his excuse for his current mood. But yeah, that does suck too. A lot.

"What's the point?"

Dan releases his grip on Phil, also pulling away from Phil's grasp. His eyes drop to their laps, and seemingly without a thought, he grabs Phil's hand, effortlessly entwining their fingers.

Phil breaks rule one, Dan breaks rule two. They're both rubbish at this.

"The point is that the bitch gets what she deserves? Come on, Phil."

Phil frowns, trying to understand. He struggles to piece together all the sides of Dan that he knows. The super polite version he spent the weekend with. The affectionate version that just hugged him. The protective version that is currently lecturing him about work. The… The unreachable version that will probably never want more than what they have now.

He shakes his head slightly. Dan takes it as a refusal to stand up to his boss.

"Why not?" Dan presses. "Phil, you can't let her just—"

"Why do you care?" Phil interjects, finally meeting Dan's eyes with a certain hardness in his countenance.

Now it is Dan's turn to appear dumbfounded. "What?"

"Why do you care. About what happens to me."

Phil is not being fair. What is even wrong with him? He should just go home, really, before he makes things worse.

Dan winces, lifting his chin and biting softly on his lip.

"I—where'd this come from?"

And of course, Dan is right to be confused. Phil is too.

"Nevermind," Phil hastily withdraws.

Suddenly, Dan's fingers are underneath Phil's chin, forcing him to meet his eyes. Even that touch, so small, serves to remind Phil of all the times Dan's hands were cupping his face as they kissed.

It was things like that that led him here. To this land of confusion and uncertainty.

"You know I care. We're _friends_." Phil doesn't miss the fact that Dan's voice hangs a bit on the last word.

Friends. Phil _wanted_ to be friends. He should be pleased with what Dan just said.

That word sounds so small now, so restrictive, so inadequate. Just how long had he felt this way before giving it a proper name? Or is he just overreacting?

"Do you regret it?" Phil blurts out.

Dan allows his hand to drop back down to his lap, releasing Phil. Phil still doesn't look away, though. He wants to see Dan's expression.

It looks pained, almost, as if Phil is asking for too much.

"Regret what?" Dan asks nonsensically.

"Us becoming friends."

Dan slowly rubs the back of his own neck, shutting his eyes tiredly. "No."

"Will you tell me if you start seeing someone?" Phil fires again. He's not even drunk, and Dan won't believe it if he claims that he is. He's pushing it.

"I won't start seeing anyone."

"But if you do—"

"I _won't_ ," Dan insists.

Phil turns to the side, for the first time facing Dan properly. His instincts tell him to stop this. His habits with Dan tell him to stop talking. His heart tells him to ask again.

"So it's just… it's just me?"

Dan blinks. His legs may not move, but he still tilts away from Phil. Dan's eyes are filled with questions that Phil may know the answer to, but he cannot share the answers.

Dan looks a bit like a cornered animal, and Phil is starting to feel like one.

Phil doesn't want to hear the denial. Not now, not today. So he says before Dan gets to respond, "No, I know. It's no one."

And maybe that is better, maybe that is fine. He can't have Dan, but he can't imagine seeing Dan date someone else.

Fuck.

"No," Dan whispers after what feels like forever. Phil's heart stutters as his eyes widen, bright and open to what Dan is trying to say. "No. I mean, maybe. I don't know. We're—we're friends."

The disappointment is instant and leaves a bitter taste in Phil's mouth. He nods for a little too long, then grabs the bottle of Malibu off the table and pours himself another drink.

"I want some too," Dan says, as if he missed the change in Phil's expression.

Phil pours him one too. They clink their glasses, raising a toast to something they never bother to name.

 

Minutes pass. They are silent as they begin to crowd into each other. They need no words for it anymore. Phil seeks comfort the one way he knows best these days, and Dan grants it. Phil doesn't have to think while he does this. His mind is blissfully blank as he explores Dan's body with his lips. Broad shoulders covered by soft, pale skin. Smooth neck without a shade of stubble. He leaves mark after mark, possessive in a way he rarely ever allows himself to be, and loses himself in the taste of Dan, the smell of Dan, the warmth and comfort that he only gets to borrow, never keep.

 

-

_Thursday_

This is his first night without Dan this week.

They spent every single night together, up until now. Despite his inner turmoil, Phil hasn't managed to stay away. On the contrary, this week he was the one who sought Dan out, who invited him, who asked him to stay over. He was the one that woke up with Dan cuddled into his chest and refused to move until Dan himself did.

Today, Dan asked him for a rain check. He hadn't really given Phil any reasons, but Phil had no choice but to accept. To avoid being alone, he stayed at work later than he needed to, mindlessly browsing the internet until all of his coworkers were gone and he had nothing to distract himself with.

 

As he walks home, Phil knows that tonight is the night he had been putting off. Tonight is the moment to face all this and make up his mind.

That doesn't mean he gets to it promptly. He gets home, heats up dinner, then eats almost nothing because he doesn't feel like eating. He slumps on the sofa, turns on the telly, and scrolls through his texts.

None from Dan.

He opens up his camera app and looks through the pictures. Most of them are of Dan.

He opens up his Facebook feed. No Dan pictures there. They are Facebook friends, but that's that.

He types Dan's name into the search bar and goes on his profile. Dan hasn't got many pictures, but he has a lot of friends that sometimes write things to him. He reads these messages from people he doesn’t know and wonders, _was it one of you? Are you the ex?_

 

Frustrated, he chucks his phone down on the carpet and sighs. This is too intense for someone that seemingly only just realised he's got feelings for a person. Not for the first time, he tries to pinpoint the moment he must have… started feeling it, but he can't. It's not easy to tell when the person he likes is also the person he snogs, has sex with, and hangs out with on a daily basis. That person is also not his boyfriend, and will never be his boyfriend.

Phil falls back in the sofa until he is laying down, then rolls onto his side, facing the telly.

The images that flash before his eyes mean nothing to him. He can't avoid this anymore.

What should he do?

What are the options? Tell Dan, or don't tell Dan and keep it going anyway, or the third option—

Technically, that's the option he _should_ choose.

Break it all off. Forget. Pretend it never happened.

That's the best one, isn't it? This is just a crush, if that. He'll live through it and—

And he's being fucking delusional. Just a crush, yeah, right.

There is no right or wrong. There is no way that saves him from the fact that he broke the rules. He'd gone and spoiled it all, right?

The worst thing is, Dan definitely knows something is up. He's asked Phil a few times, and a few other times, looked at him weirdly. Try as he may, Phil is really struggling to keep this concealed, and the fact that he hadn't made up his mind yet plays a role in it too. Until he's decided what to do, he won't be able to behave normally around Dan.

 

He wants to ring Dan, hear his voice, _forget_. Better yet, he wants to go to Dan's place, lose himself in Dan, drown in his eyes and pretend it's all fine.

He stays put, right there on the sofa, willing himself to ignore the feelings he only discovered less than a week ago.

 

-

_Friday_

 

Phil checks his phone for probably the tenth time since they got to his local pub. It's a risky move with Martyn sat across from him, only on his second beer, still very much alert.

They have just about exhausted the topics of work, mum and dad, and Cornelia's wellbeing. Phil can't think of anything else to say, and Martyn is still looking at him intently, clearly disapproving.

"Are we done with small talk then, Phil?" Martyn says, downing the last of his beer.

Phil frowns in what he hopes is a confused manner. "What are you on about?"

"You _know_   what I'm on about. Your _friend_?"

Phil sighs with his mouth open, rolling his eyes exaggeratedly.

"I swear, Mar, you're like Nan. Can't let any gossip go." Phil pauses, but when he sees that Martyn is not about to back down, he asks, "What is the problem with Dan?"

"Don't lie to me."

There is a challenge in the way his brother looks at him, and Phil decides to play.

"Why are you suddenly so interested in my relationships?" Phil grumbles, sipping his drink without hurry.

"Fine, maybe I'm a _bit_ of a gossip," Martyn concedes. Phil smirks. "But it's mostly that you seem—I don't know. You're off, Phil. You're not yourself."

 _Of course I'm not_ , he thinks. But that's as much to do with work as it is to do with Dan.

"You can stop getting excited now, because nothing's wrong. I just hang out with Dan when we're both bored."

It's a lie, and he hates lying to his brother, but he's got no choice now.

"Just—just explain it to me. He likes you, but you're not together?"

Phil nearly chokes on his drink. "No, he doesn't like me. Not like that."

"But you like him."

"As a friend."

"No," Martyn states, "Not just that."

Phil rolls his eyes once again, keeping his voice aloof. "Just that."

"You don’t honestly believe that?" Again, it's more of a statement than a question, and Phil hates it.

He thinks back to the hours he spent poring over this. He's still got a ways to go, but he doesn’t want to lose Dan, he knows that much.

Even if… even if it isn't right.

"Let me get this straight. Whenever I call you, you're with this guy. You do everything together, you sleep together, he comes to meet mum and dad—" Phil is about to cut him off, but Martyn gestures for him to let him talk. "And mum won't stop waxing poetic about him, she's already rung me twice. So you do all that, and you call him your _friend_?"

"Yeah." After a pause, he adds, "I only invited him because you convinced me to. It’s not like—it’s not a big deal."

Martyn throws his hands up in the air, exasperated. He then lets them fall onto the table with a little too much noise. Nearby patrons stare at them while Phil downs yet another drink.

He could use this pleasant buzz. He doesn't even have Dan to look forward to tonight. They haven't made any plans.

"Do me a favour, Phil, and the next time you and Dan fuck, can you start sharing neurons and not bodily fluids? Because it seems like you both lack a functioning brain. Maybe together you can at least have _one_ brain that works."

Phil's eyes widen in shock, unsure if he should be offended or amused. What wins over is his timid personality – he feels a hot flush creeping up his neck.

"You're so crass," Phil finally remarks with disgust.

"You're so _blind_."

Martyn is not wrong. Phil was blind for a long time, but not anymore.

He just still hasn't decided what to do.

"I'm not, Martyn, I just don't understand—"

"I spent a whole weekend with you two and I think you're both either stupid or delusional. You look at him all the time. He stares at you and laughs at everything you say. It was awkward as hell."

 _He stares at you_.

"Sorry," Phil mumbles, once again lost in thought.

"Are you really just going to keep it as it is, then?" Martyn's tone of voice considerably softens. Phil glances at him briefly before allowing his eyes to inspect the cracks in the table they're sitting at.

Is he going to keep it as it is, though?

He can either tell Dan and see what they can build… or pretend it never happened. But the first option is not really an option, because then Dan would have to have feelings for him too. Leaving Dan is also not an option, so he writes that one off immediately.

Telling Dan is pointless. That much he knows. So then…

"Yeah. I'm going to keep it as it is." When Martyn starts speaking again, Phil interrupts him and says something else on a whim. "I'm alright, Mar. I'm better than I was. Promise."

 

Martyn's disbelieving look remains fresh in Phil's memory until he finally goes to sleep hours later, having not received a single text from Dan.

 

-

 

Phil wakes up in the middle of the night to the sound of an incoming text message. His first instinct is to ignore it, but he is just conscious enough to consider it could be something important. With eyes half-open, he feels around for his phone and checks it.

It's from Dan. _Finally_.

But why now?

Why not yesterday? Why not earlier today?

 

**Dan**

can i come over?

 

This is surprising, but in a way, it really isn't. Dan used to do similar things – just text him for one reason only – but he hasn't done it _lately_ and Phil had hoped they were past that.

 

**Phil**

It's two in the morning

 

**Dan**

yeah but

 

Three minutes pass. Phil sees Dan typing, deleting the message, then typing again. He starts to think that this is all the explanation he'll receive, but no.

 

**Dan**

im horny

 

Phil groans, stretches, and weighs the pros and cons of allowing Dan to come over now, when he is still a complete mess. He still doesn't fully know what to do. He just wants things to work out.

 

**Dan**

it wont take long

 

This he can work with. He’ll make a joke.

 

**Phil**

is that something to be proud of?

 

On second thought, he adds some funny emojis to soften the blow.

 

**Dan**

ha ha ha

vvv funny

so? can i?

 

He shouldn't.

But he—

He doesn't want to lose Dan. In whatever shape or form, in whatever capacity, Dan makes his life better, and Phil can't say that about a whole lot of things.

It feels sudden, but he is already in way too deep. He is only certain of one thing.

He _doesn't_ want to lose Dan.

**Phil**

come over

 

He sits up in bed, knowing full well he won't be able to fall asleep again.

Strangely enough, this relatively small exchange, combined with his conversation with Martyn, is the first moment of clarity he's had this week.

 

If he tells Dan, he will lose him. Undoubtedly. Dan is the one to text him at 2 am, asking to come over. Dan is the one that doesn't want to be with anyone. Dan won't want Phil to be…

To _want_ too much.

It seems as though his choice has already been made.

 

Phil broke rule one, and not just rule one, and Dan must never, ever know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw thank you so much for your response to the last chapter. I know I say this every time, but it truly means the world to me (especially as I was nervous about that one) <3 Let me know if this one was okay down in the comments & [reblog this](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/178825511280/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-17-decision) if you find it worthy? :)  
> Martyn's line about bodily fluids and neurons was created by [i-am-my-opheliac](http://i-am-my-opheliac.tumblr.com/) and I wrote it in after the fic was complete because it made me laugh so much. Thank you Lia <3
> 
> Of course, as usual, [my beta reader insectbah](https://insectbah.tumblr.com) is a treasure. Your encouragement really helps me out so much, thank you <3


	18. warmth

Dan knocks on Phil's door lightly at around three in the morning.

Up until the moment Phil sees him, he is not sure if he even _wants_ to see him at all. If it's even a good idea. But when he opens the door and finds Dan standing there, all doubt is washed away from his mind.

Dan is wearing a pair of joggers, a t-shirt, and a light raincoat; the nights are starting to get colder. He _looks_ cold too – with his shoulders slumped and a tired look on his face. Something stirs deep inside Phil, bringing forth an urge to hold Dan.

 _Of course_ Phil wanted to see him. Long gone are the days when he was allowed to doubt that. The words _I missed you_ tickle his tongue, threatening to spill from his mouth. He manages to stop himself just in time.

"Hey Dan," he says softly instead.

"Hi."

Phil kind of expected them to be kissing by now. That was the norm back when these late night texts were a regular occurrence – Dan would visit for one reason, and one reason only. It's not what Phil wants right now, but he'll take it. Sad as it might be, he'll take anything.

Only it's not happening. Dan stands in the doorway without as much as one step in Phil's direction, saying nothing as he looks Phil in the eyes.

The half-excited, half-terrified flutter Phil previously felt fades into some sort of an ache, a sensation that tugs and prods and squeezes his insides with worry.

"What's the matter?" Phil stammers, because it's not a question of _is_ _something the matter_ , that much suddenly feels obvious to him.

Dan frowns. His eyes seem somewhat glassy, but it's hard to tell in this light. Dan shuts his eyes briefly, tilts his head downwards, and then looks back up at Phil deliberately.

"Nothing."

Dan is suddenly in Phil's space, shutting the door a tad too loudly with one arm, the other already around Phil's naked waist. Phil didn't even bother to get dressed - he figured it wouldn't be needed, so he is wearing nothing but a pair of pyjama pants.

Once the door is closed, Dan wraps both his arms around Phil's waist and pulls him close. Phil shivers at the feeling of Dan's cold, slightly wet raincoat against his skin, and allows Dan to lead him towards the wall.

Dan slides his hand from Phil's waist towards his hip, digging his fingers into the thin layer of fabric, keeping him in place. His other hand travels up Phil's torso, grabbing the back of his neck. He tugs at the short hairs at the base of it, angling Phil's head to grant himself better access.

But he still doesn't kiss him.

 

Phil stares at him, brows drawn tight, eyes flitting all over his face. Something is wrong, something is _different_. But what?

Phil's right hand, previously hung idly at his side, now travels towards Dan's cheek. He brushes it delicately, cupping it and caressing it with his thumb. Dan takes a sharp intake of breath.

After what feels like an eternity, Dan exhales, his breath hot on Phil's lips. And just like that, their lips finally meet.

Dan crashes into Phil, skipping the soft, light pecks and moving right in with a proper snog. He slips his tongue past the zip of Phil's mouth and moans slightly when Phil doesn't object as he sinks further into the kiss. Dan's fingers burrow further into Phil's hair while his other hand slides from Phil's hip towards the small of his back.

The taste of Dan was always intoxicating, but now, it's nearly painful for Phil. How could something that he thought meant nothing suddenly grow to mean everything?

He needs to catch his breath, so he pulls away from Dan for a few seconds, their faces remaining close. What Phil sees is enough to make him stop entirely.

Dan is blinking back tears.

 

"Dan? Dan! What's wrong?" Phil places both of his hands on Dan's shoulders, pushing him a few inches away to allow himself the space to look at him properly.

Seeing what Phil is trying to do, Dan immediately tries to dive back in and resume what they were doing, but Phil keeps him at a gentle distance as he looks at him, stubbornly trying to make eye contact.

"Nothing," Dan repeats, irritation slipping past the broken undertones in his voice.

"That's not true. Talk to me, Dan."

Phil lets go of Dan for a few seconds, cupping his face with both hands now, forcing Dan to look him in the eyes. Dan's breathing is irregular and strained, his face scrunched in a way that makes Phil's heart skip a pained beat.

"That's the point, though," Dan mutters. "Nothing is wrong."

"I don't understand…" Phil pauses. He brushes some of Dan's hair away from his forehead, stroking gently. "You're crying."

"I'm not crying, you idiot. I'm just—I think I might have a cold."

"Talk to me," he pleads.

Dan scoffs, abruptly pulling away from Phil. Before Phil regains any resemblance of composure, Dan is already in the kitchen, rummaging through Phil's cabinets.

"Where's that wine we bought two weeks ago?" Dan asks when Phil catches up to him. He doesn't look at him, still going through Phil's cupboards.

"We already drank it." Phil observes as Dan stops abruptly, sighs, and leans against one of the cupboards, his head hanging down. "Dan, what's the matter? You're—you're scaring me, a bit."

"I told you. Nothing's the matter. That's the whole point. I—I feel like…" Dan swallows thickly, then continues. "I feel scared."

"Scared?"

"I don't want to be alone."

"You're not," Phil replies without missing a beat. "I'm here."

Carefully, as if he's approaching a wild animal, Phil walks towards Dan and lays a hand on his back. When Dan doesn't flinch, Phil starts tracing comforting circles in the space between Dan's shoulder blades.

"Did something happen?" Phil tries after a minute has passed.

"Nothing."

"But you—but we haven't talked since yesterday morning." Only when Phil says it does he realise how wrong it is to say it out loud. They're friends with benefits, for fuck's sake. They don't have to talk every day.

"Yeah. I know."

"Why are you scared?"

Dan shuts his eyes forcefully, shakes his head, then opens them. He keeps his gaze firmly trained on the smooth surface of Phil's kitchen cabinet.

"I'm telling you, but you don't get it."

Phil frowns. All Dan says is that nothing happened. What is there to get?

"You said nothing happened."

"Yeah. I'm just…" Dan pauses. "I'm just having a day, okay? It's just, I shouldn't have come here. I should go."

Just as abruptly as before, Dan pulls away from Phil's touch and begins to make his way towards the hall. Phil, on instinct, steps in his way and grabs him by the shoulders.

"Dan, you're not going anywhere like this," he begs more than he commands. "Stay, we don't have to—we don't have to do anything, just, just come sit with me? Alright?" Phil knows that his voice sounds borderline desperate, but he doesn't give a toss.

Despite Phil mentally begging him to, Dan doesn't meet his eyes. He stares down at the floor, seemingly defeated, not fighting the strong grip of Phil's hands.

"I told you I'm shit. You don't have to deal with this. Let me go, Phil."

"No."

On instinct he pulls Dan closer, both of his arms snaking around his middle. Dan's face ends up tucked into the crook of Phil's neck as he slumps a little, while Phil rests his chin atop Dan's head.

He feels Dan's exhale on his bare skin. It almost feels like a stifled sob.

"You're not shit," Phil whispers. He wraps his arms a little tighter around Dan. "You're great, Dan. You're great."

"I can leave," Dan insists. "Or—or we can fuck."

Wow. Yeah, physical pain directly caused by emotional pain. That's a thing, apparently.

He doesn't want to _fuck_ Dan. He doesn't even want to make love to Dan right now, and the thought of _that_ being the preferred term for it is scary, but now is not the time.

"Or you can stay," Phil whispers into Dan's hair. "And we can, um, we can sit?"

When Dan doesn't say anything, Phil kisses the top of his head. Once, twice, a few more times. In the meantime, he continues rubbing tiny little patterns across Dan's back. And… and they just breathe.

"You should let me go," Dan whispers after a prolonged silence. Phil winces, breath hitching in his throat.

"No chance."

"Why?"

The question is so daft, Phil would laugh if he weren't closer to crying along with Dan.

"Because I—" So many words come to mind, but none are right. None fit. None are safe. "Because I want you to stay."

"It's like four in the morning."

"It's a weekend. We're fine. You're fine, Dan."

Phil inhales deeply, smelling the scent of Dan's shampoo. It smells of flowers and the spring, such a contrast from this very moment.

"You're going to interrogate me about this later." Dan's voice is almost bitter. It makes Phil wonder if he really is all that pushy.

"I don't have to."

"There's nothing to know," Dan says, talking over Phil. "It's just—it's just today."

"Yeah."

"And… and yesterday."

"Okay."

"And tomorrow. I guess."

"Tomorrow?"

"Maybe."

Phil stops himself from shaking his head. He doesn't understand, but he won't say that. He just wants Dan to feel better at this point, and provoking further conversation will only have the opposite effect.

He never could make sense of Dan. It's no wonder that today is no different. But this is about so much more than just Phil and his confusion. This is about Dan.

He wants to hold Dan until this, whatever it is, disappears. Until he sees dimples in his cheeks and sunlight in his eyes. And if it hurts him to do it, so be it. His own feelings are unimportant right now.

After all, he'd already made up his mind. He's keeping things as they are. He won't tell Dan.

"Stay?" Phil whispers after a few minutes had passed in silence, minutes during which Dan remained still, and Phil kept on holding him close.

Dan doesn't respond right away, but when he does, Phil's heart does that funny thing where it feels like it might beat its way out of his chest.

"Okay."

 

-

 

They barely talk. Phil manages to push his feelings aside and focus entirely on Dan. He makes him some tea, then takes both the mugs and walks to the bedroom. He sets down their mugs on the nightstand and sits up with his back against the headboard, sliding down as he stretches his legs. Wordlessly, he opens up his arms, hoping Dan won't be needlessly difficult. It's just a source of comfort. Dan doesn't need to read into it.

Dan doesn’t fight him – he kicks off his shoes, takes off his coat, and slips into Phil's arms without a word of complaint. Their bodies fit together so well. They always have.

Dan lies down, half his body draped across Phil's, arm loosely slung around his waist. Dan's head is close to where Phil's heart continues to beat an erratic, tired rhythm. Phil holds him close once again, both relishing and despising the warmth, because with Dan so close, it’s almost impossible to escape his own emotions.

 

They remain there in the darkness, in the silence, in this void of feelings left unspoken, until they both drift to sleep.

 

-

 

Phil has been awake for around twenty minutes now. Dan is still asleep.

In their sleep, they remained close. Phil's arm has grown numb from the weight of Dan's head resting on it, but he doesn't want to move. As long as Dan is here in his arms, Phil knows he can keep him safe from whatever demons seem to have haunted him at night.

He doesn't move an inch, satisfied with just looking at Dan while trying to understand and knowing that he can't, and he won't.

Phil's lips lightly brush the place where Dan's hairline meets his forehead, lingering for a split second before moving away. Dan is warm, and that warmth remains on Phil's lips and in his mind as his chest swells with affection that he cannot seem to contain. If Dan woke up now and looked Phil in the eyes, it would likely be all over.

But Dan stays asleep, breathing soundly, until Phil dozes off again.

 

-

 

When Phil wakes up, Dan is already awake.

He hasn't moved much, merely slid down a little, but his arm is still draped across Phil's chest, and his head is still resting on Phil's shoulder. Their legs are tangled underneath the sheets, for once fully clothed.

Phil blinks, reluctantly coming back to reality. He tilts his head to the side, finding Dan looking right at him with an unreadable expression on his face.

Phil is at a loss for words. Dan looks so beautiful, but so tired. So young, but so weary. So close, but so out of his reach.

When Dan finally speaks, it's not what Phil wants to hear.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Phil croaks, voice still thick with sleep. "Are you okay?"

"Better," is all Dan says.

Phil’s face lights up, his features brightened by a sincere smile. He lays a tender kiss on Dan's forehead, keeping him close with the arm he's still got wrapped around Dan's back. Phil figures that since he's already breaking rules that are much more important, he might as well ignore rule two for now, especially as Dan doesn't shy away from the touch.

Dan looks away eventually, right when the eye contact begins to grow too intense.

"It was really nothing," Dan mumbles out of the blue. "I just… I get these moods sometimes."

It could mean a thousand different things, but Phil doesn't want to ask.

"Okay."

"You don't believe me?"

 _I don't know whether I should,_ he should say.

"I believe you."

Dan buries his head back into Phil's chest. His left hand moves down to Phil's stomach, lying flat against it.

"I know you don't," Dan mutters. "You're just being nice."

"I'm—"

"Can we just like, not talk about this? Like at all?"

Phil's heart sinks a little. Avoiding certain subjects will have to become the norm for him now. He'll have to be on his guard all the time around Dan.

He shouldn't even be holding him right now.

"I don't know what to say," Phil admits after a pause.

"Then don't," Dan shoots back.

Dan climbs on top of Phil, straddling him, and Phil knows full well what Dan is doing.

Phil knows, because he's done it himself with Dan before. Briefly, he ponders why and when they created this strange sort of defense mechanism. But he knows that this is what Dan wants, and perhaps even needs, so he doesn't object when their lips find each other in the dim light of the afternoon.

 

Phil doesn't say anything. He rests his hands on Dan's hips and gives in, losing himself in the familiar weight of Dan's body on top of his.

Maybe being what Dan needs is all that Phil can hope for. Maybe it's all that he can want.

But it isn't.

 

-

 

They shower together afterwards. Phil massages shampoo into Dan's scalp, taking care not to allow any to fall into his eyes. Dan merely stands there with his eyes closed, accepting Phil's ministrations without a word.

Phil makes a mental note to smell Dan's hair again later. It will smell of his shampoo now.

 

-

 

"Can we watch something?"

Phil looks up from the bolognese he's been trying to cook for the better part of an hour. Dan offered to help about a hundred times, but Phil turned him down.

Phil has been feeling pretty shit for the past few months, but today, it's Dan that deserves a break.

"No," he deadpans, hoping to elicit a smile.

It's been a strange day filled with long silences and looks to make up for them. And he hasn't seen Dan smile once, only make that odd expression, as if he was studying Phil.

It takes Dan a second, but he registers the joke and the corners of his lips lift ever so slightly. It's good. Phil will take it.

"You think you're hilarious, don't you, Lester." It's a statement, not a question.

"Now and then," Phil agrees. "Put on the telly, I'm not done with this yet."

"Why are you even cooking? Can't we just order something?"

"I told you. My mum says I need to eat more homemade food."

It's an excuse, of course. He just doesn't want Dan to go, and considering Phil's cooking skills, this pasta will barely be done by the time they both turn grey.

"I think she probably meant like, a _salad_. Not spaghetti bolognese."

"What she doesn't see can't hurt her," Phil dismisses with a grin.

"I could always tell on you. She gave me her number."

Phil jumps, dropping the wooden spoon he had been holding. "My mum gave _you_ her number?"

There it is. The first real Dan-smile of the day.

It _does_ hurt. It _does_ feel great.

It makes him feel proud of himself in a stupid, tiny, insignificant way.

It reminds him of the rules he's breaking and the decision he had made.

"Don't sound so surprised. I think your parents liked me."

Phil scoffs. "Of course they liked you. My mum's like, proper in love with you."

When the sound of Dan's soft chuckle fills his ears, Phil doesn't know what to do anymore.

"God, Phil. Don't—don't give me thoughts like that."

"You're the one that's got her number, Dan. Should I be worried?" Phil jokes, because it's easier, because it works.

"Worried for her or for yourself?" Dan shoots back.

"Everything, I suppose. This whole conversation is killing me."

"In that case, yeah. Be _very_ worried."

Phil shakes his head fondly. This feels better, feels closer to normal, but the memory of Dan's choked sobs remains fresh in his mind. He doesn't know what to do, say, or just—he doesn't know _anything_.

 

It's nice to be spending time with Dan, but in a way, he feels like he's playing a role. Every action and every word of Phil's is somewhat rehearsed.

 _Give it time,_ he tells himself. He'll get better at all this. What matters right now is Dan and only Dan.

Phil turns back to the pots, stirring as he prays to all the gods in the universe that this will be at least half-edible.

He hears the quiet sound of bare feet on kitchen tile, and soon feels Dan wrap his arms around Phil's middle, hugging him from behind.

Oh, _no_.

"Phil?"

It takes all of his willpower not to spin around and face Dan.

"Mm?"

"You remember rule two?"

Of course he fucking remembers. That rule was the sole reason of his downfall. Well, maybe not the rule itself, but everything that they did while breaking it.

"Yeah?"

"Can we just—" Dan's voice falls to a near-whisper, his face still pressed against Phil's back. "Can we ignore it… today?"

_Yes._

_No._

_Maybe._

_If you want._

_We shouldn't._

"Why?"

"You're warm," Dan responds simply, and after a pause, adds, "I could use some _warm_."

Does Dan know how he feels? Is he trying to wind him up, to make him break down and fuck everything up even more?

Maybe. Probably not.

Dan probably just needs someone to be there for him while he gets over whatever it is that must have happened last night. If Phil knew what's good for him, he would say he shouldn't be that person. Not in his current state.

 

Phil _does_ know what's good for him, but he was never one to willingly make that his first choice.

He turns off the stove and escapes Dan's embrace, startling him as he turns to face him.

He then leans in, kissing Dan softly, without a hurry, cupping his cheek as he does so.

 

Dan doesn't immediately reciprocate, but he does catch up eventually. He doesn't ask any more questions. It's Phil that stops and Phil that speaks up.

"Just today, then. No rule two."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're all wonderful and I am so grateful for you. Thanks so much for your feedback.  
> Please let me know if this chapter was okay and [reblog this on tumblr](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/178954364810/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-18-warmth) if you find it worthy - it helps me out a lot!
> 
> As always, thank you to the bestest beta reader in the universe - [insectbah](https://insectbah.tumblr.com) <3


	19. different

_"Just today, then. No rule two."_

 

Phil has kissed Dan hundreds of times by now.

Why does it feel different this time?

 

It's hardly a romantic scene.

They're stood by the stove. The kitchen smells like bolognese. Phil's mind is a mess of jumbled thoughts that seemingly have no connection to each other. Dan is clearly going through something. And when Dan leans in, closing the distance between them, it's a soft, chaste kiss that doesn't last long. But when they break apart, they remain close, foreheads touching, Dan's breath ghosting over Phil's lips.

Phil wraps his arms around Dan, pulls him flush against himself, and just holds him there. Dan is so close that Phil can feel his heartbeat echoing through his own chest.

Dan remains still. Doesn't hug him back, doesn't move away. He merely relaxes into the embrace, saying nothing for what feels like a long time, but is probably no more than a minute.

Phil's heart swells with affection for Dan, and he knows it must be obvious. He won't say it, but he feels as though his entire body must almost radiate it. Like every fiber of his being slowly dissolves into what Dan had become for him.

He has to keep Dan oblivious to it. He has to focus on making him feel better.

"I'll help you with the food," Dan whispers eventually, pulling away from Phil much too soon.

 

It turns out that Dan is a better cook than Phil is, but even then, they're both fairly average. They sit down on the sofa and eat in companionable silence as Dan flips through the options on Netflix, at last settling on some action film that Phil has no interest in watching.

In truth, he has little interest in anything right now. It's kind of like walking on eggshells, and he's not sure which direction to take, how to make it better for Dan.

As Phil looks at Dan out of the corner of his eye, worry once again pushes any other, more selfish thoughts out of his mind. He'll let Dan lead the way today. Dan should decide what kind of comfort he wants from Phil, and Phil will try to grant it.

 

Sometime in the middle of the film, Dan scoots closer, his shoulder bumping into Phil's. Dan's got his legs pulled up on the sofa. His eyes are big and wide as he stares up at Phil, asking a wordless question.

Phil nods, not really sure what Dan wants to do.

Dan slots himself against Phil, tucking his head onto Phil's shoulder, one arm wrapped around Phil's middle.

Oh. Right. No rule two.

Phil wraps his arm around Dan in return and holds him close, pretending to watch the film in silence.

 

-

 

By the end of the film, Dan's head is in Phil's lap, and Phil's fingers are slowly massaging Dan's scalp. Phil can't even remember the title of the film they were watching. He'd spent half of it worrying how to behave, and the other half focusing on Dan, on the sudden closeness and the lack of words that pass between them.

It just feels natural, doing this. Too natural. Knowing he'll lose it tomorrow is hard, but if it makes Dan feel better today, it's worth it.

Phil doesn't break the silence, not wanting to destroy the moment. He waits for Dan to speak up, and he eventually does, about ten minutes after the film has ended.

"What d'you wanna do now?"

 _This,_ he wants to say.

"It's up to you, Dan," he says softly, still caressing Dan's head.

Dan rolls onto his back, looking up at Phil.

There's still a shade in his eyes, even if it's subdued.

Phil would do just about anything right now, if it meant making Dan feel better. Why is his mind so blank? What do they usually do?

"I…" Dan begins and then pauses, glancing away. "I need… I don't know. I just don't want to think."

Oh, Dan…

"Dan… Did something happen?" Phil tries again, immediately scolding himself for it. Dan didn't want to talk about it and he shouldn't be forcing him.

"I just want to do something." Dan sits up abruptly, nearly hitting Phil in the face. "I just want—let's do something, okay? We can play something."

Phil can't even pretend to understand, can't even pretend to keep up with Dan. But he does understand wanting a distraction. Dan is his most favourite one yet.

They could play Mario Kart, but that's kind of stressful. Most of the games they play are competitive, and while Phil usually loses, he doesn't want to risk Dan getting upset over losing to someone else. He does that sometimes.

He searches his brain for answers, and all that comes up is confusion, wanting to make sense of this whole situation. Rubbish, rubbish brain.

He glances to the side nervously. Dan hasn't moved: he's still sitting facing away from Phil, his back rising and falling in an uneven, quickened pattern. Yeah, he does need a distraction. It was better during the film.

A thought strikes Phil, and he thinks it's a good one.

"Come on, I know what we can play."

 

-

 

"Are you actually kidding? Phil, that looks fucking _hideous_."

"No, it doesn't! Pink and blue and green, it's like neon-y and modern!"

"We've got beige walls, Phil. We're clearly not the neon-y and modern kind of people."

Phil snatches the mouse away from Dan.

"We'll just have to change that!"

A few clicks later, the walls are all hot pink. Dan throws his hands up in exasperation.

"I'd rather _die_ than live in that house."

"It was meant to be my room! No one's telling _you_ to live in it. Shoo." With that, Phil shoves Dan, smiling as he slides away in Phil's computer chair.

Dan's grinning at him, and it's an honest one, as he makes his way back to the desk. It's not as bright as Phil had ever seen him smile, but it's the brightest he's seen today. It's both rewarding and reassuring to see Dan like this.

Yeah, playing The Sims was a good idea, even if they're not getting anywhere with it. It's been three hours, and they're still on the house building stage. Phil still remembered the cheat code that gave them thousands upon thousands of Simoleons, so they're loaded, and their house has four stories. They're not even halfway through the furnishing.

"Look, we only have one Sim," Dan reasons. "So technically, all the rooms are _ours_. I'm not going to agree to this shit."

"No, this is the room that only I will play in! You can't even go in there when you're controlling him. Hold on…" Three clicks later, all the floors are bright green. "There. It's the fun room! You can have your beige walls, the party's over _here_ , mister!"

"You need to move your room to the basement, or I'm going to tear the whole house down."

Phil ignores the threat, goes back to furnishing, and picks out the ugliest bed he can find. He continues scrolling through the different lists, purposefully choosing only the things that Dan whines about. Dan finally loses it when Phil buys a golden statue and sets it by the bed.

"Oh my god, you're horrible, give it here!" Dan exclaims, and reaches for the mouse.

For once in his life, Phil is faster, and moves it behind his back just in time. They both start laughing when Dan lunges at Phil, reaching behind him to try and tear the mouse away. He ends up in Phil's lap in the process, and it doesn't take long for Phil to get distracted by Dan's proximity.

 

The fighting stops abruptly when their eyes meet. They study each other for a moment, then Dan begins to lean in.

Kissing Dan used to mean a surge of desire for Phil, but now, it's just… it's just the feelings he's got. It's just that broken rule, shattered to pieces by now, taunting him and reminding him that this is wrong. He doesn't fight it. He shuts his eyes, giving in without a moment of hesitation.

Instead of the intoxicating feeling of Dan's lips on his, he feels the mouse being stolen away from him, accompanied by the sound of Dan's laughter. He opens his eyes with a start.

There Dan is, still straddling him, laughing like there's no tomorrow, dangling the mouse far over Phil's head.

Phil flushes red with embarrassment at first. How easy to read he must be. Could Dan see it? What he feels? But no, surely not. He'd not be laughing then.

Oh. Dan is _laughing_ , proper laughter that fills the room and echoes within Phil's heart.

"God, Phil, you're too easy." Phil pulls an angry face, which Dan does not seem to be the least bothered by. "I win. We're changing the bloody walls."

Phil's façade drops faster than he wishes, melting away under the joy that re-appeared in Dan's eyes. He knows it likely won't last the whole night, but it's there now, and Phil finds himself feeling honoured to be witness to it.

Fuck. He's really too far gone.

On instinct, Phil's arms slide around Dan's waist, bringing him closer. Dan's eyes widen in response, but he does nothing to stop Phil.

"Kiss me?" Phil says, then timidly adds, "If you feel like it, I mean."

The way Dan beams at him then is heartbreaking for Phil. He longs to see it, but he _shouldn't_ be seeing it. He already knows that he'll suffer for it later.

 

Dan carelessly lets go of Phil's mouse, letting it dangle from the desk, and places his elbows on Phil's shoulders. Phil tilts his head upwards, and they look each other in the eye for about five seconds, seconds during which the laughter in Dan's countenance dissolves into something else. Something that's still joyous, but also heavy.

 _You're beautiful_ , Phil wants to tell Dan. _You're amazing. Fantastic. I adore you._

And it's corny, and it's stupid, and it's downright dangerous. So Phil closes the distance between them, making sure that he cannot speak the words that threaten to fall from his lips as soon as he allows them to.

 

This kiss is different too. It's slow and serves no purpose other than to make Phil feel feather-light. He savours every single time their lips meet. He takes Dan's bottom lip in between his, he pulls away to kiss his cheek, his jaw, his neck.

He doesn't even want to take things further. He just wants to kiss Dan. Because today, he can. No rule two.

Phil wonders if this is the warmth Dan wanted from him when he requested they drop the rule for today. Is he doing the right thing? Is this what Dan wants? Is he pushing him in some way?

Startled by his own thoughts, Phil pulls away a few inches, but Dan chases him, clearly unwilling to stop.

 

So they don't stop, not for a long time.

And it doesn't lead anywhere, but when they're done snogging and Dan climbs off Phil's lap, there's a small smile still playing on Dan's face. It's accompanied by a flutter somewhere in Phil's chest. It's familiar by now, but it also feels different this time.

 

-

 

"Look here," Phil points to the screen, towards a green-haired character. "This one. Talk to this one!"

"Wow, the hair! Stylish! So can we fuck him yet?" Dan asks, browsing through the interactions.

"Dan!" Phil sputters, because he was about to suggest that they choose the _tell a joke about monkeys_ option. "We'd have to romance him first. We've only just met him."

"So you can't fuck someone without…" Dan pauses, thinks for a moment, then reads one of the options out loud. " _Kissing their hands_ first?"

"No."

"What a backwards view. Shame on you, Sims."

This hits a little too close to home for Phil. He's not thinking when he replies to it.

"I mean—I mean, I used to be the same way." Phil gestures at the screen, the list of romantic interactions still open. He then adds needlessly, "Before you."

Dan looks away from the screen and at Phil.

"So you've never had like, a one night stand? Or—or something like we have now?" Dan asks him with caution in his voice.

Phil has to hold back a snort. There's a reason why Martyn says this whole thing with Dan doesn't suit Phil's character.

"No, Dan, of course not," he replies easily, but his heart is still beating faster than just a minute ago. "Have you?"

Pointless question that Phil fully expects Dan to dodge.

"Not really," Dan admits to Phil's surprise. "I mean, never to this extent."

"To what extent, then?" Phil prompts.

"Some flings here and there."

Seeing that Dan is not about to say anything else, Phil divulges, "It was never like that for me. I've always had to… You know, have a connection."

Dan casts a long look at the screen, mindlessly clicking through all sorts of different dialogue options. "Why me, then?"

Phil tries, and fails, not to think of the fact that Dan might very well be the person he's felt the most connection to in his entire history of dating.

"Why _me_?" he fires back instead, capturing Dan's attention.

"You never answered my question."

"And now you're dodging mine."

Dan seems to ponder Phil's words for a bit, and then turns his eyes back to the screen.

"Look at that cheeky lil' shit. He's flirting with the bartender."

Phil gets the hint and drops the subject. "And he hates the one we tried to get with! We should've paused the game!"

"Nah. Sometimes life works in mysterious ways, Phil."

 

-

 

Dan keeps Phil up until four in the morning. It's a good thing it's a Saturday.

They play Sims, they eat leftovers, they watch some Buffy, and they shower together again.

Phil finds himself feeling exposed as he stands there bare, under the warm stream of water, with Dan's eyes on him. However, it quickly becomes clear that Dan is not trying to start anything. He merely allows Phil to take his time as he slathers shower gel all over Dan's body.

It feels intimate. It feels _scary_.

Phil doesn't want it to end.

 

They move to bed afterwards, with no question as to whether Dan should be staying over.  Phil doesn't even want to think of letting him out of his sight now, when he is still not sure if Dan is okay.

Sneaking under the covers, they both lie down on their sides, facing each other. It's Dan that reaches out to entwine their fingers. Phil glances at their now joined hands. It's an odd feeling described by one word – anxious. Happy anxious and bad anxious, all at the same time.

"Phil…" Dan begins, then trails off. His eyes keep flitting all across Phil's face. There's a little crease between his brows and Phil can see him swallow thickly.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

Phil smiles and shakes his head slightly, dismissing the sentiment. He pulls Dan's hand up to his lips and kisses his knuckles.

"Are you better, Dan?"

"I'm better," Dan whispers, then adds, "Today."

"I'm glad."

"You don't think less of me now?"

"Think less of you? Why would I do that?"

"I just show up at your flat in the middle of the night for a booty call, and—and end up, well, a fucking _mess_ , and you have to babysit me the whole day—"

"Dan," Phil interjects. "Dan, _no_. I—" He has to pause, prepare his words so that he doesn't say too much. "Dan, I'm not babysitting you. I wanted us to be… friends. Friends are there for each other."

Dan appears to be moved by what Phil said. He bites his lip and averts Phil's eyes.

"I never wanted you to see me like this," Dan mutters bitterly after a pause.

"You've seen me when I had a bad day too," Phil tries, but the moment he says it, he wants to take the words back. They feel inadequate, almost dismissive.

Dan scoffs, but it's without malice or anger. "Yeah, a bad day. Yeah. I guess you're right."

"I'm sorry—"

"Don't be. It's—it's true. It was a bad day." Dan finally stops avoiding Phil and meets his insistent stare. "Today was better," he repeats.

Phil's lips stretch into a smile that feels difficult to keep up. His face feels stiff, almost like a mask. He wants to know more, but he doesn't wish to pry or hurt Dan. He feels lost, but he can't rely on Dan to help him out here. He's on his own.

 

Dan's untangles his fingers from Phil's, but before Phil gets to mourn the loss, Dan brings his thumb up to Phil's lips and traces along their curve.

Phil is losing all this tomorrow, isn't he? It'll be back to casual friends and amazing sex.

He doesn't want to. This physical affection, he wants to keep it. Even if they can't be together, he doesn't want to put an end to this.

He doesn't say anything, he just kisses Dan's thumb lightly. The weight of this: Dan's dark eyes boring into his, the feelings that weigh a ton and live within his heart, the things he keeps secret, the things he will never be able to say… It's all too much.

"It's still today, right?" Dan whispers, pulling Phil back up to the surface. "No rule two yet."

"It's only tomorrow when we go to sleep," Phil replies.

"Let's not sleep yet."

"Yeah."

 

They both scoot over closer, remaining on their sides. Dan's arm falls somewhere behind Phil's neck, while Phil's is draped across Dan's waist.

Like earlier today, they take their time. Dan kisses Phil without their usual fervor, but with every bit of sweetness that Phil could ever have wished for. Phil returns it in full.

Dan's lips taste like home by now, and it's a frightening thought.

Phil can't even remember feeling like this ever before. It's a physical pain in his chest, a wish to meld into Dan and disappear, to never have to lose this moment of borrowed joy.

To never see Dan so weary, dragged down by things beyond Phil's knowledge.

Phil brings his free hand up to Dan's cheek. He takes Dan’s bottom lip between both of his, then lets go and presses their lips together, only pausing for air. He doesn't know how long they are kissing for, but it feels like forever, while simultaneously feeling like a split second.

 

They roll over so that Phil ends up on top.  Phil thinks that they both know where this is headed, but it doesn't feel like an escape this time. Of course, it is a way to forget that it will inevitably end.

But today is about Dan. Phil will worry about tomorrow when it comes.

Phil's lips break apart from Dan's, but only to kiss his way up his jaw, towards his ear. He bites Dan's earlobe lightly, relishing the little giggle that fades into a stifled moan when he doesn't stop. He moves down to the neck, tracing a path with his lips, lapping at the sensitive skin with care.

He doesn't need to be possessive today.

He grinds into Dan slowly, but when Dan chases him, longing for more contact, Phil holds him down.

"Let me make you feel good today, Dan," Phil whispers. His voice breaks as he adds, "Please."

Dan stares up at Phil. Does he see it? Does he _know_?

No, Dan's thoughts seem to take a different direction. When he speaks, that strain in his voice returns, clenching Phil's insides with worry.

If only Phil could look inside Dan's head…

"You don't need to."

"I want to." Phil can't, he can't, he can't. He can't handle the way Dan is looking at him, can't handle this feeling like his heart is about to burst.

Before Dan says anything else, Phil is already moving down his neck, kissing every inch of skin along the way. Dan’s chest, pausing at the nipples. His stomach. The trail of hair that leads underneath the waistband of the pyjama pants Phil lent him earlier.

Dan is _beautiful_ , and Phil hates that thought, but that doesn't make it any less true.

He helps Dan shimmy out of the pyjama pants, and immediately begins to make up for lost time, kissing his way down Dan's stomach, down to his thighs.

Dan is already half-there, but Phil doesn't rush things. He takes his time, sucking at the sensitive skin on Dan's inner thigh, trailing open-mouthed kisses everywhere except where Dan wants him the most.

 

When Dan begins to squirm under the slightest touch, he finally grants him the relief he needs. He begins by licking his way up Dan's length, stopping and starting, teasing him before finally taking him into his mouth.

"Phil," Dan moans. Phil knows he's looking at him, but he doesn't meet his eyes. "Phil."

He hollows out his cheeks and begins to move up and down, quickly falling into the rhythm he already knows works well for Dan.

"I'm close," Dan pants after a while. "I'm close."

Phil could just end it there, but some stupid, ridiculous, dangerous notion in his head tells him to pause. He wants to see Dan. Kiss his lips. Hold him.

One last time, before they go back to their previous arrangement.

 

He stops, ignoring Dan's complaints, and moves up until their eyes are on the same level. Dan grinds into him, seeking friction that Phil grants, knowing it takes a little more than that for Dan to be pushed over the edge.

As Phil hovers over Dan, two thoughts swim around his head, the first of which he can't say out loud. He settles for the second.

"You're so beautiful, Dan," he breathes, observing Dan through his half-closed eyes.

Dan's breath is caught in his throat. His eyes are open wide, boring into Phil's unabashedly.

If Phil didn't know any better, he'd almost think that Dan's thoughts might be a mirror of his own. There is too much affection in the way Dan looks at him, and it hurts. It _hurts_.

 

Phil breaks away, moving back down with the intention to stop teasing Dan and just bring him the relief that he so desperately needs by now. However, Dan holds him in place, wrapping both his arms and legs around Phil's body.

"Stay," Dan whispers.

He can't resist it. He stays, and his eyes remain locked with Dan's as he reaches between them to bring Dan past the edge. Dan reciprocates, but his movements are erratic, unfocused. Their lips meet time and time again, and whenever they're not kissing, they're looking each other in the eyes.

"You're beautiful," Phil repeats, unable to help himself. "You're amazing. You're—you're fantastic, Dan." He's blabbering now, saying everything except the thing he most wants to say.

Dan comes apart beneath him a few seconds later, and Phil follows eventually, working himself with Dan's help. For a few seconds, his mind is blissfully blank. When he comes down from his high, it all catches up to him quickly.

This was so fucking different, and so fucking _wrong_. How is he supposed to hide his feelings from Dan, if in the heat of the moment he does the very opposite? Panic sets in, its long fingers pulling Phil down its dark chasm, taking away his ability to breathe.  He is still hovering over Dan, but he keeps his eyes shut as he tries to regain both his breath and his composure.

Suddenly, he feels Dan's lips on his forehead. He immediately opens his eyes.

Dan's mouth is slightly agape. There is a dampness in his curls. His pupils are dark, blown, making his eyes appear to be almost black.

"You're not so bad yourself," Dan whispers, and Phil's soul is set on fire right in that very moment.

 

Another hour passes before Dan falls asleep. Phil stays awake until he's sure that Dan is sleeping soundly.

 

- 

Sunday starts slowly.

They try to make pancakes that end up looking horrid, but taste great. They head out for coffee, but then come right back to Phil's, no mention of Dan leaving whatsoever.

They inevitably end up on the sofa, an episode of Black Mirror playing in the background of Phil's insistent thoughts.

It's a new day. They stop breaking rule two, up until they break it again when Phil pulls Dan close, putting them in a position that could be referred to as cuddling. That _is_ cuddling, if Phil is being honest.

Dan doesn't protest. He melds into Phil's body wordlessly, eyes remaining on the screen.

A few minutes pass.

"Let's just extend the rule thing to this whole weekend," Dan says nonchalantly. "It's pointless to stop it today."

"Sure," Phil agrees. It sounds casual, but it's the exact opposite.

 

-

 

Phil falls asleep holding Dan in his arms, and wakes up the same way.

When they kiss one final time before heading outside, Phil has that feeling of waking up from a dream. It was pleasant, but it couldn’t have lasted much longer.

They head to work together and then part their ways at the lift, Phil being the first to leave. The last thing he sees before the doors close is Dan, with Phil's shirt on his body and a strange kind of fear in his eyes.

 

-

 

It's Monday night by the time Phil decides to make the call. It's not easy for him. It's never easy to admit you were being delusional.

But he'll do it, because he seems to be left with no choice.

 

Martyn answers after the first ring.

"Phil?"

"You were right. I don't know what to do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was pretty slow, I hope you still like it! We're picking up pace from now on - little spoiler there for you. Thank you for commenting, and I do sincerely appreciate comments and [reblogs](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/179052834560/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-19-different) if you feel like it <3
> 
> Also - sincere thanks to my wonderful beta [insectbah](https://insectbah.tumblr.com), who is pretty much giving me therapy with all this help and encouragement <3 You're amazing!  
> Thank you to all the kind people who encouraged me as well, and [outphan](http://outphan.tumblr.com) who read this despite not knowing the fic!! I love you all.


	20. worry

 

_Wednesday_

 

Phil stares at himself in the mirror, examining his own tired eyes. It's been a long day.

Martyn's words echo inside his head. _You need to tell him, Phil_.

Phil might have done that, but he knows what it would have meant. He knows the risk, and he's not sure he is prepared to take it.

 

Dan hasn't responded to his texts today, and yesterday the replies were sparse.

It wasn't all that unusual in the past, but now…

Now Phil finds himself feeling kind of… split in half.

He worries about Dan. First and foremost, he just worries. He doesn't _know_ , doesn't fully understand, but the pieces are starting to come together in a way that tells him he is on the right track in his assumptions. But what _are_ those assumptions? Dan must be going through a hard time, but what caused it? A bad break up? Possibly. Would Dan tell him? Not very likely.

Beneath all that worry, in some selfish corner of his brain, he worries about himself too, kind of the way Martyn seems to do. It feels like he is on the road to heartbreak, and he doesn't know which direction to take if he wants to avoid it.

If Dan behaved normally, if they would have met up the next day, maybe Phil would worry less. But as it is now, with Dan radio silent for the whole day, Phil begins to wonder if he mucked things up during the weekend. Was it too much? Was it too obvious?

Wasn't Dan okay with it?

 _You should just tell him,_ Martyn told him when they spoke on Monday. _What have you got to lose? Don't be daft, Phil. The guy clearly likes you back._

 _I can't,_ Phil replied then.

_Why?_

 

Phil shakes his head, and his image in the mirror does the same thing.

He looks tired, he thinks. He knows he is not old by any means, but he feels that way sometimes. Ten years ago, he'd imagined his life would be a bit different now.

His forehead is not as smooth as it once was, and there are tiny little lines in the corner of his eyes. His hairline moved up ever so slightly over the years. In a few months, he'll be 29, and then a year later, he will be 30.

Why is he still as insecure as he was back in his teens? Surely he should be more confident. More like Martyn. He should go for what he wants, and if Dan is what he wants, then he should just go for it.

He can imagine himself doing that, actually. He thinks of Dan, and the person in the mirror looks at him in a completely different way. His gaze softens, and the small smile that creeps onto his face is completely involuntary.

Is this the way he looks when he looks at Dan?

 _You should just tell him_.

"I like you," he whispers, trying the words out for size. _I like you_? What is he, thirteen? "I want to be with you, properly." But he can't say that, can he? He can't admit to breaking the rules. "I have… feelings for you."

Phil shakes his head again. He's being a complete, absolute moron. Dan hasn't even talked to him all bloody day, and he's doing what, rehearsing? Rehearsing for the speech he will never give?

What if Dan is struggling, and Phil is selfishly thinking of his own desires?

Or maybe Dan's just busy. His internship is coming to an end, so it makes sense for them to give him more work. Phil worked late today too, same as last night.

Or maybe Dan doesn't want to talk to him, because he figured out Phil's feelings.

He grabs his phone and sends one more text.

 

**Phil, 10:22 PM**

Dan, I understand you might want to be alone, but just let me know you're okay? I'm worried

 

Phil falls asleep around three in the morning. Dan never replies.

 

-

_Thursday_

 

"I don't know where to start, Phil. How did you even get hired here? Zero creativity, _zero_! How many times do I have to tell you: this is an _important_ client!"

Phil sits quietly, watching his assignment get torn to pieces. It's not unusual, but this time, he has to silently agree with Vivian. It's truly not his best work.

He's been distracted this week. It's really no wonder. But does it give her the right to speak to him that way? He remembers Dan's words, his indignation on Phil's behalf. If he were here, maybe he'd tell her off. Phil just doesn't have the energy to even consider it anymore.

"I can re-do the assignment if you tell me what's wrong," he offers.

"It would be easier to tell you what isn't!"

Phil holds back a sigh as he watches Vivian hit play on his video, showing it on a big projector. She stands up, leaving Phil at the desk, and begins to rant about each and every thing.

He tunes her out, only half-listening as she insults him and his work. Instead, he checks his phone yet again, but there are no texts from Dan.

He feels alone, abandoned. For a moment, he regrets this whole thing. Meeting Dan, falling for him, growing to depend on him too.

"How idiotic do you have to be to not understand a simple set of directions? The client said _happy red_. Does this look happy to you?"

Phil kind of hates how he now associates _happiness_ with Dan. What kind of happiness is this, this twisted thing between them? The good kind, apparently, considering that the mere thought of Dan makes him feel better, even while he is being yelled at.

Still staring down at his phone, he is struck by an idea that Dan himself had brought up a few weeks ago. Somehow, despite all the confusion, all the worry and all the regret, he knows one thing for sure. Dan wouldn't want him to sit here and listen to Vivian tear him down mercilessly.

Dan would want better for him. Of that, Phil is absolutely certain.

 

With a careful glance at Viv, he opens up his voice recorder app and presses _record_.

 

-

 

**Phil, 4:12 PM**

Dan?

 

**Phil, 4:23 PM**

Dan

 

Phil still hasn't made it back to his office. The phone in his hand feels heavy, and when placed in his pocket, seems to be burning into his flesh. He did something he never would have done just a few months ago, and while exhilarating, it also makes him feel immensely guilty.

 

He wants to see Dan. Not just for comfort; he wants to know Dan is okay. He's waited long enough. It's Thursday, and he hasn't heard from Dan for two full days now.

Phil makes up his mind, too nervous to overthink right now. He stops aimlessly wandering around the halls, and makes his way towards the lifts. Once there, he chooses floor nineteen.

Luckily for Phil, he's been here many times before. Mostly in the storage closet, obviously, but he knows where Dan and the other interns work. He walks fast, picking up pace lest he changes his mind, and stops right outside the door to the office.

Deep breath. Even if Dan doesn't want to see him, at least Phil will know he is okay. At least that.

His heart is racing as he knocks on the door and walks into the office, but he is only met with disappointment. He finds four people inside the office, but none of them are Dan.

"Um, hi, I'm—I'm looking for Dan Howell, is he in a meeting?" he asks awkwardly, uneasy under the scrutiny of four pairs of eyes.

One of the girls speaks up while the others continue staring.

"He's not in. I mean, at all."

"What do you mean?"

She rolls her eyes in what Phil can only assume to be irritation. The others go back to work, leaving her to do all the explaining.

"I mean, he came in on Monday, sat around for a few hours, then said he's feeling poorly and left. Hasn't shown up since. Lydia says he's taken a few sick days."

"Lydia?" Phil echoes, trying to process the information.

"Lydia Williams." She then adds after a pause, "You know? Our boss? What department are you from? Did you need anything from Dan specifically? 'cause I'm supposed to be doing his job while he's sick, but you know, there's _a lot_ , so you should probably just wait till next week or something…"

Phil's head starts swimming with the things the girl is saying to him, so he ends up just rapidly shaking his head while she continues to complain about Dan being away.

"No, I'll just, I'll wait. Okay, thanks, bye!"

He slips out of the room before she says anything else.

 

Dan hasn't been to work at all? He didn't even stay the whole day on Monday? And he hasn't said a word about it in their texts, before going radio silent…

He pulls out his phone and rings Dan, but of course, Dan is not picking up.

What happened? Is he okay? Is he really ill? Why didn't he say anything?

He goes back to his office to pick up his bag and then leaves, merely telling his colleagues that he has an emergency. He needs to go check on Dan.

 

-

 

Phil arrives at Dan's place about half an hour later, even more agitated than before. His Uber driver turned out to be very chatty and ignored Phil's hints at not wanting conversation. As a result, Phil was forced to spend the whole ride listening to the man tell him about his ex-wife, while only one name rung in his ears. _Dan_.

 

He runs up the steps into the building, and then the steps up to Dan's apartment, thinking that he is overreacting. That Dan might just have a cold. That Dan is ignoring him for a reason, and last weekend is that reason.

But what if—

"Dan!" he shouts when he reaches the door, then starts banging on it. "Dan? Open up! Dan!"

Phil goes through every possible stage of fear for about a minute before hearing the lock click and finally seeing Dan as he opens the door.

Relief. First and foremost, _relief_. Phil's imagination had gone to every possible place – Dan being sick, Dan being in the hospital, Dan leaving without a word – and the relief is instantaneous and overwhelming. It only lasts until the moment his eyes meet Dan's, though.

 

Dan reminds Phil of the Dan he'd seen on Friday night, except he looks _worse_. His hair is mostly a bunch of messy, tangled curls, his shirt has a stain down the front and hangs far too loosely over his frame. He stares at Phil in shock, but not even that manages to cover up how tired he seems to be.

Phil's heart sinks. Why hadn't Dan come to him? He did on Friday. Why not now?

Was Phil too busy? Should he have come sooner? But it's only been four days…

"Dan," Phil stammers, not knowing what to say.

Dan seems to shrink back. He casts a nervous glance over his shoulder, into the dark lounge. All of his lights appear to be off, and the curtains are drawn. When Dan looks back at Phil, he crosses his arms over his chest and takes a step closer, blocking the door.

"What are you doing here?" Dan shoots back.

"You weren't responding, and then—then I found out you weren't at work, and—"

Dan looks down to the floor and stares at his own bare feet.

"I'm sick."

"Sick?"

"Like a cold. You should go."

"I'm not going anywhere, Dan. Not until you're better."

Dan snorts at this, but it's such a sad, broken sound that Phil's heart only sinks even more. Eventually Dan heads inside, not checking to see if Phil follows him. Of course, he does.

Phil shuts the door and follows Dan into the lounge.

The room is only illuminated by the faint light that is coming from Dan's laptop, which stands perched on the coffee table. Even in this light, Phil can tell that the lounge is a bit of a mess. He suddenly realises that he hasn't been at Dan's since their trip to Isle of Man, and it kind of looks like Dan also hasn't cleaned since then.

Pizza boxes, empty cola bottles, and an empty bottle of rum litter both the table and the floor near the sofa. The sofa itself is covered by Dan's grey, fluffy blanket, and in the corner of it, Phil spots another pizza box.

 

Dan stands in the middle of the room, with his back turned to Phil. Phil, standing a few steps away, finds that he doesn't know what to say or do in this situation.

Dan seemed alright when they parted ways on Monday morning. Was that just for show?

A thousand questions run through his mind, and they all seem wrong. It's like a replay of Friday night, only now, Phil is twice as confused and even scared for Dan.

The silence stretches for far too long as Phil wills himself to calm down. Dan is here, he's okay, _sick_ obviously did not mean a cold, and it's just as obvious that he should not be at work. Phil is with him, and won't leave until Dan starts to throw plates at him, which is not likely to happen. It's alright.

Focus on Dan.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Phil asks at last. The sound of his own voice almost startles him, only proving how quiet they both are.

"Tell you what?"

"That you're still not alright."

Dan sighs tiredly, his tense shoulders rising and falling slowly. He then turns around, faces Phil, and looks him in the eye. "I thought I was. Up until like, five hours later."

"Is that—does that happen a lot?" Phil prods gently. He risks it and takes three steps ahead, putting them in much closer proximity. Dan doesn't move away.

"I don't like to talk about it."

Phil presses his lips into a thin line, worry creasing his forehead. He opens his mouth, about to speak, but he is interrupted by Dan.

"I don't like to talk about it because people either like, _pity_ me, or they think I'm being dramatic, or they're just pricks about it." There is a challenge in Dan's eyes now, a look that almost dares Phil to prove him right, to fall neatly into one of those three categories.

Phil won't. He doesn't want to.

"I didn't come here to judge you," Phil says, his voice barely above a whisper. "I came here because I was worried about you."

Dan's expression softens considerably as the challenge fades back into something tired, worn out.

"What do you expect me to say?"

Phil replies with a question. "What can I do?"

"You can't just magically fix depression, Phil. It doesn't fucking work like that."

Dan breaks eye contact and goes to sit on the sofa as the word _depression_ hangs in the air between them.

Well. Phil _kind of_ knew, but it still hits him hard as some more elements of the puzzle begin to fall into place.

"But you felt better this weekend," he says weakly, as it's the first thing to come to mind.

"I was _distracted_ this weekend," Dan retorts, "and then I lost my distraction."

"I can be your distraction!"

Their eyes meet again. Dan's eyes glisten as he replies, "You are."

Despite the shade of hurt that runs through his mind at the thought of really being a _distraction_ , Phil holds Dan's gaze as he walks over to the sofa where Dan is sitting down. Dan tilts his head to continue looking at Phil.

"We don't have to talk about this," Phil says after a pause. He is itching to touch Dan, but keeps himself from it.

"You should just go, 'm alright," Dan dismisses. Phil doesn't know how much he means it, but he does know that he couldn't possibly bring himself to leave right now. Carefully, he sets aside the empty pizza box that was on the sofa, and sits next to Dan. He keeps his distance this time, choosing to let Dan do what he wants, much like the weekend.

"I don't want to go."

Dan glances at him, visibly affected. It takes a while, but he shrugs, and that is all the invitation Phil needs.

 

-

 

It's different than the weekend.

Dan keeps his distance, so Phil doesn't push him into any sort of physical contact. He allows Dan to be silent, but he does convince him to go to bed for a bit. In the meantime, Phil cleans. He gathers all the empty boxes and bottles into one large bin bag, does the washing up, and cleans some stains off the coffee table. It doesn't take him long, but the end result is good.

Only after all that is done does he slip into the bedroom, finding Dan awake, eyes insistently planted on the ceiling.

"Should I go now?" he asks quietly after a long stretch of silence, still standing in the door to the bedroom.

"I'm sorry I'm like this," Dan whispers. "This is not exactly fuck buddy territory, is it?"

Phil smiles, but fortunately, Dan cannot see it. His smile is a mixture of pain and fondness, and he doesn't know which one is easier to spot.

"It's kinda friend territory though, I think!" he says, forcing his voice to sound cheerful.

There is bitterness in the way Dan speaks when he says, "Is it."

"Of course it is—"

"Not really." Dan sits up abruptly. Phil stays put. "D'you wanna know why my ex left me?"

Wow. Out of all the things Phil expected to hear, this was definitely _not_ one of them. He shakes his head slightly, frowning as he tries to understand the change in direction. Mere seconds ago Dan’s voice was barely audible, but now it’s growing in volume rapidly, further highlighted by the frantic tone of it.

"It's because I was _boring_ , Phil. This—this shit, I—I've only started meds recently, and before—I just had no energy, you know? I didn't want to go anywhere, I didn't want to do anything, I—" Dan stops, breaking eye contact. His breaths come in quick succession now, adding to the list of signs of distress. "I would have the energy to see him one day, and then the next I'd be like, _no_. I physically can't leave the fucking bed."

"I understand," Phil whispers, even though he doesn't fully.

"And I fucking _hated_ uni. It was the worst. I'm not fit to be a lawyer, am I? I still don't understand anything, Phil! Nothing! And it's like—" Dan leaps off the bed in a sudden burst of energy. He starts to pace the limited space of the bedroom, while Phil watches him with a cocktail of fear and worry coursing through his veins. "He listened to me, for a while. But then he just—he'd not say anything, he'd be like _I already told you what to do and you never listen, what else do you expect_."

And just like that, Phil is so angry at this guy, this guy he'd never met, this guy that made Dan think he's shit just because he is ill. Dan continues pacing, paying little attention to Phil, seemingly just wanting to get the words out at this point.

"He didn't even tell me it was over. I had to do it. He barely spoke to me, he said—he said I was always moaning about shit."

"That's just—" Phil begins, but Dan interrupts him.

"And the thing is, he's not a bad guy! He's _not_. I was just shit at communication, at like, being somewhere outside of my own fucking head." Dan finally stops and faces Phil, tears long having spilled from his eyes. "He got bored of me and my problems. I mean, I get it. I'm bored of them too."

Phil can't take it anymore. He closes the distance between them in two long strides and pulls Dan into his arms. Dan doesn't protest, merely pressing his arms against Phil's chest and resting his head on Phil's shoulder. Phil holds him closer than he should, probably depriving him of breath, and just stands still with Dan in his embrace.

"And it's like—I don't _miss_ him. I was glad when it was done. But sometimes I just—I just hate myself, you know? I hate that I get like this. I hate that _you're_ seeing me like this! Because—because you're just going to leave now too, you're gonna think I'm fucked up, and I'm not, am I? I'm just tired, Phil, I'm just fucking tired."

"Shhh," Phil whispers softly. "Dan, I won't leave. You're not boring. You're not fucked up. You're great."

"I don't want to date anyone because it's all going to go to shit." Dan jumping subjects is giving Phil whiplash, but he tries to keep up. "You know that, right? You know I still don’t—"

"I know," he interjects, because he doesn't want to hear it.

Dan exhales. "I'm going to regret this tomorrow," he mumbles, "Fuck, I regret this right _now_."

"Dan, you—you don't have to. It's not your fault you feel like this."

"It's my fault I'm showing it to you." Dan pulls back slightly, which allows them to look each other in the eyes. "We were meant to _fuck_ , nothing else."

Martyn's words once again ring in Phil's ears.

_You can't keep doing this to yourself, Phil. You've got to tell him._

"Dan, I—"

Dan looks up, eyes teary, cheeks flushed, and meets Phil's gaze not with interest, but with fear. Is he afraid that Phil might leave? Or is he afraid of what Phil might say?

The fact is that… that Dan needs him. In some form, in some capacity, Dan needs Phil, and Phil knows it.

 

Phil doesn't have the best life. There are many things he is unhappy with, but—but it's nowhere near as bad as it is for Dan. Dan, the guy he considered an absolute prick at the beginning. Dan, who stands there vulnerable and clearly scared of what Phil is about to say.

And Phil _knows_ what he was about to say. It starts with an _I_ and ends with a _you_ , and the word in between is still subject to debate.

Everything makes more sense now. This arrangement, this whole mess. Dan's behaviour. His reluctance. His cryptic words.

Phil can't cure him, but Phil can help him along as he tries to get better.

As such, the sentence ends in a much different way than he had intended it to.

"Dan, I'm not going to leave. I'll be your friend. You don't have to keep things from me."

Dan stares at him, clearly trying to make sense of it. "But what about… you _know_. Are we still going to… Do you mean _friend_ and that’s it? You want to stop?"

"We don’t have to stop. I'll be—I'll be whatever you want. We can keep it as it is."

"Are you serious?"

 

Phil takes Dan's face in both of his hands, running his thumb through the wet tracks left by tears, and marvels at the beauty of the man before him. Dan is beautiful, inside and out, and right now, more than ever before, Phil longs for just one thing.

Dan's happiness. Stupidly, carelessly far above his own.

"I'll always be here, Dan," he promises. "Always."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I'm so sorry for no update on Thursday. As you know, this fic is complete, so I feel really bad. This chapter was a struggle to edit though. I posted about it on [tumblr ](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/179184180310/itdwy-readers-i-feel-really-bad-right-now)if you want to know more. I promise it won't happen again. <3
> 
> Second, thank you for reading this! Please let me know your thoughts, we finally know more about Dan and I'm curious what you think! [Reblogs on tumblr](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/179284472835/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-20-worry) are welcome too!
> 
> Last but not least, thank you to the bestest beta reader ever, [insectbah](http://insectbah.tumblr.com), who basically gives me therapy every chapter haha. Also thank you to [i-am-my-opheliac](http://i-am-my-opheliac.tumblr.com/) and [thelesterhowells](https://thelesterhowells.tumblr.com/) for also helping me out a lot, as well as all of you for being so lovely and kind.


	21. support

_The next day_

 

Phil checks himself in the mirror, slender fingers running through his hair in order to achieve the right kind of quiff. He is wearing a shirt that Dan lent him, and it fits him well. Dan was right, he doesn't look that bad in black.

Dan appears in the mirror a few steps behind him, and their eyes meet in the reflection. Phil turns around to face him properly.

There are dark circles underneath Dan's eyes, and he is still wearing the same clothes that he had been wearing yesterday. Phil didn't force him to do anything. They spent most of the night lying in bed, either talking quietly or watching something. Phil barely paid attention to the show, glancing at Dan every minute or two.

 

It feels wrong to leave him now and go to work. Phil doesn't want to do it.

"I know what you're thinking," Dan says, interrupting his train of thought. "Go to work, Phil. I'll stay in today and go back on Monday."

"I could take a sick day too," Phil rushes to offer. Dan shakes his head.

"And have that bitch yell at you for it? No way. Go, I'm fine, really. I'll be fine." Seeing that Phil appears unconvinced, Dan adds, "Look, I've managed to live with this shit for years before meeting you. You don't have to… you don't have to babysit me."

"But you're worse now."

"Not any worse than usual when I get these fucking moods, Phil. Really, I'm fine."

They remain silent as Dan waits for Phil to give in. He does, eventually, muttering a quiet _alright_ followed by a deep sigh.

"Can I come see you after work?" Phil asks timidly, breaking eye contact.

Phil sees Dan's feet shift awkwardly as he ponders the question. "I'm... I don't really feel like... You _know_. Today."

"I mean as your friend," Phil clarifies, looking back up at Dan. "We could just hang out."

Dan bites his lip hard, bringing his hand up to the back of his neck. Phil can already hear the _no_ as he watches Dan, who is trying to come up with an answer.

"You don't have to feel sorry for me, you know."

"I don't," Phil says hurriedly, then adds, "I mean, I do? I _don't_? I don't—I don't pity you, Dan. I wish you could be happy, but if you're not, I want to be here for you."

Something changes in Dan's face, and Phil can't quite name it. Dan inhales sharply, as if Phil's words knocked the wind out of him.

Phil glances at the clock on Dan’s wall. He is definitely going to be late for work.

 

"Don't you have anything better to do on a Friday night?" Dan asks him at last.

"Me? You know me. I'd probably just be sat in my pants, playing Mario Kart and crying when I lose."

Phil hopes for a smile, and he gets the smallest hint of one.

Finally, after a long exhale, Dan says quietly, "Guess you can come cry at mine, then."

Phil grins from ear to ear. Why is he this happy about it? They've hung out regularly for a while now.

"I'll bring tissues," Phil promises, already planning to get Dan some groceries too. The state of his fridge is just sad. "Text me if you're bored, please?"

"Yeah."

Phil steps forward then, taking the few steps that separate him from Dan and stopping right in front of him. Seeing Dan like this just hurts, it hurts more than Phil ever would have thought, and it makes him wonder why Dan became so important so fast.

He remembers last night. Dan was in his arms for almost the entirety of it. He felt each of Dan's breaths against his chest when Dan finally drifted to sleep. It almost feels too natural to hold Dan now.

 

He leans in, watching as Dan closes his eyes, expecting to be kissed. But that is not what Phil does.

Phil pulls him into another tight hug, holding him wordlessly. At first, Dan merely stands there, probably surprised that this is what Phil chose to do. However, after a few moments pass Dan sneaks his arms around Phil and returns the hug in full.

Phil doesn't know how much time passes in silence. Too much, that's for sure.

"I'll see you tonight," he whispers in Dan's ear. As if on cue, Dan begins to pull away.

"Alright."

 

-

 

Phil picks up two bags of groceries on the way to Dan's. He can't pretend to know all of Dan's favourites, but he knows enough to be sure that he's making the right choices.

Once he is standing at Dan's door, waiting for him to answer, he can't help fidgeting nervously.

How will Dan be feeling after this whole day spent alone?

 

Dan looks different than he did this morning.

His hair is slightly wet from what must have been a recent shower. He still looks tired, but he made an effort. He's wearing a pair of joggers and a long t-shirt that has cats in space suits on it. The sight is more endearing to Phil than he cares to admit.

A small smile appears on Dan's face and then fades into surprise when he spots the bags Phil is carrying.

"Phil... What are you doing?"

"Making sure you don't die of pizza poisoning?"

Phil pushes past Dan with a grin, carrying the bags to the kitchen. It's an intoxicating feeling, this. So often it's Dan doing what he wants, but today, it's Phil. And Phil _did_ manage to surprise him.

"You really shouldn't have..."

"I live life on the edge, Howell," Phil jokes. He starts unloading the bags, leaving things for Dan to put away.

Dan somewhat reluctantly joins him after a moment's consideration. He puts things in their respective cupboards, glancing at Phil every few seconds.

"You're weird," Dan states when they're done with the groceries. Phil turns to look at him in surprise.

"What have I done now?"

"You're such a genuinely nice person. It's weird."

"Is it?"

Phil leans back against the counter, while Dan remains a few steps away. He is staring at Phil intently, so much so that Phil yearns to look in a different direction.

"In my experience, yeah."

 _Your ex was a prick, he doesn't count_ , Phil wants to say, but holds back. If Dan wants to believe the guy was nice, Phil sees no reason to argue if it's all in the past.

But is it? Does Dan still miss him after all?

"I'm sure your friends are just as nice," Phil replies, "your _other_ friends, I mean."

"Yeah, all my hundreds of friends that can't be arsed to call me are _super_ nice." Phil winces at the bitterness in Dan's tone. "To be fair, I kind of ignored them all when I moved here."

"Are they really that bad?"

"Well, they wish me a happy birthday on Facebook. One texts me from time to time." Dan shrugs, then spins around and heads towards the lounge. "Come on, it's a Friday night. We're watching Buffy."

Phil finds it harder and harder to keep up with Dan, but for Dan's sake, he continues to try.

 

-

 

The distance melts away as they break rule two again without as much as remarking on it. Phil doesn't need Dan to spell it out for him. It's temporary, of course, but Phil can't deny that he enjoys it when Dan snuggles up to him out of his own will, his curls tickling Phil's neck as they both absently stare at the television. Phil's seen Buffy about a thousand times before, he doesn't need to pay attention. As usual, he focuses on Dan, quite oblivious to the rest of the world.

He wraps his right arm around Dan and allows it to hang loose off Dan’s shoulder, near the neck. It's Dan that grabs his hand then, entwining their fingers without any hesitation.

Dan needs this; Phil knows that now. Phil's task is not to let Dan know how much he needs this too.

 

It's late into the night when they move to bed. Phil kicks off his jeans and removes the shirt Dan had lent him this morning. He folds it carefully and places it on Dan's chair, earning himself an amused glance in reply. Dan's entire bedroom has pieces of clothing scattered all over.

Once they're both in bed, Dan immediately scoots over and rests his head on Phil's chest, preventing any sort of eye contact. He drapes his arm across Phil's ribs and hooks one leg over Phil's. It doesn't surprise Phil anymore, but he is certain that Dan must hear the way his heart beats so, so much faster now. It's torture, this. Bittersweet torture.

"Are you feeling better, Dan?" Phil mumbles into Dan’s hair. The fingers of his right hand are tracing tiny circles between Dan's shoulder blades, carefully brushing his skin, while his left arm is underneath his own head.

"I don't know," Dan whispers in reply. "I never have time to think properly when—when you're here."

It means nothing, but Phil's stupid brain jumps to conclusions quickly. He needs to quiet down his hopes before he speaks again.

"Is that bad?"

"Probably." Phil's heart sinks for a few seconds, then Dan speaks again. "I don't want to like... get used to this, Phil."

"This?"

"You being here for me."

Phil squeezes Dan tightly and draws a shaky breath. "Don't you trust me?"

"I dunno." It hurts, like a wound caused by a knife coated in salt. "I told you. Slippery slope, you and me."

"What does that even mean?" Phil demands with more emotion in his voice than he intends.

Phil should shift away and look Dan in the eyes, but he doesn't want to. Somehow, as long as he holds him in his arms, he has a feeling it will all somehow work out.

"We're friends, and we have sex, and it's just—it won't work out in the long run. That, or you'll get sick of me and my whining."

"I won't get sick of you," he promises. "And we could... we could just be friends."

"No," Dan protests quickly. "I don't want to stop."

"You'd rather stop being friends." The way Phil says it, it's a statement and not a question.

"I'd rather have both. But we have to remember... what we agreed on."

 _We're ignoring one of those things right now_ , Phil could say, but he holds back for Dan's sake. He knows full well what Dan is referring to.

"Yeah." Phil mulls it all over in his head for a full minute. "Why don't you want to... you know... stop?"

Dan finally moves away a few inches and tilts his head upwards, meeting Phil's eyes with an unreadable expression on his face. "What are you talking about?"

"We _could_ just be friends, if that's easier for you."

Dan chuckles, but there is little mirth in the sound.

"No."

"Why?" Phil insists, not quite sure why.

"Because it makes me feel alive," Dan blurts out, still maintaining eye contact. "With you. And that's like—that's not an everyday occurrence for me, Phil."

Dan's eyes are big, endless pools of brown, darker still now, with all the lights off. Phil wishes he could somehow reach inside Dan's mind and try to make some sense of it, because right now, he truly cannot.

 

With a sigh that falls somewhere between wonder and fear, he closes the distance between their lips and kisses Dan.

He tries not to think of how much he can relate to Dan's admission.

 

-

 

When Phil leaves on Saturday afternoon, it's on Dan's suggestion.

 _I'll never know if I'm past it if I just spend all my time with you,_ Dan reasoned with him. _I'll just see you on Monday._

 _But are you sure you're okay?_ Phil asked. The abrupt change in behaviour took him for a loop.

 _I'll let you know_.

Dan kissed him as he was leaving, kissed him softly, with both his hands on Phil's cheeks, and the warmth of it was almost enough to cover for the bitter feeling of having to be alone. Again.

 

Once home, Phil wills himself to be productive. There was a time, not too long ago, when he could somehow make heads or tails of this whole Dan situation. Right now, that time feels like ancient history.

Phil's feelings are clear as day. Dan's are too. Phil wishes for stability and dreams of the future against his own will, while Dan doesn't even want to get used to Phil in the first place.

It's a shit situation. Most of all, it's awful that Dan has to go through this, and he won't even allow Phil to be there all the time.

Is that really so weird? Surely they can't spend all of their time together. They're not attached at the hip. Phil sighs as he vacuums, and he sighs as he does the laundry, and he sighs as he flops down on the sofa with his laptop.

This is far too complex. Far too much for a Saturday night.

Far too much for any night, really. All he can do is be there for Dan. He will get over his feelings.

Eventually.

 

-

_Sunday_

Martyn rings him far too early in the morning, inviting him over for dinner in the afternoon. Phil doesn't truly feel like going anywhere, but it will be nice to see his family. Maybe that's just what he needs.

It's unfortunate that he told Martyn all about his feelings in a moment of weakness, because he really doesn't want to discuss them now.

He texts Dan a quick _how are you_ , receiving a _stop worrying mate_ in return. Phil is not a violent person, but he wants to chuck his phone at the wall right then. Alright, fine, he would never chuck his overly expensive phone at _anything_. Maybe he'll just shake it a little, making sure not to drop it.

 

He is greeted at the door by Cornelia, who is looking beautiful in a blue top that highlights her growing belly. Phil gives her a gentle hug, to which she responds by squeezing him properly, clearly much less afraid than he is. In the back of the house, he hears Martyn sing a song while the girls are crying.

"They're a bit fussy today," Cornelia says apologetically, accepting the cookies Phil had bought on the way, and heading towards the dining room.

In there, Phil sees Martyn and his two nieces, dressed in matching lilac and green outfits. Phil doesn't always have the easiest time telling them apart, but luckily for him, Sophie has a birthmark on her arm. When he approaches them, he gives them each a handshake. His heart aches slightly as he remembers Dan doing the exact same thing.

Martyn stands up and pulls Phil close too, patting his back before letting go.

Martyn's expression, although for the most part merely tired, has a hint of worry in it. Phil hates it but is still grateful for it. He joins Martyn in looking after the girls, then goes to check on Cornelia and ends up helping out there too.

Seeing his family is nice, really. Helps him calm down. Of course, it doesn't mean that he doesn't check his phone every few minutes for signs of Dan, and Cornelia is quick to pick up on it.

"Is everything okay, Phil?" she asks carefully, trying to reach the top shelf to retrieve a few glasses. Phil immediately jumps in to assist.

With Cornelia, Phil is usually honest. She's much gentler than his brother, and she doesn't try to embarrass him later. "I'm not sure, really."

She purses her lips with worry as she goes to check the oven.

"It's about Dan, right?" Phil glances at her, so she adds, "Martyn told me—but not a lot! Promise. It was just a tiny bitsy bit."

"It's alright, Corny. Telling Martyn is like telling you, mum, dad, auntie Roz and the posh lady from across the street."

She giggles softly. They both hear Martyn attempt yet another song, which only makes the girls cry louder.

"Darling, don't sing! They hate it so much!" Cornelia calls, then turns back to Phil. "So... am I going to hear any juicy details?"

Phil snorts, shaking his head. "Why are you in here, anyway? Why isn't Martyn doing anything _useful_?"

"Oh, it's his day for dealing with the girls, and mine for cooking," she dismisses. "So? Details? Tell me, Phil. I know that Mar is not exactly the best, um, counselor, yeah?"

"It's way too complicated," Phil says, smiling brightly at her description of his brother.

"I'm sure I can keep up," she shoots back with a smile of her own.

"I'm not sure if I can."

Cornelia is about to ask him another question, but they both hear his phone vibrate in his pocket. Phil nods at her apologetically as he checks it.

It's Dan. Ringing him.

His expression must change drastically, because Cornelia immediately guesses, "Dan, yeah? Go on, pick up. I'll manage here."

He smiles at her gratefully and walks into the hall, answering the phone on the way there.

"Dan? Are you alright?" he inquires urgently.

"Hi to you too, Phil."

Dan's voice, although somewhat subdued, doesn't sound all that bad. Phil exhales in relief.

"You should invite him over!" Cornelia calls, peeking out of the kitchen. Phil grins at her, shaking his head.

"Is something the matter?" Phil insists.

"I didn't know you had company," Dan says instead. He must have heard Cornelia.

"It's just Cornelia. They invited me for Sunday roast."

"Oh."

The silence that then falls starts to feel a little awkward. "Did you—did you call me just to say hi?"

"No, um, nevermind. I—I'll just see you tomorrow."

"No, Dan, wait," Phil pleads. "What's the matter?"

He's whispering. He doesn't want anyone else to hear this.

"I was just sat here thinking, and I thought like, maybe you're bored, so I thought I'd—I thought I'd ring you. But you're _not_ bored, so—"

"You could come over?" Phil interjects, because _of course_ he does. Of course Cornelia's idea is brilliant, as long as Dan does not hate it.

"Come over where?"

"For dinner with my family."

"Phil..."

"Dan, it doesn't mean anything unless you keep _acting_ like it does. Come on, Corny's cooking. It'll be edible."

Phil can practically see Dan roll his eyes.

"I did call to ask you to hang out," Dan admits softly after a pause. "Guess I can come."

Phil holds back the _yay_ that threatens to spill from his mouth. Very childish, that. He settles for a quiet _cool_ , hangs up, and goes to tell Cornelia that they have an extra guest joining them.

 

-

 

"Hello, Dan," Martyn says, his voice tight. Phil hopes that Dan won't pick up on it.

Cornelia makes up for Martyn's cold greeting by hugging Dan just the way she hugged Phil earlier. She then immediately drags him to greet the girls while Phil watches the pair of them walk away.

"Be nice to Dan," Phil says. It's half a plea and half a warning mixed together in one messy bowl.

"He's a good lad, I can't deny it," Martyn mutters, "but he's messing with your head."

 _Of course he is_ , but... "Not intentionally," Phil defends Dan.

"How d'you know that?"

"I just _know_. Please be nice," Phil insists. "He needs some more of that in his life."

Martyn's eyes widen upon hearing Phil's request. He then sighs, shaking his head.

"If this guy breaks your heart, I swear I'm—"

Phil has never loved Cornelia more than he does now, when she shouts from the dining room, "Martyn! Check on the potatoes!"

Martyn does what she asked for, and in the process, he drops the subject.

 

-

 

"Everything tastes amazing," Dan says to Cornelia. "Thanks for having me."

"You're always welcome," she replies warmly.

"You're lucky Cornelia was the one cooking," Phil jokes, finding satisfaction in Martyn's sour expression.

"I'm better than you, you twat!"

The girls look at their dad curiously. Phil thinks that at this rate, their first words might be different from the usual da-da.

"Martyn!" Cornelia chastises.

"What? It's true. Mum said so."

Phil laughs. "That's because I'm better at everything else. She didn't want you to feel left out."

"No, you're horrid. At cooking and like, _everything_ in general."

"Phil isn't _that_ bad at cooking," Dan mutters in between bites of food.

Martyn glances at Dan while Phil keeps on looking at his brother. A slight frown appears on Martyn's face for a few seconds. Martyn then meets Phil's eyes, looks up to the ceiling for a moment, and schools his expression.

"How much is he paying you to say that? Because the last time he cooked, I was sick for three days."

Phil smiles at his brother, grateful instead of offended, even more so when he hears Dan chuckle in response.

There is an ease in Dan's voice when he answers, "Not enough, to be honest."

"We had an agreement!" Phil cries. "I'm not paying you anything now, forget it!"

"Guess I'll just have to find someone to pay me more for lying to their family."

Martyn leans over the table in Dan's direction, and says in a loud whisper, "Tell Cornelia I fixed the shelf, please. She'll never know. Fifty quid."

"Fifty? Wow. Cornelia, he totally fixed the shelf. He fixed it _twice_."

Phil observes as they keep on talking, thankful for his family, and glad that Martyn is able to push his prejudice aside upon Phil's request.

 

The rest of the dinner is just as great as it was back on Isle of Man.

Phil watches as Dan smiles, and those smiles are different from the ones he'd shared with him. He can't figure out whether that is a good thing or a bad thing.

When it's time to leave, Phil doesn't have the energy to pretend that he just wants to go home and part ways with Dan.

There is no question as to whether they should go home together. Dan calls them an Uber, they say their goodbyes Martyn and Cornelia, and then both head into the same car.

 

-

 

They go to Phil's. They stay up way too late playing The Sims again. They don't sleep together in _that_ sense, but in the literal sense, they very much do.

 

When Phil wakes up on Monday morning, it's with Dan in his arms.

He hadn't talked much to Dan last night, simply letting him sleep. The dinner, while nice, was also fairly exhausting, at least for Phil.

They head to work together, and this time instead of going down for lunch, Phil goes upstairs to the floor Dan works on. He finds Dan in the same room he visited on Thursday and checks on him, making up an excuse about some Excel sheets.

Dan's smile lingers, etched on Phil’s memory, long after he'd gone back to work.

 

-

 

They spend the night together again, and Phil finds that Dan's eyes almost look like before now. Maybe the worst is behind them. But for how long?

 

They lay there, sweaty and spent. Phil's brain is never quite as blank as it is right now, so he doesn't think of  the consequences when he voices the question he had in his mind since Sunday.

"Dan, why'd you call me yesterday? Were you _really_ okay?"

Dan sighs. He props his head up on his elbow, laying on his side, facing Phil.

"I wasn't too bad. I just... I was just thinking."

"Sounds ominous," Phil jokes to cover up for the nerves.

"I was thinking about you."

Phil swallows thickly, trying to hide the effect those words have on him.

"This won't last, Phil, I know it—" Dan continues, and it hurts. Again. How does Dan do that to him? Set his soul alight one second, only to plunge it into the darkness in the next? "You'll get sick of me at some point, or it will all go to shit. But I... I guess I figured... While it's there, we might as well enjoy it."

Phil's eyes widen, his previous musings purged from his mind.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that yeah, you're a distraction, but I want to hang out with you anyway. If you—if you like. Keeping the rules, of course." Dan pauses, glances down at their joined hands, and smirks. "Maybe not rule two. I mean, it's obviously going fine without it."

Happiness floods him in an instant, but he stops himself right at the edge of surrendering to it.

"But we're already hanging out," he says against his will, wanting to be sure what Dan is even on about right now.

"And I'd like to hang out _more_ ," Dan responds, breaking eye contact.

 _More?_ Phil thinks to himself. _We already see each other on most days_. But maybe what Dan means is something else. Maybe this whole conversation isn't even for Phil. Maybe it's for Dan.

Of course, he wants to jump into this head first, take what he can get, grasp at the bits and pieces of Dan that he receives. But he is more careful than that, and it shows through the next thing he says, no, _whispers_.

"What if we break the rules?"

Dan's expression sobers upon hearing that question.

"Other than rule two?"

"Yeah."

Phil can hear each and every individual heartbeat of his own as he awaits a response.

"We won't. We can't."

 

-

 

_We won't. We can't._

The words chase Phil long into the night, echoing in his mind alongside the memories from a few months ago. The memories when Dan had stopped him as Phil was leaving his flat.

The memories of when Dan said, _I want to add one more rule_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so grateful for your response to the previous chapter, it was an important one to me, so this is really great.  
> I actually wrote today's chapter as an extra for the sake of better pacing, so it was nice to revisit actually writing this story. I hope you liked this one too? Please let me know, and [reblog this](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/179425446200/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-21-support) if you feel like it! <3
> 
> As always, a massive thank you goes to my wonderful beta reader [insectbah](http://insectbah.tumblr.com). It's amazing how big a difference it makes to have someone as supportive as you <3


	22. jealousy

  _Four weeks later_

 

"Have you seen my tie?"

Phil glances at Dan over his shoulder; he doesn't turn around fully, as he is standing in front of the mirror, correcting the way he buttoned up his shirt. He got the buttons all mixed up at first.

" _Your_ tie? We're at my place," Phil says tiredly. They both slept in today, but even then, he is sleep deprived.

Dan rolls his eyes at Phil, but the smile on his lips is fond as ever. "I brought one over yesterday, remember? You doofus."

"Oh. Right, yeah. I think you um, you left it in the bedroom?"

Dan leaves the hall with a little _oh_ sound, then shouts from the bedroom, "There it is!"

"Why do you _need_ a tie?" Phil asks when Dan comes back, the piece of fabric still in his hand.

"Some lame meeting today. Besides, it looks good, doesn't it?" Dan brings it up to Phil's eyes for him to see. It's an elegant black tie with thin, white stripes. It makes Phil think of being a proper adult and how that must feel. Most days, Phil feels like he is only pretending to be all grown up, so he can't really relate.

He doesn't spend too long examining Dan's tie, his eyes quickly drifting to meet Dan's, and then staying there.

"It does look good," Phil agrees, but his mind is already somewhere else.

Dan flashes him a grin, then starts to put on the tie. Phil takes it from him gently and ties it for him slowly, knowing that Dan's eyes track every movement of his hands.

Once he is done, Dan's fingers find their way to Phil's chin, and tilt his head upwards. It only takes about ten seconds for their lips to meet.

Suddenly, Phil is not so tired anymore. He pulls Dan close by the waist, while Dan's arms end up wrapped around his neck. He then breaks the kiss, only to latch his lips onto Dan's neck briefly, inhaling the smell he knows so well.

Dan smells like his shower gel. It's not uncommon these days, but it never fails to make Phil feel things.

 

For the past weeks, ever since Dan suggested they spend more time together, everything had begun to change; slowly and swiftly all at once.

Dan is better, and has been for the past two or so weeks. Phil is slowly starting to find patterns where there was previously only confusion, and he also begins to find his way around Dan's moods. These past few days, the light in Dan's eyes is ever-present, and Phil basks in the warmth of it, trying to keep it for as long as possible.

Along with rule two, their previous restraint seems to have gone right out the window, and it's not uncommon for them to kiss just for the sake of it. It's not uncommon for Phil to forget that he is not really _with_ Dan, not in that sense. He is still just his friend.

It's all too easy to forget when they haven't spent a single night apart in over two weeks. It's even easier to forget when Dan looks at him like this, like he is someone to be desired. No, like he is someone that _Dan_ desires.

In a way, this is not new. Desire has been a part of their dynamic from day one. But somehow, this runs deeper, and Phil doesn't dare explore that thought for fear of getting his hopes up.

 

Dan's boundaries are still there, but Phil runs into them much less. They go home together every day, and fill their evenings with the things that they like. Sometimes it's sex and never leaving the bed. Other times, it's video games or Netflix. Every now and then, it's talking, with Phil listening to Dan for hours on end, or Dan asking him curious questions about things Phil cares about.

Sometimes, if it's a worse day, they just sit there together, and Phil tries not to act surprised when it is Dan that snuggles up to him. He merely embraces him, telling himself to be satisfied with what he already has and not ask for more. It would ruin things.

 

He doesn't realise when Dan stops kissing him, not at first. He blinks, and there Dan is, looking at him with a thoughtful expression.

"You're distracted." It's not a question, it's a statement.

Yeah, Phil was distracted. Sometimes his thoughts catch up to him and create a proper mess, but now is not the time.

"We're gonna be late," he dodges.

Dan doesn't appear convinced, but he doesn't push. He presses his lips against Phil's one final time, and this time, Phil reciprocates. It's no longer heated. It just tastes sweet.

"Let's go then, you nerd."

 

-

 

"You're not going to believe this."

Dan approaches Phil as he is eating his lunch in the cafeteria. They were meant to eat together, but Dan had to go to that meeting, and it took longer than expected. Phil eventually went alone after two hours of waiting for him.

Phil looks up, slightly startled, and takes in the sight of Dan, who has a baffled expression on his face.

"What?" Phil asks, dumbfounded, as Dan sits across from him.

"They actually offered me a job."

Phil's eyes widen, and he breaks out into a grin that Dan does not match. He stares at Phil blankly, as if trying to comprehend it himself.

"Wow, Dan, congratulations!" he exclaims, mustering up every ounce of cheer that he has at hearing the news.

He tries to focus on the fact that this is a good thing, and not on the fact that the company is so horrid. Of course, Phil's department, or rather Phil’s boss, is a _little_ extra, but the corporate culture is the same everywhere. In here, they are nothing but machines, made to do as much work in as little time as possible.

Obviously this is a good opportunity for Dan, just like it was for Phil a few years back.

But was it worth it?

Phil knows the answer. It _was_ , but not for the job. For the work experience, maybe. In a foolish way, the first thing that comes to mind is still Dan.

 

"Is that really something to congratulate me for?" Dan counters, almost as if reading Phil's mind. "This company is shit, Phil."

"It's not so bad in _your_ department."

"It's bad everywhere. Besides..." Dan pauses, looking down at the table. Phil suddenly realises that Dan hasn't even brought himself any food. He came here just to see Phil. "I told you, didn't I? I'm not suited for this job."

Phil fights the urge to do something stupid, such as grabbing Dan's hand. They're in public after all.

"What will you do?" Phil asks quietly.

Dan sighs, closing his eyes as he rubs the back of his neck. "I mean, I _have_ to accept. I need money. And work experience."

Yeah, this is the exact same situation Phil was in a few years ago. He doesn't say that, though. He knows full well that Dan wouldn't want to end up like Phil did.

"What kind of work is it?"

"Some administrative shit with some basic legal stuff. Boring as fuck."

Phil keeps on asking questions, if only to gently distract Dan from his gloomy thoughts. "Can it help you get a job in the field you want?"

Dan pinches the bridge of his nose, once again sighing tiredly. "I wanted to work in human rights. This is like, business law. So. Not really."

"D'you still? Want to work in human rights, I mean."

"Yeah." Dan doesn't hesitate. "But I know I won't, because I hardly understand anything about the thing I have a fucking degree in. Why did they even choose to hire me? I've done nothing but slack off and fuck around with you in the broom closet."

Phil flushes, suddenly interested in his long-gone-cold meal. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots Dan smirking at him.

"Because you're smart," Phil says once he gathers his bearings. "Smart, and driven, and—and you're not a prick like the rest of the people in your team."

Dan chuckles, shaking his head in dismissal.

"What’s with you? You don’t sound like yourself.”

"Just being honest," Phil says bashfully.

They remain silent for a moment. Phil bites his lip, wondering what to say. If he were less bothered about being fair, he might have told Dan to not take the job. To get out while he can. To not get stuck like he did.

But he can't do that; he can't influence Dan's future. His own decision was influenced back then – by his family, by his friends. He doesn't want that for Dan.

Dan breaks the silence by exhaling tiredly. Phil glances at him in concern.

"I'm going to take the job."

_Why?_

_Don't do it._

_Don't waste your life doing something you don't like._

_Are you sure?_

"I'm proud of you," Phil blurts out instead of all these other things.

"What?"

"Proud. Of you."

Dan stares at him, astonished, for all too long. "Why?"

"You got promoted! Kind of. From intern to—to whatever this job is called."

Phil grins at Dan, pushing all of his doubts aside for the sake of making this moment a happy one for him. It seems like he fails, though, because Dan's eyes are suddenly glassy, and his lips are pressed in a thin line.

Dan’s moods change so quickly sometimes. Phil no longer tries to keep up. It’s just another part of Dan.

"Dan? You okay?" Phil rushes to ask.

"Yeah, no, 'm fine."

Phil smiles, dropping the subject.

The silence between them stretches for too long, but it doesn't feel awkward. Phil can't remember when it stopped being awkward to just be quiet around Dan sometimes, but it has.

"Are you gonna eat that?" Dan says at last, pointing at Phil's plate. Phil shakes his head. "Give it here, then."

 

-

 

"Mine or yours?" Dan asks, zipping up his jacket.

The days are getting colder now, but Phil barely notices.

Again, he finds himself thinking how for the past two weeks, he hasn't spent a single night alone, and today will be no exception. It's starting to become routine – deciding which flat they're heading to after work, and where they’ll spend the night.

Is this what Dan meant when he said he wanted to hang out more? Did he mean literally _every single day_?

"What do you want to do?" Phil asks. In the back of his mind, he marvels that this is how he spends his days now. With Dan.

There is a cheeky grin on Dan's face when he responds, "You."

Phil looks around, making sure no one heard. "Dan!"

"What? You asked."

Phil rolls his eyes and bumps Dan's shoulder as they start walking. He glances at Dan, finding him looking ahead with a small smile on his face.

"Let's just go to mine," he suggests.

"You have no food," Dan reminds him, because yeah, they emptied the fridge yesterday.

"But I have the bigger bed."

Dan cocks an eyebrow at him, smirking. "Fuck, I'm sold. Let's go and starve."

 

-

 

Hours later they get out of the bed they nearly spent their entire evening in, only having left to pick up their food from the delivery man. Phil takes a shower first while Dan rummages through Phil’s closet in search of something to wear tomorrow. He then goes to shower right after Phil.

When Dan steps out of the shower, his chest bare and dripping with water, one of Phil's towels loosely hanging around Dan's hips, Phil knows that they're going right back to bed. Again.

It's all too easy to forget that this is all just a strange friendship.

 

-

 

It's two in the morning when they finally decide to start thinking about sleep.

"This one," Dan mumbles as Phil goes through his Netflix queue, looking for something for them to watch. Phil starts the film without even checking what it is.

 

Phil knows that it's dangerous, the way they wordlessly meld into one another, Dan snuggling up to Phil, resting his head on Phil's chest while Phil wraps his arm around Dan.

They threw rule two out of the proverbial window, and it's been both fantastic and awful, as far as Phil is concerned.

He is finally seeing why Dan kept on insisting they keep the rule. It's next to impossible to keep friendship and sex separate when they are constantly touching. Kissing just for the sake of it. Holding hands. Showering together. Interrupting games just to snog for a little while.

Of course, he knows his own feelings. But he also knows Dan wants nothing other than friendship, even if sometimes, Phil is starting to ask himself what the difference even is.

He has to remind himself that it was Dan that ultimately suggested they give up on rule two, on the rule that forbade them from touching and kissing outside of sex. They kept on breaking it before giving up on it, sure, but now that they are allowed, Phil has a feeling that there is nothing left to stop them from...

That's right, from what? Phil's already long gone, and Dan is so determined, nothing is going to happen there.

On the other hand, Phil has the best of both worlds. He has a good friend, he has amazing sex, and to top it all off, he no longer has to miss having someone to hug. Dan turned out to be affectionate in the most unexpected of ways. Just a few months ago, Dan was always pushing Phil away. Now, he often initiates their cuddles, and he falls asleep in Phil’s arms without a word of complaint. These past few weeks, more often than not, if they are together, they are always touching in some way.

What's the problem then? They're _practically_ together.

But they're not... and Dan still likes to go out of his way to make sure Phil remembers that.

Phil sighs against his will, trying to focus on the film. Dan's hair brushes his jaw as Dan looks up at him with a frown.

"You alright?"

"Just sleepy," he lies.

"Yeah, same." Neither make any move to shut off the laptop.

"When are you starting the new job?" Phil asks, if only to make sure he doesn't go right back to thinking again.

"I dunno. Haven't told them yet." Dan pauses and shifts so that Phil cannot see his face, only the top of his head. "Only told you so far."

"Are you going to tell them tomorrow?"

"Yeah. No point in delaying it."

Phil thinks how similar they are, and mourns how similar their situations are too. Getting stuck at this company is the worst thing that can happen to Dan, considering his depression, but Phil doesn't want to interfere with his choices.

"It's just a step, Dan," he says gently. "A year from now you might be in a completely different place."

"Or I might not be."

"Would you want to be?"

Dan snuggles further into Phil's chest, draping his arm across Phil's waist. Only then does he say, "Depends." Pause. "Not really."

Phil's heart rate increases, and Dan must surely hear it, but he doesn't remark on it.

"Me either."

 

-

_Wednesday_

When Phil's phone buzzes while he is working, he fully expects it to be a text from either Dan, Martyn, or his mum.

To his surprise, he is wrong.

 

**Mick, 3:32 PM**

Hey Phil! Just checking in to say I'm going to be in London this Friday. Wanna catch up? x

 

Mick... A memory of Phil's first years in London. Not exactly a mistake. There was no drama. It just happens sometimes; feelings fade, friendships collapse. Actually, in Phil's recent experience, it happens quite a lot.

The text doesn't floor Phil as much as it possibly could. This won't be their first catch up after their break up nearly three years ago. Mick moved to Scotland not long after they parted ways, and now the only time they speak is when he is back in London for a few days.

Phil doesn't really feel like going. At this point, he would much rather spend another evening with Dan. But what excuse could he possibly come up with? He _does_ live here, and to say he is meeting his parents feels like too big a stretch. He figures that an hour in a pub is not worth the trouble of making up elaborate lies and then worrying about them being somehow revealed.

 

**Phil, 3:49 PM**

Hey! Sure! At six? The usual place?

 

**Mick, 3:50 PM**

Brilliant yeah! C u there x

 

Phil sighs heavily, setting his phone down on the desk. He might still cancel on Mick. Tomorrow he could just say that he's gotten ill, and spend the night cooped up in Dan's rented flat.

But is Mick asking for a lot? They meet now and then, catch up, and part their ways for another year. It's hardly a big nuisance. It's the least Phil can do, really.

They're lucky that they managed to stay friendly after breaking up. Phil tries and fails to imagine Dan's possible reaction to _his_ ex wanting to meet him.

Phil's expression sours immediately. The difference between Dan's ex and Phil's is that Phil's ex never destroyed him. There was no lasting doubt. Obviously not, seeing as he still, despite all the stars not aligning, hopes to be with Dan. On a stupid, subconscious level that he keeps entirely separate from his consciousness... for the most part.

 

-

 

"I can't go home with you on Friday," Phil announces between one bite of pizza and the next. He fully expects Dan to just shrug it off, but that is not what happens.

Dan freezes, seemingly surprised, and carefully puts his own slice of pizza down.

"You can't?"

"No, but that's okay, right? If you want, we can meet up a bit later? Or um, or on Saturday."

Dan finally shrugs, but the way he looks at Phil is a bit weird. Phil continues eating and watching Black Mirror, all the while feeling Dan's eyes on him.

"What are you doing on Friday, then?" Dan asks at last.

"Why?"

"Just wondering. You... you don't often have plans, do you?" Dan's voice is soft and subdued, as if he knows that the question is a little well, _mean_.

"Maybe I'd have more plans if I didn't spend all my time with you lately," Phil dismisses with a grin that Dan doesn't really return.

"So you won't tell me?"

"Huh?"

"You won't tell me what you're doing."

Phil stares at Dan, perplexed. Two months ago Dan wouldn't have asked. Five months ago, Dan wouldn't have given a toss. Now, there is a strange intensity in the way Dan looks at him, and it makes Phil wonder what the problem is.

Is Dan feeling down again?

"I'm meeting someone at six," he replies after a moment of silence. He doesn't fully know why he omitted the word _ex_ from his explanation, but he did, and it was a conscious choice.

"You realise that just makes me even more _curious_." Dan wipes his hands on the paper roll that they brought in from the kitchen, and hands it back to Phil.

"I never realised that you cared about where I'm going or what I'm doing," Phil replies, almost immediately finding an urge to take the words back.

Dan shoots him a sad glance, something akin to disappointment swimming in his eyes. There is something else there too, something that Phil cannot put a name to.

"I'm just curious. You don't _have_ to tell me."

But Dan sounds displeased, and Phil cannot take it. He's a bad liar, the worst. This is also not the ideal moment for conversations like this, when they're sat so close together on Phil's sofa, watching the telly while eating Domino's.

Dan doesn't like to talk about his ex, and Phil doesn't want him to be reminded of that any more than he already is in his daily life.

 

"I'm meeting Mick, my ex. He's in London for the weekend and asked to meet me."

Phil looks at Dan, finding him wide eyed, a frown forming on his face. Phil was right; Dan just doesn't like the subject. He should have limited himself to saying _friend_.

"You're going out with your _ex_?" Dan echoes. His voice falters on the last word.

"Just for a drink," Phil explains, although he is not sure why.

Dan looks away from Phil, opting to look down at his own lap while Phil tries to comprehend what just happened.

"Are you getting back together?" Dan asks after a prolonged silence. Phil nearly chokes on the last of his pizza.

"What? Dan, that's ridiculous."

"Then why meet up at all?"

"I don't know, he asked."

"Maybe _he_ wants to get back with you," Dan muses bitterly.

Phil stares helplessly as Dan stands up from the sofa and begins gathering their plates, then walks them to the sink. "Where's all this even coming from?"

"What? I'm not doing anything," Dan dismisses.

"No, you're just— _interrogating_ me, I guess?"

Dan spins around to face Phil now, and his features seem far more stark than just a minute ago.

"I'm not interrogating you! I was just curious. Go have fun with your ex, Phil."

Phil has a feeling that had it not been for the fact they're in Phil’s flat, Dan may have just gone into another room and shut the door. As it is now, Dan stays in the space between the kitchen and the lounge and avoids eye contact like the plague.

"Why would it bother you if I did?" Phil prompts, standing up and taking a few steps in Dan's direction.

Dan snorts. There is a hint of annoyance to it. "Who says it would _bother_ me?"

"The way you're acting," Phil blurts out without thinking at all.

"I'd just prefer if you told me ahead of time so that I can come up with something else to do!"

Phil is shocked to hear Dan raise his voice, and he still can't figure out why. Sure, two days is very short notice, but they haven't had solid plans. Just their freshly-routine hang out.

Dan runs his fingers through his hair in an absent gesture as he walks further away, facing away from Phil.

The next question takes Phil entirely by surprise, because it reminds him of a few months back, when Phil asked the same of Dan.

"Do you still like him?"

"Of course not," Phil says earnestly.

"Right."

"Dan, I can tell you're upset." Phil's voice dips into pleading. "What's the matter?"

Dan exhales sharply and simply stands there, shutting his eyes.

"Nothing is the matter. I mean, we have a rule for—for dating other people. You can do that. I don't _care_."

 

It hurts at first, yet another reminder that Phil's feelings are all for nothing. But then...

Then, Dan looks at him as though he is fighting a battle of his own, a heavy look in his eyes combined with a frown on his face.

Dan seems to be upset about Phil's ex specifically, because Dan never reacts this way if Phil goes to visit Martyn, or has to run errands, or anything else of the sort.

Is Dan _jealous_? Perhaps of his time?

Phil walks over to Dan, and takes one of his hands in both of his own. He then kisses it, at last meeting Dan's eyes.

It's too much, the way Dan is looking at him right now. It's too much, and Phil doesn't understand it, and he can't make sense of Dan's behaviour, let alone the look in his eyes.

And yet, something must be drastically different, because a thought pops into Phil's brain, and it sticks.

It sticks, despite the danger he is putting himself in.

 

_Does Dan have feelings for him too?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For everyone wondering - no, the last rule hasn't been revealed yet! I feel evil, but it's coming. Promise!!  
> Sorry for not responding to all comments on the previous chapter yet, I am going to do it tonight & tomorrow! Please let me know how you feel about this one, and [reblog](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/179531130535/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-22-jealousy) it if you like, it really helps :)
> 
>  **Super huge THANK YOU to my beta reader[insectbah](http://insectbah.tumblr.com)** for putting up with me and making this chapter 1000x better than it was. You're the best person ever.  <3 Another thank you goes to [i-am-my-opheliac](http://i-am-my-opheliac.tumblr.com) for reading this first and being sweet!!


	23. frustration

_Friday_

The pub is awfully crowded today, which should come as no surprise to Phil. He still has to stop himself from leaving the moment he steps foot in the door.

Phil had been to Willy’s many times in the past, always with Mick. Phil preferred to stay in, but Mick liked to go out a lot. As such, Phil knows his way around the pub perfectly well and navigates through the crowd until he reaches the bar.

It's not without some trouble that he makes his way there. So many people all in one place, in varying states of inebriation, are quite oppressive. He runs into a person first, and then trips over another once he almost gets there. Upon finding a safe place to stand at, he scans the crowd for Mick's signature long blond hair, but he is nowhere to be found.

Phil checks the time on his phone. Five past six. Mick should probably be here by now.

As he is looking in the direction of the toilets, he feels someone tap his shoulder. He spins around, surprised by the sight of his ex.

"Mick!" Phil exclaims. "You've cut your hair!"

Mick flashes him a toothy grin. He looks so different now, with his hair cut in a similar way to Phil's. It's still blond, at least, and he still has a short beard.

Mick pulls him into a quick hug, lingering for a moment as he pats Phil on the back. 

"Hi Phil." Mick surveys him for a moment, eyeing him up and down. "You look good."

Phil shifts awkwardly, looking past Mick's shoulder and spotting an empty booth in the corner.

"Should we sit?"

 

Phil goes to hold the booth for them while Mick orders them a beer each. Once he sits across from Phil with a smile on his face, Phil starts to feel nervous.

Mick is Phil's age, is quite well-built – out of the two of them, he is the one that actually took the time to work out – and a tad shorter than Phil. They do meet up occasionally, he and Mick. But it's never quite comfortable. There are memories in place, and while he feels like he knows Mick well, he has to remind himself that he _knew_ him. Once. Over three years ago.

What is there to say? Phil is ashamed to admit to himself that since their break up, he had never sought Mick out. It was always Mick's idea for them to meet and catch up. On the other hand, he is the one that moved to Scotland, not Phil.

But phones are a thing, as is social media. It's just not something Phil needs to do – revisiting old memories. Not really.

Mick takes a long sip from his glass, and looks at Phil.

"So how have you been? What's new with you?" Mick asks. The dreaded question, the inevitable moment when Phil has to admit that not much is new since last year.

Well. Except Dan.

"It's all good! How have _you_ been?" Phil deflects.

"Ooh, I sense drama," Mick teases with that familiar gleam in his eyes. "You didn't really answer my question."

"I did." Phil's lips stretch into a smile. "I said it's all good."

"And the _what's new_ part, eh, Philip?"

Something tugs at Phil's heartstrings. Part of it is pure memory of a different time in his life, a life alongside a different person. Part of it is all the times Dan has jokingly referred to him as _Philip_ , and the way his voice sounds when he says Phil's name. The present – and a pinch of hope for the future - swiftly overcome the past.

He looks down at the battered wooden table they're sitting at, running absent fingers over his cold glass.

"You know me. Still the same job."

Mick shakes his head slightly, but he doesn't press the subject.

"Well then. Loads is different for me. No more gigs, just teaching. At a high school, of all things." Mick counts on his fingers with each new thing he mentions. "Ellie left me, so there’s that too."

"Oh no, I'm sorry," Phil says earnestly. "How are you holding up?"

"Meh. I'm sort of used to being left by now." Phil's heart drops for a moment, but Mick suddenly chuckles. "Got you, didn’t I? Mate, you should’ve seen your face!"

There is a slight tremor in Phil's voice when he asks, "Wasn't it a mutual decision? For you and me, I mean."

Mick laughs. "It was, it was. But it was _your_ idea."

"It just felt like the right time, you know."

"Well, it was the right time for Ellie too. The right time to sleep with my cousin."

"Shit," Phil utters, despite the fact that he rarely swears.

"Yeah." Mick downs the rest of his beer in one long gulp. "So that's what's new for me."

"And I thought _I_ had it bad," Phil mumbles, half to himself, but of course Mick picks up on it right away.

"What's so bad?"

Phil shakes his head vigorously, and also makes quick work of what remains of his drink. "No, no way. I'm not talking to you about that." He pauses, pondering his own words. "I'd need to be way more tipsy for _that_."

"We can arrange that," Mick says with a smirk.

 

-

 

"Wait. _You_ have a fuck buddy?"

Phil rolls his eyes. There is a blush on his cheeks, and it's only partly due to alcohol.

"That's how Martyn reacted to it as well."

"Oh, Martyn! Say hi from me. How's he?"

"They're good, he and Cornelia. Twins and a third one on the way."

Mick whistles. "Not wasting time, those two."

"Yeah." Phil sighs, then asks, "So why'd you cut your hair?"

"Ellie. Like two months before she left me."

Talking to Mick is like walking through a minefield. Phil feels sorry for him, he does. But it's difficult to maintain a conversation when every topic loops back to her and Phil doesn't want to talk about himself.

"It suits you, though," Phil placates.

"It's not as bad as I thought."

Phil desperately wants to discreetly check his phone. Both for time, and for texts from Dan. Luckily, even after three beers, he realises how rude that would be, and that is the only thing stopping him.

"So are you going to stop changing the subject? Come on, mate. I've like, opened up my heart here."

Phil tilts his head backwards, shooting a theatrical look in the direction of the ceiling.

"What do you mean?"

"You? Fuck buddy? There's a story there, I can see that."

"Why are you so curious?"

Mick smiles at him softly. "We were good together, yeah? I want to know who comes after me."

"I've had someone after you," Phil reminds him.

"Meh, that was nothing. How long did that last, like two months?" He spots Phil's surprised look, and adds proudly, "See? I remember. Now tell me so I have more useless crap to remember for years to come."

Phil stays quiet, pondering his options. On one hand, he doesn't want to tell Mick. They're not even friends; they're just two strangers with a shared past by now. But maybe that is the exact reason why Phil _should_ tell him, and why a part of him is telling him to. Maybe that's what he needs. Some perspective.

He exhales, looks down at his own hands, and finally says, "His name is Dan."

"And?"

"...and he’s doing my head in?" Phil says sheepishly.

"Details, Phil. _Details!_ "

"He's 24. I met him at work."

"That it? He sounds boring," Mick teases, and that is what makes the dam break for Phil.

"Dan is completely not boring!" Phil protests heatedly. "He’s a very interesting person. And he is very stubborn, and um, really smart too. He likes a lot of the same things as me, except he—he likes all these foods with a lot of cheese, and you know, I'm lactose intolerant. But he—he likes to watch Buffy with me, and he always beats me at Mario Kart, and he keeps lactose free milk in his fridge for when I stay over—" Phil pauses, realising the tangent he just went on has gone a bit too far. Mick's expression slowly changes from teasing to serious, and he is now staring at Phil with furrowed brows.

"Wow. So basically all the things I never used to do."

"That's not true." But it is, and they both know it.

Mick runs his fingers through his hair, then presses his palms to his eyes briefly.

"Why is this so hard to listen to? Think I'm still a bit screwed after Ellie."

"Let's just not talk about it," Phil rushes to offer, because he is _this_ close to getting carried away.

"We're _so_ talking about it. I'm just gonna get us more beer." Without waiting for Phil to protest, Mick slips out of the booth and walks in the direction of the bar.

 

Phil sighs. Mick is probably not the best choice when it comes to talking about his feelings for Dan, but in a way, he's better than Martyn. He knows a different side of Phil, a side that Dan is now privy to, and he may be able to offer some proper insight.

But is it worth it?

He takes advantage of Mick being away, and pulls out his phone. To his surprise, they've already been here for two hours. What surprises him even more are the four texts that he has waiting, all of which are from Dan.

 

**Dan, 6:14 PM**

im sorry about wednesday

im sorry about yesterday

idk i must've been in a mood

 

**Dan, 7:33 PM**

hope ur having fun phil.

 

Phil's heart clenches with the memory of Dan's face. He still finds himself unable to name the emotions that were seemingly so clearly painted all over Dan's features when they last spoke in person. That was on Wednesday. On Thursday Dan asked for a rain check, so that was the first day in weeks that Phil had spent alone.

The revelation that struck him on Wednesday – that Dan might have feelings for him too – hasn't left him once. But he still doesn't know how, and if, he should act on it.

He starts typing and deletes his message about five times prior to finally sending one.

 

**Phil, 8:10 PM**

I'm sorry for not being there with you

 

It's too much, but he allows himself that. Dan's reply is far colder than Phil's.

 

**Dan, 8:11 PM**

told you. you're not my babysitter. i've gone out with some people from work

 

What? Dan's out too?

Phil doesn't get to reply, because Mick returns with their drinks. He puts his phone away, but he keeps it on the table this time, just in case.

Mick glances at him knowingly, hands him the beer, and sits down, elbows on the table as he leans over it.

"Go on. I'm ready. Tell me about this Dan."

"I already told you," Phil retorts weakly.

"You just described his _complete perfection_ , but none of the juicy stuff," Mick says with a grin that looks slightly forced. "You're friends with benefits, you said?"

"Technically, yeah..."

"Technically. Interesting."

"It's all a mess, Mick. I—well, I—"

"You've got feelings for him, yeah." Phil frowns. Mick then adds, "What? I can tell. I've known you for years."

Phil sighs tiredly, then finally says, "Yeah, I do."

Mick is smiling triumphantly, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes.

"What about him?"

"That's the thing. He doesn't want to um, be with anyone. He always says that. But—"

"But?"

Phil closes his eyes, recalling Wednesday night.

"It's weird. When I told him on Wednesday that I was meeting you tonight, he got annoyed with me, and—and we haven't hung out since." When he sees that Mick is frowning slightly, he says, "I mean, the past few weeks we've—we've spent every night—" Phil cuts himself off, suddenly unsure if he wants Mick's thoughts to go in that direction at all.

"So you meet up _every day_?" Mick echoes incredulously. "I would get so sick of you so fast."

Phil snorts, entirely unoffended. "That was part of the problem, wasn't it?"

"I forgot what the problems were, to be honest. I just remember the good parts now."

Phil blinks, glancing at Mick with a degree of surprise. Mick stares into his eyes unabashedly. At some point, he bites his lower lip, his gaze flitting down to Phil's mouth.

Phil sits up straight, moving away from the situation.

 

"Show me a picture of this guy. I'm curious now," Mick demands, and Phil complies.

He doesn't have to look for long; he has more pictures of Dan than he'd care to admit. He picks out a nice one from a week ago, when Dan was sat on Phil's sofa, snuggled up in a blanket, staring at Phil instead of the camera.

Mick takes the phone from Phil and says nothing for a long while.

" _This_ is Dan?" Phil nods. "And you took the picture? Fuck."

"What?"

"He's got like, proper _heart eyes_. You know, like in those daft cartoons you always wanted me to watch."

"Anime is _not_ a cartoon," Phil says, if only to avoid having to deal with the first part of what Mick had just said.

Mick makes a show out of rolling his eyes and groaning, then finishes the rest of his beer.

"He throws you a jealousy fit when you say you're going to meet me, he looks at you _like this_ , and you have doubts? Fuck me, Phil. It's no wonder you didn't notice I fancied you for like half a year."

Phil's heart skips a beat. He simply stares at Mick, unsure of what to say.

"I mean, obviously I have no idea what's going on with you anymore," Mick continues. "We never talk unless I hit you up first. But like, this is so obvious."

"Sorry," Phil mumbles, and Mick waves him off. "I mean, I did start to wonder—but he doesn't want anything like that. He's said it so many times."

Mick smiles mischievously, and Phil is already starting to regret the whole thing. "Maybe he just needs a little incentive."

 

-

 

Two hours later, they leave the pub, both on the tipsy side. Phil's phone contains several selfies of the two of them, as does Mick's. Mick's taxi arrives before Phil's does.

"You know what, Phil?" Mick slurs slightly as he speaks, keeping the taxi waiting.

"No?"

"I often thought about you. With Ellie." Phil keeps his chin tilted downwards, but he looks up to anxiously meet Mick's eyes. "I never wanted to get back with you. I just thought of what might have been."

Phil used to think of that, but he'd stopped. Almost three years ago.

"Yeah," Phil says, unsure of what else he could possibly say.

"If things don't work out—and I'm less of a mess—I'll see you in a couple of months, alright? Have a beer, see what happens?"

Of course, this is an entirely selfish request on Mick's part, and Phil knows it. It's nice to have a lifeline, someone to fall back on. But Phil is already a lifeline for one man, he will not be that for another.

"We can always catch up, but I—"

The taxi driver honks the car horn, startling them both.

"Don't finish that. Yeah, I'm just drunk. And lonely." Mick looks to the side, making gestures at the driver, asking him to hold on. "That Dan better appreciate you, Phil. You're a good lad."

Phil smiles in earnest now, pulling Mick into a quick hug. When they're hugging, he whispers a quick _you too_ into his ear.

 

It's only later, at home, that he checks his Facebook and sees the photo he's tagged in, which is made visible to all of his friends.

It's nothing, an innocent selfie of him and Mick from a couple of hours ago, captioned with   _Haven't seen this mad lad in over a year!_

But he also has two messages waiting from Dan.

 

**Dan, 10:58 PM**

can we meet up now

 

**Dan, 11:10 PM**

can i come over

 

**Phil, 11:11 PM**

Are you okay?

 

**Dan, 11:11 PM**

i just want to come over

 

And it's a choice, isn't it? With Dan, Phil is always forced to make choices.

He also always chooses Dan. Today is no exception.

 

**Phil, 11:13 PM**

Please take an Uber, don't walk

 

-

 

The moment Phil swings the door open, Dan is in his space, stopping a mere few inches away from him.

Dan is wearing a dark shirt that Phil had seen before. There are raindrops in his hair, trailing down the raincoat he is also wearing, but hasn't bothered to zip up.

Dan doesn't meet his eyes. He is glancing over Phil's shoulder, right into the flat.

"You're alone," Dan states instead of asking.

Phil freezes, trying to understand.

"Of course I'm alone," he says, guiding Dan inside and shutting the door.

"I wasn't sure."

"Are you ser—"

Dan spins around, facing Phil now, surveying him much the way Mick had just a few hours ago.

"How did it go with the ex?" Dan asks him, arms crossed over his chest.

"It went alright."

"It went _alright_ , did it? That’s fantastic."

"Why is it such a big deal that I went to see him?" Phil shoots back irritably. Alcohol is still heating him up from the inside, as are Mick's words. Dan's reaction only serves to fuel the flame.

Dan looks abruptly to the side, finding sudden interest in the photos on Phil's wall. Phil sees his adam's apple bob in his throat when he swallows thickly.

"I didn't like it," Dan utters at last, "you meeting him."

Wednesday night hits Phil in full force now. _Does Dan have feelings for him too_?

"Why?"

"He looks better than I do."

Oh. So Dan must have seen the photo on Phil's Facebook. Phil lays his hand on Dan's shoulder, which makes him even more aware of Dan's labored breathing.

"He doesn't," Phil protests softly, his previous annoyance quickly fading.

When Dan finally turns his head in order to face Phil, the sight immediately grabs him by the insides, and it squeezes hard. It feels like an eternity passes before Dan speaks again.

"I want us to get rid of one more rule."

Phil has the wind knocked out of him right then. He knows which two rules he wishes they could toss right out the window.

Which one does Dan mean?

Dan both dashes Phil's temporary hopes, and fills him with frustration. "No dating other people while we're doing this."

"So you want to be exclusive," he confirms.

"Yeah."

Phil releases the breath he had been holding in one frustrated huff of air. Dan clearly spots the change in Phil's countenance, because he shrinks back ever so slightly.

 

A million thoughts run through Phil's mind, two themes underlying all of them.

One, he is undoubtedly in love with this guy. He can't even call it a crush anymore. It's only gotten _worse_ since he realised it's even started.

Two, Dan makes no fucking sense whatsoever, but beneath all that, Phil now has a hard time believing Dan's _just fuck buddies_ spiel.

Okay, there's a third theme to all of this too.

Three. Phil just wants to know where he stands. That is all - so little, and yet so much.

"Does that mean you want to be with me? _Properly_?" he asks Dan, injecting every last bit of fake confidence into the tone of his voice.

Dan looks at him as though Phil had just slapped him, with his eyes wide and misty, shoulders slightly slumped.

"I don't want to be with _anyone_. I told you."

Now it is Phil's turn to feels like he just got slapped. He throws his head back and moves away from Dan, heading towards the lounge.

"You make no sense, Dan," Phil snaps. "It's doing my head in."

"What are you even on about?" Dan shouts after him, following Phil.

"We're practically _together_ , you don't see it?"

"We're friends that have sex," Dan insists, blind to Phil's arguments.

"Right, _friends_." Phil pauses. When had he grown to detest the word? "You don't want to be with me, you just want to be _friends_ , but you don't want me to be with anyone else. So what, you just—you just want me to wait until you find someone you fancy more?"

Phil hates the way Dan looks at him just then, with betrayal in his eyes. He wishes he could erase and rewind, take all of tonight back. Hell, take back the entirety of this week.

"I won't fancy anyone more," Dan mutters at last. Phil inhales sharply, waiting for him to say something, _anything_ else. "I just don't want you to leave."

And with that, all of Phil's defenses crumble. His anger melts away like snow on the first day of spring. He can't be mad at Dan. He can't _understand_ , but he can't be mad.

How many times had he chosen Dan before? When faced with an alternative, how many times?

How many times had he chosen Dan over himself?

On the other hand, how much longer can he take this?

It's a pattern, this. A pattern that he both hates and loves. A pattern he is stuck in, completely, absolutely stuck in.

 

He steps forward, taking Dan's face in his hands. Dan leans into the touch, his eyes boring into Phil's. Phil doesn’t say anything else.

Dan definitely feels something for him.

But it's just not enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your comments! I haven't answered them all, but will do so after I post this <3 Please let me know if you liked this chapter, it really makes me happy! [Reblogs](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/179661222520/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-23) are always welcome too :)
> 
> As always, a massive thank you to my amazing beta reader [insectbah](http://insectbah.tumblr.com). Without their insight, this fic would be a total mess! <3


	24. edge

  _Two hours later_

 

"I'm sorry I'm like this."

Phil opens his eyes with a start, blinking into the darkness. He honestly thought that Dan was already asleep. Dan is currently snuggled up to him, with his head resting on Phil's naked chest, and he hasn't moved much for the last thirty minutes or so.

"What do you mean?" Phil asks in a hoarse voice.

"I'm sorry. I know I'm being daft." Dan pauses, and the next thing he says is said in a much lower volume. "I told you I was a bad... friend."

Phil sighs, then hoists himself up on his elbows, changing positions until he can look Dan in the eyes. Dan adjusts, reluctantly sliding off him, and lays his head on the pillow next to Phil. Phil also lies on his side, facing Dan. They lie a few inches away from each other, not touching.

"I don't understand," Phil admits.

"I can't expect you to... I dunno, to stay single. You can do whatever you want, Phil. I'm not—I'm not trying to..." Dan averts his eyes now, worrying his lip as he stares blankly at the space between them. "I'm not trying to control you. We're friends."

"I never thought that," Phil says softly in response. "I don't get you sometimes, but I have a mind of my own, you know. You're not forcing me into anything."

"But you're so fucking _nice_."

Phil reaches out, resting his hand on Dan's cheek, which immediately makes Dan look at him.

"You really think I'm your friend because I'm nice?"

"You _put up with my bullshit_ because you're nice."

"It's not putting up with you." Phil pushes a stray curl out of Dan's face. "I just... I wish you would trust me."

And Phil does wish for that. Dan may not be willing to trust Phil with his heart, but he could just trust him as a friend and... what to call it? A lover? He could trust him not to leave the first chance he gets. He could trust Phil to be there for him.

He could trust him and give them a chance to explore something other than friendship. He _could_ , but he won't.

"I trusted my ex."

Phil purses his lips, trying to think of something to say.

"I'm not like that."

"It's not about you," Dan mutters.

"Then what?"

"I'm still just as fucked up as I was back then. Maybe more."

Phil observes Dan helplessly: the unfocused gaze, the way his fingers are tapping a frantic rhythm on the pillow, the way he bites down on his lip so hard it looks like it might bleed. Phil scoots over closer, and takes Dan's right hand in his left.

"You're not—"

"Don't tell me I'm not fucked up," Dan interjects. "I am. And it's like—you don't see it now, but you will see it _eventually_. I'll do something really stupid and you'll get sick of it."

Phil wants to say that he will always be there for Dan. That nothing has to change.

But something stops him, and he settles for the safer option.

"I will always be your friend, Dan. As long as you like." A small smile forms on his lips, but it is not reciprocated. "Even longer."

Dan seemingly ignores Phil, or he just doesn't comment on what was said.

"You can be with anyone you want, alright? I take it back. I'm not going to control you."

Phil wonders whether his own acting skills are so good that Dan doesn't see how fucking in love with him Phil is, or if Dan just willingly ignores it.

"I won't be."

"We'll see." Dan's gaze finally stops in one place, meeting Phil's eyes. "D'you know what the problem is?"

"What?"

"I always count down hours."

Phil frowns. Had he misheard? "Huh?"

"Like until I have to get up. Or until I have to go to work. Or until I can go home."

Phil is about to say that yeah, he does the same thing. He hates it. Hates checking the time before going to sleep and finding out how little sleep he'll be getting. Hates counting down until work is over.

Hates counting down until he sees Dan again.

When Phil opens his mouth to speak, Dan covers it with his hand.

"And I... I lose track of time with you."

Dan's eyes are two pools of endless questions. Phil's heart feels so heavy now, as if a physical weight had been attached to it.

How can Dan say these things and also say he doesn't want to be with anyone?

Before Phil gets to react in any way, Dan continues. "And it's fucking _scary_ , Phil. Because... because when you're done, when I fuck up enough, I'll just be counting my sleep and counting my work but I won't have anything nice to count. Or not count." _Fuck_. "But I don't want you to feel bad for me. _Please_ don't fucking feel bad for me. I just—I don't... Fuck. This is already too far gone, isn't it? I'll already be a mess if you get sick of me." Phil doesn't get to say anything; he still can't even gather his thoughts. "But it could always be _worse_ , Phil. You get it?"

On some level, yeah, he gets it. But it's hard to relate when he's known his own feelings for literal months now.

He thinks of their rules too. How this affects them. How it doesn't sound _right_. Dan seems convinced that Phil hasn't broken the first rule... or if he knows, he just doesn't want to acknowledge it.

Phil looks Dan in the eyes, trying not to shy away from the amount of raw emotion contained within them. He wants to ask Dan more questions, wants to know what he means. But should he be forcing him to say something he is not ready to think about? Should Phil tell him something he doesn't want to hear? Phil knows better than that.

"What can I do?" he asks helplessly, his voice weak.

"Whatever you want, that's what I'm saying. I can't like... I can't expect anything from you."

There is a long pause during which Phil attempts to gather his thoughts. Finally, he musters up the courage to ask Dan, "Do you think you'll ever..." he trails off, his eyes boring into Dan's.

"Ever what?" Dan whispers.

"Change your mind?"

Phil doesn't need to clarify. Dan knows what he means.

"I don't know, Phil." Dan wordlessly asks permission before snuggling back up to Phil. Phil sighs, pulling him close. "I don't know."

 

-

 

The next few days are weird... or at least, they are weird if Phil thinks too hard.

They are kind of stuck in limbo. What they need is an honest conversation, but Phil just doesn't have the guts to initiate something that Dan so clearly does not want.

For the first few days following Friday, they are a little awkward. Their dynamic shifts and then changes back to what it was before. Phil knows why. It's because he chooses to once again ignore everything, and allows them to fall back into their usual pattern.

On the outside, Dan seems perfectly fine with just ignoring things that don't suit his narrative. On the inside? Phil has no idea, but yeah. If Dan suspects things, Phil doesn't confirm them for him. He pretends that the boundaries - that they have now stretched well past their limit – don't matter at all. That they really are two mates who also happen to have sex. Or no, that's not how it all began, is it? They're two people that have sex, and on Phil's request, eventually became friends.

He undoubtedly still wants Dan, no matter the cost. That much he knows.

Sometimes he wonders what is keeping him from making that leap, from just telling Dan. The rules? The rules only have as much importance as they want to give them, don't they?

But...

 

He sighs. He is not focused on work today, he just _isn't_. It's not unusual. During his almost six years at this company, his drive had dropped from very high to almost non-existent, and most of it happened in the time since Viv became his boss. His previous boss wasn't great either. It's just that Viv makes him fantasize about catching a cold just so that he has an excuse to stay home from work, and Phil _hates_ being ill.

"Oh fucking hell, not this again!" Lily, his coworker, exclaims, startling Phil and the others.

"What?" Kent asks from behind his own desk. After a quick glance at the screen, he throws his hands up in exasperation. "No! Is it that time of the year already?"

Phil figures they must have gotten an email that got them so worked up, so he checks his own mailbox, and finds that he was right. He reads the email, losing all remnants of a semi-decent mood he had left.

It's an invitation to the yearly company party, which will take place two weeks from now.

Phil and the others absolutely _despise_ it. It's not even a party, per se. It's a lot of important people that Phil never gets to see in his daily life, and they're all making speeches about how great the company is, forcing conversation, and feigning interest in the lowly lives of their employees.

Of course, he is being slightly dramatic right now, but only slightly. He really can't stand these bloody parties. No one has any fun, except for people along the likes of Vivian, who spend the night trying to mingle with the higher ups. Phil just goes, suffers in a corner for a few hours, and then heads home.

Phil is not alone in his misery. All three of his coworkers also don't want to go, but it's not exactly _optional_. Phil found out the hard way last year, when he told Viv he didn't feel well enough to go.

"D'you reckon she'll let me skip it if I lie that my daughter is sick?" Lily muses, sighing heavily.

"I reckon she won't let you skip it even if you grow an extra head," Vince replies.

"What is the point of a _party_ that we all _have_ to go to, or else we get yelled at? Fuckin' bullshit, this place," Lily voices what they are all clearly thinking.

"Swear jar?" Kent suggests.

"I think we're off the hook today," Vince says tiredly. "Otherwise we'll run out of change."

Phil doesn't even say anything, just listens to his coworkers talk until Viv comes in and tells them to be quiet.

 

It's a small issue to have, of course. But Phil already hates his job enough; having to spend time with these people after hours is pretty much the worst form of torture for him.

Well, it used to be, prior to the whole thing with Dan. Now _Phil_ is his own worst torture; he and his treacherous thoughts.

Wait. _Dan_.

Surely Dan will be forced to go to this too? Maybe for the first time, Phil won't have to be sat alone or just with his team. Spending time with Dan, even when things are a little weird, sounds a whole lot better than talking to Mary down in accounting or having to listen to his boss tell the CEO how much she adores his choice of shoes.

 

Without thinking twice, he sends Dan a quick text.

 

**Phil, 2:12 PM**

Are you going to the party?

 

**Dan, 2:12 PM**

i wasnt planning on it but apparently its mandatory

i s2g this place

 

**Phil, 2:12 PM**

Let's go together?

 

**Dan, 2:13 PM**

what else did you think

you dingus

im going to be sat there with you all night

 

Phil lights up from the inside, smiling at the phone like a complete fool.

Dan's made so many things difficult for him, but Phil can't be blind to the fact that with Dan, he always has something to look forward to.

 

-

_Next week_

"This one, d'you reckon?"

Phil takes off his glasses, cleans them, and puts them back on. He still sees no difference between the two shirts that Dan is holding up.

"Dan, they look _the same_."

"Are you actually serious? One is dark blue, the other one is like, light black."

Phil rolls his eyes with a smile. Dan notices, and smacks him in the face with one of the shirts.

"You're horrid," Phil whines, taking the shirt away from Dan. "Fine, wear the dark blue one."

"Nah. I was thinking I'd wear the black one."

Phil's eyes once again travel towards the ceiling. He lays back down on Dan's bed, stretching with a small groan.

"You do realise the party is not until _next_ weekend."

"Yeah, but if I had nothing to wear, I'd need time to go and buy it. Sit up, we're picking the jacket now."

"I feel like I’m in a dressing room montage."

"In a _what_?" Dan asks while rummaging through his wardrobe.

"Dressing room montage. You know, like in films. When they go pick out clothes and there's music playing."

"You're so weird," Dan says. Phil can't see him, but he can tell that he is smiling. "Sit up!"

"No."

Phil hears the soft sound of bare feet on carpet, and a few seconds later, Dan is straddling him.

"That's not going to make me get up," Phil remarks with a grin.

He pulls Dan down by the shirt, their lips immediately finding each other, despite the fact that Phil's glasses are ever so slightly in the way. Dan takes them off eventually, and Phil's world turns blurry, the only thing clear being Dan's face.

It's moments like these that are hard. When Dan is so close to him, when Phil loses himself in the depths of Dan's eyes. When he sees something in them, something he wants to ask about, but ultimately doesn't.

When Dan looks away too, forcing a chuckle or locking their lips to break eye contact.

It feels as though... as though something is chasing Phil. As if he can only keep this up for so long. But really, he's managed to keep quiet about his feelings until now, so what stops him from simply concealing the way that he feels?

He grabs Dan by the hips and pulls him down, hooking his fingers underneath the hem of Dan's shirt, touching the smooth skin of Dan's back. Dan's body is everything that he knows well now, everything he yearns for, everything he wants to have.

Well. Not everything. There's Dan's heart too.

 

Phil tries not to think, at least not around Dan. He suspects that Dan's strategy may be similar to his own, only Dan just might not think about them at all.

It's getting harder and harder, this. It's hard to compartmentalize his own mind – to be in the zone around Dan, and save all the thinking for when he is alone. Or preferably, for never. The worst thing is, there is no clear way out, there is no one good solution to the pain he feels in his chest when he looks at Dan.

 

Things are never going to change unless Phil actively _tries_ to change them.

But would it be fair to push?

 

-

_One week later_

It's been a long week.

Vivian was irritable, because apparently, _not enough people are going to the party_ , and _what will the CEO think_ , and _it is all Phil's fault_. Well, she didn't directly say _that_ , but she behaved like it, what with her screaming at him every chance she had and giving him all the possible deadlines that kept him late at work.

Dan came down to his floor sometimes, sitting with him while Phil was doing overtime. Dan was playing games on his phone, and Phil was working; it was nice, because he felt much less alone then. Occasionally, Dan would sit beside him watching him work, giving him ideas, and trying to understand how editing worked.

Phil doesn't understand Dan, but sometimes he settles for just feeling glad that he exists at all.

 

When Friday came around, along with it came the company party. Phil and Dan headed to Dan's after work, changed, and made their way to the venue – a small club that has been rented out for the night.

Phil knows this place, because they rent the same one every year. It's cramped, loud, dark, and completely not his scene. He inhales sharply upon entering the club and seeing all the people he doesn't know who happen to work for the same company that he does.

He sees enough of these anonymous faces at work. He doesn't want to spend a whole evening with them.

"You okay?" Dan shouts close to his ear, forced to be loud because of the noise.

"No," he shouts back without thinking.

Phil doesn't like crowds much. He doesn't like to go to clubs. He doesn't like his job. This is pretty much the worst place for him to be right now.

He _does_ like Dan. That's pretty much it when it comes to this particular building.

Phil can feel his pulse quicken. He can feel the walls closing in on him. They only just arrived, but he already wants to go home.

He spots Viv near the bar. She glances at him. He can't turn back now.

Suddenly, he feels Dan grab him by the hand, and drag him through the crowds in the direction of the basement part of the club.

"Where are we going?" Phil shouts, hoping Dan might hear him.

"Somewhere more quiet."

"How do you even know where to go?"

"I've been here before."

Dan does know his way around. In the basement, there is no bar and no dancefloor, just a few tables scattered around the area. It's still loud, but nowhere near as bad as upstairs. Phil wonders why he never chose to hide away here in the previous years. Usually, he spent most of the party locked in the toilet watching Netflix on his phone. This is definitely the superior option.

They sit down at one of the tables, and Dan offers to go back upstairs to get them both a drink. Phil gratefully agrees, scanning the other tables, checking if he knows anyone.

It seems like he doesn't. They're safe, for now.

 

Phil only gets a little time to admire the way Dan looks in his sparkly, over-the-top suit jacket before Dan approaches him with their drinks. He didn't even need to ask what Phil wanted to drink. He sits down across from Phil, and they clink their glasses together, saying a quiet _cheers_.

Without Dan, Phil would still likely be standing upstairs, navigating the crowds, trying to find a far corner where Viv would not see him. At best, he'd go find Lily, Kent or Vince. But they see each other every day at work, so Phil would most likely fall victim to a very awkward silence.

"Are you alright?" Dan asks again, pulling Phil out of his silent reverie.

"Yeah," he mumbles in response. "I just... I hate this party. This is my fifth."

"Do we have to stay long?"

The _we_ sounds so sweet, like music to his ears. He finally meets Dan's eyes, pleasantly surprised by the concern he finds on Dan's face.

"Usually like three hours or something..."

Dan groans, annoyed, and takes a sip of his drink.

"We'll have to go up for the speeches," Phil continues.

"Fuck the speeches."

Phil smiles. He likes the sound of that.

 

-

 

The basement slowly empties when people are being called upstairs to gather up for the speeches. Phil's initial instinct is to get up and go too, but Dan lays his hand on Phil's thigh, holding him in place.

Their eyes meet in a meaningful, prolonged look. Phil stays put, watching as the last group of people heads upstairs. Moments later, he hears the beginnings of a speech.

"Relax. Your demonic boss won't even notice you're not there."

"What about yours?"

"My boss barely knows I exist. It's alright."

"I hope you're right," Phil says, drinking the last of his rum. They can't go get more drinks now. They just have to stay here.

They remain silent for a while, Phil lost in his thoughts. It’s happened a lot over these past few weeks. Dan studies him while he is distracted, so when Phil glances in his direction, he finds him staring right back.

"What?" Phil stammers, uneasy under the weight of Dan's gaze. "Have I got something on my face?"

"No, it's just..."

"Just what?"

Dan exhales heavily, shaking his head. "Nothing. Brain freeze, that's all."

"You mean me?"

"No, you pigeon, I mean _myself_."

"Oh." Phil smiles, content to find Dan return the gesture. "I was about to defend myself just then."

"Defend yourself? From what?" Dan's voice is slowly slipping into teasing territory, and for that, Phil is glad. He doesn't want to think too much. He far prefers the banter over his own heavy, nonsensical thoughts.

"From your insults, obviously. You're always rude to me."

"I was plenty nice to you last night."

Phil flushes, despite the fact that they are currently alone. Somewhere above them, the CEO is talking about values, financial figures, and other boring things like that. It's not likely that anyone will come down here for a while yet. Even so, when he sees Dan scoot over closer, moving his chair to sit right next to Phil's, he casts a nervous look around the basement.

Dan doesn't seem to have the same worries. He grabs his hand carelessly, bringing it up to his lips, and lays a deliberate kiss on his knuckles, maintaining eye contact. Phil's response is instant: warmth spills all over his body, starting at the pit of his stomach, and he stops looking around the room. He's only got eyes for Dan now.

"What are you doing?" Phil asks the moment he manages to do so.

"Improving this shitty party by like, a bazillion percent?" Dan retorts with a smirk. Phil grins in reply, watching as Dan leans in. He doesn't move forward, simply allowing Dan to move all the way to him and press his lips against Phil's.

Phil feels drunk, but not on alcohol. He feels drunk on the risk, the sensation. It reminds him of the first two or three months with Dan, of all the times they met up at that maintenance closet, of the days when he well and truly believed that all he felt for Dan was desire, attraction, and a pinch of frustration.

Just how weird is he to think of those times as the simpler times?

 

He returns the kiss lazily, constantly listening if anyone is coming downstairs. It's next to impossible to hear over the sound of yet another person making yet another boring speech, though.

When they pause for air, Phil asks a question on a whim.

"What were you really thinking of?"

Dan freezes, frowning at him. "What?"

"Just then. During your _brain freeze_."

Dan rolls his eyes impatiently, and kisses Phil again, this time with a little more fervor, to avoid the question.

Why? Because he doesn't want to stop what they are doing, or because he doesn't want to answer?

Phil doesn't have much brain capacity left when kissing Dan. He lets go, allows himself to be swayed yet again. For what feels like the hundredth time.

Dan's lips taste of piña colada. Phil grabs him by the lapels of his suit jacket and pulls him in close, nearly making him fall off the chair. Dan makes a _whoa_ kind of sound, and giggles into Phil's mouth. They don't stop.

 

The speeches continue, and they continue too, in their own little world... up until Phil hears a voice calling his own name.

"Phil? Phil—oh, my god, sorry!"

They fly apart like wild animals under attack, and both immediately turn in the direction of the stairs.

It's Vince. Vince, Phil's coworker, Dan's acquaintance. Vince, with his eyes wide as saucers, so mortified that there is no doubt as to what he had just witnessed.

_Fuck!_

"I'm so sorry!" Vince babbles, standing there on the steps. "I had no idea you two were here. I had no idea you two were _together_. Fuck, that's not my business, is it? So sorry!"

"Vince, no, it's not like that," Phil rushes to protest. "We were just—"

Phil doesn't get to finish, because Dan interrupts him, voice high-pitched and nervous.

" _Together_? That's _ridiculous_ , of course not. Me and Phil?" He forces a laugh. "Never!"

Phil gasps. He slowly turns his head to look at Dan, but Dan is not looking in his direction.

 _Never_. And that tone of voice. Is he mocking Phil? What does he mean?

"We were just—I was just showing Phil something on my phone," Dan lies.

"I'm so sorry," Vince repeats, staring at Phil with a horrified expression. It seems like Dan's excuse didn't really work. "Phil, I—Viv noticed you weren't upstairs, and she said I had to go get you—I'm so, um, I'm so sorry guys, so sorry, _sorry_." Without further ado, Vince starts to run up the stairs, two steps at a time, leaving them both to their own devices.

 

_Me and Phil? Never!_

Phil is breathing fast as he stares down at his own hands, a frown twisting his features.

Dan was just trying to save the situation. His words don't mean a thing.

But when _do_ they mean something?

He remembers that first time. The way Dan said _it doesn't mean anything_.

How can it be that months later, he still chooses to say that, as opposed to just... just saying something less hurtful? Wouldn’t a quick no suffice? Or even laughing it off in a manner that doesn't indicate it's the last thing Dan might ever want.

Logically, Phil shouldn't be upset. But emotionally, he feels as though Dan just took his heart in his hand and squeezed tight.

Dan's soft voice brings him back to reality. "Phil?"

"I want to go home."

Phil stands up, pushing the chair aside loudly, and starts climbing the stairs while Dan rushes after him.

"Phil, I was just trying to make sure he didn't say anything," Dan explains weakly, following him as they reappear in the crowds of people upstairs. Phil pushes past his colleagues, not tripping once until he makes it out the door.

"Phil! For fuck's sake, wait!" Dan yells after him once Phil has stepped into the crisp cold air outside. Phil obeys, but he doesn't turn around to face Dan.

He is afraid that if he does, all of his feelings might fall from his mouth without a single filter.

"Phil?"

"I just want to go home, Dan." His voice is weak and weary as he speaks. "I'm tired."

And he is tired. Not just today, but in general. Of this life. This job he hates. This man he cares so much about, that he could build something great with, had he been allowed.

Was Dan just acting? Or is the idea really that ridiculous to him?

"I didn't mean it," Dan repeats, walking around him so that they are now face to face. "I just didn't want us getting in trouble."

"Right."

 

Phil doesn't understand Dan _fully_ , but he can guess a fair amount. Dan is scared of relationships. Dan may say he doesn't want one even if he does.

Dan hasn't made up his mind about Phil. Probably not.

But why would he be so needlessly cruel? Why would he call the mere idea of them being together _ridiculous_?

A small voice inside Phil's head tells him it's _panic_. But that just brings Phil to the main point.

How much longer can he even take this?

Phil wordlessly pulls out his phone, and orders an Uber from here to Dan's place.

"Are you upset with me?" Dan asks, trying, and failing, to look Phil in the eyes.

"Why would I be? It's all you've ever said to me too. You don't want to be anything other than friends, do you?" Phil sighs. There is an unspoken _but I do_ in there that neither of them address.

"Then why are you like this?" Phil can't see Dan's face, but there is a tremor in his voice that almost makes Phil back down.

But no. He is right to be upset about Dan's choice of words, about Dan once again dashing his hopes. He is not right to expect anything from Dan, of course, but this was just...

"You could have just said _no_ ," Phil mutters, tilting his head backwards, looking at the night-time sky.

"Why, so he can speculate? I was trying to avoid trouble!" Dan cries, but Phil barely hears him.

 

How much longer can he take this? Loving this man, and always being rejected in one way or another? How much more patience can he have?

He is breaking his own heart like this, he realises. Slowly but surely, piece by piece. And it's worth it for Dan, always has been.

But it stings. And it's not good for him.

 

The Uber arrives between one sentence and the next.

"Get in," he orders Dan. Dan does, for once not arguing.

And then Phil begins to shut the door.

"Phil, what—"

"I need to be alone today," Phil interjects. "Okay? Will you be fine, Dan?"

Dan's eyes say _no_. The image haunts Phil for the entire duration of his commute home.

 

-

 

He is being dramatic.

 _Is_ he being dramatic?

Dan has said nothing that Phil hadn't heard before.

But he said it in such a manner—

Dan often says things the wrong way. So does Phil.

It meant nothing. So many things mean so little.

Then why does it hurt so much?

 

It's the _never_ , he thinks. It's those few seconds of nervous laughter.

Phil knows the reaction though. Every circumstance was against them. Work party, loads of people, none of them knowing that Dan and Phil are not just friends.

But he could have said it better. He could have spared Phil the hurt. He'd still be mortified, because they should never have gotten caught.

But he wouldn't be this hurt.

People make mistakes, say the wrong things, and apologise. Dan had already apologised, even though he didn't have to.

But it hurts, fuck. It just hurts. It just hurts, and Phil doesn't want to analyze it any longer. He doesn't want to justify his own hurt to himself. He just wants to feel it, let it run its course, and sort things out with Dan tomorrow.

 

But can he?

Can he push his own feelings aside? For how long?

He can't leave Dan. Can't leave Dan alone in the face of his depression, nor can he leave him for entirely selfish reasons. He is stuck, isn't he?

Then again...

He hasn't been honest with Dan. Is it possible that Dan doesn't even realise the extent of pain Phil has been experiencing? After all, Phil never had the guts to tell Dan about his feelings. About the fact that he broke rule one... and with it, he also broke the last one. The one Dan asked them to add.

How could he ever break the _first_ one? The most important rule of all?

If he never fell for Dan, this arrangement would have been great for them. They'd be good friends and amazing lovers, but no. No, he had to go and mess it all up. He had to fall in love with Dan.

If it was mutual, then… then of course, it would've been perfect. But Dan made it clear as day. It's _not_ mutual. It will _never_ be, because Dan doesn't want it to be, and even if he does, he will never admit to it. And it's not that he didn't admit it to Vince, because that makes good sense. It's the way that he said it, the way he acted. Like it's impossible.

 

Phil broke rule one. He fell in love with Dan. It wasn't just infatuation, attraction, lust. It was love, a love for everything Dan does, for everything he stands for. He loved Dan, his virtues and his flaws, his good days and his bad days.

He loved Dan. He broke rule one.

And rule one… rule one was tied to another rule. The last one.

 

-

_Six months ago_

"I think… I think I want to add one more rule."

Phil turns around, looking at Dan expectantly. What more could he want? It's been one day, and Phil had already forgotten half the rules they made up. They spent a lot of time discussing them the previous night, coming up with all sorts of dumb ideas. In between them, hidden, remained the real rules – the things their arrangement needs in order to stay as it is now.

There is tension between them now; he feels it without even knowing why it’s there.

Phil walks back up, if only to have a clearer view of Dan's face, but that only makes it worse. Dan looks awfully serious, different from when they discussed not having sex if Phil loses at Mario Kart, Dan not saying _fuck_ and Phil not telling him what to do.

"What? I can't wear any more plaid?" Phil jokes, trying to relieve some of the tension. Dan does smile, but it comes out weak. "Okay, right. What rule?"

Dan breaks eye contact. His gaze drops down to the floor.

"Remember rule one?" Dan whispers, and Phil already knows he's not going to like this.

"Yeah?"

"Don't fall in love."

Phil nods.

"Rule fifteen. If we do, it's all over."

Phil's heart sinks. He understands. Of course he does. Still, he has to ask.

"If we do what?"

"If we fall in love," Dan reiterates, "you, or me, or—or both. It's over. That's rule fifteen."

"But why?"

"Because… because rule one is the one rule we can't break."

"Why?" Phil echoes, feeling like a fool.

"I don't want to be in love. With you, with anyone. It hurts. It's shit. I—I'm not in a—not in a place where I can..." He pauses, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "I told you. This is risky. It probably won't work. Like this—with this _rule_ —if we fuck up, we can end it before it gets too bad."

"Before it gets too bad?"

"Before there is no way back."

 

-

 

And that's the thing, isn't it? There is no fucking way back, not for Phil, not now. That way back is hundreds of miles away from where he is right now.

Why? Because even in all his rationality, when he thinks of Dan, he feels hopeful. He feels happy. He feels like there is a future just around the corner, like if he tries hard enough or waits long enough, it will happen. He observes each and every little change in Dan, and he spends hours thinking about it later.

He wakes up next to him, and remains in bed, watching him sleep. He holds him when he is down, and allows himself to be held when life gets rough. He wants to take him back to Isle of Man, to once again meet his parents. He wants to look him in the eyes, and say without fear, _I'm in love with you_.

 

But just _wanting_ can only get you so far, especially when it's most probably one-sided.

Dan made it clear months ago. Why had Phil never listened?

How could he allow himself to love someone that doesn't feel ready to be loved?

 

What he does next is an impulse, an uncontrolled choice, something he regrets almost immediately, but still remains convinced of it being the right thing to do.

He grabs his phone, takes a deep, shaky breath, and dials Dan's number.

When Dan answers, Phil says just one thing.

"Rule fifteen."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... You hate me now? I'm scared you might, but just remember that we're not done yet. Still a bit to go! Comments are welcome, feel free to either yell at me or soothe my worries! And as always, please [reblog this on tumblr](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/179764819800/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-24-edge) if you find it worthy :)
> 
> A thousand thanks to my wonderful beta reader [insectbah ](http://insectbah.tumblr.com)! I am eternally grateful for everything you do <3


	25. change

_"Rule fifteen."_

 

Phil can't believe he actually said it. He wishes he could take it back almost immediately, but at the same time, he awaits Dan's response with bated breath.

He didn't say it outright, but he knows that Dan will make the connection. They both forgot all the silly rules, but they remember the first and last very well. Phil knows that.

It's out in the open. He said it.

And now, all that remains is for Dan to actually respond.

 

The silence on the other end of the line stretches for far too long, and the only thing Phil hears is a sharp intake of breath. He has to hold back from making sure Dan is even there after that.

"Rule fifteen?" Dan finally echoes, voice faltering at the end.

Phil's tone dips into surprise. "You don't remember?"

"I do remember, but—"

"But?"

"You don't have to worry? We don't _have_ to. I'll quit being jealous and I won't say stupid shit—"

"I don't understand..."

"I don't feel that way, it's fine, I was just being weird."

Phil feels perplexed for a moment. What on earth is Dan even talking about? He thinks over what he just heard, and then it hits him.

Is Dan assuming that Phil thinks _Dan_ is the one that broke the rule? As in, that Dan is in love with him? Talk about ridiculous. Sure, a hopeful, slightly naive part of Phil may sometimes think that Dan does feel something for him, but even if Dan does, those feelings are buried so far down they will never pose any threat to their arrangement. No, it's Phil that messed it all up.

Which Dan _still_ doesn't seem to understand. Should he even clarify?

Well, he's gone this far. He has to now.

"Dan."

"I mean it, we—"

"Dan, will you just listen? I don't mean _you_."

Silence. Again.

Phil's heart is close to beating its way out of his chest.

He's gone this far. Surely Dan knows now.

Dan _knows_.

"You mean..."

Phil draws a breath, and on the exhale he mutters a quick, "Yeah."

"Phil..."

It's just his name, said in a shaky tone of voice. It's just his name, but it sends him into panic.

A part of him expected, or hoped, for something else. Something better. Not this tone, like Dan is about to explain something unpleasant to a child.

His instincts tell him to retreat, but there is next to no way back. All he can do is try to move forward at this point, to push the confession out of the way, to sweep it underneath the proverbial rug.

"Look, I—I want us to stay friends. I care about you. I don't want you to... to be alone with all this, I just—I can't do this anymore. We have to be friends, nothing else."

When Dan speaks again, Phil immediately recognises that voice. It reminds him of that time Dan cried in his arms.

"That's not what the rule said."

"No, but—but I don't want to lose you," he responds, then corrects himself, "your friendship, I don't want to lose that. I'll always be here for you, okay? I mean it, Dan. I'm here."

"You don't have to take pity on me, Phil."

If Dan's earlier words, that _never_ , if that hurt Phil, then this basically stabs him right in the chest. Repeatedly. Over and over.

Surely Dan doesn't think like this. He can't. Not after months and months of them growing closer.

It hits Phil that Dan is probably his best friend right now. Not just a lover, but his closest friend. Martyn doesn't count. They're brothers. Outside of Martyn, it's Dan, Dan, Dan, and then maybe someone from back home.

And Dan has the audacity to claim he is taking _pity_ on him?

"I don't pity you." Phil pauses to gather his thoughts. "Dan, please. Let me be your friend."

Again, it takes Dan some time to respond, and when he does, his voice is filled with emotion to the point that what Phil hears sounds more like a sob. "You are."

"I am."

They are both silent for a moment. The only thing Phil hears is Dan's breathing, uneven and tainted with a hint of tears.

"I think we—we need a few days to cool off, yeah? Or at least I do," Phil says after the silence begins to feel suffocating. "But if you need me, I'm here, okay? Dan?"

"So no contact?"

"I think it would... it would help."

"Right."

 _I'm sorry_ , he wants to say, but holds himself back.

"Are you going to be alright?" Phil asks instead, voice small.

"I just need some time to think."

 _About what?_ , he thinks.

"Me too," he says. "Can you just... can you text me? Say you're okay?"

"I'll try."

"Thanks." Silence, silence, more silence. "Good night, Dan."

"Good night, Phil."

 

Dan is the one that hangs up first.

 

-

 

So Dan doesn't feel that way.

Right?

Obviously not. Phil didn't say things outright, didn't name his own feelings, but he may as well have. Dan surely knows what he means.

And yet, all Phil got in return was disappointment.

Fuck. It stings, it _stings_.

 

Why didn't he just suck it up? He could have ignored Dan's _never_ —and fuck, even thinking about that only makes it worse, but he could have focused on keeping what they already have and not trying to reach for anything other than friendship.

He broke the rules and kept it secret for so long. It wouldn't have killed him to just keep that up.

On the other hand...

He burrows himself further underneath the covers, bringing the duvet up over his head until he is wrapped in a warm cocoon. Even that feels wrong. The sheets still smell like Dan.

Phil used to sleep in the middle of the bed, but not now. Now, he is always on the left side, and Dan's side feels so empty without him there.

But was it ever really Dan's?

He thinks back to the first time he saw Dan. Was this already destined to fail from those very first moments? Was he foolish to think they could keep up this arrangement forever?

Well, Dan can. It's Phil that cannot.

 

He buries his head in the pillow, warm tears filling his eyes. Powerless to stop it, he settles for letting the pillow absorb his tears, while he grabs the one Dan slept on just a couple nights ago and holds it close.

He doesn't blame Dan for this; no, Dan was always clear on what he wanted. Even when they pushed boundaries, Dan kept the most important ones in place. It's not his fault that Phil fell in love with him.

Even still, Phil can't bring himself to regret it. Because how could he?

It's impossible to regret meeting someone like that. Someone so passionate, driven, funny, someone who likes nearly all the same things that Phil does. Someone with a past, with issues, with concerns, that Phil tried – and failed – to soothe. Someone that made him feel better, braver, like he had a purpose, like there was a future waiting for him just around the corner.

He can't blame Dan for that. He brightened his previously grey existence, and now Phil is the one that is making a mess of things.

It is the right choice. If there is no way to move forward in the direction they were previously headed in, they both need a new one, and Dan would likely never approach the subject.

It's the right choice. It _is_.

But that doesn't make it hurt any fucking less.

 

-

 

Saturday passes Phil by in a blur of waiting for a text from Dan. He is plagued by his own emotions, and he can't seem to find any peace. He reminds himself that his choice was a good one, and maybe after a few days, they will be able to start working on being friends _without_ benefits.

He starts hurting again when he realises that if they are to be proper friends with no additional relationship, he will never feel Dan's lips on his again. Never hold him like that. Never sleep together, in the same bed, snuggled up throughout the night.

He forces his mind onto other subjects. It lasts for a few minutes at the most.

Dan doesn't text him, and Phil spends the majority of the day waiting for him to do so. He pores over each and every conversation he can remember them having, and purposefully reminds himself of the ones that made him happy. He looks at Dan's end of the sofa and imagines him sitting there, grinning at him, with an Xbox controller in his hand.

In short, he is being stupid on purpose, and making this so much worse.

When nighttime falls, he settles for watching Buffy with a pint of ice cream and a bottle of whisky. Phil is no big drinker, so after two glasses he feels the warmth of alcohol heating up his veins. Even that is treacherous, because he remembers the previous night, drinking with Dan before everything went to shit.

God, Phil is being downright _pathetic_.

 

He doesn't want to cry, but the tears come on their own accord the moment he comes back to bed. He keeps beating himself up over the choice to call things off with Dan, while simultaneously still clinging to the thought that it was the right thing to do. His mum always used to say that sometimes doing the right thing meant doing the hardest thing. Phil had never thought that her words would ring so true at a time like this.

He falls asleep around two in the morning, clutching his phone, hoping Dan might check in.

He doesn't.

 

-

 

On Sunday, he is woken up by the sound of his ringtone.

His heart starts racing almost immediately, because his tired mind convinces itself that it must be Dan. However, a quick glance at the phone tells him that it's Martyn. Martyn loves to ring him at early hours on Sundays, the bastard.

Phil ponders not picking up, but he does eventually answer the phone with a tired, "Hello."

"Oh come on man, you're still asleep? It's almost ten!" Martyn exclaims, then continues in a calmer manner, "The girls woke us up around six today, so it feels like midday for me. God, I miss being able to sleep in."

"Yeah," is all Phil says in response.

"Anyway, I spoke with mum about Christmas. We could fly in on the 22nd, get some extra time? You booked time off like we said, right?"

" _Christmas_? It's like two months to go."

"You know mum, she needs to get all her stuff sorted way ahead of time." When Phil doesn't say anything, Martyn prompts, "So you're alright with it?"

"I don't care." Phil's throat feels dry, he hasn't put on his glasses yet, he can’t even find them. The room is dark and cold and lonely and he doesn't give a toss about _Christmas_ , he just wants to hear from Dan, and Martyn is blocking the bloody line.

"What? You _love_ Christmas!" The pitch of Martyn's voice goes up, drilling through Phil's ears without mercy. "Something's wrong. Are you alright?"

On the one hand, Phil would like to talk about it, if only to have someone to whine to. On the other, he doesn't want to hear the _I told you so_ , nor does he want the concern Martyn is inevitably going to display. Dan didn't break Phil's heart. Phil's just suffering from a severe case of dashed hopes and dreams.

"I'm just tired."

"No you're not. Tell me or I'm coming over."

"I'm fine, Martyn. Really."

"I'll be there soon," Martyn says, ignoring Phil.

Phil doesn't get to argue, because Martyn hangs up first. Typical.

With a sigh, he goes to get dressed. He is not about to look worse than necessary.

 

Martyn shows up an hour later, and just by the look in his eyes, Phil knows he _does_ look pretty bad. Martyn's eyes widen upon seeing Phil, and then a frown sets in on his face.

"What happened?" Martyn immediately asks, pushing inside the flat.

"Nothing," Phil dismisses, shutting the door. "You want something to drink?"

"What happened?"

Phil rolls his eyes, shrugs and sits down on the sofa. Martyn follows him to the lounge, but he does not sit down, instead opting to stand a few steps away, directly in front of Phil, with his arms crossed over his chest. Phil meets his brother's gaze reluctantly.

"Come on, talk to me."

Phil bites his lip, pondering it for a bit before sighing. He might as well tell Martyn. He will have to explain the lack of Dan, anyway.

"Fine. I, um... I kind of ended that thing I had with Dan? I mean, I said we should stay friends."

Martyn's mouth falls slightly open at this. He nods, encouraging Phil to continue.

"I mean, we _were_ friends, but you know we had the—" Phil doesn't want to say it out loud, and Martyn doesn't make him. "So I said we have to stop that."

"Why?"

"It wasn't going anywhere."

"It wasn't going where _you_ wanted it to go, you mean." Martyn sits down next to Phil, studying him carefully before saying something else. "What exactly did you tell him? Did you finally grow a pair of balls and tell him you're crazy about him?"

"Oh my god, why am I even talking to you," Phil exclaims, turning his gaze in the direction of his own lap.

"Because I am an endless fountain of brotherly wisdom. So? What did you tell him?"

"I told him we had to quit it and I still want to be friends." Phil's throat feels tight, which makes his voice sound strained. He wanted to keep it somewhat cool in front of Martyn, but that's probably out the door now. "And I—I guess I suggested that it's because of me."

Martyn makes a sort of _ugh_ sound before asking, "And what did he say, then?"

"Mar, I'm 28. I'm not going to gossip with you like we're in primary school."

"You're 28, but you're still a little thick, Phil."

Inviting Martyn over was the worst idea _ever_. Or agreeing to him coming over, whichever.

"So what did he say?" Martyn prompts again.

"Nothing? Kind of."

Phil looks up upon hearing Martyn sigh heavily. He finds his brother staring at the ceiling, shaking his head slightly.

"Don't say you told me so, Mar. It's nothing."

"I'm just praying to a god that I don't believe in that he may gift at least _one_ of you with an actual brain," Martyn mutters, eyes still on the ceiling. When Phil says nothing, he looks down to meet his eyes. "I'm not helping, right?"

"No. Fuck no."

Martyn presses both his palms to his eyes for a few seconds, then focuses back on Phil.

"Okay, right. Look, maybe you could have at least said you have feelings for him."

"I as good as did that!" Phil shouts, feeling irritation creeping in.

"I mean, knowing you, you didn't _really_."

"I did."

His brother lets out another long-suffering sigh. "Fine, but you could have made it a little bit clearer."

"It wouldn't change anything. He doesn't feel that way."

Now Martyn throws his hands up in the air, then slams them down on his thighs with a loud smack.

"I'm sorry Phil, I love you, but if you mean what you just said, you're a bit of a moron. And Dan is a bit of a moron too."

"Did you seriously come here just to insult me?" Phil asks incredulously.

"I'm just trying to make you see sense!"

"If he had feelings to me, he had the chance to say so. He doesn't want anything else than this, alright? Stop trying to convince me otherwise!"

Phil gets up from the sofa and walks over to the window, staring out at the shades of grey that make up this part of London. Even the sky is grey. No surprise there.

"Right, look. I think you should've told him, but—but this is a great second choice. You can't keep doing what you've been doing, so this is good, yeah? But—"

"But what?" Phil asks, still not looking at Martyn.

Martyn's voice is a little subdued now. "Maybe he just needs some time?"

"He's had lots of time! Do you really think he hadn’t noticed how I feel?"

"That's why I said he's a moron too. I swear, you two are giving me high blood pressure. You're also being a bit dramatic there, mate."

"I'm not being dramatic, I'm being _sad_. It’s stupid. It’s like a breakup, only it’s not."

"I mean, it is? What else did you think it was?"

Phil remains quiet now. He rubs his forehead, feeling a headache coming on. He should take some pills before it gets worse, but he hasn't actually eaten yet today.

"What should I do?" Phil asks Martyn after a long pause.

"Give it time, Phil. Just give it some time."

 

-

 

Come Sunday night, Phil's a mess. He is fighting himself, his own hopes, wishes, dreams and logical thoughts.

He texts Dan, because he worries about him more than he worries about himself.

 

**Phil, 11:19 PM**

Are you ok?

 

**Dan, 11:19 PM**

i thought we weren't talking

 

**Phil, 11:19 PM**

I thought you would check in like we said

 

**Dan, 11:20 PM**

im fine

 

 _Fine_ covers so many different states for Dan, Phil doesn't even know whether that's a good thing or not.

 

**Phil, 11:21 PM**

I hope you really are

 

**Dan, 11:22 PM**

good night phil

 

Phil isn't sure why that is what makes the dam break yet again, that short text, that _good night_. Maybe because just a few days back he heard it in person, with Dan in his arms. Maybe because Dan didn't even comment on Phil’s last text. Maybe because Martyn is a fucking idiot who got Phil's hopes up yet again.

But yeah, a few tears trail down his cheeks. He'll never admit it to anyone. Not even Dan, _especially_ not Dan.

He scrolls up to a month back, when their texts were happier, and reads those for a while until sleep overtakes him.

 

-

 

Phil somehow manages to push away the thought of facing Vince until the very moment he starts his morning commute. At first he toys with the idea of turning back and calling in sick. Ultimately he doesn't, for two reasons: one – Viv's wrath, two – the chance that he might bump into Dan at work. Not very likely, but still.

It's not easy though, to convince himself to actually go up to the floor he works on, take off his coat, take a few deep breaths and finally enter their room.

As soon as he does enter the office, all eyes are on him. Has Vince really told them?

He scans the faces of his coworkers, starting with Lily, the most transparent of them all. Her brows are drawn tight, and she avoids his gaze. That alone is kind of enough to confirm it for him.

He looks at Vince now, maintaining what he hopes is a stern expression. He is not surprised when Vince immediately looks away.

"Hello," he forces himself to say. He sits at his desk, booting up his computer, nervously thinking what to do.

He can't confront Vince here, even if the others already know, but he knows that he has to confront him soon. If there is one thing Phil hates more than his job, it's an awkward atmosphere.

"Viv was looking for you, Phil," Lily says. He is caught off-guard. "She seemed..."

"...upset?" Kent fills in.

"Yeah, wouldn't want to be you right now, mate," she adds with sympathy. Phil begins to wonder if Vince even told them anything at all.

"What'd she want?"

"You missed the speeches," Vince mumbles. "She saw you err, leaving during Mr. Johnson's speech..."

"She said she should fire you because you're _disrespectful_. The bitch." Lily shakes her head with a sigh.

Phil is not even too bothered at this point. His boss obviously is quite disrespectful herself, discussing things like that with his coworkers, but... whatever. In his phone, he already has three recordings. More than enough to build a proper case. Not in court, of course not, but he could approach someone a little higher than Viv and show it to them.

Will he ever have the courage? Doubtful, but it does make him feel a little more less concerned about the whole thing. Of course, it's easy to say when he is not in front of her, being yelled at.

Which he will be soon.

"Does she want me to come up to her office, then?"

"Afraid so..." Kent mutters.

He drops his backpack on the floor and heads out, followed by Lily's quiet _good luck_. He then hears footsteps, and turns around to find that Vince followed him out of the room.

Convenient, yeah, but it does make him shiver slightly. He doesn't even know what to say. He'd spent the entire weekend thinking about Dan, so he hadn't exactly prepared for this.

"Phil, I'm _so_ sorry," Vince says, looking anywhere but at Phil. "I'm—I'm honestly so sorry."

"It's not your fault," Phil replies quickly. "I'm sorry for making you feel awkward."

"I had no idea you two—"

"Vince," he interjects. His voice drops a little lower, a hint of warning to it. This isn't the kind of thing he really wants to discuss.

"Yeah, um, sorry really, Phil."

Phil nods, then asks timidly, "Have you told the others?"

Vince raises his brows for an instant, then frowns. "Of course not."

Phil mentally scolds himself for jumping to conclusions, for allowing his own anxiety to tell him what's real and what's not. He offers Vince a small smile. "Thanks."

Vince nods. "Sorry again, mate."

He then slips back into the office, leaving Phil to walk over to Vivian's office by himself.

Phil knows full well that it won't be pleasant.

 

-

 

Phil is quite used to getting yelled at, but what happens today is out of this world. The only thing he is thankful for is the fact that his phone is in the pocket of his jeans, recording the whole thing.

One upside to the whole ordeal is that when he finally does leave Vivian's office, having received every bit of vitriol she had accumulated, he is too shaken to even think about Dan too much. What a _blessing_ , really.

Apparently the CEO saw him leaving during his speech, and Vivian had to make excuses for him. Whether it's true or not, Phil doesn't know or care. He spent the better part of an hour listening to what a waste of space he is, and combined with the whole Dan situation, it's just a little too much. He leaves her office with his shoulders slumped, quite unsure as to how he will last the entire day at work now.

His instincts tell him to go find Dan. To seek comfort and solace in his arms. But he can't do that; he gave up that option on his own accord. He doesn't know whether Dan would even want to see him right now.

He could ring Martyn, could ring his mum, his dad, even Cornelia. Hell, if he would ring one of his friends from back home, it would be alright. But how often can he whine about things before they get sick of it? Dan hadn't gotten sick of him yet, but Phil had to go and muck that up. Phil is now well and truly alone.

Is this what he wanted? It isn't any different from what he had before Dan. Only now, it feels like he'd lost something so precious; a part of his soul, if one believes in that type of thing.

 

He drags himself to the office, one foot after another. He doesn't even have to say anything to his coworkers. They _know_.

Lily stands up from her desk, walks over to him, and gives him a hug. Phil freezes, unsure how to respond, so he just stands there, waiting for her to let go.

"Aw, Phil," she says softly. "I'm sorry. She's a total bitch."

"Was the CEO really upset about me leaving?" Phil asks blankly.

Lily pulls away, keeping her arms wrapped around Phil's middle, but now able to look up at him. "What?"

"Viv said she had to make excuses for me because I left during the party."

Over Lily's head, he sees Kent and Vince frown in confusion, as does she.

"No, nobody noticed. Just Viv, I s'pose. She was keeping track, checking if we’re all stood in the same place, so she saw you weren’t there."

Phil draws a sharp intake of breath. So he spent all this time getting yelled at, and for what? For something she made up? Perhaps she _does_ want to fire him. For what? He doesn't even know anymore. He doesn't want to be fired, though. Doesn't want her to have the satisfaction.

His colleagues keep on talking, but he kind of phases out. Lily sits down, as does Phil after a few moments, but his mind is elsewhere.

 

Of course, he is thinking about Dan.

He and Dan made a complete mess out of the whole thing, but he hopes that deep down, Dan still cares about him in some way. As a friend, as the friend that Phil well and truly is for him. They both are that for each other, or they _were_. Who knows what the future will bring. Who knows if Dan will even want to talk to him anymore.

Throughout their acquaintance, Dan often tried to teach Phil to be fearless, unapologetic. To stand up for himself, to fight for what feels right. Phil made small steps in that direction: he was gathering his recordings, he was calling in sick when he needed to, but that just didn't cut it.

How many times had he been told to just quit? By Dan, by Martyn? Even his mum. Just once, but still.

But what would his dad say? Phil has some savings, but not enough to last for more than around three months. What would he do after that?

The other option is to bring up the matter to someone with more power than Viv. He could have his revenge, could have her fired. Maybe. Who knows really.

The thing is, Phil is too tired for revenge. But he is too tired to go on too.

 

He plugs his phone to the computer and transfers all the recordings. He then saves them to a USB drive, and hands the drive to Lily, who looks down at it with a perplexed expression.

"When you feel the time is right, use these? Please." Lily shakes her head, not understanding. "Listen to what’s on the drive, you'll know what I mean."

"What are you on about?"

Phil is already packing his bag. He doesn't have many things here. Viv says they need to keep a clean desk.

"I'll be right back," he says to his coworkers once he is done gathering his things. They don't say anything, staring at him in silence.

He makes the walk to Viv's office. Once outside the door, he takes a deep breath.

He is being foolish. Much like with Dan, he is dropping something he is not ready to drop.

Only this time, he thinks Dan would approve.

 

He walks in without knocking, and manages to speak before she scolds him.

"I quit. I'm not coming in tomorrow. I will send you my resignation by post."

He's out the door before she gathers her bearings.

 

-

 

It's past midday when he leaves the office. The air is crisp, and the ground is littered with fallen leaves.

He breathes in deep.

Great. So to add to his heartache, he now also has to look for a new job.

He tries to imagine Dan's reaction to this, and he briefly feels better. Yeah, his dad will be upset, his mum will worry, and he will need to find something new quick.

But Dan? Phil thinks that Dan would be proud.

 

He grabs his phone, and the first person he wants to text is Dan. That is when the pain returns. It's a rollercoaster, this - a cocktail of emotions that Phil is not used to at all.

He finally settles for texting Martyn.

 

**Phil, 1:12 PM**

I just quit my job

 

**Martyn, 1:12 PM**

What

Holy fuck

What's gotten into you??

 

**Phil, 1:13 PM**

I just finally decided to listen to some advice

 

He slides his phone back into the pocket of his jeans, hiding it away before the urge to text Dan becomes overwhelming.

He'll be alone tonight. And the next night. And the next.

But maybe eventually, they will patch things up. They'll be friends, and that will hurt, but it will hurt less than what Phil had before.

And then, Phil will tell Dan. Dan, who always encouraged him to stand up for himself. Dan, the one that made Phil even start the recordings. The one that made Phil believe in his own self-worth, at least to the point where he no longer blindly believed the words of his boss.

Quitting was Phil’s choice, but it was Dan that started the spark that later lit the flame.

And when they speak again - Phil hopes they will - Dan will surely be proud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your comments (I'm answering them right now, but I figured I'll post first so you can read it sooner) <3 I'd really appreciate if you tell me what you think of this one too, it truly makes my day :) Of course [reblogs on tumblr](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/179903249670/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-25-change) are super welcome too!
> 
> My wonderful beta reader [insectbah](http://insectbah.tumblr.com) deserves a million thanks!! Thank you for all your amazing help <3 
> 
> By the way, cool news! [Rhiandenae](https://rhiandenae.tumblr.com/) made a really fantastic playlist for this fic! Thank you so much! I recommend giving it a listen, [click here!](https://open.spotify.com/user/pjq9qycxpjw0nync8vffmagf6/playlist/6O2lJDYzupjO2TRqz1JwBY?) Don't forget the first also amazing playlist made by [templeofshame](http://templeofshame.tumblr.com) \- [click here](https://open.spotify.com/user/37b3r8jw21uwbv7ly06uhtjpe/playlist/1RKLXXRMf23KApsjRznVYW?si=_1jXTretTc-zbqq8OutAwg) :)


	26. crossroads

Phil wakes up to the sound of the alarm that he forgot he doesn't need anymore.

Wow.

So. He doesn't have a job.

Technically, he still works there, but he'll go and send in his resignation later today. He should probably work until his notice is up, but he can't imagine going back there after the exit he made yesterday.

He groans, running his fingers through his hair. Yeah, maybe it wasn't the wisest decision.

But he does feel _free_ right now. It won’t last, but for right now, it’s a nice feeling.

 

He tries to tell himself not to worry. Surely he will find himself a different job. It can't be that hard. Phil spoke to Martyn last night, and he can work at his brother's company if things really go south. It won't be what he studied for, but it will pay the bills until he gets back into editing.

It will most probably be okay. But even so, Phil has to admit one thing.

He can't recognise himself.

 _What's gotten into you?_ Martyn texted him yesterday, and Phil can't help but agree with the question.

First, on Friday, he did... well, whatever it is that he even did to his friendship with Dan. Either way, it's a mess. Then on Monday, he finally snapped and quit his job.

Now it's Tuesday, and he has no Dan to talk to, no job to go to, and no plans for the day other than mailing his resignation letter. He'll also have to call his parents and tell them the news, but he will probably save that for tomorrow.

 _Great_. Thinking of this while he is still in bed is exactly the right way to start the day.

Not for the first time since Friday, he looks at Dan's side of the bed, empty and cold now that he is not here. It brings back too many memories. It's not like they used to spend every night together, but definitely most nights… and over the past few weeks, they were almost never apart.

He sighs, feels around for his glasses and gets out of bed. It's time to start the day.

 

-

 

Phil is done with all of his errands by noon and gets back home soon after that.

What to do now?

He knows that he needs to find a way to escape his own thoughts before they drive him up the wall. His job is one thing – he's still kind of trying to process that, but he can't bring himself to feel sad or guilty about it. It was a bold choice, a risky choice, but he knows he won’t miss the damn place.

However, he does wish he had Dan to share all this with right now. He reminds himself that the lack of contact was his decision, his request, and tries to remember why he even thought it was a good idea.

Then again, would they really be able to just brush off his confession – because that's what it was, pretty much – and continue being friends without adding anything else to it? Phil likes to think they'd pull it off, but he can't be sure.

If Dan doesn't have any feelings for him, then it would all be down to Phil getting over his own. Can he do that? How long will it even take?

 

He sighs, checking his phone for the umpteenth time. Nothing.

He can't blame Dan for the lack of contact, but he does worry about him. He wishes they had friends in common – someone that he could ask about Dan's current state. They do know a few of the same people from work, but he doubts that those people are close enough to Dan to be able to tell how he is feeling.

It strikes Phil that Dan just might be as lonely as Phil is, and he finds no comfort in that thought. Actually, there are no thoughts that bring him any comfort right now.

He needs a distraction.

So he starts cleaning.

 

Phil is not a very naturally tidy person. He leaves things all around the flat, and he likes a bit of clutter. He feels like having little bits and bobs littered all over adds soul to the place, and since he was quite distressed over the weekend, on top of his usual clutter there are now dishes piling in the sink and clothes on the floor of his bathroom.

He puts on some music – the music he doesn't really share with Dan, since Dan has a quite sophisticated taste in comparison – and gets started.

He scrubs the bathroom. He vacuums and mops the floors. He starts the laundry.

He thinks about changing the sheets, but then he remembers the smell of Dan's aftershave on his pillow and changes his mind. He does the dishes, cleans the kitchen, and puts things away in the bedroom.

He finds one of Dan's shirts in the process, his eclipse one. Dan never wears it outside anymore. He said that he grew out of that phase. He brought it over to Phil's for the sole purpose of sitting around in. It was just something to wear when they'd lounge on the sofa, playing games, eating pizza.

Phil hides the shirt in the wardrobe, folding it neatly. He will return it someday soon. For sure. He cannot allow himself to think anything else.

He cleans more than he had in months. He even goes as far as to clean the windows, although he lacks the energy to put the curtains in the wash.

 

He tries to iron a couple of his shirts, since he will surely need them soon if he will be invited to job interviews.

It's going like shit. He hates ironing. He's bad at it. He leaves a mark on one of his white shirts, which is just fantastic. How does Dan always wear these perfectly ironed clothes? Phil usually buys things based on whether they absolutely _have_ to be ironed or not. Meanwhile, Dan goes to work looking like a supermodel.

That just might be Dan, though. Not the clothes.

Phil groans, angrily unplugging the iron. He's not going to do this now.

His own memories catch up to him in the worst possible way. He remembers how Dan did try to teach him how to properly iron a shirt once. He was stood next to Phil, shouting directions at him, less and less coherent due to how much they were both laughing at Phil's failures. They ended up getting distracted halfway through, so Phil can't say that he learned much.

Dan ironed that shirt for him later, while Phil was in the shower. Phil needed it for a morning meeting. _Can't have you looking like you just got out of bed_ , Dan said sheepishly when Phil expressed his surprise upon getting out of the shower.

Fuck.

 

He sits on the sofa. The sun is setting and the room grows darker, but he makes no move to turn on the light.

Maybe not thinking of Dan is not the right solution. Maybe it's okay to let himself just _feel_ this.

Maybe it's the only option.

Is Dan thinking of him too?

 

-

**Phil, 1:39 AM**

Are you ok?

 

**Dan, 1:39 AM**

im sorry for not texting

 

**Phil, 1:39 AM**

Is that a no?

 

**Dan, 1:40 AM**

i dont even know

 

Phil does, though. Dan must not be feeling great. Is Phil to blame?

 

**Phil, 1:41 AM**

I could come over if you want company

As a friend

 

His heart is racing as he awaits the response.

 

**Dan, 1:42 AM**

i think we do need a few days

 

 _Oh_.

He types and deletes a few texts before sending them. Finally, he settles on the one message he truly needs to convey.

 

**Phil, 1:43 AM**

Just remember I'm here

 

**Dan, 1:43 AM**

i do

 

-

_Friday_

 

Phil has almost had a productive rest of the week.

On Wednesday, he called his parents and broke the news to them. It wasn't _that_ bad. His mum said she was sure he'd find something new, and while his dad commented on it being a bit irresponsible, he wasn't quite as upset as Phil had expected.

On Thursday, he went over to visit Martyn and Cornelia. Martyn had to go to the office, but upon Cornelia's invitation, Phil ended up staying. He then spent the majority of the day with his sister in law, helping her out. She stubbornly insisted on not needing any help with the girls or various chores, but Martyn did tell Phil that she shouldn't overexert herself, so Phil good-naturedly ignored her protests and assisted where he could. He also spent some time with his nieces. That time was good. He didn't think much. He was in the moment, spending time with his family, watching these two beautiful little girls eat and play and finally be put to bed at a ridiculously early hour.

Being a child was easier. He wouldn't mind going back to that.

Dan texted him late on Thursday. It was just a quick _im okay_. Phil read the message over and over an embarrassing amount of times.

 

Now it's Friday afternoon, and Phil has no plans whatsoever. He does have a standing invitation to visit Cornelia and Martyn again, but he can't be in their hair every day. He is toying with the idea of visiting his parents sometime next week, since he does not need to beg for vacation time anymore. He's not quite sure yet if he should go. It won't be easy to face his dad, however nice he was over the phone, without someone else to fight Phil's corner with him. Phil's dad is more like Martyn than Phil. He'd got his act together at a young age and became successful over the years. Phil is not, and likely will never be, business savvy. He can't even blame it on his own artistic soul. His dad likes to paint.

 

What can he even do to fill his time now? What did he used to do before meeting Dan? There was always something to do before: he'd play games, watch films, play around with editing for fun. After Dan, nothing seems worth it anymore.

It's funny how he never realised how big a part Dan played in his life, not until Phil decided to take a break from him, and to change their arrangement into one that might be less confusing.

It _would_ be less confusing, if Phil wasn't an idiot, and if that _space_ could just end now. It's been a week. It's been long enough.

But Dan said he needed a few days too, and Phil respects that. He is now torn between waiting for a text and just texting Dan first.

In the end, he does neither. He puts on Buffy, wraps up in a blanket, and tries to pretend that he isn't looking at his phone every twenty seconds.

 

-

_Monday_

Phil is working on his resume when his phone rings. He doesn't recognise the number, but he picks up anyway, thinking it might be the delivery guy.

He needs some takeout today. Really.

 

It's not the delivery guy. He can't place the voice at first, but after a few seconds, he realises that it's Vince.

"Phil? Is it alright that I'm ringing you? You're not busy?" Vince asks after they exchange hellos. He sounds like he is trying to keep his voice down.

Phil assumes Vince needs help with some project of Phil's. He feels bad for his ex-colleagues, since their workload will only increase now, what with Phil quitting on the spot.

"Not busy! Has something happened?"

"Your um, friend was here. Dan." Phil's heart stutters ever so briefly. "He was looking for you, I think."

_He was?_

_Why?_

_What did he say?_

_What did he want?_

_How did he look? Did he seem alright?_

_Is he coming back?_

_Did he mention me?_

_Why—_

In the end, all Phil manages is a shaky, "Oh?"

"Yes. Um, Lily said I shouldn't ring you but you know, I figured—I mean, after the party, I kind of owe you one."

Phil frowns, waiting for Vince to elaborate. When Vince says nothing, Phil prompts, "What happened?"

"He was here last week too. On Friday."

_What?_

"Yeah?"

"He has no idea that you quit, right?"

Phil rolls his eyes, not about to divulge anything. "What did he want on Friday?"

"He was just askin' questions. He sat down at your desk and hung out for a bit."

"That's all?" Phil asks, doubtful. As much as he enjoys the thought of Dan looking for him, it also doesn't make sense. If Dan wanted him, he could easily just text him and Phil would come running in ten minutes. He hardly has to sneak around at work. It just doesn't seem logical.

Then again, when is Dan ever logical?

"Lily told him about your um, about why you quit. And that USB stick you left her." Vince sounds somewhat uncomfortable now, but he continues after a pause. "He looked bloody angry. I thought he was 'bout to go throwing punches, I swear."

Phil sighs heavily, not too bothered about Vince hearing it. Dan always used to get quite angry when Phil was mistreated by his boss.

Phil did hope to tell Dan about the job thing himself, once they start talking again. Which he wishes they would have done a few days ago, but still. He is giving it the time he asked for as well as respecting Dan's wish to do the same.

"And then what?" he urges.

"He asked Lil to copy the recordings for him."

Oh. Oh no. Phil kind of knows where this is going, and he doesn't want it to go there at all.

Lily wasn't going to use the recordings unless it was absolutely needed. She feared for her job too much. But Dan?

"Vince, just tell me the whole story," Phil requests, because the constant pauses are driving him up the wall.

"Well, he's come up again today, yeah? Not looking for you anymore, but he mentioned you. Said he, um, said he's always told you to do this. I had no idea what he was on about, but then an hour later, we all get called in for an emergency meeting, and apparently Viv got fired."

"Wait—wait, what?" Phil nearly shouts into the phone. "She got _fired_?"

"Yes, we're all going out to celebrate on Friday. Hell, I reckon they'll give you your job back if you want it. I won't be surprised if they come beggin' you not to sue. I mean... at least that's what _Dan_ said." Vince pauses, but Phil barely notices, lost in a jumble of his own thoughts. "Phil, is it my fault? I mean—I mean, obviously something happened between you two—"

Phil shakes his head, trying to sort out all the different things floating around his brain.

"Did Dan get fired?"

"What?"

"Fired. Did he get fired? For reporting Viv?"

"Hasn't said anything. I don't think he will be. He's from a different department."

Phil can't continue this conversation any longer.

"Vince, I'm sorry, I have to—"

"Hold on." Vince's voice drops in volume again. "Don't tell him I said anything, alright? We all promised not to."

Phil can't in all honesty promise never to tell Dan, so he only says, "I'll try."

Vince keeps on describing the events of the day, but Phil kind of tunes him out, thinking about what Dan did.

What was the point? Phil is not working there anymore. Won't come back even if asked. Besides, they'd scarcely spoken the whole week. Why would Dan stick his neck out for Phil?

Phil knows why. Because they are friends.

The urge to hang up and call Dan is overwhelming, but he restrains himself. He'll give it a day or two, see if Dan will check in.

They both needed, and still need, the space. All Phil can do now is respect that and listen to his own wishes, even if he doesn't really want to.

 

"Phil? You there?" Vince brings him back down to earth.

"Yeah."

"Dan seems to care about you a lot."

Dan _does_ care about Phil. Maybe not in the way that Phil wants, but in one of the ways that Phil needs.

Phil scolds himself for ever doubting that.

"Yeah. I know."

 

-

 

It's a losing battle, this whole thing with Dan.

Phil can't stifle his feelings. He's not sure if he ever will be able to. But he can still be friends with Dan, if only Dan will be alright with it.

Most of all, he wants to be there for Dan, the way Dan was there for him just now – even without actually contacting him directly.

Phil's heart swells with pride at having met someone like Dan, but that pride is tainted by sorrow at possibly losing him. It's been over a week now, and Phil is still standing at a crossroads, unsure of the path ahead of him.

And Dan? Dan is confusing as ever. A tiny part of Phil wants to hope, but he tries to keep that part at bay. Right now, the thing he hopes for the most is that he and Dan will manage to build a friendship that will last.

He also hopes that he will be able to keep his own feelings from interfering with that.

 

Fine, that's all great and noble, but what if Dan meets someone else? How would Phil handle that? The thought alone burns him and puts him on high alert. He is not a naturally jealous person. He just can't imagine losing the chance forever.

Or maybe he already lost it?

But did he really? Would Dan really do something like this for someone he didn't care about, someone that went and made everything awfully complicated?

Phil throws himself on the bed, groans into the pillow and rolls over, now laying on his back.

 

This just won't do. He needs to talk to Dan. Even a small _how are you_. He will keep Vince's secret for now, but he just needs to... He just needs Dan.

 

**Phil, 11:43 PM**

Dan?

 

**Phil, 11:44 PM**

I probably shouldn't say this right now but

I'm thinking of you

 

Dan still hasn't responded by the time Phil finally falls asleep two hours later.

 

-

 

Phil is dreaming.

He is at his family home, the one he lived in since birth. It's a scary big house, full of his favourite hiding places, places he would never dare visit after sundown. In the dream, he is walking around, searching for someone. He is calling their name, but the more he tries, the more he can't find his way around.

He makes his way to the basement, turning on the light with a degree of trepidation. There is no one there. It's almost as if no matter where Phil goes, there is no one. Just the echoes and shadows of this big old house.

But then, as he is about to exit the basement, he hears a knock on the other side of the basement door.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

He hesitates, staring at the door, but before he makes up his mind, he is slowly being pulled awake.

The thing is, the knocking doesn't stop. Someone is knocking on his actual door.

He grabs his glasses off the nightstand, briefly checking the time when his feet touch the floor.

It's past three in the morning. His neighbors will thank him for the extra amount of noise.

He yawns into the palm of his hand and rushes towards the door, nearly tripping over his own feet.

He looks through the viewfinder, and he doesn't hesitate for a second before flinging the door open. Once he does, he sees him in his entirety, for the first time in... Ten days? It feels like forever, anyway.

Yes, him. Because it's Dan. Standing there, not moving an inch, simply staring at Phil with his eyes strangely glassy, even in the dim light coming from Phil's flat.

 

Suddenly, it's like all the thoughts Phil has had over the last ten days are completely eradicated. The only thing that seems to matter is Dan, standing there before him, his shoulders visibly slumped underneath his black raincoat.

Neither moves for what feels like forever. Phil doesn't even know what to say. Dan's eyes seem to be drilling holes through his most secret thoughts.

Is it really written all over Phil's face?

It feels like an eternity, but it can't be that long before Dan finally speaks.

"I want to talk to you."  

Fear grabs Phil by the throat as he looks Dan in the eye, completely unsure as to what he is about to hear.

He moves aside, wordlessly letting him come in, and shuts the door. Before he turns around, he can already hear Dan making his way to the lounge.

Deep breath followed by a trembling exhale. He can do this.

Up until this moment, he knew what he wanted, but maybe not what he _needed_.

Does he _want_ to pursue a relationship? Sure, but does Dan want to?

Does Phil want to just cut all ties? No way. Does he want to go back to the way things were? Yes and no.

But what does he _really_ need?

A friend. He doesn't want to lose Dan's friendship, he knows that now. It all hits him in the span of a few seconds, just a few words repeatedly echoing in his head.

 _I cannot lose him_.

 

Once he follows Dan into the lounge, he finds him stood by the window, looking outside for a bit before facing Phil. They look at each other for a moment, remaining silent.

Finally, Phil decides to speak first.

"Are you alright?" he asks, thinking back to the time when Dan came over with tears in his eyes.

"I dunno," Dan replies, "but I didn't come here because—I'm not here because of like, an episode."

Phil releases the breath he held while listening to Dan's response.

"Then..." he prompts.

Dan breaks eye contact. He bites on his bottom lip for a few seconds before replying.

"Why didn't you tell me you quit your job?"

"Why didn't _you_ tell me you had Viv fired?" Phil shoots back, immediately forgetting his half-promise to Vince.

Dan looks up with a start, eyes wide, staring at Phil questioningly. He then sighs and shakes his head ever so slightly.

"I knew they would tell you," he says with resignation.

"They meant well," Phil retorts, purposefully not disclosing who exactly told him.

Dan's gaze turns towards the window, and Phil feels the loss of eye contact keenly.

He missed those eyes. He missed _Dan_. And it's stupid, really, but seeing Dan now, his first and strongest urge is to pull him into his arms. To breathe in deep, to inhale his scent, to hold him close and not let go.

But they remain a few feet apart.

 

The silence seems to last for a long time. Phil doesn't answer Dan's question and Dan doesn't answer his. Dan appears to be trembling slightly, his each breath a little shaky and shallow. Phil can feel a constant shiver running down his spine. He doesn't know what to do.

Dan is here, and Phil is afraid. Afraid to say the wrong thing, to fuck up even more than he did when he not only broke the rules, but also told Dan about it.

He waits impatiently for Dan to speak. Once Dan does, Phil is even more speechless than before.

"You have feelings for me." It's a statement, not a question. Dan continues to look out the window for another moment before turning back to Phil. "Right?"

Yes. Yes, he does. But to hear this said out loud, and by Dan of all people, it...

How does it even feel? How does _he_ feel right now?

What is he supposed to say?

It's the look in Dan's eyes that tips him over. The way his deep brown eyes search his for answers. The way he stands there, strangely small, staring at Phil.

Phil has to be brave. Dan already knows. All he is doing is confirming it.

"Yeah."

Dan inhales sharply. "Since when?"

"I don't know," Phil admits. At first he wants to leave it at that, but some stupid impulse tells him to add, "I first realised back when we were visiting my parents."

Dan's mouth falls slightly agape. The shock on his face tells Phil that he had likely not suspected a thing.

"That long?"

Phil should really just shut up, but instead... "Probably longer."

The distance between them only seems to bother Phil more by the minute, but he is too afraid to close it. Dan also stays put.

"And you kept it from me?" Dan's voice drops down to an emotional whisper.

He did, didn't he? He knew, but he kept it from Dan.

It's not easy, but he continues being honest. "I didn't want to lose you."

The sound Dan makes is something close to a gasp, and he takes Phil by surprise, walking over to him. They are now close enough to touch, if they should wish to.

But they keep their hands to themselves.

"You didn't?"

"Of course not."

"But you wanted space."

Phil frowns, looking down at the floor now. He can't handle the way Dan is looking at him with absolutely no reservation. Now Phil is the one to bite on his lip. It hurts, but the pain keeps him grounded. He balls his hands in fists.

"You wanted space too."

He sees Dan move over closer, sees his feet stop a few inches away from Phil's. He feels the warmth radiating off his body.

And yet, they don't touch.

"You still want space?" Dan breathes, his voice breaking somewhere near the end.

Phil finally allows his gaze to meet Dan's, and he is floored by the amount of emotion he is met with.

Of course he doesn't want space. But he remembers his choice, and he remembers the reasons behind it.

"Dan, I want you to be my friend," he says, even though every word almost physically hurts. "We can't—we can't just pretend nothing happened and go back to being friends with benefits—"

"Phil," Dan interrupts. "No. I don't want to go back."

He feels warm tears begin to pool in his eyes. He quickly turns around, not wanting Dan to see it. He'll calm down. He can do this. No matter Dan's choice, he will respect it. And maybe in time, they can build a friendship from scratch.

His thoughts don't race much farther than that, because he feels the warm, familiar touch of Dan's hand on his shoulder. He resists the urge of grabbing his hand in his own.

 

As he thinks of something to say now, he is once again caught by surprise when he hears the sound of Dan's voice, so quiet and unsure.

"You said rule fifteen."

"I did," Phil whispers.

There is a long pause before Dan speaks again.

"Do you want to know why I wanted to add that rule?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for your comments and tumblr asks. You're all the best! How do you feel about this chapter? Let me know, it means a lot! And of course, [tumblr reblogs](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/180002763660/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-26-crossroads) help me out a lot too :)
> 
> Infinite thank you to my amazing beta reader - [insectbah](http://insectbah.tumblr.com)! Your help means the world to me, and this fic would be nothing without you <3
> 
> Ooh and fun news again! There is a third playlist for this fic, made by **dumplingdnp**! The lyrics are super fitting! [Check it out here](https://open.spotify.com/user/fieldofsunflowers/playlist/4cjabv7d7wJgUat2uaILFN?si=Nx7aaOB5RpqEOK1pRAXGlA), thank you so much!


	27. revelation

_"Do you want to know why I wanted to add that rule?"_

Phil turns around, losing the warmth of Dan's hand on his shoulder, but gaining the chance to look him in the eye. Dan's gaze falters when Phil meets it, but he quickly schools himself and does not look away from Phil.

Is Dan nervous? Is he scared? Because Phil is _both_.

"You said it was so that we could end it before it's too late."

The smallest hint of a sarcastic, sad smile appears on Dan's lips. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

"I don't understand," Phil admits with a frown.

"I—this past week, yeah? I've been thinking. I've been thinking _a lot_." Phil waits for Dan to continue. "I know what I _thought_ I meant. Back then I figured like—like if we do mess up, we can just you know, cut it all out and get over it, right? If it's like a small fancy, it can't be that hard. I thought it'd be that easy."

Phil can't even remember the last time he could refer to his feelings for Dan as _small fancy_ , but he nods anyway.

"Yeah."

"But that's not what this is all about."

Their intense eye contact is making Phil suffer in the best and worst way. He can't stand looking at Dan, waiting for him to make his point. He is afraid of what he might say. He expects it might hurt.

A little part of his heart is harboring some hope, though. Still, _always_. Because Dan doesn't look at him the way you would at someone you feel nothing for. But then again, Phil doesn't always understand him; he doesn't understand Dan's meaningful looks or his secret little words, often said in the middle of the night.

"No?" Phil prompts so quietly that it's almost inaudible.

"No." Dan finally looks away. He brings his hand up to his mouth and nervously bites down on his thumb. He still doesn't look at Phil when he says, "I didn't want to lose you. That's why I made that rule."

Confusion washes over Phil. He may be used to Dan not making sense, but this is a bit next level.

"But Dan... Dan, that doesn't—part of the rule is that we lose _each other_? How can that—"

Dan is facing him again now. His lips are still stretched in that caricature of a smile, but there is no joy in it at all. When he speaks, his voice sounds bitter. "You don't get it, do you?"

"No, I _don't_. I don't get it!" Phil raises his voice, not in anger, but in desperation. "I thought this was what you wanted. I thought you'd want me to leave because I broke the rule!"

Dan releases a quick exhale. His expression sobers, suddenly turning serious.

Phil finds that he can hardly breathe.

"Relationships _end_. If we—if I were to..." He pauses, biting his bottom lip as his gaze flits around the room distractedly. He then refocuses back on Phil. "If we were together, and you left me, because inevitably you _would_ one day, it would hurt. It would hurt like fuck. So I thought if ended it sooner, it _wouldn't_ hurt."

The urge to hold Dan is becoming overwhelming for Phil. He can't even find his way around his own emotions. Is he sad? Is he happy? Is he angry? He just doesn't know. All he feels is...   _love_ , blinding and all-consuming, and he struggles to see what else is past it.

"Not all relationships end, Dan," he says softly. He presses his arms to his sides, lest the will to embrace Dan overpowers him.

"They do. They always do. I'm—I'm a mess, Phil. Some days I'm fine. Some days I'm not. Some days I want to be alone. Some days I feel so fucking lonely I could cry. And I do. I _do_ cry." Dan pauses. Phil's breath is caught in his throat. "And it's like, why would you deal with that? Why would you _want_ that? You'll get sick of it one day. Or at least that's what I thought."

"Thought?"

"Yeah, thought. I… I looked at you and it was so—in my head, it was like... it was short term. You know? You'll be here and then you _won't_ be here, and I never thought of the future. I never... I never thought of what it would be like to lose you. I just knew it would happen eventually. Didn't think how it would feel when it does." He runs his fingers through his hair, pausing to think. "And I guess I—I thought that with this rule, I would..."

Dan stops talking and looks down to the floor. Phil still doesn't know where any of this is going.

"Tell me," Phil pleads after the silence lasts for too long.

"I thought I'd be safe, you know. If I knew the alternative. If I knew I had to be careful."

"I don't understand," Phil repeats, feeling stupid by now.

"I didn't want to lose you," Dan reiterates. "And..." he trails off.

"And...?"

Dan snaps his head back up. Phil sees a tear falling down Dan's cheek. His heart clenches with emotion when Dan angrily wipes the tear away.

"And then I lost you. And it sucked."

Phil releases the breath he'd been holding since Dan last spoke, and suddenly, he can't hold back anymore. He closes the distance between them, pulling a surprised Dan into a tight hug.

It feels right. It feels like Phil can finally breathe freely again. It feels all sorts of familiar.

Like _home_. It feels like home.

Phil keeps Dan close. After a moment of stunned silence, he feels Dan relax into the embrace, eventually returning it somewhat shyly. Dan's hands sneak behind Phil's back, loosely hooking around his waist.

And then they breathe, together, not moving at all.

"You never lost me, Dan."

Dan's head is tucked into the crook of Phil's neck. Each of his breaths feels warm on Phil's skin. Phil only has to whisper – they are so close, there is no need to maintain regular volume.

"I did," Dan argues weakly. "That was the point. We were meant to end it when something like this happened. But it was way too late."

It hurts, it still does. Because Phil knows full well that Dan isn't thrilled. That Phil's feelings are the very thing that is spoiling their friendship right now. That this very well might be too hard for them to move past.

But Dan doesn't want to lose him, and Phil doesn't want to lose Dan. That has to count for something.

"I'm sorry. It's my fault."

It's bizarre, apologising for falling in love with someone, but they _did_ have an agreement. He violated it. On some level, he ruined things. He definitely caused Dan distress.

When Dan begins to pull away, it's almost as if he is trying to confirm Phil's thoughts. But Dan only distances himself slightly, enough to look Phil in the eye. His arms remain wrapped around Phil's waist.

"Phil, it's—it's not just you."

Phil blinks twice and then frowns. "Not just me?"

It takes forever, this moment of silent suspense. But the longer Phil stares into Dan's eyes, the more he feels like he'd been a fool.

"I don't want to be your friend," Dan whispers, and before Phil's heart falls down to his knees, he adds, "I don't know if I ever did."

Phil shakes his head. He is tired of all the mixed signals, and he can't keep up with Dan's train of thought.

"Dan, please, just tell me… I don't know, whatever it is you're trying to tell me," Phil practically begs. "I'm tired and confused and I have no idea what you want. Do you want me to leave? Because—"

"No! Phil, look, I—I have feelings for you too, okay? It's _not_ just you."

Phil gasps, momentarily letting go of Dan. He takes one step backwards. It's all on instinct – he just wants to see Dan properly.

Dan's eyes are big and wide and filled with uncertainty. Phil sees him tremble, all the while knowing that he himself is trembling too. Dan remains still, not saying another word, while it all begins to sink in.

Dan has feelings for him too.

It's funny how that is not even the biggest revelation of the night, even though Phil doubted it for so long. No, what truly shocks Phil is the fact that Dan _admitted_ it.

Dan said it. To Phil. While looking him in the eyes.

 

Phil's world stretches and shifts and changes before his eyes, slowly finding its center in Dan. That in itself is not new. Dan has been the sole focus of Phil's attention for months now. But...

But for the first time, Phil has no fear. He feels all the feelings he'd felt for months and allows himself to feel them. For this one minute, he stands there before Dan, utterly exposed, loving him without remorse, regret or fear. He stares at him unabashedly, not even attempting to restrain the wonder and shock that find their way onto his face.

"You do?" Phil finally chokes out.

"I was blind, Phil, I was—I was bloody _stupid_. I was stupid to think I could do this without... without fucking it all up. I think I didn't want to accept it. I just thought that if—I always do that, don't I? Ignore things till they blow up in my face? I thought I'd get over it. I thought I'd manage. I thought—I told myself it's nothing. Fuck, I've been so stupid."

Dan's hands are in fists as he pulls away from Phil, pacing a few steps away. He then brings both of his hands up to his head and wraps them behind his neck.

This time, Phil follows him. He grabs Dan's shoulders and keeps him still, forcing eye contact.

"You're not stupid. You're not."

"I _am_ stupid. I told you this would all end badly."

"How is it bad if we—if we both...?" Phil trails off. He then takes a risk and places one of his hands on Dan's cheek. A series of tiny little shivers run through Phil's body when Dan leans into the touch.

"You're my closest friend. I just—I just want something else too. And why is it _bad_? That's what I'm asking myself, because I—because this week was _bad_ , Phil, and I figured I might as well tell you because I'd already lost you, but—but I never thought past that. I thought you were sick of me already."

"I'm not sick of you. Never."

Tears begin to trail down Dan's cheeks again and now, Phil wipes them away for him, both of his hands on Dan's cheeks.

"But what if you will be?" Dan stammers. He grabs Phil by the wrists, holding his hands in place. "Last week already hurt like fuck. If it goes any further—"

"Dan, no," Phil interjects. "I won't get sick of you."

"You can't be sure of that. It's just statistics, Phil. Statistically speaking, it won't last."

"I'm sure. I'm _so_ sure," Phil says. He doesn't stop the flow of words that seemingly spills from his mouth after that. "So much has changed since I met you. Martyn thinks I'm an idiot, because this—this whole _thing_ with you—it's just not like me, you know? It's not what I would usually do. But you've given me something to look forward to, Dan."

Phil hears Dan inhale sharply. Dan's grip on Phil's wrists tightens to the point where it's slightly painful, but Phil can barely feel it. He is too focused on maintaining eye contact with Dan.

"You did for me too. Even though I didn't want it."

Phil lets go of Dan's face, grabbing his hands instead. Dan's eyes flit downwards briefly before coming back to meet Phil's.

Phil needs to know more. He needs to know where they stand.

"What _do_ you want?" he asks Dan, feeling a hint of anxiety creep back into his thoughts.

"I don't want to lose you," Dan responds quietly.

"I don't want to lose you either."

Dan pulls Phil's right hand upwards, close to his chest. He flips it palm up, tracing a finger along one of the creases.

"What's it gonna take for me to... for me to keep you? In my life?" Dan mumbles, eyes following the movement of his finger on Phil's palm.

Although it pains Phil to say this, he says what needs to be said.

"Dan, I'm not going to force you into anything. I told you I'll be here for you as your friend for as long as you want me."

"I do want you." It's a whisper so quiet that Phil might have missed it if not for how focused on Dan he is right now. Warmth erupts in his chest, filling him with a mixture of hope, fear and affection. "I'm just scared."

"Me too," Phil agrees. "But..."

"But?"

"Not scared enough to not want to try."

"What if it doesn't work out?" Dan asks quietly.

"What if it _does_?" Phil retorts with a small grin.

"No, this isn't some funny thing, you know," Dan says seriously. "If we—if we do this, and it goes wrong, it's going to be so much worse."

In a way, Dan is right. Even though Phil had already felt these things for a while now, he knows that if they allow this to progress, it will hurt so much more if it ends.

But that's exactly it. For Phil, it's an _if_. For Dan, it's a _when_.

"I don't know what to tell you," Phil says earnestly after a short consideration. "No one knows the future. Maybe if—if we try—maybe we'll live together until we're 80? Or until we're 150 and our souls are merged with like, a tv remote? Or you might tell me to get lost tomorrow. I don't know, Dan..."

"That's what I mean."

"I'm not done." Phil looks him in the eyes, desperately hoping to convey how he feels. "The thing for me is... If it happens, if it _ends_ , it's going to hurt. But I like to think that maybe it won't. And if it does, then at least I'll know that I tried. Yeah, I think that's the thing. I think I don't want to regret that we haven't tried."

Dan seems to think over his words. His breaths are quick and shallow, matched by Phil's.

"D'you think..." Dan begins, then pauses, shutting his eyes for a second. "D'you think that if we—if I fuck up—we'll stay friends? You won't just disappear on me, will you?"

"Of course not," Phil assures him heatedly. "I mean, of course I won't disappear. Not that we won't stay friends. We _will_."

Although there are still traces of tears in his eyes, Dan's lips slowly stretch into a smile, that genuine smile Phil had grown to love. They neither move or speak, they just look each other in the eyes. Phil imagines Dan must be as lost in his own thoughts as Phil is.

"No more friends with benefits, then?" Dan asks quietly with a hint of resignation. His smile still doesn't fade.

"Friends," Phil retorts, pausing for a few seconds, " _and_ benefits. And—and more things. If you want. If you feel ready."

Dan's brows shoot up for a few seconds. This time, when he smiles, it's only laced with warmth. Deep down, Phil knows that underneath that smile, there is still a whole lot of uncertainty. It matches his own.

 

Phil doesn't know how much time passes. Thirty seconds? A minute? Two?

He loses himself in the sight of Dan, tracking every little change in his expression, his every move.

Phil made the choice, and now he is falling, hoping sincerely that Dan will be there to catch him. That this wasn't all a dream. That Dan won't change his mind. It almost feels like unbuckling the seatbelt in a car that is driving really fast.

Phil is not foolish – he doesn't assume that Dan trusts him fully yet. Dan doesn't believe Phil when he says he won't get sick of him. But this is a start, and slowly, Phil allows himself to believe.

Something shifts in the way Dan looks at him, his eyes flitting down to Phil's lips. He knows this expression, he's seen it before.

But he hasn't. Not like this. Not like this.

 

They both begin to lean in roughly around the same time. This is familiar too – they've kissed hundreds of times by now.

 _Never like this_ , Phil thinks, even though it hasn't even happened yet.

"More things then," Dan whispers right before their lips meet.

Phil smiles into the kiss for three seconds before returning it fully. His lips move against Dan's in a way they have done so many times before. He knows the way Dan tastes, knows the way he reacts to certain things.

And yet, this is _new_. His stomach flips, and for once, it's in a good way. He takes his time exploring Dan's lips anew, kissing him softly for a moment before taking his bottom lip in between his teeth, gently.

When Dan wraps his arms around him, Phil is filled with a strange sensation. It reminds him of freedom.

He is free now, free of his restraints. Not free of his worries. Not fully. But for the first time, he finds that he may be able to gain that trust. He finds that maybe, _more_ can work out for them.

If they want.

Which, apparently... they both kind of do.

 

-

 

It's around seven in the morning when Dan falls asleep in Phil's arms.

They're still fully clothed.

The strange thing is the way that it feels. Phil is too tired to give it a proper name.

But when he falls asleep too, it's with a small smile lingering on his lips.

 

-

 

When Phil wakes up, Dan is already awake.

Phil blinks tiredly. He can't have slept as long as he would have wanted, but the sun is already almost gone from the sky.

Phil doesn't fully remember, not at first. It all catches up to him when he meets Dan's eyes.

 

The first emotion that hits him is easy to identify. It's _fear_.

What if Dan regrets it?

What if Phil misunderstood?

What if he had just been dreaming? No, that's just Phil being daft. That wasn't a dream.

As he scans Dan's eyes for answers to his unspoken questions, he hopes that his own fear won't rub off on Dan. Fear is the first step to regret, and that's the last thing Phil wants.

Well, it's somewhere up there at least, on the list of _last things that Phil wants_.

Phil holds his breath, waiting to see how Dan will react.

He does not expect the shy smile that blooms on Dan's face, starting with his lips and then finally reaching his eyes.

"Hi," Phil says after a moment spent on simply staring.

"Hi."

Dan seems nervous, but not upset. He is lying next to Phil, resting his head on his own arm, while his other arm is loosely draped across Phil's stomach.

Surely if he hated this, he wouldn't have—

"I didn't just imagine last night, did I?" Phil asks, because he absolutely _has_ to.

Dan snorts, which only makes his smile grow brighter.

"That depends. What d'you think happened, Phil? Because if you think you finally beat me at Mario Kart, then yeah. _That_ was just a dream."

It's a lame attempt at a joke, but Phil's heart might just erupt inside his chest from pure joy. Dan doesn't even need to say anything else.

Phil flips over onto his side and scoots over to Dan, wrapping his arm around Dan's waist. He buries his face somewhere near Dan's collarbone, inhaling deeply, finding pleasure in the way Dan pulls him even closer.

"You don't regret it, then?" Phil whispers, his lips brushing Dan's shirt in the process.

Dan's answer comes a little late and sounds quite careful.

"Do you?"

"You're not _seriously_ asking me that."

"I... I think I am."

Like last night, Phil pulls away to get a better look at Dan.

Phil doesn't want him to be overwhelmed. Phil is not sure what exactly Dan wants from him, now or in the future.

Phil wants Dan to be happy about this. He can't truly feel happy himself before Dan is too.

"I've known what I wanted for months," Phil says, "it's you I'm worried about."

Dan looks away, grinning as he bites on his lip.

"I don't regret it. I'm _scared_ , but I don't regret it."

Something spreads through Phil's body, and he can't quite name that either. _Happy tingles_ is what he settles for in the end.

"Don't be scared. I don't bite," he jokes to lighten the mood. Dan's expression grows mischievous.

"You do _sometimes_ , though."

Phil flushes, hitting Dan in the chest lightly with his fist. This feels more like the Dan he knows. But even so, a part of Phil still doesn't know how to behave.

 

They had being friends kind of sorted. They had being lovers down to a T. But what about... _this_? Whatever this is?

What do they do? How do they act?

Of course, it might help to get out of bed, shower and so on, but Phil finds that he wants his answers _now_.

"What do we do now?" he asks, trying not to show that his thoughts are racing a mile a minute again.

"What do you mean?"

"Well—we said we're not only—you _know_. So what do people do when they're not us and they're... something?" Phil fumbles over words, wishing they would just magically teleport from his mind to Dan's without having to be said out loud.

Phil is happy to note a small hint of a blush on Dan's cheeks. It gives him a feeling of accomplishment. It's always been the other way around, with Dan making Phil a flustered mess.

"I dunno. You're the expert."

Dan is right. Phil remembers trying to convince him, all those months ago, that friendship and sex combined are different than dating.

Are they _dating_? It feels too soon to ask. But they're not friends with benefits anymore. They could—they _should_ —do something different tonight.

Like last night, when they didn't even take off their clothes before going to bed. That was different.

"We could go somewhere?" Phil suggests somewhat timidly. "I assume you're skipping work today."

Dan gives him a half-shrug. "Yeah, fuck work. I'll just say I was ill."

"Responsible," Phil teases, then adds, "Well, we can't go out then."

"We can. Work is miles away. 'sides, I can be sick and—and go places. Whatever."

"Does this mean you actually _want_ to?" Phil asks incredulously, ignoring Dan's job for the time being.

Dan's side-grin does things to Phil that he's felt before, but never fully allowed himself to acknowledge. Dan reaches between them, grabbing Phil's hand in his. He holds it for a moment, seemingly pondering what to say.

"You're asking me out, aren't you." It comes after a full minute of silence, and it is not a question.

"We don't have to," Phil rushes to assure him, because maybe it's too much all at once. Maybe all the months spent pining for Dan make Phil act like they're further along than they really are. The fact is, they haven't even started this properly yet.

Phil just wants to ask Dan a thousand questions to figure this all out, but he knows he needs to take his time.

"We can go," Dan replies in a calm tone, surprising Phil. "Maybe I'll be able to actually talk to you without being idiotic, then."

 

Phil wonders if he had woken up in some sort of alternate dimension, but again, he tries not to let it show. He nods with less enthusiasm than he truly feels, pretending to be somewhat aloof. It lasts like three seconds before he realises how daft it is. He doesn't need to act cool around Dan.

"Right," Phil mutters through his clenched throat. "Then… shower and go out for... dinner?"

Dan glances at the clock on Phil's wall. "Yeah, dinner. It's past four."

Dan slips out of his arms. He sits up in bed with a small groan. Phil watches him, admiring seeing him like this, right before they take yet another leap.

Phil sits up too, grabs his glasses, and watches as Dan gets out of bed, looking at Phil over his shoulder. He smiles earnestly and heads towards the bathroom.

"Dibs on the shower," Dan calls, and his voice is quieter than usual, but it's still tinted with a smile.

There is so much to talk about, still.

But maybe right now, they don't need to keep talking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so nervous about this chapter oh my gosh. Please let me know your thoughts? And as always, [reblogs](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/180143588575/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-27-revelation) are really helpful if you feel like it! Next chapter on Sunday, we're not done here yet :)
> 
> Major thank you to my amazing beta reader [insectbah](http://insectbah.tumblr.com). Seriously, without them this fic would be so much worse, and I would be a total mess!  
> Thank you as well to [i-am-my-opheliac](http://i-am-my-opheliac.tumblr.com) for reading this prior to it being posted and enduring my crises <3


	28. honesty

They end up going to an Italian restaurant close to Phil's flat. It's hardly a high-end place, but it's still far more fancy than the Domino's they usually order. Most tables are free, considering it's five PM on a Tuesday. As they sit down in the far corner of the restaurant, Phil is thankful to find that none of the other tables close to theirs are currently occupied.

Thankful, yeah, but a little part of him also wishes it was crowded, like _really_ crowded.

 

Phil pores over the menu for a little too long, stealing glances at Dan, who sits across from him.

Dan is wearing Phil's shirt combined with the same jeans he had worn the previous night. His hair is a little more naturally fluffy thanks to not using any product, and Phil just wants to reach over and run his fingers through the curls.

But he also wants to _talk_. And he _doesn't_ want to talk. And he wants to—what does he even want?

Why is this weird?

They've gone places together before. They've spent countless hours together too, doing all sorts of things. There aren't many things they _haven't_ done together, to be honest, compared to what Phil used to do in his last relationship. Hell, in some ways they did _more_.

But last night they, or rather Dan, did something totally new.

And now, Phil is slightly scared.

Because what if Dan begins to regret it? What if he changes his mind when Phil does something stupid? What if—

"Should we just split a pizza?" Dan asks him, pulling him out of his state of increasing panic.

Phil looks up immediately. When they make eye contact, Dan offers him a timid smile that is laced with uncertainty.

"Yeah, um, sure. You pick."

"No, you can pick," Dan protests.

"I'm fine with whatever, really." He's not even that hungry. Too nervous, perhaps.

Dan rolls his eyes, but he's still smiling. He leans over the table, glancing at Phil's menu, and turns the page for him.

"This one?" Dan points to one of the pizza options.

"Yeah," Phil agrees without even reading the list of ingredients.

"What are we drinking?"

This time, Phil doesn't hesitate. A little buzz might help him relax. "Wine. Definitely."

This is just Dan. What is Phil's problem? Why is he being so awkward? Then again, Dan is kind of subdued too, which in turn only makes Phil feel more anxious. Because Dan might be regretting this. He _might_ be. He wasn't two hours ago, but he might be _now_. And maybe they're not compatible at all? Maybe Dan is going to hate him? Maybe. Maybe he's being exceptionally stupid, though. It's funny how the tables have turned.

"Definitely? Sounds _intense_." Dan grins at him shyly, which in turn somewhat puts Phil at ease.

"I'm a super intense person," Phil replies, attempting a joke. He is grateful when Dan chuckles quietly. It wasn't even funny.

"I'm the opposite of a super intense person," Dan retorts.

"What else are you, then?"

"What else?"

"You say you're the opposite of intense. What else?" Phil questions him.

Dan snorts. "Are you seriously asking me to describe myself?"

"I mean, yeah?"

Dan's expression speaks of an amused kind of disbelief, and Phil knows why.

"That is such a _first date_ kind of question," Dan finally remarks, which only makes Phil all the more flustered.

Is this a date? If it is, then it is their first. But how do you behave on a first date with someone you'd been sleeping with for months? Someone who is, for all intents and purposes, your best friend?

"Doesn't it fit, then?" Phil asks quietly, deciding to risk it.

Dan's eyes widen as he worries his lip for a few seconds. "Do you want it to?"

 _Yes_ , he thinks.

"Do you?" he answers with a question.

"I thought it was... um, yeah."

Phil's heart stutters when he hears Dan speak those words. Maybe they _are_ on the same page. Roughly, but still.

Before Phil gets to anything, their waiter appears and takes their order. Phil is simultaneously grateful and upset.

 

He tries to think of something to say once they are alone again, but his brain is clouded by his nerves. Dan is playing with his napkin, looking around the restaurant for a bit before at last turning back to Phil with that shy smile.

Phil doesn't want to call the situation _awkward_ , but it is quite weird.

"Have we eaten here before?" Dan asks, breaking the silence.

Phil rubs his chin for a few seconds. "Yeah, like three months ago, remember?"

"Wasn't that just drinks?"

"Oh, yeah. We were—"

"—too lazy to go down to the pub, yeah," Dan fills in.

"Yeah. But I think the food—um, it should be alright here."

"As long as it's quick. I'm fucking starving."

"Me too," Phil lies. Kind of. Because he's still not quite sure if he is hungry. His stomach is clenched with anxiety.

When the silence that follows lasts for over a minute, Dan sighs heavily.

"We're being weird," he states what Phil is also thinking.

Phil exhales. "Yeah."

" _Why_ is this so weird?" Dan unknowingly echoes Phil's thoughts. "Are you—are you regretting things?"

Phil's mouth falls open in a horrified expression.

"No! I'm just..." he trails off.

"Just?"

"Just thinking you might, basically. Regret things, I mean."

"That's a bit soon, isn't it?" Dan teases, but upon seeing Phil's reaction, he hastily adds, "I didn't mean it like that. Shit."

Dan rubs his temples, shaking his head. Phil frowns despite not wanting to.

"I know."

"I just—I told you. I'm scared. But I don't regret it."

Phil's heartbeat quickens once again. His mind floods with all the questions he wants to ask Dan, but so many of them are just too soon.

"Maybe you will, though," Phil mumbles. Dan leans forward to hear him better. "If I say or do something wrong. I mean, this—this is _different_."

Dan ponders his words for a bit before responding.

"It's different, yeah. But—"

They are once again scared by their waiter, arriving with a pizza several sizes too small, as well as a bottle of wine. They thank him and then stare down at their food, somewhat perplexed.

" _This_ is large?" Dan utters at last.

"You can have it," Phil rushes to offer. "I'm not really hungry."

"We're splitting it," Dan decides, then insists, "Go on, eat."

Phil gives in rather quickly, mostly because he doesn't want to argue.

 

They eat in relative silence, remarking on the food, the wine, the prices and the time. The longer this goes on, the more Phil feels out of place.

This isn't them. They always have something to talk about. And now, there are so many things he wants to say, but instead he talks about the way the wine was expensive compared to other places he's been to.

Dan is rather quiet, although he keeps stealing glances at Phil that Phil is more than happy to return.

But that doesn't make things less… less weird.

When Phil remarks on the amount of plants in the restaurant, Dan finally says what Phil is also thinking.

"This is not like us," he says decidedly. The use of _us_ makes Phil feel things, but also, the whole sentence brings back that sense of dread. " _Why_ is it different?"

With a sigh, Phil replies, "I guess because... this is our first... whatever you want to call it? I wanted it to be nice. But I'm just a bit..."

"...overwhelmed?" Dan guesses. Phil nods in resignation. "Yeah, me too. And before you ask: _no_ , I don't regret it. But I just... I want us to be us, you know? I don't want to like, sit here and stress about what to say just because we're—well, we're trying something else."

"Me neither," Phil agrees, his voice quiet.

"So be as you always are?" Dan sounds like he is pleading. "Just be Phil."

For the first time during the course of this dinner, Phil takes a deep breath.

"Will you just be Dan?"

"I'll try."

Phil brightens visibly, and then finally does what he'd been wanting to do.

He reaches over the table, and grabs Dan's free hand in his own.

Dan is caught off-guard. His eyes flit between meeting Phil's and looking down at their hands. Once he does settle on the eye contact, his warm smile puts Phil in grave danger of melting to death.

 

Somewhere between one word and the next, they've already eaten their pizza.

More and more people are coming in as the time approaches the regular peak hours at the restaurant.

Phil just wants to be alone with Dan right now. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe going out somewhere is so far out of their usual element that it only adds to this... this feeling of _newness_.

Dan seems to be thinking of the same thing, because he suggests, "Let's go back to yours?"

Phil doesn't even attempt to hide his relief at the suggestion.

"Yes, please."

 

They leave the restaurant ten minutes later, once again walking side by side.

Phil takes a deep breath. He wonders if it's okay that his indescribable happiness about last night is tainted with this odd thing, with this inability to communicate properly without thinking twice. In many ways, they were able to do that before. But for months now, there were always things left unsaid too.

Maybe what they need is some peace and quiet. Maybe what Phil needs is a moment to process everything.

He allows himself to hope that this will pass. That they will find their way around each other.

In all of his fears, he allows himself to believe that they both _want_ to.

 

-

 

"Coffee?" Dan asks when they step inside, shrugging off his jacket.

"Should we be drinking coffee? You have work tomorrow," Phil reminds him, then mentally scolds himself for being so dull. The next thing he says is said in a joking tone. "Besides, why are _you_ asking me? This is my flat. I should be asking _you_."

"Oh, excuse me, I didn't know you were being all nice and proper now," Dan responds in a similar manner. He kicks off his shoes, then stands before Phil, looking at him expectantly with a smirk on his lips. "So? Ask me?"

Phil rolls his eyes slightly. "I'm not asking you! We woke up at like four in the afternoon! You'll never be able to sleep."

Dan laughs him off, heading towards the kitchen without any invitation. He starts the kettle almost right away.

"You're a useless host, Phil. That's what you are."

"You're a useless _guest_ ," Phil fires back, but it's all in jest. He's grateful for this. It feels more like them.

Dan sets about making them coffee while Phil watches him, half in awe, half terrified.

Why is Phil struggling so much?

Dan opens the correct cupboard, takes their favourite mugs, and soon hands one to Phil. It occurs to Phil that Dan not only knows his way around Phil's kitchen, but also remembers how Phil takes his coffee. Meanwhile, Phil is here, worrying about whether he is allowed to wrap his arms around Dan, to kiss him, to just—to talk to him without this odd, heavy feeling in his chest.

Phil nods at him. "Thanks, Dan."

This time, when their eyes meet, Dan almost looks bashful. He is leaning back against Phil's counter, while Phil stands a few steps away.

"Yeah."

"What do you want to do now?" he asks Dan.

"You got anything in mind?"

"Um, we could—we could watch something. Or play something. Or—or I don't know, what do you feel like? We can do anything you want, or we can just—"

"Is everything alright?" Dan intercepts him, ignoring his suggestions. That didn't last long.

Phil saw it coming since the restaurant.

"What makes you ask?" Phil stalls for time.

"We've talked about this at the restaurant. I thought we were—I thought we'd try to just act like normal," Dan mutters, then looks down at his mug. "Fuck, I'm being daft, aren't I?"

Phil can either continue to struggle and pretend it's all fine, or he can just say it out loud and get it out in the open. On impulse, he does the latter.

"I just don't know how to act now," he admits. "Am I allowed to... I don't know... Can I..."

He sighs in frustration. Dan's eyes meet his, silently prompting him to go on.

"Do we still have rules, Dan?" Phil finally asks. "Where do you—where do you want this to go?"

Dan purses his lips, thinking for a moment.

"I haven't thought that far," Dan echoes what he said the previous night. "I just—I'm rubbish at this stuff, Phil. Do we have to like, give it a name, a label? Already?"

"I just want us to be on the same page. I want to know what _you_ want. I want you to be comfortable with all this," Phil says gently. He is clutching his mug, not drinking the coffee at all. His heart is already racing without it.

"I'm comfortable with you," Dan shoots back. "I want to—I want to spend time with you. I don't want to think, y'know? I just—I want what we had, and... And like we said. More too. It's just scary, isn't it? I mean, I've been single for—for two years, yeah, and I don't know—does this—does this _change_ things? I mean..."

Phil sets down the mug on the kitchen table, then walks over to Dan. Dan's head is tilted downwards, but he does look up when Phil approaches him.

"You mean?" Phil whispers.

"I mean, what's the difference now? We already did all these things. What do you want to do now?"

Phil knows that it's a general question, asking about the future. It's just difficult to respond without somehow scaring Dan off.

Because Phil wants... Phil wants more attempts at dinners like today. He wants holding hands and cuddling on the sofa. He wants all the things they did when they weren't... whatever they are now, but without the feeling of breaking rules.

That's what he wants, isn't it? He wants no rules. He just wants complete freedom with Dan, the freedom to allow this to grow. But it takes two to tango, and he won't be pushing Dan into anything he is not ready for.

"I just want you," Phil responds with far more bravery than he actually has. "If you don't feel ready for something, we're not doing it."

Dan's gaze softens. Now he too sets down his mug, and hesitantly reaches out towards Phil. He laces their fingers, pulling Phil closer.

"I think... I think I want a proper go at this," Dan mutters as if to himself. "Yeah. I want—I want us to give it a shot. I just don't want it to be so, I dunno, _awkward_? Like, I want to—I want to do this and not think about it, right?"

Dan leans in slowly, giving Phil enough time to back off, but obviously, Phil doesn't want that. Their lips meet in a kiss that is soft and chaste, then part before it goes anywhere else. The taste of coffee lingers on Phil's mouth. Their foreheads are still touching, and they stare into each other's eyes.

"Me too," Phil says, his breath ghosting over Dan's lips. He then adds before he gets to stop himself, "I don't want rules."

Dan blinks, inhaling sharply, scaring Phil for a few seconds.

"I want one rule," Dan retorts.

"What rule?" Phil asks somewhat against his own will.

"I want you to be you with me, Phil. That's the rule. If you—if you want something, do it. Just—just... Just stay. Stay with me."

The inside of Phil's chest seemingly bursts into flames in that moment, as he finds himself completely overcome with affection.

He is so in love with Dan. How could he not stay? Dan probably doesn't even realise the extent of Phil's feelings. Over the past few months, Dan had become an integral part of Phil's life. Phil wants him, more than anything, wants _Dan_ , with all his virtues and his flaws.

Dan stares into Phil's eyes, and Phil sees fear in them. He wants, more than anything, for there to be no fear. No fear in him, no fear in Dan. Just this, whatever they _want_ this to be.

"Can... can that rule go both ways?" he says so quietly that it's almost inaudible, finding his throat clenched with emotion.

His heart swells when Dan beams at him, his lips stretching into the widest smile. But the most joy is to be found in his eyes, and Phil almost loses himself in them.

"Yeah."

 

As if freed from his invisible chains, Phil doesn't hesitate when he kisses Dan again, this time with more fervor. Dan's arms wrap around his neck. It's an instinct when Phil takes hold of Dan's legs and pulls him up onto the counter, knocking down two boxes of cereal.

Dan giggles into his mouth, but they only break apart for mere seconds, suddenly finding their rhythm. His hands sneak underneath Phil's shirt, and Phil willingly helps him remove it while also attempting to undress Dan.

This is where they began, all those months ago, and it does feel familiar.

But it also feels completely brand new.

 

-

 

Dan's fingers are tracing lazy patterns across Phil's chest. He lays next to Phil, on the same pillow, so close that his curls are tickling Phil's cheek.

It's nighttime, but Phil doesn't know what time it is exactly. He can't be bothered to move and check. Dan should probably be sleeping though.

Phil has nowhere to go tomorrow, but Dan does.

With a sigh, he chooses to break the silence.

"What time is it?"

Dan groans, propping himself up a little to take a look at the lock.

"Past midnight."

"We should sleep," Phil says. He pulls Dan closer, not wanting him anywhere but right here.

It's been so long since he last held him like this. Well, maybe not that long, but to Phil it felt like forever.

"I can just skip work tomorrow too," Dan suggests.

"You can't go skipping work all the time, not when they actually hired you."

"Sorry, _mum_." Dan's fingers move down from Phil's chest towards his stomach, sending pleasant shivers down Phil's spine. Phil smiles, enjoying the touch.

He tries not to think too much right now. For once, he is doing it for the right reasons. They just need to find their way now – their new way – and Phil's paranoia is not helping.

Of course, he wishes Dan could just stay with him tomorrow, but one of them should keep the job. They can't both just quit on the spot. This train of thought swiftly leads him to what Dan did for him, and that makes him want to know more.

"Why did you get Viv fired?"

Dan sighs heavily. Phil tilts his head towards him, meeting his gaze in the surrounding darkness.

"I really wish they wouldn't have told you." He pauses. "It was Vince, wasn't it?"

"My lips are _sealed_ ," Phil retorts with a grin that Dan reluctantly returns.

"Should I unseal them for you?"

Phil laughs softly while Dan pulls himself up so that they are on the same level. He then kisses Phil, again and again, and it's all too easy to lose himself in it.

He missed this. He missed Dan. Missed the taste of him and missed his mere presence.

Over the past few hours, they have both found a resemblance of peace, and he doesn't want to ruin it.

But he's curious.

"Tell me," he whines between one kiss and the next.

"You're so annoying," Dan complains, which only makes Phil's smile grow even wider. "What sort of a question is that, anyway? I got her fired because she's a bitch."

"Why did you ask them not to tell me, then?" Phil presses.

Dan mulls his words over for a moment before answering. "I didn't think you wanted to talk to me, really. And..."

"And...?"

Dan tilts his head downwards.

"I dunno, I kinda thought _you_ would have told me that you quit. But you didn't tell me, and you needed space, so… I figured that _needing space_ means you shouldn't even like, hear _about_ me. I was..."

Phil frowns. Dan didn't finish the sentence, but the meaning is easy to understand. "Upset?"

"I was upset with myself, yeah. For being a fucking idiot."

"You're not an idiot," Phil says softly. He lays a tender kiss on Dan's forehead.

"I think you're a bit biased on that subject, Phil."

"So are you."

"Less than you."

Phil brings his hand down to Dan's chin, forcing him to look him in the eye.

"You're not an idiot, Dan. Believe me."

There is a glimmer of emotion in Dan's eyes now, and Phil doesn't want that. He doesn't want him to feel sad. Instead of questioning him further, he simply says, "Thank you for what you did."

Dan shrugs slightly.

"I knew you wouldn't have done it. You're too bloody nice, Phil. That's what I've been telling you." Before Phil gets to disagree, Dan asks him, "Why'd you quit on the spot?"

There are about a thousand reasons why. Phil chooses the one that matters to him the most.

"I needed change. I needed to—I don't know, I guess to take control of my life. I was... I was..." He doesn't finish that. He won't tell Dan how miserable he was without him, because he knows that Dan would start blaming himself a lot. "I was tired of it. And I didn't want her to have the satisfaction of sacking me. I think she would've done it soon."

Dan smiles in a way that Phil can only classify as _proud_.

"Phil Lester, standing up for himself! Well done. You should've told her to go fuck herself too."

Heat rises in Phil's cheeks due to what he feels is undeserved praise.

"I just wanted to leave really. She can go fly a kite."

Dan chuckles at Phil's choice of words. "Fly a kite? You're cute."

The words seemingly fill him with butterflies. He says nothing in reply, resorting to just staring at Dan with a content feeling in his heart.

"What are you going to do now?" Dan asks him after a moment of silence.

It's the last thing Phil wants to think about right now, but he tries not to let it show.

"I guess I need a new job. I've got savings, but you know. Mortgage."

Dan's expression falls slightly. "You don't exactly sound thrilled."

Phil sighs heavily, allowing his facade to drop.

"I just think that most companies are going to be similar. I don't want to end up with another Viv."

"Can't you do something else?"

"Like what?"

"Has to be something," Dan muses.

Phil thinks back to his uni days. He liked doing a lot of things, but this job killed all of them for him. Up until Dan, there wasn't much he truly enjoyed.

He doesn't want to think about this right now. He finds happiness in the comforting weight of Dan's body half-laid on top of his. He finds peace in the way they are wrapped up in each other. He finds hope in the fact that less than twenty-four hours ago, he was a miserable mess and now he's here, with Dan.

He wants to hold on to this moment as one of the first of many. He hopes so at least.

"Don't really wanna think about it right now," Phil whispers. "Is that okay?"

Dan pulls himself up, reaching Phil's lips for a quick kiss. "Totally okay."

 

 -

 

The next morning, Phil wakes up to the sound of Dan's alarm. During the night, they shifted so that now Dan is in Phil's arms, spooned against him.

"Ugh." Dan groans, snoozing the alarm. "Sorry."

"Don't be," Phil says sleepily. He is still half asleep when he lightly kisses Dan's neck, tightening his grip on him. In his tired state, he doesn't overthink things nearly as much.

Dan makes a contented sound, snuggling further into Phil's embrace. Phil doesn't know how he finds the willpower to slowly begin untangling himself from Dan.

"Stay," Dan whines. Phil's heart swiftly fills with a feeling of warmth.

"I'm not letting you lose your job for my sake."

Phil pulls away, flops over on his back and blindly reaches for his glasses. When he puts them on, he tilts his head towards Dan, who has now turned to lay on his back, facing Phil.

They've woken up together so many times before. And yet, this is new. Phil overpowers his fear and gazes into Dan's eyes without holding back.

It's still not quite _alright_ , but it's better than yesterday. Today the happiness is greater than the fear, and that's good. That's progress.

"Good morning," he says to Dan, slowly starting to smile.

"Morning," Dan replies with a smile to match Phil's.

"Go shower, I'll start the kettle."

"Thanks." Dan begins to sit up, then remembers, "I'll need to borrow another shirt."

 

Thirty minutes later, Dan is standing in the doorway, about to go to work. This time Phil won't come with.

This is probably the first and last time he will regret not having to go back to that place. He just doesn't want Dan to go.

"When will I see you again?" he asks, hoping it doesn't come off as pushy or clingy or—

"Can I come over after work?"

He flashes Dan a full on grin, unable to control himself. Well, he is controlling himself _a little_. His initial reaction was to just kiss him right away. He held back on that.

"Of course."

They stare at each other. Dan's expression likely mirrors Phil's – there is a subdued kind of joy in his eyes, something still laced with uncertainty but undoubtedly _happy_.

"Cool." Dan walks back towards Phil and lays a gentle kiss on his cheek. "See you later."

"Bye, Dan."

 

He does start to miss Dan the moment Dan steps out the door.

But it's still different.

 

-

 

Martyn rings Phil somewhere around noon. Phil answers the phone, unsure of what to tell his brother.

It's too soon to admit to it, but he can't pretend to be as miserable as he was two days ago. He'll just try to play it cool.

"Hey Mar."

"How you feeling?" Martyn asks him. In the background, he hears “ _Let It Go”_ playing on the telly. "Sorry if you can hear that. They're obsessed with _Frozen_."

"I'm alright," Phil responds. "It's a good song!"

"It _was_ decent before I heard it like fifty times just this week." Martyn pauses, sighing heavily. "Anyway, you're _alright_?"

"I mean, yeah. Still no job, still sat home." Just two days ago, he would have had to say _still no Dan_.

"You sound rather cheerful though. Much better than the last time I rang you."

"I got some sleep?" Phil dodges.

"Have you spoken to Dan?" Martyn guesses, ignoring Phil's excuse.

Phil doesn't often lie to his brother. He'll just try not to say too much. "Um, yeah."

"And you haven't told me? Come on man! How'd it go?"

 _Perfect_ is his first thought, but it's way too much. _Unexpectedly_ seems to fit better.

"It went alright."

"It went _alright,_ did it? You're hiding something. Spill."

"There's nothing to spill."

"It's like we're not even related. How do you never tell me all the fun things? Come on, Phil."

Phil sighs. He's not going to go around telling his brother when he's not sure if Dan is okay with it. "It's—it's better, okay? But it's too soon to say."

Martyn gasps theatrically into the phone while Phil rolls his eyes. Phil can't help smiling, though.

"Sounds _juicy_. Bring him over for Sunday roast. It's an order."

"But—"

"No buts! Do it or I'm having Cornelia ring you instead!"

Phil never knows how to say _no_ to his sister in law. It's a lost cause.

"I'll try."

"Try _hard_."

 

-

 

By the time Dan is on his way back to Phil's, Phil is a bit of an anxious mess again.

What will Dan do? What will he say? Will he want to stay over? Maybe the time spent apart from Phil will make him begin to regret things?

Phil's cleaned the place today, and he even went through the trouble of cooking dinner. For once they won't have to order Domino's. If Dan comes over, that is.

Dan did text him to say that he is on his way, but a part of Phil is still stuck in the land of a few days ago, when they weren't speaking and nothing was right.

Could he really be so lucky?

 

Dan is running late and Phil is fully convinced Dan must be regretting everything and won't come over, but then, he hears the doorbell ring. He nearly falls over, running towards the door, opening it wide.

It's Dan, with a backpack that he hadn't had just this morning. Phil frowns as he stares at it, then back up at Dan.

"I brought some clothes over," Dan explains bashfully. "Figured I'd—I'd stay the night, if you—if you're fine with that?"

Funny how out of all the things they said, this is the one that makes him chuckle in joyful disbelief. He beams at Dan without shame, taking his face in his hands and placing an urgent kiss on his lips. When Phil lets go, Dan is laughing softly too, looking him in the eyes as if he understood.

Perhaps he does.

Phil moves aside, ushering Dan in and shutting the door as he says, "I'm _so_ fine with that."

 

And he _is_. He really is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your feedback on the last chapter, you really did soothe my worries <3 I'm behind on answering your comments, so I will get to it tonight!  
> Let me know if you enjoyed this, you really make my day! And if you find it worthy, [reblogs](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/180247583815/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-28-honesty) help a lot :)
> 
> As always, thank you to my super amazing beta reader [insectbah](http://insectbah.tumblr.com)! You are absolutely irreplaceable! <3


	29. trust

_Three weeks later_

"Alright then Philip, we'll be in touch sometime next week!"

Phil smiles at the bubbly blonde girl that has finally stopped torturing him and shakes her hand with forced confidence.

"I'm looking forward to it!" he manages to say.

She walks him through this maze of an office building. He can't help but notice that it's very similar to his previous job. Lots of desks, lots of people, lots of noise. He keeps his eyes down.

At the lifts, they say their goodbyes.

"Have an absolutely lovely day!" she chirps, shaking his hand again and taking a step back when the lift arrives.

"You too! Thank you!" he replies.

He only breathes once the lift closes and he is finally left alone.

 

Interviews _suck_. He'd almost forgotten just how much they suck, though.

This one was his third and it was easily the worst of them all. This tiny, cheerful girl managed to grill him for over an hour and make him question everything he thought he knew how to do, all the while maintaining a perfect smile on her face. Those are the kind of skills you need in this type of job, or rather, this type of work environment. Coincidentally, those are also the skills that Phil decidedly lacks.

The office itself was nice. And the recruiter, she was nice too. But none of the people he saw smiled at him, even though they all stared as he followed the girl to the meeting room.

He pulls out his phone to check the time. It's after 2 PM and he has four texts from Dan.

He doesn't even realise he is smiling until he catches a glimpse of himself in the shop window he stopped next to.

 

**Dan, 12:49 PM**

fingers crossed i guess?

remember you don't have to work there

if you hate it just tell them to fuck off

 

**Dan, 2:01 PM**

surely they let you out already? what is this slavery

 

He types out the first response that comes to mind.

 

**Phil, 2:23 PM**

I need some chocolate

 

**Dan, 2:24 PM**

that bad?

 

**Phil, 2:24 PM**

I mean

She was nice

She was just scary

 

**Dan, 2:25 PM**

they're all scary the lot of them

hey

aren't you close

 

**Phil, 2:25 PM**

Close?

 

**Dan, 2:25 PM**

like nearby

let's pop out for lunch

i cba sitting here anymore

 

Phil's eyes widen. He is still not quite used to Dan actually asking him to spend time together, even though it also used to happen before... before _this_. Before is before they changed everything. That's the only name they have for all this right now.

It's a nice feeling. It makes him feel wanted.

But... It makes him feel vulnerable, and even though initially he wants to keep it cool, in the end he texts what he is thinking of instead of just _alright_.

 

**Phil, 2:27 PM**

What if I run into someone?

I don't want to see anyone from work

 

**Dan, 2:27 PM**

then you can tell them to suck it

 

**Phil, 2:27 PM**

Wow Dan

great plan

 

**Dan, 2:27 PM**

coffee shop round the corner in 15?

 

**Phil, 2:27 PM**

Just make sure nobody follows you

 

-

 

Phil is already waiting at one of the tables when Dan rushes in around ten minutes late.

The smile that blooms on Phil's face is completely involuntary, same as it was earlier when he was reading Dan's texts.

It's only been a few hours since they last saw each other, but it already felt like a long time - in a stupid, childish way that Phil would not admit to.

Dan, of course, looks quite impeccable in his black button up, his hair tousled by the wind. Phil himself doesn't look bad today either. Suit jacket and a dress shirt, picked out by Dan. And for once, Phil's not wearing sneakers.

"Sorry, I had to escape Lydia," Dan explains, sitting down. "She wanted me to do some boring crap and she kept on waffling about it."

"What did she want?" Phil asks, still smiling. At least Dan's boss is nowhere near as bad as Viv was.

"What does it matter?" Dan shrugs, then finally returns Phil's grin in full. "So? How'd it go?"

Phil sighs and looks into Dan's eyes, hoping to convey it without words. Dan waits him out, so Phil ends up speaking after all.

"It was like she doubted everything I said," Phil admits. "You know when people treat you like an idiot while still being like, awfully polite?"

"Ugh, I _hate_ that."

"Yeah, I'm not a fan of it." Phil sighs, then gets up with a small groan. "What do you want?"

"Um, the usual for a drink. And just get me a sandwich."

Phil likes the way Dan says it. Even though they both had a _the usual_ even prior to all this, it's still nice to just hear that with no further explanation. He nods at Dan and goes to order, then comes back a few minutes later with their drinks and food.

 

They sit and talk for awhile, ten minutes, maybe twenty. Phil doesn't mention the interview and focuses on asking Dan all sorts of questions. His heart is not really in it, though. His mind is drifting back to how well he performed and whether he will stand a chance of getting hired.

Does he even _want_ to be?

When they both fall silent for a moment, Phil barely notices. It only hits him when he feels Dan's hand cover his.

It's more than they usually do in public, really. It makes Phil's heart skip a single beat.

Just a bit over a month ago, this was forbidden, at least in theory. They had rules to follow, and while they did a piss poor job at actually following them, on paper they weren't supposed to touch just for the sake of it.

He's still getting used to the freedom.

"You okay?" Dan asks him softly. His thumb is rubbing the back of Phil's hand in a comforting gesture.

Phil sighs, as always torn between pretending and being honest. It's always easier to avoid saying things like this. It's easier to sweep them under the rug. But for a while now, he'd been trying to be honest not only with himself, but also with Dan.

"I didn't like it there," he says, only just now fully admitting it to himself. "I didn't like the other two places either."

Phil meets Dan's gaze with a degree of hesitation, but he finds no contempt in Dan's eyes. He doesn't seem surprised; he just nods at Phil slightly.

"I thought so."

"It's too much like—" he bites his tongue, realising that he should not be saying stuff like that. Dan still works there.

"—like your old job, yeah, I know."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

"Phil, I'm the last person you need to lie to," Dan says with a sarcastic grin, letting go of Phil's hand to take a sip of his caramel macchiato. "I hate that place too."

"Yeah, but you still work there."

The grin on Dan's face fades as his expression falls. "Yeah."

Phil frowns. He didn't exactly want to start this conversation, but now they are already in the middle of it.

"Are you thinking of..." Phil pauses, weighing his words. "...finding something else?"

"When?" Dan asks simply, looking down at his coffee as he stirs it needlessly. "I've spent like every evening with you recently."

Phil sees a bit of a blush creeping up on Dan's cheeks, and he feels his own face heat up too. He takes a few seconds to come up with an answer that won't be awkward, but of course, in the end what he says is unplanned.

"Is that a bad thing?"

"Yes, Phil. I spend all my time with you because I hate it so much," Dan deadpans. He purses his lips to resist smiling, but once Phil bursts into laughter, Dan is quick to follow.

"Never know with you." They simply smile at each other for a little too long, then both look away almost simultaneously. "We could apply to some places? I mean, to different places, but—we could like, take an hour for it or something."

"Sounds awfully responsible."

"Well, I have a mortgage to pay. Need a job," Phil says sadly. He's doing okay so far, but sooner rather than later he'll need to get something. And Christmas is coming too. That means money spent on presents.

"Being an adult is shit, isn't it?" Dan comments, then changes the subject before Phil gets to agree with him. "Why don't you try doing something else?"

"Like what?"

Dan's eyes flit towards the ceiling as he thinks for a moment. "Like, I dunno. Something that doesn't make you want to gouge your eyes out."

Phil frowns. He'd just started eating and the imagery was unnecessary. He glares at Dan, maintains it for all of three seconds, then sighs.

"Thing is, I like the job. I just—I don't like these big companies. Too many people. It's stressful."

"Can't you make your own, then?" Dan suggests.

For a second, the prospect is thrilling. Being his own boss, doing everything the way he wants to. Maybe going back to all the projects he started back at uni and trying to branch out. Making his own way.

But then, reality kicks in.

"And eat what? The grass outside my flat?" Phil retorts in a resigned tone. "I'll be lucky if any of these companies hire me so I can just live like everybody else does. And pay off my flat."

Dan studies him with furrowed eyebrows. He lets out a long exhale.

"I should pretty much be paying you rent, to be honest, for the amount of time I spend over there."

This suggestion is thrilling, but not for monetary reasons. It's something he considered bringing up as a joke before, but he knows it's much too soon. The fact is, he and Dan have spent maybe one or two nights apart since... since _this_. They still don't have a name for it.

It really is too soon to say anything that is not a joke, though.

"I know a few ways," Phil chides, braver than usual. He finds joy in seeing Dan smile. It's a sight that never fails to make his day brighter.

"Cheeky git." Absentmindedly, Dan checks the time on his phone and adds, "Crap! We've been sat here for over an hour! I gotta go unless I want to get murdered."

Phil knew it was coming, but he still doesn't want to be alone. Maybe he'll pop in on Martyn and Cornelia.

"Right, yeah, let's go."

They both stand up and clean their trash off the table, then head outside.

 

When it's time for them to part, Dan leans in and gives Phil a quick, gentle peck on the cheek.

"See you tonight?" Dan whispers, still closer to Phil than might be deemed appropriate.

"Please."

 

-

_One week later_

It's a Friday afternoon, Phil still wasn't called back from that place with the scary girl, and Dan just texted Phil to say that he got off work early. Unheard of in Phil's old department, but Dan is not like Phil – once his boss leaves, Dan leaves too without even asking if he's allowed. Phil had given up on lecturing him for it. It seems that they value Dan enough not to remark on things like that, and Dan doesn't seem to care either.

As Phil starts preparing some dinner, he thinks how nice it is that they don't even make plans anymore, it's just a given that they will hang out and likely sleep over. They still see each other almost every day. Dan's things are starting to litter Phil's place, and Phil cherishes the fact. He likes finding Dan's shirts mixed up with his own in the wash and seeing his toothbrush by the bathroom sink.

This – his whole thing with Dan - is all still so new, but it's also not. Even a few months ago, Dan already had a shirt or two at his place, and the toothbrush is hardly anything new.

But slowly, Phil allows himself to hope that those things are here to stay, and he has an easier time fighting his own thoughts when they tell him that Dan won't come over, that he will just ditch him for some reason. Phil begins to recognise that it's mostly his own insecurities speaking, because for the past month, Dan hadn't failed Phil once.

 

 _It was really awkward at first_ , Phil thinks as he stirs the spaghetti sauce, which is coincidentally the only thing he knows how to make with a good success rate. Yeah, it _was_ awkward. Phil didn't know how much he was now allowed to say or do, and Dan seemed to have the same problem.

It kinda lingers, that awkwardness. Phil still often finds himself at a loss for words, or fumbling over them like a confused teenager.  But gradually, things are changing for the better.

Phil doesn't hesitate near as much when he pulls Dan close while they're watching the telly. He doesn't stop himself from suddenly kissing Dan's lips in the middle of a sentence, just because Dan was being extra cute. He even allows himself to refer to Dan as _cute_ , and not just in his own mind.

And Dan? Dan spends the nights in Phil's arms, and when they wake up, they're still all tangled up in each other. It's Dan that insists they go to bed early because he wants a cuddle, and it's Dan that sometimes wakes up first, but still stays in bed, sleepily waiting for Phil to open his eyes. It's Dan that says _we_ instead of _I_ and it's Dan that makes plans for them for two weeks in advance.

It's different. It's the good kind of different.

 

Dan rings the doorbell just as Phil is starting to boil water for the pasta.

"Hi," Phil says when he swings the door open. Phil is smiling before he even sees Dan, and Dan is smiling right back.

"Hello," Dan says softly. They stare at each other for a moment. Phil fully expects a kiss, and he is not disappointed. Once they part, Dan announces, "I brought you some groceries."

Phil shoots him a perplexed look. "Why?"

"Because I've been eating all your food." Dan looks at him as though he is daft, then starts heading to the kitchen. "Enjoy the free stuff."

"Dan! I'm paying you back!"

Dan whistles a little tune, ignoring Phil's protests as he begins putting things away.

"Nuh-uh."

"Yuh-uh."

Dan rolls his eyes. "Nope."

"Yope."

"You're a complete dork."

"I don't know about _complete_ ," Phil retorts," I'd say like, seventy percent."

"Trust me. I'm almost an expert when it comes to you and your dorky ways."

For some reason, this makes Phil's heart swell with affection. Phil knows full well what Dan means to him, but it's nice to catch a glimpse of what he might mean to Dan too.

Once Dan turns away from the kitchen counter, Phil is already right there, looking him in the eyes with far more feeling than he originally intended.

Dan appears a little taken aback at first, clearly studying Phil for a few seconds. Phil just beams at him, his entire countenance lit up like the morning sky. Dan returns the smile, complete with the dimples that Phil finds so endearing.

"Can I kiss you?" Phil asks him, a hint of laughter in his voice.

Dan snorts in reply. "Why are you even asking me?"

"I dunno. It still feels weird to, you know, just up and kiss you."

"It's not like we didn’t do it... _before_."

"Well, yeah," Phil says, more serious now. "But you know, I was never sure."

"Sure of what?"

"If you won't like..." _Push me away_. "Murder me or something."

Dan flashes him a side grin. His fingers find their way to Phil's cheek, fingertips digging into his hair.

"Oh." Dan's voice is low and soft, bringing Phil's mind to more pleasant places. "Is that what you thought I was planning? Actual murder?"

"I mean, knowing you, I wouldn't rule it out," Phil replies without missing a beat, mentally applauding himself for appearing more confident than he really is.

Their banter still isn't the same as before. He still holds back a little bit.

But it's still better than one month ago, when they first made things clear with each other.

Dan brings his other hand up to Phil's cheek, then slides it so that he can press his thumb to Phil's lips. They are looking each other in the eyes, and Phil quickly sees the moment shift from playful to something else. He kisses Dan's thumb gently, maintaining eye contact.

 

Phil has just enough time to notice the change in Dan before Dan lets go of him, making a growling kind of noise and pretending to claw at him. Phil shrieks, jumping backwards, which only seems to make Dan even happier with himself.

"Dan! You're horrible!" Phil shouts. He hits Dan in the arm while Dan sticks his tongue out at him and tries to hit him back.

They're mature, completely mature. Proper adults.

Phil's heart grows to three times its size. He tries to reach behind Dan to grab a wooden spoon to defend himself with, when he notices the smell.

"Oh my god! The pasta sauce!" he cries, pushing past Dan, who turns around and surveys the situation.

"Nice," is all Dan says. He quickly turns off the stove while Phil is still panicking. The sauce is completely burnt. "Domino's?"

"We said we'd eat more homemade food."

Phil pouts and it has the desired effect. Dan raises his eyebrows, his mouth slightly ajar, and says nothing for a long moment, shaking his head. He kisses Phil without further ado, just like that, until they're both giggling into the kiss.

"Domino's is almost homemade," Dan whispers close to Phil's mouth. "I mean, someone makes it. Just not _you_."

"Just today."

"Yeah, just today."

It's not just today and they both know it, but at least Phil tried.

 

-

_Three hours later_

 

They're both on the sofa. Phil's got his back against the armrest, and Dan is sitting between his legs, his head somewhere near Phil's chest. One of Phil's arms is wrapped around Dan, and Dan holds it in place.

Netflix is playing in the background. Neither pay it any attention.

"Should we move to bed?" Phil asks as he lazily plays with Dan's curls.

"Nah. Too comfy," Dan dismisses, snuggling in further.

"Comfier in bed," Phil retorts. Dan can't see him smile, but Phil knows it can be heard in his voice.

"Ugh. You have a point." But Dan doesn't move, and neither does Phil.

His thoughts drift to a few months ago, when their every touch had to have a purpose. It's nice to simply hold Dan for no reason other than wanting to feel him close.

"You're warm," Phil whispers. It makes Dan chuckle.

"Thanks, I guess? Means I'm only dead _inside_."

It's a joke, but Phil frowns at it. He wraps his other arm around Dan too. The crease between his eyebrows eases a bit when Dan grabs Phil's hand and kisses it softly.

"Do you really feel that way, though? I mean, I know you're joking." Phil pauses. He'd like to look Dan in the eyes, but he doesn't want to make a big deal and shift their position. "But do you?"

He feels Dan sigh against his chest.

"Sometimes." Then in a barely audible voice, Dan adds, "Not lately."

"I'm glad."

They remain quiet for about a minute.

"I used to think you keep me distracted," Dan mumbles when Phil had already thought the conversation was over. "But I'm starting to think you just... I dunno, keep me sane."

Fuck. Wait. Are those tears he feels prickling in his eyes? Phil shuts them forcefully and swallows thickly. His grip on Dan only tightens.

So much he wants to say, but it's way too soon.

"I can't really call myself _sane_ ," Phil jokes to relieve some of the tension. "But you keep me going too."

Dan chuckles, and there is so much warmth in the sound. When he speaks, he sounds a little bit nervous.

"Who'd have thought this would happen when we first fucked in that office closet."

Phil laughs in disbelief. Trust Dan to ruin something that would otherwise count as a romantic moment.

"Please stop saying _fucked_."

"Why? Got _you_ to say it," Dan shoots back, and Phil can just imagine the cheeky grin on his face.

Phil lets go of Dan now, pushing him forwards. "We're moving to bed now."

Dan groans but obeys, standing up and stretching, the hem of his shirt riding up and revealing a tantalizing bit of skin. Once he's done stretching, he looks down at Phil, who is still sat there, feeling slightly dizzy.

"Go on then, move." When Dan smiles, Phil's breath is caught in his throat. "I wanna cuddle."

That is all the incentive Phil might ever need. He nearly flies out of the sofa, standing in front of Dan now. He kisses Dan quickly, without hesitation, both his hands on Dan's cheeks.

 

Phil's mind is filled with words, words he wants to tell Dan, but he doesn't yet.

But when he looks Dan in the eyes, he thinks Dan may have an idea of what Phil will want to say one day.

 

-

_Sunday_

 

"I don't know if I can do this, Phil."

Phil studies Dan, trying to think of something to say that he hadn't already said before. He fails.

"We don't have to really, I mean it. Let's just not go."

"But you already postponed it. Like four times," Dan argues, a hint of uncertainty in his voice.

"Dan, you don't have to go at all. It's just my brother inviting us to Sunday roast. It's not the end of the world if you miss it, I promise."

"Why does he want _me_ to come over?" Dan asks for the hundredth time.

"I told you. He's just being a hopeless gossip. Proper old lady."

Dan fidgets nervously, biting the corner of his lip.

"How much does he know?"

"He knew about our, um, thing. From before. I haven't—I haven't told him it's..." It's what? Phil finds himself wanting to name it more and more often. "It's different. I try not to tell him, at least. He's really annoying."

It's true. Whenever Phil calls Martyn, or Martyn calls Phil, or Phil comes over, there is only one subject of interest – Dan. And Phil hates how wary of Dan Martyn still is, but Phil hadn't given him reason to stop being wary. For Dan's sake, he hadn't really disclosed how much things changed. He just admitted to them being friends again.

Which they _are_ , but also—

"Okay, look, we'll go. I'll go. I don't know why I'm making a big deal out of this." Dan breaks eye contact, looking to the side. "I've met them before. They're both really cool. And your nieces are sweet."

Phil puts his fingers underneath Dan's chin and forces him to look him in the eyes again.

"Yeah," he agrees. "So what's wrong now? We don't have to tell them anything, you know. We don't have to—we don't have to change anything."

"But it's different now, isn't it?" Dan blurts out, voice breaking when he says the word _different_. "We know it's different."

Dan's eyes seem to be searching his for answers, and Phil struggles to find the right ones.

"We know, and they don't. They just want to see my friend. The same friend they've met several times and spent a weekend with."

That's another thing Phil wants: to go back to his parents again, with Dan. But that's yet another thing on his shelf of unrealistic dreams, his shelf of things that are way too far ahead for now.

"I don't think that's what your _brother_ wants, Phil," Dan chides, even though it comes out rather weak. "He seems to be looking for the more juicy details."

Phil laughs, but of course, Dan is right. Martyn is a lost cause.

"He's not getting any here! We're keeping the juice for ourselves." Phil frowns. "That sounded a lot better in my head."

Dan rolls his eyes with a fond smile. Phil always finds himself feeling stupidly proud when he is the cause behind one of those smiles.

Phil quickly falls serious. He puts both of his hands on Dan's shoulders. "Look, Dan, if you feel like—like I don't know, like it's too soon—we don't have to go. I don't want you to hate it. And hate me."

"But you'd like it, wouldn't you?" Dan replies in a similar tone. "I mean, my own brother barely talks to me, but you're close with yours and you're... avoiding stuff for my sake."

"Your brother barely talks to you?" Phil echoes with concern.

"He talks to me _sometimes_. Like on my birthday and so on. He's busy at uni."

Not for the first time, Phil notes how different their families seem to be. While Dan's met a lot of his family, Phil had never even thought of meeting his.

Again, too soon. Maybe even not necessary at any point.

"Oh."

"Anyway." Dan clears his throat. "I'm gonna shut the fuck up and get dressed."

"Dan, you don't—"

"I want to," Dan interrupts him. "Okay? We can go, it's fine."

"Are you sure?"

Phil knows it's a half-lie when Dan says, "Yup. Super sure."

 

-

 

"Phil! Dan! Come on in!" Cornelia exclaims warmly, ushering them inside.

"Corny, you look great!" Phil compliments her, giving her a kiss on the cheek while Dan stands back timidly.

Cornelia beams at Phil, then shoos him in order to give Dan a hug. She then orders Dan to take off his coat, thanks him profusely for the pie, and starts asking him how he's doing. Dan stares at her in mute wonder for a few seconds before responding.

Phil loves her, truly. He couldn't have wished for a better sister.

Phil shrugs off his jacket, hangs it next to Dan's, and then hears Martyn.

"There you _both_ are!" Martyn practically shouts, bounding down the stairs. "I was starting to think Phil must have been daydreaming when he said you still exist, Dan. He won't shut up about you either. I was starting to worry."

Phil could definitely have wished for a better brother.

"Um, hi Martyn." Dan shakes his hand with an uncertain expression.

"Yes, _hi Martyn_. You know, as in the _normal_ way to greet people?" Phil chastises, but he still gives his brother a quick hug.

"Who says you're allowed to school me, child? Anyway, get in. The girls are watching _Frozen_ again."

"Didn't you say they got bored of it?" Phil asks, following Martyn and Cornelia, with Dan by his side.

"For like a week," Cornelia responds in place of Martyn.

When they see the girls, Phil marvels at how much they have grown. Meanwhile Dan, who is clearly better with children than Phil is, has already sat down on the carpet next to them, cross-legged. Phil sits down too, next to Dan, but still within reach of the girls. His eyes remain glued to Dan's happy, animated expression.

" _Frozen_ , huh? You two need to get on with the times! Watch some _Moana_. That was brilliant. I quite liked _Tangled_ too, though." He turns his head upwards, looking at Cornelia, and asks her, "Have they seen that?"

"About half a million times, yeah," Cornelia responds with a smile, which she then directs at Phil. He looks down quickly, knowing he'd been caught staring at Dan.

"Aren't you two cozy," Martyn remarks, to which Phil rolls his eyes. He begged his brother to be nice, but apparently, their ideas of _nice_ are vastly different.

"Aren't you about to get smacked," Cornelia says in the same tone, then tells him, "Go set the table, you mean person."

"Oh, _you mean person_ ," Martyn mocks her with a grin. He kisses her forehead and does as he's told, muttering something about _not arguing with the missus_.

After a grateful glance in Cornelia's direction, Phil's eyes immediately flit back towards Dan, surprised to find him staring right back. When their eyes meet, they both look away instantly. A flush creeps up the back of Phil's neck.

"You two stay with the girls, I'll go see how Martyn is doing?" Cornelia suggests with a knowing smile. Phil nods at her, thankful.

 

Once they're left alone, he allows himself another look at Dan.

"Is everything okay?" Phil whispers.

"I think they know," Dan mutters, observing the girls with a thoughtful expression.

There's no use denying it. "They probably do? But it's no different from how it was before. Don't worry, please. Do you want to leave? We can leave—"

"No. Wait. Hold on." Phil shuts up, frowning as Dan seems to be gathering his thoughts. "It just hit me."

"What?"

"They sounded like you and me. Just then. You know? It's like—we talk like this too."

"Well, yeah?" Phil doesn't really understand at what Dan is getting at.

Dan blinks, staring into space for a moment before turning back to Phil.

"Fuck, we're _together_ , aren't we? Proper together."

Phil's heart does a few flips, finally settling somewhere at the base of his throat. He doesn't even tell Dan off for swearing in front of the girls, even though they're whispering.

Not for the first time, he can't keep up with Dan's train of thought.

But if what he hears is what Dan means, then this is...

"I don't know," Phil admits. "I figured I'd—I figured I'd let you decide what to call it."

"I don't know what to call it. It's scary as f—" Dan pauses, as if suddenly realising they're in the company of little children. "As... as... as heck."

"We don't have to call it anything," Phil rushes to assure him. "We can talk about this later."

"Can we?" Dan asks him with a strange intensity in his eyes.

"Y—yeah, of course. Of course."

"Right."

 Phil doesn't know what to think; doesn't know whether they need to have a conversation. But maybe it's a good idea. Maybe it would help.

It would be nice to know they're still on the same page. For the past two, three weeks, they both seem to have just sunk into this happy bubble, scarcely ever looking outside.

 

Both Cornelia and Martyn haven't come back yet, so while they're still alone, Phil finds Dan's hand on the rug and squeezes it.

He loves how it doesn't come as a surprise anymore when Dan squeezes right back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I'm sorry for the lack of chapter on Thursday. I said this on tumblr/twitter, but my dog has been ill and I really haven't had the time or energy to edit this. I'm also behind on answering your comments, but I will catch up tonight/tomorrow!  
> How did you like this chapter? Let me know, you make my life better! And [reblogs](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/180495704915/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-29-trust) are super welcome too :)
> 
> 192384594327592347 thanks to my wonderful beta reader [insectbah](http://insectbah.tumblr.com), the most patient and amazing beta I could have ever wished for <3


	30. compromise

It's getting late by the time they start heading back to Phil's.

They take an Uber, of course. Phil's been telling himself he needs to stop with all the takeout, Ubers and things like that, but Dan is a pretty bad influence. Besides, it's far too cold for them to walk all the way to the tube.

The ride home passes in relative silence. Dan's hand finds Phil's and their fingers entwine. Phil smiles at Dan, but Dan is looking out the window, observing the city lights that pass them by, so Phil starts to do the same.

Christmas is drawing close, and all the shop windows are beautifully decorated. It makes Phil want to go on a shopping spree. It makes him want to splurge and put up a tree this year – he hadn't bothered for the past three years, as he spent Christmas with his family, and the rest of the holidays at work. It was the busy season, apparently.

"What are you doing for Christmas?" he whispers to Dan, who looks away from the window and at Phil.

"Have to see my parents I guess. I always do." Dan pauses. "You'll be away too, right?"

It hits Phil that he won't see Dan over Christmas, and it hits him hard. A few days suddenly seem like a long time.

"Yeah, I'm going to Isle of Man with Martyn and Cornelia," he replies with a hint of sadness.

"You don't sound thrilled."

"You know how it is. All those aunts and uncles and cousins," Phil dismisses. Dan buys it, nodding in agreement.

They pull up in front of Phil's block, so they thank the driver and say nothing until they're in the flat, the door shut behind them.

 

Throughout the day, and especially during the car ride, Phil remained aware of the fact that they had agreed to talk later. And if Dan still wants to, now is the moment when they _will_ talk.

What does Dan want to say? Does the thought of them being together properly put him off? Phil's already been trying to keep things more casual than he would prefer. Several times, he bit his tongue before saying things that they are not ready for.

But things are so _good_ , it is all too easy to forget that it's only been a month.

Does Dan regret it now? Phil hates that despite his trust in Dan, this fear keeps creeping back in, making him question everything he is trying to believe in.

Once they take off their shoes and coats, Dan heads towards the lounge and Phil follows him. When Dan flops down on the sofa, throwing his head back with a sigh, Phil sits next to him and casts a careful glance in his direction.

Maybe Dan had forgotten?

 

Dan shuts his eyes, breathing deeply for a moment.

Phil _does_ want them to talk. He can't pretend not to want to put a label on this in a way. But most of all, he wants Dan to feel comfortable and to speak when he feels ready, so for now, Phil remains quiet.

A few minutes pass before Dan breaks the silence.

"What does all this mean to you, Phil?"

Phil meets his eyes now, surprised by the intense look he finds in them.

"You mean... us?" Phil asks, hesitating on the last word.

"Yeah."

This time, Phil responds almost immediately. "A lot."

Dan's eyes widen as his lips create a thin line that falls just short of a small, subdued smile.

"I... I don't really know what I'm trying to say," Dan admits. "I've been thinking, um, not just today, and..."

"And?" Phil prompts.

Dan breaks their eye contact, looking down at his own lap.

"These past few weeks, I—I think I'm..." He throws his head back again, groaning in visible frustration. "I haven't really given it much thought, you know? I just—I wanted it to not be weird, like it was at first. And now it's not weird, but it's like—what is this, where is it going? You know?"

"I think about that too," Phil tells him, not looking away from him once. "But I mean, it's only been a month, Dan. We don't have to know where this is going. I... I like to think it's going someplace nice."

"I want to know where it's going, though." Dan's voice is soft and quiet. "The... the more I spend time with you, the more it's going to hurt, you know. When it ends."

Hearing this _hurts_ too, but it's not entirely unexpected. Phil knows full well that Dan won't just magically believe in the happily ever after Phil had been dreaming of for months.

Phil forces his voice into something far calmer than what he feels on the inside. "Dan, it doesn't have to end. I don't _want_ it to end."

"That's the problem," Dan whispers, completely throwing Phil off-guard.

"How—"

"I'm starting to believe you, you know. That you want to stay." Dan seems rather subdued, while Phil almost springs out of the sofa upon hearing that. "But it's like—people change, Phil, and if we—I don't know, if we put a name to _this_ , and you get sick of me, it's going to be a proper break up, you know?"

_Oh, Dan._

Phil shakes his head ever so slightly, but Dan doesn't see it. With a degree of hesitation, Phil places his hand on Dan's thigh. Dan jumps a little, but makes no attempt to move away.

"We don't have to put a name to it, Dan. There is no rush, yeah?"

Dan tilts his head to the left, looking at Phil now.

"If... _when_ you think of me... what do you call me?"

It's a weird question, but Phil doesn't miss a beat.

"Dan."

Dan rolls his eyes for a split second, then tries again. "You're bloody difficult, aren't you?" Phil nods with a warm smile, so Dan continues. "What _am I_ to you, then? Christ, just help me out here, Phil. I can't make this any clearer."

Phil's smile doesn't fade; it only grows under Dan's apparent nervousness.

"You're my Dan," Phil answers, looking Dan in the eyes. "You don't have to be anything else."

Dan stares at Phil for a moment with a surprised expression which then changes into a wide smile, one that shines through his eyes and brings dimples to his cheeks.

"I like that," Dan utters at last, voice thick with emotion.

"I want you, Dan," Phil continues before his own nerves catch up to him. "That's not going to change."

"You can't know—" Dan protests. Phil silences him by putting his hand on Dan's mouth.

"I _can_ know that. I _do_ know that. I know what I want, Dan, and... and I've wanted it for a while now." Understatement of the year. "I don't care if you want to be called my boyfriend, my friend, or—or whatever. I just want you to be my Dan. I don't want anyone else."

Phil knows that Dan understood his not-very-straightforward speech, because Dan's eyes glisten, and Phil notices his bottom lip trembling slightly.

"I think that's what I was sort of trying to say." Dan's whisper makes Phil shiver. "I mean earlier, when we were at your brother's house. We're _together_ , right? Even if it scares the everloving fuck out of me." Dan pauses. He rests his hand on Phil's, which is still laid on Dan's thigh. "I don't want anyone else either, you know."

A lot had happened between them over the past month. Many times, the things Dan said or did made Phil feel like his heart was about to physically jump out of his chest. But now, he is fully taken aback by the weight of what Dan just said. It affects Phil so much that somehow, it can't even compare to the sensations he used to have. It's as though he _did_ lose his heart, and he lost it to Dan. Yes, he lost it. He well and truly lost it.

The three words they are both not ready for tickle the tip of his tongue and threaten to spill out of his mouth the moment he opens it, so instead, he kisses Dan. He locks their lips with fervor and urgency.

Things happen quickly from then on.

Between one kiss and the next, Phil is pushed back into the sofa, and Dan straddles him, fingers tangled in his hair. The surge of warmth that was previously mainly situated in his chest suddenly spills all over Phil's body, and every touch feels electric.

It's like it was on that first day in the office, but better. He places his hands on Dan's hips and keeps him close, hands sliding underneath the hem of Dan's shirt.

 

Phil can't even remember when it started, but now, every beat of his heart feels like it's solely dedicated to Dan.

 

 

-

_Wednesday_

"Of course, I will come in on Monday at nine. Thank you! Have a nice day! Bye!" Phil says, quite overwhelmed, and hangs up a moment later.

So. He got the job.

He doesn't know how to feel. It's a relief, of course. It's also very, very _scary_.

But still. A job. Maybe he's not as useless as he was beginning to think.

 

Before he can even begin to process things, he wants to call someone and tell them about it.

Dan isn't home yet; he's at work. Martyn is his own boss, so he will likely pick up. Phil's mum just always picks up in general, even when she's busy.

It's not even surprising that it's Dan he chooses to call. It takes Dan a moment to answer the phone, and at first, he's whispering.

"Hold on," Dan mumbles in lieu of _hi_. Phil hears the sound of Dan closing the door and walking a few steps. "Phil? Is everything alright?"

"I was offered a job," he blurts out.

"What? That's amazing!" Dan exclaims. When Phil doesn't say anything, Dan adds with less certainty, "Right?"

"Well..." Phil doesn't want to be the kind of person that constantly whines. Of course it's amazing. "Yeah, of course. It's at the um, the scary interview girl place."

"Ooh, the famous _scary interview girl_ company, right. Prestigious."

"Weeeelll... I don't actually remember which company it was," Phil admits sheepishly. "I'll have to check my email."

"Phil! You accepted a job offer without remembering the name of the company?" Dan sounds so exasperated that it makes Phil laugh, even though he is not in the mood for that.

"I'm sure I have it somewhere! Worst case scenario I'll find out on Monday! I've been applying to all sorts of places, you know!" Phil defends himself.

Dan's very loud, exaggerated sigh fills his ears.

"I'm proud of you, Phil. Congratulations." Suddenly, Phil wishes Dan were here with him right now.

"Thanks, Dan."

"Celebrate tonight? I can pick up our wine on the way h—" Dan stumbles over the word, then quickly corrects himself. "On the way to yours?"

Our wine. Yeah, they have a favourite wine. It's not Phil's personal favourite – he prefers really sweet wine – but it's the kind that they both like to drink just enough to meet in the middle.

They've been... well, _together_... for a month, and yet it feels like so much longer. The wine, the usual orders at Starbucks, the pizza - these are habits picked up over the past few months, as opposed to just the time since they decided to give this a shot.

"You have work tomorrow," Phil reminds him.

"Blah, blah. I'm not like you. Don't get pissed off two glasses of wine."

"It was _four_!"

"Mmmhmmm," Dan drawls, making it clear that he doesn't believe Phil. In the background, Phil hears some noise. "Shit, I've got to go. They're all leaving for the meeting without me."

"Call me when you get off work?"

"Yeah." There is a pause. It feels like Dan is about to say something, but all he says is, "I'm happy for you, Phil."

"Thanks. Talk to you later, Dan."

 

Upon hanging up, Phil simply sits for a moment, putting off the other phone calls for a bit later.

He will earn more than he earned at his old job. That's good, that's great.

He will be called _Phil Lester, Senior Editor_. Right off the bat. At his old job, he waited six years to be promoted, and it never happened.

He will work alongside even more people than at his previous company.

He will work rather far from where Dan works currently. No more shared commute.

But it's not like they do that now, anyway. Phil sits at home while Dan goes to work. At least like this they will both get ready together, and—

And why does it matter? Dan still has his own flat. They sleep there sometimes, although rarely. Why is he even thinking of Dan? He should be thinking of this new job.

Phil sighs. It's the right step, the right decision. It's adulthood at its finest – more money, a better job, true happiness.

Then why does he feel so heavy right now?

 

-

 

Phil is done with all his phone calls by the time Dan gets back from work. Mum was ecstatic, dad was proud, and Martyn was happy for him. Somehow, it only made Phil feel worse. How come _they_ can be so pleased and he can't?

Once Dan came around, Phil tried to remain chipper and positive. He answered all the questions about this new job, but instead of making him excited, he only got more nervous by the minute.

Viv was the worst boss in the world. This will surely be an improvement.

Right?

He is brought back to reality by the sound of Dan carrying two mismatched glasses of wine to Phil's bed.

"Tesco's finest brand. Definitely at least a couple weeks old," Dan jokes, sitting next to Phil with his back against the headboard.

He sets the glasses down on the bed and starts pouring, sending Phil into panic as he immediately goes to grab them before the entire bed is covered in red wine.

"Dan! You'll ruin our bed!" Phil cries, catching one of the glasses right before it tips over. He frowns as he realises what he's just said. "I mean, the bed!"

"Be ready at all times, Phil," Dan chides, ignoring Phil's mishap. "Be ready at _all_ times."

Phil is both glad and upset that Dan hadn't reacted to _our bed_.

"We'd have nowhere to sleep if you spilled wine on the bed."

"There's always my flat, just fifteen quid worth of Uber away." Dan sets the bottle down on the nightstand and clinks their glasses together. "For Phil Lester, _Senior Editor_."

There is a hint of pride in the tone of his voice. Phil lets out an embarrassed chuckle.

"Stop, that's horrible!"

Dan laughs, but his expression quickly grows serious. He purses his lips, weighing his words for a few seconds before speaking, "What are you worried about?"

How does Dan even notice these things? Phil releases a long, tired exhale and takes a large sip of his wine. Dan stares at him the whole time.

"Isn't that normal? New jobs are scary." Phil pauses, suddenly remembering a rather traumatic experience. "When I had my first day on the job as a teen I spent the entire shift locked in the bathroom. I was too sick to come out."

Dan smiles at him, bumping Phil's shoulder with his.

"That was how long ago? Thirty years, give or take?" Dan teases.

"I'm going to spill the rest of the wine down your shirt," Phil warns him.

"Don't try me, mate." Dan drinks the last of his wine and immediately refills both his and Phil's glass. "It's okay to not feel great about it, you know. You know how I feel about being a lawyer, or whatever paper pusher I am right now. It's all bullshit, is what it is."

"Why did you decide to study law?"

"It got my parents out of my hair. And there is money in it, if you're not rubbish at it like me. And... and later on I thought, human rights sounds good. But it's like years away and I dunno how I'll ever get there."

Dan sighs, and Phil sighs with him. Phil rests his head on Dan's shoulder. They're sat really close, pressed against each other all along their sides.

"My dad wanted me to go into business too," Phil remarks. "They're okay with it _now_ , my parents. Martyn's the businessman and I'm the—the weird one? I guess?"

"You _are_ weird," Dan agrees, snuggling into Phil even further. "In a fun way."

"Probably the nicest thing you've ever said to me."

"Don't get used to it," Dan says. Phil hears the grin in his voice instead of seeing it on his face. "What did you want to do? Before getting hired in actual hell."

 

Phil thinks back to his uni days. He loved editing just as much as he loved production. He had no solid plans – he just wanted to move to London and work with films in one way or another. He never dreamed big, not in that part of his life. He just wanted to do something he liked and to support himself with that.

It all quickly went sour when he liked the tasks, but not the workplace.

"I used to make like, these short films at uni," he muses. "I liked editing and producing and all that. I don't know what I wanted. Just a job that I don't hate, I guess."

Dan suddenly shakes him off, nearly making him spill his wine.

"Show me!" Dan demands.

"What?"

"The films. You still have them, right?"

Of course he does, on his external drive. But he'd rather jump off a moving train than show them to anyone. "No."

"You're lying. Show me or I will tickle you and you will not have a bed anymore!"

"I'm going to kick you," Phil retorts, hastily setting his wine glass on the nightstand.

Dan, however, holds his own glass in a dangerously tilted way, mere millimeters away from spilling.

"Show me, or the bed _dies_."

Phil exhales sharply, makes a point out of rolling his eyes, and crosses his arms.

"One. I'll show you _one_."

 

-

 

Phil doesn't show him one. He shows him them all.

They stay up until three in the morning, watching all the stupid little films he used to make. He started as a kid really, long before uni, when he was barely into his teens. He made laughable horror videos with his friends, then strange, artsy little things as he grew up and entered his everlasting emo phase. He made music videos and sketches.

He gave up on it the moment he started working. He had no time and no creative energy left to expend outside of work, where he spent hours meticulously poring over every little second of yet another boring commercial.

Dan keeps telling him that they are great and genuinely laughs at all the right moments. He's not laughing at Phil, not after the first _oh my god, your fucking hair_ , he's laughing at the jokes Phil used to make.

Phil had never shown most of these to anyone, not Mick, not any of his friends. He doesn't tell that to Dan.

 

Once they finally set the laptop aside, drink the last of the wine and take a quick shower, it's four in the morning. Dan is waking up in four hours, but despite that, he continues talking to Phil once they're both burrowed in the sheets, turned to face each other.

"You should show these films to someone, Phil. They're really good."

"You have no taste," Phil jokes. He pokes him in the nose and dodges the retaliation.

"Excuse me, Mr. I-Wear-Plaid-Every-Day, _I'm_ the one with the taste."

"Not in films, apparently," Phil disagrees, unoffended.

"I mean it though. You should."

"Maybe," Phil says in a tone that makes it clear that he won't.

Dan lets out an annoyed huff and then yawns almost right after. He looks like he is about to keep arguing, but in the end, he gives it a rest.

He snuggles into Phil and Phil drapes his arm around Dan's waist. They rarely sleep like this, but it feels good. They kiss good night and Phil shuts his eyes, thinking they'll be sleeping.

 

But apparently, Dan is still awake. Just as Phil is beginning to fall asleep, Dan's voice pulls him back to reality.

"You said _our bed_ earlier."

Phil swallows thickly. Great, his heart is racing. Sleep is out of the question.

"I… um, I didn't mean to. Sorry."

"Oh."

Is that a hint of disappointment in Dan's voice? Phil moves back a little bit, if only to see Dan's face. Dan meets his eyes with some reluctance.

"But..." Phil trails off. If Dan doesn't press him, he won't continue.

"But?" Dan immediately asks.

"You haven't slept at your flat for like a month, almost," Phil carefully remarks.

"I'm sorry. Told you I should be paying you rent."

 

Not for the first time, Phil thinks about how nice that would be. Not the _paying rent_ part, but just not having to decide between flats anymore, and it being a complete given that they will see each other at the end of the day.

Phil realises that even if Dan did move in, it wouldn't change much. They already spend all their time together, and according to their conversation from a few days ago, they pretty much _are_ together. Right? Is that what it meant?

So asking this out loud doesn't change much. Also, it's too soon. They both need their space, and Phil's flat is hardly spacious: he only has one bedroom, the lounge and the office with a pullout couch. Not to mention the fact that Dan is still scared of things. This might put him off.

But Phil's had some wine, and he's had _a day_. And he loves waking up next to Dan, and he loves falling asleep next to him.

And he...

He won't say the three words, but he might as well ask something else.

"I've actually been thinking, um, what if you _stopped_ paying rent there and—and moved in here?"

"What?"

Phil inhales, his heart up in his throat. He'll ask. Dan probably won't flip out.

Probably.

"Move in? With me?"

Dan stares at him, unblinking, for a few seconds that seem to last a lifetime. Phil kind of regrets springing this on him out of nowhere, but then again, is it really _out of nowhere_? They practically live together as it is.

"You mean like, move to live _here_? With you?" Dan utters through a clenched throat.

"No, I mean on Isle of Man. You move there, I stay here," Phil tries to joke, but he's far too nervous for it to sound right. Dan frowns. "Yeah, that's what I mean. Here. Um, with me."

"I didn't expect this," Dan admits. He licks his lips quickly and then starts chewing on the bottom lip.

"I just figured, we—well, we spend most of our time together anyway, and you're always missing things from your flat, like your shoes the other day, and—"

Dan interrupts Phil.

"But—"

Phil cuts back in. "Just... just let me say why?"

Dan's eyes widen. He gives Phil a tiny nod.

"I don't want to have to see you go away anymore. I just want you here. With me." Phil watches as Dan draws a sharp breath. "And I mean, you're paying for a place you never use. You'd have so much more money if you lived here, I don't want any—"

"No way, I'd be paying _you_ rent."

"I don't need you to. I'll have a job now, I'll be fine with the mortgage."

"Phil, I'm not living at your place for free," Dan argues.

"I want it to be _our_ place, though," Phil whispers. "That's the point. Our place, our bed."

Dan gives him an intense look. They're still in bed, closer than close, facing each other. Phil always picks all the best times for serious conversations.

"You don't know what you're doing, Phil. I mean—you know me now, and I'm like, semi-functioning? But if I—if I..." He pauses, breaking eye contact. "If I have a... a _bad day_ , it's not fun, you know? You remember. Except it was nowhere near the worst I've had."

"Are you trying to put me off? Because if you are, it's not working," Phil says softly. Dan smiles on instinct, then goes back to his previous, worried expression.

"You don't want to see that, Phil. _I_ don't want you to see that. And if I live with you, where else will I go?"

Dan is nervously tapping the edge of the pillow, and Phil covers his hand with his in an attempt to calm him down.

It's funny how in situations like these, even despite his own fear, Phil always shifts his focus solely to Dan.

"I can sleep in the office if you'll need space," Phil offers. Dan looks up and their eyes meet once again. "I want to be there for you, Dan, remember?"

"I do. I mean, yeah. I do remember."

Phil squeezes Dan's hand, then whispers, "Not just when things are good."

The way Dan looks at Phil is soft and unreserved, even if somewhat tainted with fear, as Dan takes his time mulling over what Phil had proposed.

"Won't this just make you get sick of me faster?" Dan finally asks him, his voice small, barely audible.

Phil knits his eyebrows and scoots over even closer, letting go of Dan's hand and instead wrapping an arm around him. How Phil wishes he could just eradicate all that worry, all that fear, just wipe it from Dan's mind. But it's not that easy. It will never be easy.

It doesn't have to be easy.

"No, Dan. No. Definitely not," he replies, his voice gentle and patient. With his other hand, he pushes a stray curl out of Dan's eyes and just waits.

"You're insane," Dan mutters as if to himself, then adds, "Okay, look, how about this. I'll try for a month. But I'll keep my flat. One more month won't kill me. Yeah? I'll—I'll bring some stuff over and just like, not go there at all. But if you—if we—if we need to, I'll go back to mine, yeah? And we'll see."

Phil doesn't know what he had hoped for, but this isn't _exactly_ it. However, it's close enough for joy to start bubbling somewhere in his chest.

"Of course, yeah, of course."

Dan's eyes flit all over Phil's face for a few seconds.

"If you don't hate me by the end of the month, then... then yeah, I'd like to. Move in with you, I mean," Dan says somewhat shyly, and the joy Phil had felt previously is suddenly multiplied by a thousand.

He beams at Dan and he is met with a small smile in return. Phil pulls him even closer, kissing his forehead once he can reach, now grinning from ear to ear.

"It's a deal," he says, even though it's a formality at this point.

 

Dan's smile grows wider now, more genuine. He tilts his head upward and presses his lips against Phil's, the taste of them both minty and sweet.

"I'm paying you rent, though. Don't argue."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for your feedback on the last chapter <3 It means more to me than I can possibly say in these little notes.  
> Leave me a comment if you enjoyed this, please? And of course [reblogs](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/180629075370/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-30-compromise) help a lot :)
> 
> Thank you so much - as always - to my wonderful beta reader [insectbah](http://insectbah.tumblr.com). You really made writing a wonderful experience for me, I don't know how I ever managed to post things without you. <3


	31. closer

The weekend after their conversation, Dan moved in. Well, _kind of_. It was just a trial run, after all.

Dan brought a lot of his things over and left them at Phil's flat. Clothes, toiletries, some dvds, books and games. Phil watched as Dan hung up his fancy shirts in Phil's too small closet, and listened as Dan remarked on each and every piece of clothing Phil owned. Phil helped Dan clear a shelf in the bathroom, and it was now filled with Dan's belongings. Phil put away some of his less favourite films so that Dan could have easy access to his own. Phil went out and made Dan his own set of keys that Dan later attached a Totoro key chain to.

It was weird. They didn't talk much on that first night, and Phil often caught Dan staring out the window, as if lost in thought. Not for the first time, Phil started wondering just why everything new ended up a little awkward for them, when in reality, it was a rather small shift.

Or was it really that small? It was different now, isn't it? Everything was kind of different.

 

Other than the fact that Dan's things littered Phil's flat, not much else changed during the first week or so. They'd be hanging out in the evening anyway, so it hardly mattered that Dan now properly lived with Phil, if only for the month. But to Phil, it felt like yet another step in the direction he wanted them to go in. With each passing day, he only found himself growing closer to Dan.

The more time went on, the more things started to change.

It took them about two weeks' worth of groceries to quit arguing over who was paying for what. It wasn't the kind of argument Phil would have expected, because they both tried to pay, as opposed to avoiding it. Eventually, they just decided to take it in turns.

When it came to doing chores, as much as Phil hated it, he felt like it was his job to do the majority of things. Dan, on the other hand, hated chores just as much, but also insisted on helping out and tried to take over the majority of cleaning.

Phil never said it, but it kind of bothered him. It reminded him of when they both went to Isle of Man and Dan was so eager to do the washing up after dinner. It showed him that Dan didn’t quite feel at home yet.

 

Phil had a meeting with his future employer, and Dan was there when Phil came home weary and slightly overwhelmed. At that point, Phil had about two more weeks of freedom, and then he'd be starting his new job.

The first day after he signed the contract wasn't easy. He sat home while Dan worked, and he stared at the piece of paper, bearing his signature. It was his future, and it filled him with dread rather than excitement.

Knowing that he had two more weeks without work, he made a conscious choice to focus on Dan. Phil tried – and failed – not to count down the days; both until he would start his new job, and until Dan's month with him would be up. In the back of his mind, he always wondered whether Dan would choose to stay.

Phil knew that he wanted him to stay. He knew from the very start.

 

They spent almost all of their time together, and Phil was never bored. They talked a lot, as if to make up for the months when talking was almost forbidden. Sometimes, they didn't talk at all, but they still spent the entire evening on the sofa, watching films, playing games, or both doing their own thing on their laptops. They showed each other funny videos and Phil had Dan look through his entire collection of cute corgi photos.

Slowly, they started to find their new pace, much like they did with their relationship. Without ever saying it out loud, Phil knew that he was lucky to be able to wake up next to Dan every morning and not have to worry about him getting up and leaving. Well, he _did_ leave, to go to work. But then he came straight back, to Phil.

 

Sometime during that first week, as Dan was going through the storage and attempting to fit in a box filled with his shoes, he found Phil's Christmas decorations. Phil had kind of wanted to put them up this year, but never got around to it, this time not due to his bad mood, but due to spending all his time with Dan.

One thing led to another, and suddenly, they were planning, and hanging things up, and trying not to get electrocuted while handling Phil's somewhat dodgy Christmas lights.

Phil hadn't really bothered with this kind of thing over the past years. He relied solely on his family, trying to ignore Christmas until he was on the Isle of Man.

He'd forgotten how much he _liked_ all this. In his constant fatigue, in this constant chase to do things better, faster, in a constant battle to not get reprimanded at work, he'd almost forgotten how much he loved Christmas.

 _I kinda thought of getting a tree this year_ , Phil told Dan once they were done, sitting on the sofa with the lights off, admiring the way the fairy lights illuminated the room.

The next day, they had a proper tree and some more decorations. Phil couldn't even remember his flat ever looking this nice.

 

And it was _weird_. It was weird in every way. Because they'd been together how long? It would soon be two months. It's all a bit too soon. Not for the first time, Phil tried to follow Dan and let him guide the way. Whenever Dan was alright with them taking a step forward, Phil had been ready for that step a long time ago. He only wondered if this wasn't all too fast for Dan, if he was truly okay with it.

 

The days passed, and they didn't talk about the future. On most days, Phil didn't even _think_ of the future, and when he did, he didn't want to ruin things by bringing it up with Dan.

Would Dan want to stay after that first month was up? That question was yet another one he chose to leave for later.

It was easy to forget the future, when the present was slowly becoming better than what he ever had the courage to hope for. The future could wait. For now.

 

-

 

Two days before Christmas, it was time for Phil to fly out to the Isle of Man with Martyn, Cornelia and the girls. Dan was due to leave the next day.

It was hard not to ask him to come with. It was even harder to imagine that Phil wouldn’t get to see him for a few days.

 

The memory of Dan's sad smile as they parted follows Phil to Isle of Man. The first thing he does while they are all waiting for a taxi is text Dan. The first words he types out are _I miss you_.

Phil quickly deletes that text.

 

**Phil, 10:48 AM**

Just landed

Have you set fire to the flat yet?

 

**Dan, 10:48 AM**

yes phil

it's currently burning as we speak

i managed to salvage your pink and green underwear

 

**Phil, 10:49 AM**

I guess that answers the old 'what would you save from a burning building' question

 

**Dan, 10:49 AM**

its too hideous to be left behind

no but im actually cleaning a bit

 

**Phil, 10:50 AM**

Dan! Stop cleaning

Sit down and enjoy being free from me for a while

 

**Dan, 10:51 AM**

easier said than done

 

Phil frowns at the phone, thinking of what to say in reply. He doesn't get to answer right away though, because their taxi arrives. Getting two suitcases, two cranky toddlers, and three adults - one of whom is pregnant - into a relatively small car is no easy feat.

Once they're all cramped inside the car, he pulls out his phone for one last text.

 

**Phil, 11:07 AM**

I think I know what you mean

 

-

 

Once they arrive at their parents' home, Phil is kept busy for quite some time. The house is already quite full, and Phil can tell this will be one of those big Christmas celebrations that they get every few years when Phil's mum manages to convince everyone to come. There's Phil's granny and grandad, his aunt and uncle, and two of Phil's more distant cousins. Phil is definitely going to be sleeping on the sofa due to the lack of space.

Mum outdid herself this year – the tree is enormous, and the pile of gifts underneath it, already big, only grows when Phil, Martyn and Cornelia leave their own bags.

Dan had to wrap Phil's gifts for him. According to Dan, Phil is completely useless at it. Reluctantly, Phil has to admit that his presents never looked better.

 

It's quite nice to see the house all decorated, his mum all cheerful, and his dad so pleased with him for landing a job that is so much better than his old one. But the whole time, while he helps out in the kitchen and spends time with his nieces, he keeps thinking about Dan.

Dan, who is sitting at Phil's flat by himself until tomorrow. Dan, who fit so well with his family the first and only time he and Phil came here together.

Where will they be this time next year? It's much too soon to think of that. Dan may very well be sick to death of Phil by then.

Not for the first time, Phil has to tell himself to slow down and let things take their natural pace. It definitely wouldn't be appropriate to even ask Dan to come with him. He's got his own family to visit.

Will Phil ever meet them? Dan doesn't speak of them much. _They're nice,_ Dan told him once. _I'm the problem, not them_.

For Phil, there is no _problem_. He loves his family and this should be his favourite time of the year.

Why isn't it? Is it really that Dan is such an integral part of everything now that missing him spoils the rest of it?

 

After dinner, Phil feels strangely absent as he listens to his family chat away, catching up, talking through each other. He answers questions about his new job, growing more and more anxious by the minute. He knows they mean well, but he doesn't want to think of work just yet.

Again, he finds himself reminded of the last time he was here, with Dan. Of the way Dan spoke highly of him to his dad, and of the way Dan took care of the conversation when Phil didn't know what to say.

He misses Dan. He misses him _a lot_. There's no better way to put it.

 

When Phil's mum asks him, of all people, to help with the washing, he knows she must've noticed his stupid mood. Yes, _stupid_. Because it's almost Christmas, and it's not like anything is wrong between him and Dan, so really, he should be happy.

And he _is_ happy, and that's the thing, isn't it? The previous years, visiting his family for Christmas was a dream come true - a welcome escape from a place he despised. But now? Now, he'd left something behind back in London. Something important. It kind of bothers him how incomplete he feels now without Dan. And he wonders if Dan feels that way too.

As he follows his mum back into the kitchen, he takes a sneaky look at his phone. His heart does a little flip when he finds three texts from Dan, but before he gets to read them, his mum is already handing him a cloth and asking him to dry.

He holds back an annoyed groan, both because he really wants to read them, and because he's being daft. He's a grown adult - he doesn't have to stay glued to his phone the entire day.

Except he _does_ , apparently.

"You seem a little distracted, love," his mum says, giving him a side glance. "Is something the matter?"

"No mum," he quickly answers, "I'm just tired."

She smiles at him knowingly. "That excuse worked better before you quit your job."

Phil chuckles. He doesn't bother explaining that he is tired anyway, that there are many different kinds of tiredness. It's just not the kind of thing to discuss at Christmas.

"You got me there."

"You've always been like that, haven't you?" she muses, eyes on the delicate porcelain cup she is currently washing. "Kept things to yourself. I just want to know how my little boy is doing."

Phil rolls his eyes, but he's smiling. It's alright, he supposes. Martyn isn't here to hear it.

"I just prefer to listen!"

"Well, _listening_ is not going to make you tell me what's on your mind, now is it?" Kath chides. "Aren't you happy about your new job? We thought you'd be ecstatic, your father and I."

Phil can't help it - he sighs. He wouldn't in front of his dad, but with mum it's alright.

"I—of course I'm happy," he responds, hoping he sounds convinced. "I'll get paid more, and I'm finally going to be a senior editor."

"I'm sure you'll do fine. You're a bright one, always were." She hands him the cup to dry. Phil grins. When it comes to boosting his self-esteem, there is no better person in the world than his mum.

"I hope so."

She stays silent for a moment, then springs another question on him.

"How is your friend? Dan, was it?"

"Um, fine, he's fine," Phil mumbles.

He and Dan haven't exactly discussed telling other people, even parents. They're still working things out between themselves as it is. Phil planned to avoid the subject if at all possible.

Apparently, it's not possible.

"Martyn said you two were really close?" Phil knows his mum, and he knows this tone – the one where she tries to sound casual, but every bit of her being radiates curiosity. Perhaps he should tell her about the time Martyn broke granny's favourite vase and blamed it on her dog.

"I'm sure he did. Martyn has a lot of interest in my life, for someone with nearly three children of his own."

"You know he just wants the best for you," Phil's mum chastises him.

"I know. That, and you are both giant gossips."

Kath turns her head to look at him at the same time that Phil turns to look at her, and they both laugh. Kath stops the washing and turns fully towards Phil. There is a playful gleam in her eyes, and for a moment, Phil gets carried away. He really just wants to tell someone how great Dan is.

"Is he right though? Or is he just getting my hopes up again? Loves to rile me up, that one."

Phil purses his lips. What harm is there in telling her? Of course, if Dan leaves him one day, Kath will be heartbroken alongside Phil. But he'll cross that bridge when he gets there.

"I don't know what Dan would say, but um—um, yeah? Kind of?" he stammers after a pause.

Kath practically squeals at that. "I knew it!"

"Mum, _please_ don't tell anyone," Phil asks her, suddenly worried by the excitement. "I don't know how Dan feels about that."

"Fine, fine." She dismisses him with a wave of hand. "You have to bring him back here so we can welcome him to the family properly!" she exclaims, as though she hadn't heard what he just said.

"No, look, it's not like—we just take things slow, alright? No family dinners." He thinks back to how much Dan seemed to like his family, and adds, "Yet."

"At least tell me more about him!" she demands. Phil shakes his head, so his mum threatens him. "Don't make me ask your brother."

Phil's eyes widen.

"No! No! Don't ask Martyn. He's a big liar."

"Excuse me?"

They both turn around to find Martyn enter the kitchen with Sophie in his arms.

"I was just asking your brother about his boyfriend," Kath says with a smile, unknowingly causing Phil's heart to start racing. Martyn, on the other hand, seems delighted.

"Oh, mum, Phil's a lost cause. Don't bother. I can tell you _everything_. Not lies of course. I just know a lot."  Martyn's self-satisfied expression means trouble, and Phil can't even punch him out. For one, he's never punched anybody in his life. Two, Martyn is carrying a baby. Three, mum would probably kill him.

Martyn is not that bad though, not today and not in general. This time, he teases Phil relentlessly, but he tells mum nothing that Phil himself wouldn't have said. And as they're all leaving the kitchen some ten minutes later, Kath first with her sons in tow, Martyn smiles at Phil earnestly, giving him a nudge.

Phil quickly rethinks the _punching Martyn_ idea. Maybe he won't have to punch him after all.

 

Before joining the family, he takes a look at his phone. On top of the three texts from Dan he already had and didn't get to read, Dan already sent him several more.

 

**Dan, 6:18 PM**

you know what

this is a bit weird

sitting at your flat and you're not there

 

**Dan, 7:03 PM**

im staring out the window and playing that stupid dog game of yours

counting the dogs that pass by

what is wrong with me

 

**Dan, 7:14 PM**

nineteen dogs so far

good neighbourhood

 

And fuck, Phil can see it. Dan sitting by the window, staring absently. And he knows how Dan must feel right now, because he felt similarly whenever they would spend the night apart.

It's a lonely feeling. It feels wrong when you have someone to fill your own personal void with, and suddenly, that person is not there.

Like now. Phil is surrounded by people, but something, or rather _someone_ , is missing.

And he doesn't care about sounding too mushy. Not anymore.

He types out the text and sends it before he can change his mind.

 

**Phil, 7:21 PM**

I miss you

 

**Dan, 7:23 PM**

i miss you too

-

  

Over the next three days, Phil makes an effort to spend time with his family, instead of just moping around and worrying. He helps out around the house and listens to all kinds of stories from the past. He eats until he is way too full and he receives some presents – some good, some quite generic. He plays with his nieces and joins everyone in trying to guess the name Martyn and Cornelia picked out for the new baby.

He does all that, and he thinks of Dan. A lot.

He and Dan stay in touch through texts and two phone calls made late at night in hushed whispers. Dan's voice lacks the happiness Phil had almost grown accustomed to hearing in it, and it worries Phil. It makes him want to be back there, with Dan.

For the first time, he's really looking forward to going home.

 

Two days after Christmas, Phil, Martyn, Cornelia and the girls all say their goodbyes and head home. It's a short flight to London, but Phil still finds himself counting down the hours.

Phil gets back to the flat a few hours before Dan is due to return, and he finds the place pristinely clean. The thought that Dan must have been cleaning to keep himself occupied pops into Phil's mind and it sticks. It reminds him of when they were on a _break_ prior to getting together. Phil cleaned like crazy then too, as a way to pass the time.

The minutes pass slowly as he waits for Dan. Phil busies himself by putting away all the food that his mum had packed him, and he waits, his anticipation rising with each passing minute.

Once he finally hears the sound of keys in the lock, he jumps out of the sofa and rushes towards the door.

It's Dan. Dan is back.

Dan is _here_.

From the moment their eyes meet, they're both smiling. There is a tired look in Dan's eyes, but Phil sees it slowly melting, giving way to that particular smile, the one Phil only gets to see when they're alone.

They don't immediately kiss or embrace, but even without touch, Phil has a feeling of serenity wash over him. And then, as he is still riding that high of unreserved happiness, he says something completely cheesy.

"Welcome home."

 

-

 

"It's gonna be fine, Phil."

Phil looks up from the tie he is currently struggling with, meeting Dan's eyes in the reflection in the mirror. He sighs, unable to smooth out the crease between his brows.

"I hope so," he says without even the slightest bit of conviction.

Dan grabs him by the shoulder and gently makes him turn around, allowing them to face each other. He then flashes Phil a bright smile that Phil is unable to match.

Dan brings his fingers up to Phil's face and pulls his cheeks until he is forcibly smiling, which in turn sends him into a short burst of genuine laughter.

"There you go," Dan says softly, then swats Phil's hands away from the tie and ties it for him. "You look great."

Phil blinks, torn between wanting to kiss Dan and feeling a little out of place.

They've grown so much closer over the past two months, but he still finds himself surprised by the changes.

Sadly, the one thing that hasn't changed is Phil's anxiety over the new job. The job that he is supposed to be at in an hour and a half.

It's terrifying. He's been avoiding the thought of it ever since accepting the offer, but that only seems to have made him feel more scared now.

"What if they all hate me and think that I suck?" Phil asks, panic starting to take hold of him.

"They won't hate you or think that you suck. It's just your brain telling you things. You've got a weird brain, y'know. It makes sense."

Phil manages an unconvincing smile.

"Look, if you hate it, you can just leave. They won't like, tie you up and make you stay there." Dan pauses, pulling a thoughtful face. "At least I hope not. Sounds kinky."

"You're impossible, Dan."

Dan smiles at him, kisses his forehead and then presses his lips against Phil's. It's quick but affectionate – exactly the type of thing they would have avoided months ago. It brings Phil warmth and helps him stop freaking out for a few seconds.

"Text me during the day, yeah? Or call me? If you want."

"Yeah." Phil pauses and looks down, struck by a recurring thought. "I'm being daft. I'm supposed to feel happy about this."

Dan makes him look back up and meet his eyes.

"You're not _supposed_ to feel anything, you know," Dan tells him quietly. "That's what my therapist always used to say. You just sort of... You feel what you feel, I guess? There's no right or wrong."

Dan barely ever speaks about therapy. Phil just knows that he stopped going quite some time ago. The mention throws him a little, and ironically helps him escape his own bubble of frantic thoughts.

"Sounds like a good therapist," Phil comments, hoping to hear more.

"She was."

Dan says nothing else, and Phil doesn't push. They both have to hurry by now, but Phil has a hard time simply pulling away from Dan and returning to reality. Dreadful, unknown reality.

It's Dan that speaks first.

"Let's go. I don't give a shit about my job, but you don't wanna be late."

"Right, yeah."

Phil smooths out his hair, puts on his coat and grabs his backpack while Dan finishes getting ready. Phil is still stressed out of his mind, but he can't help feeling touched at the way Dan just... sensed it. And cared. And helped.

Is this really the same Dan that Phil fell for all those months ago? He is, of course. Phil just knows him better now.

 

They part their ways at the tube, each going in their own direction. While Phil is waiting for his train, Dan sends him a text.

 

**Dan, 8:12 AM**

remember dont let them tie you up phil

thats not legal

 

**Phil, 8:12 AM**

Not helping!!

 

-

 

The first few hours of work are more annoying than scary.

Phil is met downstairs by Scary Interview Girl, whose name is apparently Chloe, and who is nowhere near as scary when not interviewing. She passes him off to some guy in HR, who has no time to talk to him, and makes him wait for two hours. Then Phil is told to go meet his new boss, who is in a meeting and won't be ready until late afternoon. At that, he is told to simply go sit in the office and meet his coworkers.

The office is different here. It's an open space kind of floor plan. They don't have rooms or anything, just long desks separated by short partitions. It's loud and there are so many people that it makes Phil's head spin.

He sits at what is apparently his new desk, trying to introduce himself to his new coworkers, but they all seem rather busy. He hears their names, but he forgets them two minutes later, so he can't even ask any specific person a question.

By the time his new boss is out of the meeting, Phil is ready to believe the worst.

His boss, Peter, turns out to be guy in his forties, balding and seemingly stern. He smiles at Phil, but there is authority in the way that he speaks, something that immediately puts Phil in his place.

Or is Phil just overly cautious and prejudiced after his last job? Everyone's been civil with him here. Obviously it will take months for him to get to know them, same as it did at his previous job. Maybe he is being too negative.

 

Peter assigns him an employee that will look after him – a guy his age, Matt – and tells Phil to get to work.

It's a familiar phrase. Phil had heard it many times before.

Matt seems kind of disinterested at first, explaining only the things that Phil asks about. Eventually, he just tells Phil to sit down and simply start working. _The tools are the same everywhere_ , Matt explains. _I have to finish this, sorry_.

And just like that, Phil is left alone in a building full of people. It feels nothing like his old job. No one's yelled at him yet. Maybe they won't yell at him at all.

But it feels _lonely_. Same time yesterday, he was lounging in bed with Dan. Now he is abruptly pulled back to reality.

 _It's just the first day_ , he tells himself. He needs to give it a try. He's scared and he feels like everyone is watching him, and there are too many people, and he just wants to go back to Dan.

With a sigh and a long wait, he boots up the computer and opens up his new company email. He is constantly plagued by a feeling of déjà vu.

He tries to remind himself that he wanted and needed this. That this will pay the bills and then some. It will help him rebuild his savings. It will allow him to afford going on vacation in the summer, if he will want to.

It's a good job. Phil just needs to get used to it.

 

-

Phil gets lost on the way home, getting on the wrong train. As a result, he gets a little more time to just think.

Phil's mood has been progressively improving since he left work. He’s decided to try and stay positive and to give himself the time he needs to find his way around the new company. Of course, that's all surface-level – it's the logical part of his brain speaking. Underneath that, a part of him still just wants to burrow underneath a pile of blankets and stay there, skipping work tomorrow, and the day after, and _forever_. Another, a bit louder part of him overanalyzes every little moment of the day, dwelling on what people think of him, on the first impressions that he must have made today. Meeting new people can be fun, but most of the time, it's just draining.

He forces himself to abandon his internal debate. He puts on some of his feel good music and tries not to think too much.

 

By the time Phil finally makes it back home, he's cold, tired and more than ready to finally see Dan again. Dan's been home for around two hours now.

When he steps inside, he's surprised to find that the lights are off. Is Dan even here? He must be. He said that he would be.

Phil makes his way into the lounge, finding it empty. He turns on all the lights as he walks, because the darkness is scary.

Finally, he finds Dan in the bedroom, laying on his side, asleep. Phil simply stares for a moment, overcome with affection.

It's no wonder that Dan is taking a nap. They stayed up way too late last night.

When Phil was on the way home, he thought he just wanted to talk. During the course of the day, he made a conscious effort to store things away in his memory, so that he could tell Dan in the evening.

But now, seeing Dan like this, Phil doesn't really feel like talking anymore.

 

He slips into bed as quietly as he can, facing Dan, but the bed is old and creaky. It makes a little noise, causing Dan's eyes to slowly open. Dan blinks a few times, frowning for a few seconds, then smiling as his eyes meet Phil's.

Phil is not sure what it is that Dan sees, but somehow, he seems to read Phil's most secret thoughts. Dan only says two words.

"Come here."

And just like that, Dan pulls Phil close. He wraps an arm around Phil and hooks one of his legs over Phil's. Phil burrows his face somewhere below Dan's neck, inhaling the scent of his shirt.

And he breathes. Breathes in, breathes out.

Talking can wait, and tomorrow can wait too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for always being so encouraging and sweet. Every bit of your feedback means a lot to me! <3  
> If you enjoyed this, remember I love your comments and [reblogs](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/180728022745/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-31-closer) help me out a lot! :D
> 
> Thank you to my super amazing beta reader [insectbah](http://insectbah.tumblr.com) who saved this chapter from disaster (or rather this whole fic)! You're the bestest <3


	32. love

_Two weeks later_

Phil sits at work, contemplating nothing and everything all at once. While thinking, he works. Not the other way around.

It's Friday. Two weeks into this new job, he is less on edge, but the office walls still seem to close in around him whenever he gives it any thought. This place is so noisy that even when wearing headphones, he constantly feels like he is being watched, and he keeps thinking that someone is talking to him when they're not. That is, they _are_ talking and laughing, but he is not included in the conversation.

Is that his fault?

Phil had never been the best at making friends, and his new colleagues seem rather disinterested for the most part, which doesn't exactly help. This new team consists of sixteen editors, and Phil is one of the four that are called _senior_. The other three have all been promoted - they started at the lowest level and made their way up. It's only Phil that came seemingly out of nowhere and made it to the top right away. Somehow, he feels like that causes a degree of resentment. But maybe he is the problem?

He tries to be friendly, though. He writes down the names of his team and tries to learn who is who. He tries his best not to ask any questions, choosing to Google things he doesn't know as opposed to actually speaking to someone. He even brought in some cake on his first Friday at work, only to be told that they are not allowed to eat at their desks.

It's kind of sad. At his previous job, he worked with three people who all liked each other. Now he works with sixteen, some of whom never seem to speak to one another, and all of whom don't speak to _him_.

But he tries. He says good morning and he says how are you, and he quickly falls into a pattern of fast deadlines and pointless meetings. He finds that having been hired as a senior, his onboarding is way quicker than he would have expected. Nobody cares that he's new, not now with six years of experience under the belt. He is meant to be quick and efficient, and that's all that really matters here.

He hadn't gotten yelled at yet. Not even once.

 _Everyone has to work_ , he tells himself.  _Everyone doesn't like it_. That part is not necessarily true, but he doesn't know many people that love their jobs.

But he still...

Phil sighs, shaking his head ever so slightly, then looks down at his phone, finding no new texts from Dan. He must be busy.

Dan is his one consolation in all this. Phil rushes home after work nearly every day, spending time with Dan, and tries to forget that he actually has a job.

Maybe this kind of job is just not for him. He'd far prefer working with less people, in a quieter, less hectic environment. But isn't every job hectic?

 

His thoughts focus on Dan. Their so called _trial_ ended a week ago, but Dan hasn't given up his flat yet. In fact, he's said nothing about it, and Phil is too much of a chicken to bring it up first. Maybe he should bring it up soon. He'd been thinking about it, but Dan has seemed so tired the past few days.

At this point, he would absolutely hate it if Dan chose to move out. He'd feel like he failed. Failed, because in a way, this whole _trial_ was for Dan's sake, and Phil really wanted it to work out. He wanted to prove to Dan that this can work, that _they_ can work - that there is no reason for them to be apart. That they can weather the storms and end up better for it.

But if Dan moves out? Won't that be Phil's fault in a way? Won't that mean that he did a bad job making Dan feel at home, making him feel like moving in together was a good idea? If Dan moved out, doesn't that mean Dan would regret ever trying? If he would, then it would be Phil's failure - partially, if not fully.

 

Distracted as ever, he makes himself focus on work again. It's not that bad. At least the paycheck will be far nicer than it used to be.

 

-

 

When Phil comes home, Dan is already there. They talk, they eat, they play some Mario Kart, but Phil doesn't build up the courage to ask Dan about his plans. After all, this current arrangement is working. The only problem is that Dan is throwing away his money on a flat he doesn't use, but that is not Phil's business.

Phil would be content just ignoring this for a few more days. Just relaxing with Dan, the way he does, and forgetting the whole job thing. But Dan is a little weird.

He seems quiet, even more than in the last few days. He barely laughs when Phil says _I should have been born two hundred years ago. Could've been a sheep farmer. That's not stressful, is it? Maybe it is. What if my sheep got eaten? What if I got eaten?_

When Phil suggests watching something together, Dan says he'd like to go to sleep. _Maybe someone sneezed on me on the tube,_ he says in way of explanation, smiling at Phil for one of the first times this evening. So Phil agrees, and when they go to bed, Dan doesn't snuggle up to him the way he usually does. He lies down and allows himself to be held, his back turned towards Phil. His breathing evens out fairly quickly, long before Phil manages to fall asleep.

Something is off, and Phil doesn't know what.

Had he said something? Done something? Dan's been a bit subdued for the past few days, but Phil knows how it is to feel tired. Most people aren't constantly happy and hyper.

Dan may have had a long day; he said as much. Work is busy at the beginning of the year;  Phil knows how it is. And Phil also knows full well that Dan doesn't even like this job in the first place, so small things will feel draining.

But he disliked the job from the start, so why is he acting differently now?

Phil doesn't know. He simply holds Dan, trying to will himself into not overthinking this too much.

 

-

 

It's still dark outside when Phil wakes up, and Dan is no longer in his arms.

Dan is laid on his back, next to him, close enough for Phil to see that he is not asleep.

"Dan?" Phil mumbles, voice thick with sleep.

He feels around for his glasses, finding them on the nightstand behind him. Only then does he fully see the expression on Dan's face, or rather, the lack of it.

Dan is staring idly at the ceiling, eyes wide open. Phil thinks he can see a wet trail on his cheek, but it's too dark to fully tell. Dan's expression alone is enough to fully jolt Phil awake, making him sit up and lay his hand on Dan's shoulder. The clock reads 5:21 AM, far too early for either of them to be awake.

"Dan? Dan, what's wrong?" he asks urgently. He feels Dan's forehead, checking for temperature, but it seems normal. "Dan?"

Dan frowns, still not looking in Phil's direction. His chest heaves with a deep sigh.

"I'm fine. Go back to sleep."

"You don't look fine," Phil whispers.

"I'm _fine_ ," Dan says with emphasis. He then flips over onto his side, facing away from Phil.

"Are you ill?"

"I'm not ill. Just go to sleep. Okay? Just. Just go to sleep."

Phil, once again, touches Dan's shoulder and gives it a little squeeze.

"I won't sleep until you're okay," he promises.

"Just go to sleep," Dan repeats. There is a tremble to his voice that wasn't there before, and Phil soon feels that same trembling beneath his hand on Dan's shoulder.

Slowly, everything begins to make sense, and Phil's heart begins to ache not just with fear, but mostly with worry.

"Dan," he calls softly. He is not sure if Dan actually wants to be touched right now, so he removes his hand and merely sits there, watching as Dan curls up, breathing fast and uneven.

"I'm sorry," Dan croaks. He sounds as if he is about to cry.

"Do you want me to leave?"

"You should. I'm useless."

Hearing that, Phil jumps out of bed and walks around to Dan's side. He kneels on the floor beside Dan, finding his face already stained with tears. Phil's heart clenches as his eyes meet Dan's for a split second before Dan burrows his head into the pillow.

"You're not useless, Dan."

"I don't even know what's wrong," Dan whispers. His voice rises as he continues, and the words come out in broken sobs. "I don't know what's wrong. I'm so tired—Phil, I'm—I'm sorry," he babbles.

Phil hates feeling so powerless. He thought things were okay, but Dan had felt off for like a week by now.

"Can I hold you?" Phil stammers at last, not knowing what to say.

Dan merely nods into the pillow, so Phil embraces him at a slightly awkward angle. Dan remains in bed, and Phil remains knelt on the rug, one arm around Dan, the other pressed into his hair. Phil rests his head between Dan's shoulder blades, putting all of his weight on Dan.

"I'm useless," Dan mumbles. "I'm happier now, aren't I? So much fucking happier. Why am I like this? I don't fucking get it, Phil... I just... I... I woke up and..."

Phil tightens his hold on Dan, kissing his bare skin softly, leaving frantic little kisses everywhere he can reach. "You're not useless. And I'm happier too."

"You deserve better than me," Dan spits. "Someone that doesn't wake you at five in the fucking morning being a fucking—"

"Dan, no," Phil interjects. "No. I don't want anyone else, remember? Just you. Just you."

"I keep thinking you'll get sick of me. That's why I still kept my flat."

Oh.

"You can keep your flat—" Phil begins, but Dan interrupts him.

"I want to stay here."

Oh.

"I want you to stay too," Phil says quietly. Dan is often hard to keep up with, especially now. Phil doesn't know the right things to do or say. He just wants Dan to feel better.

"But then if I keep being such a—an idiot, if I—if I don't sort myself out, you tell me to go, where will I go? Where will I fucking go, Phil." Dan starts sobbing again. Phil's heart breaks at the sound. "Where will I go."

Oh, Dan.

"Look at me. Please."

Phil pulls away, allowing Dan to reluctantly shift in his direction. Dan's eyes search Phil's for a moment, then start flitting all over Phil's face.

 _I thought you trusted me_ , Phil almost says. But is making Dan feel guilty going to solve anything? No. No. He doesn't want that.

"I'll stay as long as you want me, okay? I—" Again, he shouldn't say _that_ , especially not now. "Just because you're depressed doesn't mean I don't want you to be here. To be um, _with me_."

Dan opens his mouth as if to say something, then closes it again. When it's clear he won't speak, Phil starts talking again.

"I don't know how to make it better for you," Phil admits helplessly. "But I want to try."

"We were supposed to be fuck buddies," Dan mutters. "You didn't sign up for this shit."

"I did. I signed up for it when I realised we're not just... well, what you said."

"You say that now, but what if I keep acting like this?" Dan's voice challenges Phil – the way he speaks makes it sound like he knows Phil will leave. "You'll get fed up. After the fifth time or the tenth or the twentieth. And I'll be alone." He pauses. "Again."

"You're important to me," Phil whispers. Dan is clearly taken aback by it, even though he shouldn't be. Phil's said this many times before. "This is just an illness, right? Like my headaches. They come and go but I'm still me. And I want you, Dan, I want you no matter if you're feeling great or you're feeling bad... I... I just want to be here. For you. With you."

Dan stops crying, and Phil takes that as a good sign. Dan doesn't say anything, but he scoots over closer and allows himself to be held, either too tired to fight Phil or at least mildly convinced for now.

 

Some time passes. Phil climbs back onto the bed and pulls Dan close. He rubs comforting circles across Dan's back and kisses his hair occasionally, watching for any signs of Dan wanting to be left alone. But those signs don't come.

Phil is startled when Dan finally breaks the silence.

"I want to stay," Dan says quietly, close to Phil's heart.

"Okay."

 

-

 

It doesn't happen overnight.

The first few days after that night, Dan is still not quite Dan. He's subdued and he goes out without Phil, making up excuses until Phil tells him that it's alright, that he gets it. But once a few days pass, Dan makes a dumb joke and Phil laughs in earnest, because it gives him hope.

In a moment of bravery, Phil suggests things he's not at all knowledgeable about. He suggests a new doctor. _I read about it, Dan_ , he says, feeling like he's treading on thin ice. _Maybe you need a change of meds? Maybe you need to go back to therapy?_

And Dan fights it at first. Says he doesn't need it; he's just a mess by default. Says it's a waste of time and money.

Says he doesn't think he can ever be what he should be.

 

No, it doesn't happen overnight. But as two weeks pass, Phil adds Dan's new appointment to his own calendar app, and he counts down the days, happy to see Dan slowly feeling better, more like himself.

Phil rejoices in each and every lost game of Mario Kart and every argument over the last slice of pizza. He rejoices in the dimples in Dan's cheeks and the sparkle that slowly finds its way back into Dan's eyes. He finds peace and happiness in the nights spent together. Some of those nights last so long. Some of them they just go to sleep, wrapped in each other.

Phil finds solace in Dan. The less hope he has for ever liking his new job, the more he enjoys having Dan there with him at the end of the day. Not everything has to be perfect for Phil to still be happy with life, which is a lot more than he could have said just a year ago.

 

It takes over a month for Dan to fully give up his flat. He sorts out formalities with the landlord without Phil's help, and slowly moves the last of his belongings. While he's gone to pick up his final two bags, Phil clears some more space in the closet and in the bathroom. Perhaps they'll need to buy a bigger wardrobe. Dan has a lot of clothes.

He expects Dan to be home in time for them to order Domino's, but all he receives is a phone call.

"Dan?" Phil answers.

"Phil," Dan says, his voice so unsteady that Phil is instantly on high alert. "I—I need something."

Phil frowns. His heart probably skips a beat, or at least he feels like it stops for a split second.

"You need something?" he echoes, unsure of what Dan is on about.

"I... I want to stay here." Phil's heart sinks at hearing this, but Dan rushes to add, "Just tonight! I just—I need—um, I need to... Fuck, how do I say this without making you flip out?"

"Think you're too late for that," Phil somehow manages to say through his clenched throat.

"I just want to be sure... Not that I want—no, of something else."

Not for the first time when it comes to Dan, Phil is left to admit, "I don't understand."

"Just one night, okay?" Dan pauses, then continues in a much softer tone, "Unless you're not okay with it."

Maybe Dan will never fully make sense. Maybe Dan will always keep him guessing. Maybe no one ever fully makes sense? Maybe that's just how it is.

"If you need it, then—then I'm okay, yeah."

"Are you sure?"

Silence falls as Phil finds himself torn between honesty and being understanding.

"Phil?"

"Are you—are you having second thoughts?" Phil asks him at last.

"No, it's—I told you, it's not about _that_." Dan sighs heavily into the phone. "I just want to try something."

 _Try something?_ Phil wants to ask.

"You'll come back?" Phil asks instead.

"I promise. Tomorrow morning, yeah? With all my bags."

Phil remains silent for a little too long. "Okay. Tomorrow."

"Tomorrow." Now they are both silent until Dan speaks up. "Good night, Phil."

"Good night."

 

As soon as Phil hangs up, his mind is given the space it needs to run wild.

Why does Dan want another night apart? They haven't had one in months. Is he feeling bad again? But he seemed fine just this morning. Is he having second thoughts and just not saying anything about it? But Dan wouldn't lie to Phil, right?

It will soon be a year since he first saw Dan in the cafeteria, and Dan can still be such an enigma. On the other hand, Phil trusts Dan and he likes to think that Dan trusts him too. On late nights spent in bed, secrets are out in the open, and Phil had never felt safer than he does with Dan.

Does that go both ways?

 

Phil paces the flat, knowing he is being overdramatic. He calls Martyn and ends up talking to Cornelia for a good while too, asking her all sorts of things about the baby, about her due date and what not, if only just to fill the sudden silence.

He'd almost forgotten how it feels to sleep alone. He thinks he might not be able to sleep at all.

He does eventually fall asleep, having spent the past thirty minutes browsing his photos of Dan.

 

-

 

It's four in the morning when Phil wakes up to the sound of keys turning the lock.

At first, the sound sends him into panic, but then he realises it has to be Dan. He jumps out of bed, barely giving himself a second to put on his glasses, and meets Dan in the hall.

Dan, with two bags in his hands, and a nervous look on his face.

"Is everything alright?" Phil immediately asks, wary of the last times Dan came to him in the middle of the night.

"It's fine," Dan replies, setting his bags down. "I'm sorry if I—I don't know, scared you."

 _You scared the hell out of me_ , Phil wants to say. But Dan is Dan, and Phil doesn't want him to be anyone different.

"I'm glad you're back," Phil whispers, walking closer to Dan, putting them both in immediate proximity.

Dan's gaze softens considerably as he puts both his hands on Phil's shoulders. He smiles at Phil, despite the fact that he still looks a little nervous, worrying his bottom lip and looking down as opposed to holding eye contact.

"I'm glad I'm back." Dan exhales sharply, then slowly lifts his head up to meet Phil's eyes once again. "I've been thinking."

Phil raises his eyebrows, trying to otherwise maintain a neutral expression. It most likely doesn't work.

"Yeah?" Phil prompts.

"I've been thinking that I—I still hold back, you know? I'm still scared. And it's like, will I ever not be?" Dan pauses with a frown, then starts speaking really quickly. "I just wanted time to think today, Phil. Just wanted to think and—and decide if I—if I really can just... Just pretend there is no tomorrow, just pretend you'll always be there, just _pretend_. Because that's what it is, isn't it? I can't be sure. I'll never be _sure_."

Phil doesn't get to come up with a response to any of it, because Dan continues right away.

"And I went to bed today, and I couldn't sleep, and I just kept looking at these pictures of you and me like a fucking idiot—" Phil brightens immediately, clearly surprising Dan with the sudden change of expression. "What?"

"That's what I was doing," Phil clarifies. If Dan can say it then so can he.

"Oh." Dan stares at him, visibly stumped, then picks up where he left off. "Anyway, um, my point is... Fuck, do I even have a point? My point is I think I... Well, no, I know. I know, that's the thing, isn't it? I _know_. And it scares the hell out of me, but—" Dan pauses, leaving the words to hang in the air between them.

Phil can't handle the anticipation. "But?"

"I love you, Phil."

Phil knits his eyebrows, taking a step backwards on instinct, wondering if he misheard. Did Dan just say—

"You _love_ me?" Phil echoes.

"You... don't mind, do you?" Dan asks him with worry in his eyes.

As happiness washes over Phil, Dan slowly starts smiling at him too. Phil chuckles in happy disbelief, taking Dan's face in his hands and kissing him with all the fervor months upon months of hidden feelings could ever muster.

"Do I _mind_? Really? Dan, I love _you_. Wow, you just—you have no idea, I—"

The spark he'd sometimes seen in Dan's eyes seems to have been multiplied by a thousand, and Phil knows that in his own eyes, he's got a spark to match.

Their lips crash into each other, kissing again and again, until one of them starts laughing with wild abandon and the other one joins in.

 

They're stood in the hall, in the darkness, tired out of their minds.

And yet, Phil had never felt lighter.

 

-

_Two months later_

"Any news?" Dan asks upon returning to the group.

"No," Phil replies tiredly.

He gratefully accepts one of the coffees Dan had been carrying, then watches as Dan hands the other cups to Phil's mum and dad.

Hospital coffee. Not the best kind of coffee, but it has caffeine.

They've been sat in the waiting room for several hours now. Kath and Nigel arrived in London a few days back, and today the time had come to welcome the newest addition to the Lester family. They are all here for moral support, but of course, only Martyn gets to be there for the actual labor. They just wait and hope and feel sorry for poor Cornelia. Phil can't even imagine spending hours upon hours trying to push out a baby, but when he says that out loud to one of the nurses, all he gets is a glare.

"I had no idea it takes so long to have a child," he whispers to Dan instead. Dan reacts with amusement, unlike the nurses.

"Weren't you here for the first birth?" Dan asks him quietly.

"Not for the entire thing. I was at work."

"Good thing it's a weekend, then," Dan remarks, then glances over at Phil's mum, who is bouncing both her legs anxiously. "Kath, can I get you anything else?"

"A healthy grandchild," she shoots back, then adds, "Sorry. I'm so worried. What's taking so long?"

"You said Martyn took you like twenty hours," Phil reminds her with a wince.

"Well yes, but Cornelia's already—" She doesn't get to finish, because Martyn appears through the door.

"It's done! It's Mike! _Mike_!" he screams as they all rush out of their chairs.

The hall is then filled with a cacophony of _how is she, how is the baby, can we see them, is everything alright_ , until one of the doctors tells Martyn off and reminds them all that they are in a hospital, that Cornelia is tired, and to please be quiet.

 

It takes another hour or so for them to actually be allowed to come in, and when they do, it's not all of them at once. Kath and Nigel go in first, leaving Dan and Phil alone.

"Michael!" Phil exclaims, overwhelmed. "Practically named after me."

" _Practically_ is right," Dan teases him. He grabs Phil's hand and squeezes it, smiling tiredly.

Dan didn't have to be here. Cornelia is Phil's family, not Dan's. But there he is, holding Phil's hand, keeping him company as they wait for their own chance to meet the baby.

"Think about it though," Phil muses, staring ahead with a huge grin on his face. "Michael Lester. It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? And who knows? Michael could grow to become a—a, I don't know, a world famous scientist! Michael Lester, the future."

Dan bumps Phil's shoulder with his, regaining Phil's full attention. Their eyes meet. Their hands remain joined.

It's been a year now, a year since they first met. It feels like forever, and it feels like a second.

It's also starting to feel like home when he looks into Dan's eyes and finds all this affection. It feels _right_.

Life didn't magically get better. Dan still has his episodes. Phil still dislikes his job. Love doesn't magically fix everything for you.

But for Phil, and he suspects also for Dan, it made everything a little bit easier.

"What about our future? Are we going to become world famous scientists too?" Dan jokes, but underneath that, Phil hears a hint of seriousness.

Phil smiles at him, pondering it for a moment. His thumb is tracing patterns across Dan's palm. He wants to kiss him, but now is not the time.

 

 _Our future? Who knows?_ Phil wants to say. He still needs a change. Dan still needs a change. Changes aren't easy - who knows if they can even afford changing some of the things that bother them in their lives.

But somehow, he knows just one thing.

"We'll figure it out."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aah please tell me your thoughts about this one! We're almost done here, everyone. One more chapter on Sunday and this story will come to an end. I'd really love to know what you think. <3 And as usual, [reblogs are awesome](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/180867988395/in-the-darkness-with-you-chapter-32-love) too if you find this fic worthy of sharing!
> 
> Thank you to my amazing beta reader [insectbah](http://insectbah.tumblr.com) \- I am so so so lucky to have you!! <3 <3 <3


	33. epilogue

_Six months later_

"Look, no, wait. Look! Take the blue filter! Looks way better."

Phil glances at Dan, rolling his eyes slightly. He complies right away, of course. When does he not?

"We were supposed to watch Riverdale," Phil whines, then takes a good look at his project and sighs. "Of course it looks better. I hate you."

"You love me," Dan replies without missing a beat.

Phil can't help the smile that instantly blooms on his face. He nudges Dan with his shoulder.

"Sometimes. Except when I hate you."

"Don't hate me for having a better sense of aesthetic than you. You should be grateful, Phil." Dan rests his head on Phil's shoulder, staring at the screen of Phil's laptop.

Phil leans into Dan, feeling Dan's curls brushing his cheek.

"I'm _so_ grateful," he concedes all too easily. "Can we stop now?"

"But I like watching you do this," Dan retorts. "It's relaxing."

Phil would shake his head, but Dan's head on his shoulder kind of prevents it. He smiles fondly, getting back to work.

 

He is at home, and he is working. Editing a clip in a way that is far more creative than what he does at work. And it's actually really, really _nice_. It's a wedding video. It's a freelance job. It's not due for a while, so Phil doesn't exactly have to spend his Friday night doing this, but apparently, Dan likes to watch him work.

It was Dan that kept on pushing him in this direction, referencing Phil's old videos and that creativity that was once there. Dan nagged him and nagged him, until Phil finally gave in. Phil made a quick video of Dan cooking, and played with the end result until he liked it.

It turned out nice. He goes back to watch it quite a lot.

From then on, it just started to happen. He found his first freelance job, then his second and his third. It took up some of his free time, but as Dan kept him company, he didn't feel the loss that keenly. And it was nice: a creative outlet, something to do for himself without people stressing him out.

 

Of course, he still has his day to day job. Still has to get up in the morning and go to the office. It's still not his favourite thing. He finds that while nobody yells at him, they don't really talk to him either. It's hard to integrate yourself into a new environment, and only gets harder with each passing day of no progress.

His work days are dull. He gets in, gets hit with another impossible deadline and powers through it. He rarely has to do overtime and when he does, he gets paid extra.

But the thought of spending his life in here, surrounded by people that either don't like him or don't care for him, surrounded by noise... It does weigh him down. That's also why Dan had been pushing him to try freelancing.

He does make some money off it, but it's nowhere near enough to support himself with, even though he and Dan share the expenses now and Phil gets to save more. Of course, he also _spends_ more. On games for them to play, and films for them to watch. On Dan's birthday presents, because the previous year, Dan hadn't even told him that it was his birthday. On Domino's, unfortunately. They've both agreed that starting with the new year, they need to start working out. Somehow.

Phil zones out for a moment, marveling at how joint their lives have become. Two years ago, he went home to no one and did nothing in particular to fill his time. Now, while he still dislikes his job, he has a lot more to look forward to. He has Dan.

"Hellooo, Earth to Phil," Dan calls. Phil zoned out enough to stop editing. "Are you falling asleep?"

Phil blinks, willing himself back to reality. Why is he thinking of Dan, when he could be talking to Dan instead? "No, just my brain fell asleep."

" _Your brain fell asleep_. Happens a lot, doesn't it?" Dan teases him. He sits up properly, stretching, and Phil already misses the feeling of Dan's hair tickling his cheek.

"Mostly around you," Phil fires back. "Maybe it's contagious."

Dan looks at Phil with a fond, amused grin. "Don't blame _me_ now. By the time I met you, you had a fully formed brain. There was nothing I could've done."

"Are you saying you'd prefer if I was more like you?" Phil asks with an expression similar to Dan's.

Dan's gaze grows even fonder. He leans closer and kisses Phil softly. Once their lips part, he lingers, his face mere inches away from Phil's. "Nah, you're alright as you are. I've gotten used to your weird brain."

"You love my weird brain. Admit it." And just months ago, this was something Phil would have never said. But over the past six months, he'd almost stopped being afraid of the word _love_. Which is a good thing, because the emotion practically emanates from his very being whenever he is around Dan.

"Sometimes. Except when I hate it," Dan copies what Phil said earlier.

Phil laughs, setting his laptop down on the coffee table, which finally allows him to turn and properly kiss Dan.

 

Phil doesn't do any more work that night, and Dan seems quite happy about that.

 

-

_Two weeks later_

Phil gets home first today. Instead of lounging on the sofa, he forces himself to do some tidying, for Dan's sake if not for his own. Having lived with him for several months now, Phil knows that a messy environment affects Dan – that it's one of the things that indicate Dan's mental state not being so great. Because of that, Phil makes more of an effort, and Dan does too.

Phil vacuums and meticulously collects all his stray socks, hoping he hadn't missed any. He ponders going all the way and actually starting the laundry, as opposed to just throwing stuff into the washing machine, but then Dan comes home, so Phil abandons his nearly-formed plan.

Phil meets Dan in the hall. They always do that, still – actually get up and greet each other at the door. Phil doesn't say it out loud, but he _does_ miss Dan whenever they're apart. It's almost like a part of him had gone missing.

He lives for the evenings and the weekends. He lives for the smile on Dan's face when they see each other at the end of the day.

"Hello," Phil says, walking up to Dan and planting a brief kiss on his lips. When they part, Dan _is_ smiling, but Phil can also immediately tell that something is off.

"Hello," Dan echoes, looking him in the eyes for a few seconds, before breaking eye contact and sighing. He sets down his backpack and kicks off his Vans, then looks back up at Phil.

"Is everything alright?" Phil asks, almost expecting Dan to avoid the question. But this is yet another thing they've been working on - being honest. Dan's therapist always talks about that, encouraging Dan to be more open.

Dan bites his lip, thinking for a moment before speaking. "I think I should go visit my mum soon."

Phil frowns, nodding. "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, she's fine, but you know. Getting divorced is pretty shit, I reckon. And I haven't gone to see her or my nan for a few months now."

Phil keeps on nodding. Dan's parents started their divorce proceedings at the start of the year, and it was recently finalized. Phil knows that it affected Dan as well, even though he tried not to let it show. Dan's doubts and fears are things they both combat on a daily basis.

Dan's insecurities have gotten better, though, slowly but surely, step by step, and while Dan's mental state is still far from perfect, it's improving. The new meds, the new therapist. Phil has never met Dan's therapist, but he's pretty sure that she would also encourage Dan to go see his mum now.

"Of course. I could go see my parents—" Phil says, but Dan interrupts him.

"No, wait, hold on." Dan seemingly mulls over the words before speaking. "I was actually thinking that you could... you could come with me?" he finally blurts out, the words jumbled together into a nervous mess.

Phil's eyes widen in surprise. He's never met Dan's family, and he’s never asked to meet them either. He figured Dan would either invite him when he was ready, or just not invite him at all.

Dan sees the change in Phil's expression and quickly adds, "I mean, you don't have to—I just, I'd like—"

Phil grabs Dan's hand, putting a stop to that train of thought. "Dan, of course I'd like to come with you. I mean, I'd—I'd _love_ to."

Just months ago, Dan would have needed more convincing. As it is now, he looks surprised for a few seconds, but then shoots Phil a grateful smile.

"Right, yeah, okay. That's—that's cool, then."

Phil pulls Dan's hand up to his lips and kisses the back of his palm. Dan lets out a short chuckle, now pulling Phil in properly, embracing him.

 

It's a step. One more step for them.

Phil can't help feeling proud that each new step seems to come easier than the last one.

-

 

Visiting Dan's hometown is nowhere near as much of a hassle as visiting Phil's parents. It's a quick train journey from London, and they don't even need to take time off work. They get on the train in the morning, and a bit over thirty minutes later, they arrive in Reading.

Phil had a hard time actually sleeping last night. The closer it came to the day when he'd meet Dan's mum, the more nervous he felt. He got up way too early, waking Dan in the process, and spent way too much time trying to decide what to wear. Dan picked out something for him in the end, exasperated. Phil now has to look down at his sleeves to even remember what kind of a shirt he ended up wearing.

They get off the bus from the station and walk towards Dan's family home, both silent. Phil needs to get his act together and support Dan, who also seems to be more nervous by the minute. Just a glance in Dan's direction tells Phil as much – the pursed lips, the absent gaze.

"You okay?" Phil asks him. He grabs Dan's hand, pleased when Dan squeezes right back.

Dan exhales heavily. "I'm fine. It's just... well, I never brought anyone home before. Not like this."

Phil's mouth falls open in surprise.

"You haven't?"

"Just never felt the need." Dan shrugs it off, and before Phil gets to say anything, Dan points to one of the houses ahead of them. "This one. We're almost there."

Phil momentarily forgets the gravity of being the first person Dan chose to bring home, and focuses on the fact that he desperately wants Dan's mum to like him. Phil's mum adores Dan just as much as she loves Cornelia, and Phil never really had to worry about Dan making a good impression on his parents. This is different though, and he feels his palms getting slightly sweaty. He lets go of Dan's hand and wipes his hands on his jeans as they approach the door to Dan's family home.

"Right, so, mum and gran will be here," Dan reminds him. "You remember their names?"

"Karen and Veronica," Phil says right away. Dan smiles at him, although he still seems quite nervous.

"Yeah." And then, very quickly, Dan leans in and plants a small kiss on Phil's cheek. Afterwards, without further ado, he rings the doorbell.

Phil stands up straight and swallows thickly, hearing footsteps approach the door, and his heart is close to beating out of his rib cage.

What is Dan going to say when he introduces Phil? They do refer to each other as _friend_ sometimes, to avoid explaining. But now? Surely...?

Phil's thought process is interrupted by the door being flung open. A very fluffy, excited dog immediately jumps out to meet them, but Phil schools his expression until he's properly greeted Dan's mum.

The moment Phil sees her, he can see a lot of Dan's features in her face. She smiles at him kindly and nods her head, and he already knows she's different from his own mum, but that doesn't make her _worse_.

"Hi, you two!" Dan's mum says. "Colin, quiet down, you beast! How was your trip?"

Phil watches as Dan gives his mum a quick hug, then stands back, eyes flitting between her and Phil.

"It was good, thanks. Mum, this is Phil," Dan introduces him. Phil reaches his hand out for a shake, which Dan's mum accepts. "Phil, my mum, Karen."

And Phil waits for that word of introduction, something to give their relationship a name, but it never comes. He doesn't know whether he should feel disappointed or not.

Probably not. After all, that's what they are to each other. My Dan, my Phil. But he still likes being called a _boyfriend_.

"Nice to finally meet you. Dan's told me a lot about you." Karen's lips stretch into a genuine smile, and Phil mentally scolds himself for ever wondering if she even knows they're together. It becomes apparent the moment Dan puts his hand on the small of Phil's back as they follow her inside.

"Where's Nan?" Dan asks as they reach the living room.

"She's coming over a bit later. Had to go get her hair done."

"Of course she did," Dan says fondly, shooting Phil an amused glance.

 

They all stand in a small circle for a moment too long before Dan's mum speaks up.

"Right, well, I'll fetch the tea? Phil, d'you like tea?"

Phil feels like a school boy being asked a difficult question by the teacher.

"I love tea!" he exclaims with far too much enthusiasm. Dan starts laughing at him almost immediately.

"He prefers coffee, mum. He's just an awkward mess," Dan clarifies, rolling his eyes at Phil. Phil turns redder than a tomato - or so he thinks - but when he spots the amount of affection hidden in Dan's gaze, he feels a bit better. Even more so when he notices Karen staring at her son with her brows raised and a wide smile.

Phil tries to salvage the last of his dignity by mumbling, "I'm _completely_ fine with tea."

"Coffee it is! Go on, sit. Dan, come, you'll help me carry it all back here."

And Phil wants to say that _he_ can help – wants to be as sickly sweet as Dan is with his parents – but Dan grins at him and follows his mum out of the room, leaving Phil alone.

While Phil can still hear them, he hears Karen asks Dan something.

"How does your boyfriend take his coffee?"

Phil freezes. He walks a few steps closer to the door, trying to make sure he'll hear Dan's response.

"Just pour a bag of sugar in and he'll like it."

Phil has to restrain himself from letting out a bark of joyous laughter.

 

-

 

Dan's mum is not similar to Phil's mum, but she seems great in her own right.

She's witty and quick, takes an eager interest in Phil's work, and is more of a listener than a talker. She reminds Phil of Dan in a lot of ways.

Two hours after their arrival, Dan's grandma joins them, and Phil is almost shocked to find Dan leaping out of the chair to hold her as he greets her.

"Nan, this is Phil. Phil, this is my nan," Dan introduces him for the second time today, and Phil is just as nervous as two hours ago.

"Oh! I've been asking to meet you for months!" Veronica exclaims, opening up her arms and hugging Phil much the way his own mum does. He stands there as if frozen for a few seconds before wrapping his arms around her small frame. He looks at Dan, who stands a bit to the side, smiling brightly. His eyes seem a little watery. Maybe it's just the light.

"Hello, ma'am," Phil utters at last, realising that he doesn't know her last name.

"Oi! No ma'am, no thank you. I'm not that old yet, am I?" She grins at him, then grabs his arm and leads him back to the sofa. "Now, you have to tell me how my Dan is behaving. Please tell me he doesn't sleep until noon every Sunday? Does he do any chores?"

Phil looks at her, dumbfounded, while Dan says in a whiny voice, "Naaan, stop. _Please_."

"Well, what is a woman supposed to do, you never tell me anything," she complains, albeit with a smile. She turns back to Phil. "It's all _Phil, Phil, Phil_. I feel as though I've known you for months, young man."

A feeling of happiness washes over him, combined with self-satisfaction at seeing Dan blush.

It's a lot of fun watching Dan squirm as he rushes to change the subject. After the first few minutes they all fall into conversation, and Phil slowly begins to relax.

 

-

 

Phil is in bed, on his laptop, waiting for Dan to shower and join him.

It's been a long day. They got back to London around nine. Phil feels exhausted after all the excitement of the day, but it's the good kind of exhaustion, the one where he expected far worse than he actually got.

They haven't talked much about the day just yet, but Phil has a feeling that they might.

 

He idly checks his email, expecting nothing but spam. Instead, he finds an email from PayPal, alerting him that he got paid for his last freelance job. It's not bad pay for doing something you like. But freelancing has a downside too – it's unreliable. And at this stage in his life, Phil doesn't think he can afford _unreliable_.

He sighs, tearing his eyes away from the screen when Dan walks in, wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. Phil's thoughts immediately shift direction as he appreciates the way stray droplets of water travel down Dan's chest.

Dan catches him staring, smirking despite the flush that creeps up on his cheeks. He flops down on the bed beside Phil, curiously glancing at the screen. Phil doesn't mind.

He doesn't have to hide anything from Dan, not these days.

"Is that for the wedding thing?" Dan asks him. Phil nods. "Not bad."

"Half of it should go to you, really," Phil says, bringing up something they've discussed several times before. "It's you that convinced me to give it a go."

"Oh shut up, will you," Dan quips, smiling fondly. He pauses, thinking for a moment. "You should keep it up, you know."

"What do you mean?" Phil asks, setting the laptop aside. On a whim, he takes one of Dan's wet curls between his fingers and tugs, chuckling when Dan swats his hand away.

"Stop messing up my hair, you spork. And you _know_ what I mean." They look each other in the eyes. "You could make a living out of this."

"Yeah, if I want to end up in the hedgerows when I have a bad month," Phil dismisses.

It's a tempting thought - it always was. Working for himself and nobody else. Not having to sit on the same floor with hundreds of other people. Not having anyone to report to. And for the first time, Phil can kind of see it. A future where he might not be a single cog in the corporate wheel – a future where everything he does has some meaning. But not yet. Not yet.

"I think you'd like it better, though."

"Probably," Phil concedes. Wanting to drop the subject, he asks, "What about you?"

"What about me?" Dan repeats.

"You don't like your job either." It's a statement and not a question. Dan never tried to hide it.

Dan sighs, pouting slightly.

"I dunno," Dan replies after a long pause. "Not much you can do with a law degree, except y'know, _law_."

"There has to be something you'd like more," Phil retorts. He expects Dan to shrug him off, but Dan surprises him.

"I saw this ad a couple days ago. On Facebook, I wasn't _searching_ _,_ " Dan mutters, not looking Phil in the eye. "Some non-profit looking for a lawyer."

Phil's eyes widen both in surprise and delight. He immediately turns to face Dan fully.

" _Please_ tell me you applied?" Phil lays his hand on Dan's knee, hoping to get him to meet his eyes, which he eventually does.

"I mean, I—I saved it, but I don't think I should apply. I don't know shit about law, Phil. It's different when I'm just like, reading boring crap all day long and looking for errors, and different if I were to properly represent someone. Or something."

"Dan, you have to!" Phil exclaims, then reminds himself to not make it seem like he's forcing Dan. "I mean, not _have_ to, of course. But—but isn't this what you wanted? Or closer to it?"

"I guess. But I can't be bothered to go and have them think I'm an idiot."

Phil frowns. Despite six months of new meds and therapy, Dan still thinks like this. Phil thinks he always might, on some level, even though he hopes that Dan will one day fully see how wonderful he is.

But it's better, Phil reminds himself, and that's what matters. Progress isn't a one day thing. It takes months, _years_ even, and they've only just begun.

"Besides, non-profit. Probably bad pay," Dan continues when Phil doesn't say anything fast enough. "And who knows what they even want, they probably want years of experience—"

"Maybe. But maybe they don't?" Phil prompts. "I don't want to force you, but I'd give it a go if I were you. You're always telling me to try, Dan. You should try too."

 

Dan looks up at him with doubt clearly visible in his eyes. Phil realises that this is something Dan probably already gave a lot of thought to, even before mentioning it to Phil.

It reminds him that they are different people. That Dan will always need a little more time than Phil does. That Dan battles his own demons on a daily basis, and no matter how attuned to Dan Phil is by now, he sometimes fails to notice those demons in time. And when left to their own devices, those demons tend to grow and grow and make Dan doubt.

Not for the first time, Phil wishes that there might come a day when Dan doesn't doubt himself anymore. When he stands tall and proud and aware of all the perfection Phil had found in him. The best kind of perfection which is still accompanied by flaws, because nothing and no one is perfect, but the more time passes, Phil thinks that...

"I'll try if you try," Dan concedes, interrupting Phil's silent reverie. "Someday, I mean. I think you'd be way happier."

Phil grins at Dan, grabbing his hand in both of his, rubbing his thumb across the back of his palm. "It's a deal."

Dan returns Phil's smile in full, biting on his lip as he adds, "But you have to promise though. Because if I apply now, you could just lie your way out of this in a few months."

"Don't you trust me?" Phil teases. He's stupidly happy to already know the answer.

"I _do_ trust you. But we've got to set some ground rules here, Phil. Won't work otherwise."

Phil's eyes widen, chest constricting with emotion at the memory of all those months ago. All those stupid rules. All those moments of doubt.

How different they are now.

Dan clearly knows what he's saying, because he smiles at Phil in that cheeky, mischievous way.

Phil is already leaning in, about to kiss Dan, as he whispers, "I think having no rules works out pretty well for us, actually."

 

-

 

A bit later, they're all wrapped in each other, completely spent, about ready to fall asleep. They remain silent for the most part. A hundred thousand thoughts run through Phil's mind. The future, the past, _today_. That's what he asks Dan about.

"Do you think your mum and gran liked me?" he whispers.

Dan pulls back, untangling himself from Phil's arms only to give Phil _that look_ , that look that says _you're immensely daft_.

"No, Phil. They both _hate_ you," Dan deadpans, then adds, "Of course they liked you, you idiot."

Phil grins, surprised at how relieved he feels. He did think they liked him, but he could never be sure.

He decides to push his luck. "Do you really talk to your grandma about me?"

Dan flushes, then elbows Phil somewhere close to his rib. "No, she's just like—she's like your brother. Says all sorts of weird things."

"Mhmm," Phil hums happily, pulling Dan close again. "I'm sure. I think you _do_ talk about me, Dan. You probably talk about nothing else."

Dan grunts and says nothing for a while. At last, he mumbles in a voice that is barely audible, "Maybe."

"What?"

"I said _maybe_. Jesus, Phil. Can't even be sweet with you, because you're so old you're almost deaf."

Phil knees him lightly, to which Dan responds by tugging on Phil's hair a little too strongly, until they're both caught up in some sort of a strange cross between snogging and fighting. Most of all, they're laughing out loud, so loud that their neighbours will probably complain tomorrow.

Phil couldn't care less.

It lasts two, maybe three minutes, and ends with Dan pinned to the bed, Phil on top of him with a self-satisfied expression. He leans down to kiss him, allowing himself to deepen the kiss even though he knows they're both too tired to take this further.

They continue kissing lazily for a while. Then, as if on cue, they slide down the bed and snuggle up in their favourite way, with Dan resting in Phil's embrace. Somehow, it feels like nothing else needs to be said right now, but they still mumble a quick _love you_ to each other before shutting their eyes.

 

Phil doesn't fall asleep immediately, his mind a jumbled mess of happy thoughts. He never thought he'd meet someone like Dan. Never thought he'd find someone who fits him so well – someone that grows with him, instead of trying to change him.

Being accepted like this, without question, is a nice feeling. He'd never felt it before.

 

Phil doesn't believe in perfection.

Phil is messy and overthinks everything into oblivion. He's anxious and has a hard time making new friends. He likes to fall into a pattern and has a hard time trying to change.

Dan keeps most things to himself and needs time to recharge. He has a hard time trusting people, even Phil sometimes. He speaks before thinking and he acts on impulse when he should sometimes think twice.

Their friendship and relationship were never perfect either. They both took a long time to open up, jumped to conclusions, and made dumb choices. But they also took risks, trusted each other, and supported each other without a second thought.

 

No, they're not perfect, and their lives aren't either.

But their lives _are_ better than they used to be, and Phil allows himself to hope that they will only continue to get better.

Maybe, just maybe, they _are_ perfect.

Not in general. Just for each other.

 

Phil is on the verge of falling asleep when he's mildly startled by the soft sound of Dan's voice.

"You know," Dan whispers, "my nan asked me something earlier. When you went to the loo."

"What?" Phil asks. Dan turns around in his arms, allowing them to face each other.

"If I'm happier now," Dan replies shyly.

Phil's heart skips a beat. "What did you say?"

"I said I'm happy. Not happier, just _happy_." Phil's mouth falls open in surprise, and upon seeing that, Dan clarifies, "I mean, you know I still have... you know. Bad days. But—but on most days I'm happy, Phil. With you."

And then, just like that, tears spill from Phil's eyes.

Dan stares at him for a second, speechless. Once the initial shock passes, Dan's hands are immediately on Phil's cheeks, cupping his face.

"What are you crying for? Please don't," Dan pleads, voice soft, breaking at the end. He kisses the spot where one of the tears is making its way down Phil's face.

"I'm just—" Phil tries to say, but he's still overwhelmed. "That's all I wanted, you know? You to be happy. Since—fuck, I don't even know since when. Since _ages_."

Dan gasps. "You said _fuck_."

"Really, Dan? That's what—oh, whatever. _You_ said you're happy." Phil wipes at his face, trying to get rid of the tears.

Dan studies him, both joyful and uncertain. Finally, he asks, "Aren't you?"

"Yeah." Phil looks Dan in the eyes. He stops trying to hide his tears, because he doesn't need to. Dan wipes them away for him. "Yeah, I am."

 

-

**the end.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. This is it!  
> Before I say anything else, I have to say this:  
> I cannot find the words to thank you, my wonderful, patient beta reader - **[insectbah](http://insectbah.tumblr.com)**. You always encouraged me, went above and beyond for me, and improved this fic SO. SO. SO! MUCH. I'm so happy to have gotten to know you and so grateful to have had your amazing help  <3 <3 <3 
> 
> Secondly, **thank you to all of you, the readers** , for being so lovely, for hating the cliffhangers and being excited for the next chapter. Thank you to my friends who endured my crises and gave me notes on this fic too. (most often [i-am-my-opheliac](http://i-am-my-opheliac.tumblr.com) and [thelesterhowells](http://thelesterhowells.tumblr.com) <3)
> 
> Please let me know if you liked this fic and the conclusion to it, and **[reblog the masterpost](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/180960943315/in-the-darkness-with-you-complete)** if you want to give it more visibility.  <3  
> See you soon!


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